How do you love yourself when society keeps telling you something is wrong with you? I was sat in the cathedral last night, and even a perfect cathedral has flaws in it.

It is not broken. It is a perfect cathedral exactly as it is. You have something like fifty six thousand thoughts a day, constantly arriving, and none of that means you are faulty. If you are a brilliant reader that is one thing, and if you are not, that is not a defect. Every time I accepted a thought and accepted the feeling, something eased.

One thing to try: Sit for one minute in the morning and ask what it would mean to love yourself today.

• (0:03) Loving ourselves, as individuals and as humans
• (4:30) Building the YouTube channel, and the number I am chasing
• (6:44) A perfect cathedral, with flaws in it, still perfect
• (8:45) Fifty six thousand thoughts a day, arriving constantly
• (11:12) Society telling you something is wrong when it is not
• (15:53) Accepting each thought as it came, and what changed
• (17:41) One minute a morning. What does loving myself mean?

Senga, Audra, Sarah and Mark.

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Steven

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Am I back yet? Nearly. I am sleeping again and I am not falling asleep every two hours.

A second short update. I am doing much better. The thing about the human condition is that it does not come and go. Thoughts arise, illness arises, the body breaks down and improves and breaks down again. That is not a failure of practice, that is just being a person. The balance between what was going on outside and what was going on inside was not there for me, and when that goes, I end up letting myself down and letting other people down too. Back recording properly next week.

One thing to try: When you are rebuilding, do not rush back and pile the pressure straight back on.

• (0:43) Sleeping again, and not falling asleep every two hours
• (1:18) The human condition does not come and go
• (1:56) The emails and messages that kept me going
• (2:37) The prize is the balance inside
• (3:18) It was quite bad for a while
• (3:57) What I have been putting on YouTube instead

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Steven

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Where has the podcast been for the last few weeks? Short answer: I needed to stop, so I stopped.

This is a two minute update rather than an episode. It has been a rough two or three weeks and I deliberately took extra time out instead of piling more pressure on myself. I am aware I am making it sound bigger than it is. It is not big. It is just real. And if a teacher ever tells you they are sorted, done, and never have to work on themselves again, do not believe them for a minute. Back properly next week.

One thing to try: If you need to stop, stop. You do not owe anybody a performance of being fine.

• (0:00) Why there has been no podcast
• (0:37) Taking extra time out on purpose
• (1:19) Trying to support you while going through it
• (1:47) Do not believe a teacher who says they are done
• (2:24) What is coming, and when I am back

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Steven

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Why does a small thought turn into a whole afternoon? Because it goes up a funnel, and the funnel widens as it climbs.

Everything starts at a single point. One thought. Then a feeling gets added, then a story, then another story, and by the time you notice it, you are living near the top of the funnel with everybody else's stuff poured in too. You cannot do anything with a thought that is already three storeys up. But down at the point of origin it is just a thought. Four seconds of silence on a podcast is nothing, and by the top of the funnel it is a broken radio and a career ending.

One thing to try: When you catch yourself halfway up, name it. That is a story. Then go back down to the thought it started as.

• (4:09) Why a funnel, and what widens as it goes
• (5:12) One thought, then feelings, then the 3D printer
• (6:27) Everything starts from a single point
• (7:36) Living near the top with everybody else's pressure
• (8:56) Halfway up the funnel and back to the point of origin
• (10:16) The emotions near the origin are different
• (11:21) Four seconds of silence and the story it becomes
• (13:51) How you get back down: you watch it happen

Laurie

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Steven

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What does it actually mean to be human? Nobody handed you a form to tick before you arrived. You are dealing with feelings that took millions of years to build.

We have these incredible machines in our heads and we use them to gossip and complain. There is the small mind and the big mind, and you can step out of one into the other now and again. How do we live, how well do we love, how much do we learn to let go. Maybe the universe is having its own panic attack. You cannot be anything other than human, so enjoy being one.

One thing to try: Sit and observe one human thing you do today without judging it as good or bad.

• (0:06) A hundred and one episodes in
• (4:32) You pay for this podcast to exist, so thank you
• (7:00) What does it mean to be human? Doing our best
• (9:03) There was no form to tick before you arrived
• (10:50) Big mind and small mind, and stepping between them
• (15:49) How do we live, how do we love, how do we let go
• (17:41) Maybe the universe is having a panic attack too
• (22:02) Hundreds of voices, all of them me, all talking at once

Laura, the new member, and Claudette and Senga.

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Steven

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Have you ever thought about taking your life, or lost somebody who did? This is the most important thing I have to say, and it took me a hundred episodes to say it.

I had been kicked out of sixth form. The first attempt did not work, and I am glad it did not. Then that summer a friend took his own life, and it was the first time I lost anybody. I remember reversing back from the edge and telling myself I would give it another few days. I would have missed my daughter, who is pregnant now, due in January. Men look for more lethal means and men do not talk. Cry. Men cry because men care.

One thing to try: If this is you right now, give it another few days. That is all I did, and it turned out to be enough.

• (0:03) A hundred episodes, alone, just me and the mic
• (1:58) Fifty years old, and why this one matters most
• (3:44) Kicked out of sixth form, and the hardest summer
• (5:06) The first attempt, and being glad it did not work
• (6:55) The first time in my life I lost somebody to suicide
• (8:52) Wanting everybody to know I loved them
• (10:04) Reversing back from the edge, and a few more days
• (11:41) My daughter, pregnant, and the gender reveal the other day

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Steven

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What if your body has a workforce, and you keep giving it extra jobs? The soldiers have to clean the lungs, repair the cuts and process bad food. Something gets dropped.

As you get older they get tired, and they have more to do than they used to. If they are cleaning up after a cigarette every night, they are not doing the other work. Give them fewer jobs and they catch up. The cravings fade on their own once you stop treating it as a war. Also, I entered a chilli eating contest, which I do not recommend.

One thing to try: Take one job off your body today. Only one. It does the rest itself.

• (0:03) Ninety nine episodes, and a hundred next week
• (2:51) They get tired, and they have more to do than before
• (7:26) Back to the lungs again, and then they are too tired
• (9:53) An example of a healthy meal, before anybody sues me
• (12:32) Processing bad food, cleaning lungs, repairing cuts
• (14:43) The cravings fading once you stop fighting them
• (17:13) The chilli eating contest, coolest to hottest

Deb, Martha and Jenna.

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Steven

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Can you have the good bits without the bad ones? No. And a small pond muddies far quicker than a big one, which turns out to be most of the problem.

At one end of the stick are the little joyous moments, at the other the mundane and the hard. Narrow your range and the water clouds at the smallest stir. Spiritual bypassing wants to bin the bottom half of the stick, and you cannot. We never thank the kettle for the three hundred and sixty five times it worked, only shout at it the once it did not.

One thing to try: Thank one thing today that has simply been working. The kettle counts.

• (0:03) Ninety eight episodes, and something special coming
• (1:43) The universality of it, and both ends of the stick
• (3:26) The little joyous moments, and the mundane hoovering
• (4:51) The small pond that muddies at the slightest stir
• (6:57) Spiritual bypassing, and wanting rid of the bottom half
• (7:55) That is very Zen master of you, isn't it
• (9:49) We never thank the kettle for the times it worked
• (11:27) Accept the whole thing and you get some control back

Kelly, Steiner and Laura.

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Steven

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Can you actually quieten a busy mind? Not by switching it off. Asking your mind to stop is like asking your heart to stop beating. There is no off switch.

You have thirty to forty thoughts a minute, about forty thousand a day. The mind is not broken. And you would not want the switch anyway, because it would take the good thoughts with it. After two weeks my pain came back and my mind reminded me of every painful thing it had. So we stop trying to silence and start listening. The birds, next door's lawnmower, the air conditioning. It does not matter which.

One thing to try: Listen to one sound properly, all the way through, without deciding whether you like it.

• (0:03) The myths about meditation, and quieting a busy mind
• (1:35) There is no off switch. Asking is like asking your heart to stop
• (4:54) You would not want rid of the thoughts you enjoy
• (6:21) Two weeks later my pain and my thoughts came straight back
• (8:01) The body starts asking whether you are even breathing right
• (9:40) Listen to the birds, the lawnmower, the air conditioning
• (14:27) Forty thousand thoughts a day, and a mind that is not broken
• (17:55) Why forty minutes on a cushion is not my approach

Sandy, Nancy and Audrey.

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Steven

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How do you move on from something that has broken you? Eight steps, and not one of them is quick.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls. That is Kahlil Gibran and I believe it. I have broken bones and I have broken my neck, and I still say emotional pain is worse. You could break every bone in my body and it would not touch it. I drank. I did the wrong things. What moved me was accepting the moment for what it was. I took antidepressants for two years and they helped, and I would say only ever through a doctor. Music, books, anything that gives the mind one other thing to hold.

One thing to try: Your brain can only hold one thought at a time. Give it a better one for ten minutes.

• (4:02) Autonomic dysreflexia, and what it does to me
• (6:40) No drink gets rid of emotional pain
• (7:42) Break every bone in my body and it is still not this
• (10:22) Two years of antidepressants, always through a doctor
• (12:40) You can only hold one thought at a time
• (13:46) Read anything. It does not have to be self help
• (19:08) The eight ways, one at a time
• (21:32) Heal first, or you take it into the next one
• (22:34) Thanks for the thought. Not getting on that one

Nancy, Debbie, Laurie and Sarah

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Steven

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