What is underneath the story of who you think you are? I took the whole thing apart, layer by layer, because I wanted to see what was at the bottom.

I took the wheels off and put them back on, and my friend asked what I was doing. Same instinct. The bottom layer is what you enjoy and what you do not, and it can trap you in a limiting story. Above it come the beliefs from your family and everybody else. Imagine a torch at the bottom, and how you carry that light up through the layers is entirely your call.

One thing to try: Take one belief you hold and ask which layer it actually came from.

• (0:00) Rediscovering your inner light, and living from an open heart
• (2:40) Putting the wheels back on, and my friend asking why
• (5:17) Deconstructing the ego, starting at the bottom layer
• (10:02) The foundation, and the limiting self stories it holds
• (12:34) The layer that came from your beliefs and your family
• (19:39) Thought and compassion at that level driving creativity
• (21:58) The torch at the bottom, and how you carry it up

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Steven

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Who is the hardest person to forgive? Usually yourself. The lad who used to beat me up on the way to school told me years later that I had saved his life.

We moved to Truro, into a caravan first, and I was bullied at school. I met him in town a couple of years ago and he said I had no idea how much I saved his life. I said yes, you used to beat me up on the way there. The harder one is me. I still feel like a burden even with paid carers, and that is shame I have not forgiven myself for yet. You cannot push pain away. It just keeps rumbling on underneath.

One thing to try: Pick one thing over the next fortnight and work on forgiving it. Start with yourself if that is the honest answer.

• (0:01) Going back to basics on forgiveness
• (3:15) Moving to Truro, the caravan, and being bullied at school
• (5:13) Meeting him in town, and what he said to me
• (6:39) Still feeling like a burden, and the shame underneath it
• (9:45) You cannot push pain away, it keeps rumbling along
• (11:27) Have you really moved on, or have you just stopped looking
• (13:05) Not getting rid of it. Taking the lesson out of it
• (14:50) Reconciliation, including with yourself

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Steven

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Can you meditate if your mind never shuts off? Yes. The shutting off was never the point.

I thought I could not do it. My mind goes from a branch to a bill to next Tuesday in about four seconds. The only time your mind genuinely stops is deep sleep, and you are not there for it. So there are three ways in. Focus, where you hold one thing, the breath or a candle. Open awareness, where you let it all come and go and do nothing with any of it. And intention, where you set what you want to carry into the day. There is a short guided go at all three inside the episode.

One thing to try: Count one breath in and one breath out. When the mind wanders, that is the practice, not the failure.

• (2:49) Meditation for insight, not for self improvement
• (3:52) My mind does not shut off either
• (5:25) The only time it stops is deep sleep
• (8:06) Focus. One point, and that is all
• (9:20) Doing the dishes counts
• (10:19) The table of advisors in my head
• (12:52) Everybody says there is something in it, so I tried
• (13:56) The guided part starts here
• (17:38) Intention, and what you carry into the day

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Steven

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How do you break the cycle when dark thoughts keep coming round again? Ian emailed me these questions, so this episode answers them one at a time.

The mind is a flywheel and it stays on the same trajectory. Those thoughts are not even all yours. They are your dad's, your mum's, your teachers, everything that built the subconscious in the first place. At my lowest I asked what I would miss out on, and the answer was seeing my daughter again. Motivation is not fuel you buy. Nobody ever finds the motivation to meditate.

One thing to try: Stop waiting for motivation. Write down the thing you want on a piece of paper and start from there.

• (0:02) Ian's email, and the questions this episode answers
• (2:10) How do you break the cycle, and where does motivation fit
• (4:47) The flywheel, and how hard it is to step off it
• (6:38) Reacting before your conscious mind has been consulted
• (9:48) Whose thoughts are they really? Your dad's. Your teachers'
• (11:10) What would I miss out on? Seeing my daughter again
• (13:03) Watch the thoughts and you find out you are not them
• (19:12) The gap, and how practice widens it

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Steven

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What are you actually looking for in other people? Look at who you are drawn to and you find out what you think you are lacking in yourself.

How many times have you heard somebody say get rid of the voice of fear? That voice wants you living a long and well fed life. It is not the enemy. The problem is we hand other people our light instead of shining it ourselves. You see it in groups too, including quiet Zen ones, where somebody is looking to be filled by the room.

One thing to try: Name what you admire in one person, then ask where that already exists in you.

• (0:01) Seeing life a little bit different this week
• (4:32) Get rid of the voice of fear. Except you should not
• (6:47) You see it in religious groups, and in quiet Zen ones
• (8:52) Who you were drawn to, and what it tells you
• (11:08) Handing other people your light instead of shining it
• (13:20) What it looks like in your shoulders and your voice

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Steven

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Can two people both be right when they completely disagree? Yes, and a mountain explains why. What you can see depends entirely on how far up it you are stood.

Shout down the mountain and ask what they can see. Trees. That is not a lie, it is the view from where they are. You can see the shed in the distance because of where you happen to be standing. Both sides of the aisle care, and care deeply. We just stop asking what they can see and start telling them they are wrong.

One thing to try: In your next disagreement, ask what they can see before you tell them what you can.

• (0:01) The first episode of the year, and 1999 for some reason
• (2:02) I can have a different truth to you, and both hold
• (3:17) The mountain, and shouting down to ask what they can see
• (5:26) Talking across the aisle, and not only about politics
• (6:39) The echo chamber, adding to a truth you already had
• (8:23) We do not like being wrong, and it shows
• (9:38) Our truths are not as far apart as we think
• (13:14) It is genuinely alright to disagree

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Steven

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What one thing changed my life most? A book. As a Man Thinketh, and the line that I am not my thoughts, which raises a far better question straight after it.

If I am not my thoughts, then who is having them? That question went deep and never really left. We are the awareness of the thoughts, and the who I was turns out to be the important half of it. This is also a New Year's message, and I would rather you did not set resolutions. Find some balance and enjoy it instead.

One thing to try: Ask the question once and let it sit there. If I am not my thoughts, who is aware of them?

• (0:02) Looking for a New Year's message worth making
• (2:09) Proud of them both, and out of hospital today
• (3:21) The book that changed things more than anything else
• (5:22) You are not your thoughts. So who is having them?
• (6:58) Never having separated my thoughts from who I was
• (8:49) Gandhi, and the answer he gave
• (10:26) The breakthroughs coming, and what humans have not seen yet
• (12:10) Working out how the mind runs, then bending the rules

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Steven

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How do you get through Christmas when you do not feel like celebrating? You are not ruining anybody's Christmas by not being in the mood for it.

The family members who trigger you are struggling with it too, in their own way, and mostly for reasons you cannot see. My daughter Kemba used to sit at the Christmas table aged seven and ask whether God was real. This one also carries the update after hospital, which was not a straightforward few months.

One thing to try: Pick three words you want to be over Christmas, and let those decide how you answer things.

• (0:01) Where the listeners are wiser than the host
• (1:55) Kemba, who moved in at four and is as good as my daughter
• (3:41) Embracing the festive season, difficult as it is
• (5:27) You are not ruining Christmas by not feeling it
• (6:32) The family members who trigger you are struggling too
• (8:09) The three words I try to hold on to
• (9:34) A seven year old at the Christmas table asking about God
• (13:03) The reviews, and what they actually mean to me

Mark Sangher, Sarah and Lizzie, and everybody who supports the podcast.

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Steven

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What do you actually hold on to from a hospital bed? My paralysis taught me the alternative is not just irrelevant, it does not exist. There is only the ground under your feet.

This one is recorded from hospital, so it is shorter and rougher than usual. Strength in vulnerability, peace in acceptance, power in the present. Those are not slogans to me, they are what is left when everything else is taken away for a while. I should have pulled the curtains for the noise.

One thing to try: Ask what is actually under your feet right now, and start only from there.

• (0:00) Recording this one completely differently
• (1:29) Not even having to get out of bed to do it now
• (2:03) The pillars that hold the spirit up. Number one
• (3:49) Honour it, and its silent oath to keep you alive
• (4:39) The futility of resisting the now
• (5:34) Strength in vulnerability, peace in acceptance
• (6:17) Finding peace whatever the circumstances are
• (7:29) Thank you for joining me from a hospital bed

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Steven

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How many voices are arguing in your head right now? I call mine the ten thousand, and I am tired. They do not go quiet just because you sat down to meditate.

People go on silent retreats and still come back suffering. There is the snake in the dark that turns out to be a rope, and once the light is on you cannot unsee it. Somebody once told me I had a chip on my shoulder, and the truth was I did not think I had the right to ask the world for anything. I held deep shame about my accident. Reducing suffering is the honest goal. Getting rid of it is not on offer.

One thing to try: Name one voice in your head. Just name it. That is where it starts loosening.

• (0:00) The ten thousand voices, and being tired of them
• (1:58) People who go on silent retreats and still suffer
• (3:48) The shifts that gave me actual freedom
• (5:01) The snake that turns out to be a rope, once the light is on
• (7:18) The four vows, and getting free of victimhood
• (11:43) Reducing suffering, not getting rid of it
• (15:00) Being told I had a chip on my shoulder
• (18:24) Not feeling I had the right to ask the world for anything

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

• Donate paypal.me/stevenwebb or Coffee stevenwebb.uk
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