Why are you exhausted after the supermarket? Hundreds of tiny decisions. Overwhelm is rarely one big thing, it is the small ones piling up unnoticed.

I went back to the Heart Sutra, which nobody wrote down for five hundred years, and then they had to add the Diamond Sutra because things got complicated. Your head does the same. Too many self-help books create a loop of needing to fix yourself, then not forgiving yourself for not having. If you are washing dishes, wash dishes. I am saying that while not doing it.

One thing to try: Take one thing off the pile today. Not organise it. Remove it.

• (0:03) Recording a Zazen meditation without a script
• (3:22) Going back to the Heart Sutra after all these years
• (6:37) The loop of not forgiving yourself for not improving
• (8:06) They had to update it, because things got complicated
• (9:47) The middle way, and too many self-help books
• (11:19) Realising I was not listening, and it cost me
• (12:55) Hundreds of decisions a day, and why shopping exhausts you
• (14:32) If you are washing dishes, wash dishes

Senga, Martin, Kira, Sandy and Diane.

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Does this moment really need you to do anything with it? Usually not. A short one, and that question is most of the content.

We so often feel we have to act. Take the step back instead and ask whether the moment actually needs you. Your body carries thousands of years of inherited knowledge and it has your back. It knows what to do without being told.

One thing to try: Ask it once today. Does this moment need me to do anything with it?

• (0:03) A smaller, bite sized version this time
• (1:16) Becoming aware of the breath, and what matters about it
• (1:51) Not forcing a feeling. The body knows how it should feel
• (2:36) Take a step back. Does this moment really need me?
• (3:23) Shopping, driving, and the mind doing five other things
• (3:55) The brain thinks it has got everything covered
• (4:36) Your body has your back, and it knows what to do

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What if giving up some control is a strength rather than a loss? The Japanese have a word for it, amae, and I live it every single day.

My carers do not shower me the way I would shower me. I have got comfortable with that. Amae is the mutual trust in depending on somebody, which every baby does and most adults spend their lives resisting. Think of a bow and arrow. The moment your fingers let go it is at the mercy of the wind, and that is the only point at which it can reach anything at all.

One thing to try: Let somebody else make one decision today, and be genuinely alright with how they make it.

• (0:03) The comfort and security we are all chasing
• (2:04) Amae, and what it means in Japanese culture
• (3:15) Not dependence. Mutual understanding that strengthens
• (4:48) They do not even shower me the way I would
• (6:39) The bow and arrow, and the moment your fingers let go
• (8:21) The person who is rigid at work, doing it badly
• (10:00) The sat nav journey that never actually goes to plan
• (11:34) Stepping back and letting somebody else decide

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Steven

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What happens if you ask somebody how they are and actually mean it? Most of us ask and neither side expects a real answer. Your life is not your depression.

Will Young was on the phone most nights when he was suffering badly, and that stuck with me. Everything pours into a funnel and tries to get out through a tiny hole at the bottom. I am managing not to almost bleed to death about once a month now. I still have the ups and downs. Your life is not the anxiety, or the bad day, or the traffic jam.

One thing to try: Ask one person how they are and then stay silent long enough for the real answer.

• (0:01) The podcast I was listening to, and what he was going through
• (2:52) Everything filling the funnel, and the little hole at the bottom
• (4:52) Not almost bleeding to death about once a month
• (7:37) How are you, and what happens if you really want to know
• (9:40) Your life is not depression, or anxiety, or one bad day

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What is the difference between loneliness and solitude? One arrives and one is chosen, and knowing which you are in changes what you do about it.

There is a rough split worth knowing. A third of your time with people you have outgrown who keep you humble, a third with people alongside you. Loneliness is not a bad thing, only an unhealthy one if it controls you. Enlightenment comes and goes, and then there is the laundry. Say hello to the voice, thank it, and do nothing with it.

One thing to try: Spend twenty minutes alone on purpose today. Chosen, not accidental.

• (0:03) The gift of loneliness, and the gift of solitude
• (2:56) Growing apart, and not knowing quite how it happened
• (4:51) The rough split of who you spend your time with
• (7:33) Whatever it is, even helping a family member
• (9:54) It is only unhealthy if it controls you
• (12:31) Enlightenment comes and goes, and then the laundry
• (14:41) Hi voice, how are you doing today?
• (19:42) The ego getting bored of being lonely

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What if your purpose is much smaller than you think? Maybe today it is to give somebody a hug you have not hugged for a while. That counts, and it is available now.

If you have one big purpose and have not found it, are you meant to be miserable until you do? You only have this moment. Next week is not available to you and neither is last year. Maybe your purpose right now is to sit with a friend and listen without loading up what you are going to say. The cup is always full and always empty at the same time.

One thing to try: Listen to one person today without preparing your reply while they talk.

• (0:02) Finding purpose in presence
• (2:15) If you never find the big one, are you miserable forever?
• (4:41) You only have this moment. Next week is not yours yet
• (7:19) The spring is here, and it is not available next week
• (11:51) Maybe your purpose is a hug you have not given for a while
• (16:20) Sat with a friend, and your purpose is to listen
• (18:20) The cup is always full and always empty

Harriet, Laura and Audra.

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Why do panic attacks arrive out of nowhere? They do not. Mine turned up on the way to buy a poppy, and it felt like the whole world was ending.

I thanked him, went round the corner, and was suddenly terrified. I have not had one since, partly because I understand it a bit now. I am only a chapter ahead of you. A panic attack is a human with a lot of emotion and nowhere to put it, and it can mask as a heart attack, which is why paramedics take it seriously. Your anxiety is not broken. It is a tap turned up too far.

One thing to try: When it comes, do not rush to fix it. It does not need fixing. It needs hearing.

• (0:01) The email that started this episode
• (3:35) Round the corner on the way for a poppy, and terrified
• (5:22) Only a chapter ahead of you, which is why I can explain it
• (7:19) Ten minutes somewhere too loud, and needing to leave
• (8:49) What a panic attack actually is
• (10:02) It can mask as a heart attack, and often does
• (11:40) The four year old at the door who has to tell you something
• (16:40) Your anxiety is your companion, not your enemy

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Why is the breath the one thing always available to you? Because if it is not there you have a much bigger problem. It even works on a stage in front of ten thousand people.

Make them wait for one breath. In hospital I used to stop breathing deliberately just to set the machine off, which tells you how bored I was. Every out breath is a small act of faith that there will be more air, because you would not let that one go otherwise. It is the gateway to now, and you can count to ten if you want something to aim at.

One thing to try: Breathe in and out and count them. See if you can reach ten before your mind wanders off.

• (0:01) Returning to the breath, the simplest form of it
• (2:10) Not even deep breaths. My body knows how to breathe
• (3:20) Ten thousand people waiting, and making them wait one breath
• (5:10) You always have access to it, or you have a bigger problem
• (6:58) Stopping breathing on purpose to set the machine off
• (10:16) The gateway to now, and what is going on right now
• (11:45) Breathing in one, breathing out two, up to ten
• (13:42) Every out breath is an act of faith in the next one

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Why does everything feel so shallow? We consume thirty second videos and headlines at speed and never dig into any of it. Going deeper is the whole answer.

Knowing others is intelligence, said Lao Tzu, and knowing yourself is wisdom. I do not know what kind of partner my daughter is, or what kind of colleague. I know one slice. Instead of asking how somebody is doing, ask what they have been up to and then ask again. Your recording of an event is not the event, and neither is theirs.

One thing to try: Ask one person a second question today. Not how are you. The one after that.

• (0:01) Going deeper rather than building on the surface
• (4:37) Wanting the eternal, not the superficial we cannot control
• (6:56) Paddling along, saying do not worry about me, I am strong
• (9:14) Thirty second videos and headlines, and never digging
• (11:16) That train is not there to annoy you. It is a train
• (15:52) I do not know what kind of partner my daughter is
• (18:13) Tell me why that is rubbish, and let them explain
• (20:34) My recording of it is not the actual event

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What would your seven year old self do with today? Mine would not know he was supposed to fix everything, and that turns out to be an advantage.

Seven or eight years old, before the indoctrination and the years of being told how things work. What books would he pick up if he knew he could? I spent ten years wanting to be an architect purely because a careers teacher thought I could manage it. Coming at today from my age, there are a few possibilities. Coming at it from his, there are a great deal more.

One thing to try: Ask your seven year old self what they would do about the thing in front of you.

• (0:00) What I would tell my seven year old self
• (3:03) Seven or eight, and what that self actually knew
• (4:22) Dad fixes the problems, so I have to fix the problems
• (6:50) Without the indoctrination, how would you see it?
• (8:58) What books would the seven year old listen to?
• (10:57) Ten years wanting to be an architect, because of a teacher
• (13:00) Not the only voice, but a voice worth having
• (15:29) From his age, how many more possibilities are there?

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