Do you know what your shame actually sounds like? Mine sounded like no, I am okay, thank you, said quickly, while backing away from anybody offering help.

I watched a talk about shame years ago and thought it was about other people. It took me years to accept an electric wheelchair. When mine was dying, fifteen years old with the steering gone, I still could not ask. I told myself those people getting help were not like me, because I was the idiot who dived into a pool. You can dig forever and always find something. The wisdom is knowing when to stop digging.

One thing to try: Notice one moment today where you say no thanks automatically, and say yes instead.

• (0:00) Talking about shame, and where it hides
• (2:10) Watching it years ago and thinking it was about other people
• (4:33) Years before I would accept an electric wheelchair
• (9:09) No, I am okay thank you, and disappearing quickly
• (13:12) The chair dying, fifteen years old, steering gone
• (15:24) Telling myself I did not belong in that group
• (19:36) I was the idiot who dived into the pool
• (22:04) You can dig forever. Wisdom is knowing when to stop

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Why does your mind do things you did not ask it to? Because three separate minds get the information before you do.

The instinctual mind checks whether you are about to die. The subconscious stores everything from birth in vivid detail and asks what happened last time, and if it did not kill you, it does it again. That is where every habit you have comes from. Only then does the human mind get a say, and often the decision is already made. None of them are your enemy. They are just not looking after you for the reasons you assume. Also, you are living about a tenth of a second behind reality. All of us are.

One thing to try: Next time you are angry, say it out loud. I am feeling angry, and my mind wants to do that. Then watch what happens.

• (3:55) The instinctual mind and what it costs to get past it
• (5:29) The subconscious stores it vividly so you never repeat it
• (6:31) Why a smell or a song brings the fear back
• (7:37) If it did not kill you, do it again. That is a habit
• (10:29) One plus one, and why you did not work it out
• (12:32) If the human mind had been there, you would not have done it
• (17:33) The two speakers experiment
• (18:54) Everything you see happened a tenth of a second ago
• (22:59) Why I stopped arguing with my sister

Katherine, and Jesse's Girl in Australia for the reviews

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Steven

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If you had ten lessons left to hand on, what would they be? Here are mine, and death is what made me write them.

I was listening to My Way and hearing the words properly for the first time. So I asked what I would teach now that I wish I had known earlier. Time is the one thing you cannot buy back. Love and connection are what actually matter, and you can feel closer to somebody a thousand miles away than to somebody in the room. Failure is normal. Everything is temporary, including this. Live with purpose, and you will know it is yours because nobody has to beg you to do it.

One thing to try: Pick the lesson on the list you are worst at. Do one small thing about it today.

• (1:23) Nothing reminds you that you are alive like death
• (3:45) My Way, and hearing the words properly
• (7:43) The kettle just works, and we never notice
• (8:48) Love and connection are what truly matter
• (11:16) Nobody tells you it is going to be this hard
• (15:26) It is a road, not a destination
• (18:46) Everything is temporary. Even this
• (21:25) Live with purpose. You will know when it is yours
• (24:12) All ten, back to back

Sarah and Kelly

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How do you stop a rude stranger from ruining the rest of your day?

Marcus Aurelius had this two thousand years ago. Tell yourself in the morning that you will meet the meddling and the ungrateful. I was in a queue at the chemist with my sister and somebody went straight in front of me. There is a voice that wants them to know they wronged me. But every ship makes a wake and no ship controls its own wake. You do not have to add fuel. There is real strength in staying calm while everybody else loses it.

One thing to try: When somebody is rude, ask one question. Are they hot, cold, skint, frightened? Then let the wake pass.

• (4:12) Marcus Aurelius, two thousand years ago
• (5:31) The queue at the chemist with my sister
• (6:36) The part of me that wants them to know
• (7:32) Maybe they were on an important call
• (10:28) Everybody is distracted and doing their best
• (11:42) You cannot help making a wake
• (13:52) How much compassion have you really got
• (20:27) The best answer to anger is silence

Jennifer, Laura and Audra

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What if the spiritual path is far simpler than everybody is selling you? I needed it simplified or I was not going to make it.

I got to a point where I could not do it any more. Deep shame, and the pain was enormous. So I started reading again after thirty years, and every single book said the same thing. Meditate. And I could not. Asking your mind to shut up is like asking your heart to stop beating. What actually worked was smaller. Ask what you are feeling. Notice it. Do nothing with it. Sit and let the thoughts pass like traffic while you stay on the bench.

One thing to try: Two minutes. Ask what you can hear beyond this podcast, and do not do anything with the answer.

• (2:46) The point where I could not do it any more
• (3:47) Reading books again after thirty years
• (5:08) Deep shame, and how low I actually was
• (6:15) Every book said meditate. I said not me
• (7:49) Asking your mind to shut up is asking your heart to stop
• (8:45) How am I feeling, right now
• (10:30) You do not have to do anything with it
• (12:50) What can you hear beyond my voice
• (14:07) Judging thoughts is judging cars going past a bench

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What would your kettle say about you if it had feelings? That is not a joke. That is where deep gratitude starts.

I did not want to record this one. You get up, you put the kettle on, it clicks, it boils, you pour the coffee and you sit down, and not one part of that got a moment's notice. Go deeper. The person who made it. The people who mined the metal. Do the same with the shirt you have on, the cotton, the field, the till it was sold at. That is when it stops being a gratitude list and starts being genuinely overwhelming. And the Buddha put gratitude on the path itself, not beside it.

One thing to try: Pick one ordinary object today and follow it all the way back. Stop when you feel it.

• (2:45) What the Buddha said about gratitude
• (3:51) Desire, attachment and where the suffering comes in
• (6:19) If you take one thing away, take this
• (7:56) A fire alarm needs action. A feeling does not
• (9:15) I would not be who I am if it had not happened
• (15:05) The bedroom upstairs I have not seen since I was eighteen
• (18:48) The kettle clicks and nobody notices
• (20:01) It will overwhelm you at first
• (22:48) The shirt, the cotton, the field, the till

Laura

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Can you feel everything deeply and still not be knocked over by it? That is the whole trick, and it is not the same thing as going cold.

We admire the person who stays cold and gets on with business, but nobody actually wants to be disconnected. The deeper you let yourself feel, the more joy is available at the other end too. There is an unhealthy version, where you become a victim of your own empathy. Empathy is you feeling them. Compassion is about us, and what could we do.

One thing to try: Name what you are feeling right now, in one word. We are always feeling something, and mostly we ignore it.

• (1:35) Be emotional, but not disturbable
• (4:09) Wanting to feel the grief as well as the good
• (5:27) The deeper you feel, the more joy is available
• (6:47) The unhealthy version, and becoming a victim of your empathy
• (9:31) Naming the feeling, because we are always feeling something
• (12:15) Empathy is about you. Compassion is about us
• (16:09) Reacting last night, and still turning it over
• (17:49) The ten thousand voices, and not having to do anything with them

Audra, for the donation thanked in this episode.

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Steven

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What three things do I wish I had known years ago? The first one costs you nothing and almost everybody gets it wrong.

One. There is a canyon between knowing and doing. The person who can read and does not read has no advantage over the person who cannot. I know that and I still do not meditate as much as I should. Two. Everybody is winging it. The confident voice is not a competent voice, and once you see that, half your intimidation goes. Three. Treat the world the way you are, not the way they are. Show up as you, every time, and the ground under you stops moving.

One thing to try: Pick the one you are worst at. Do the smallest version of it before the day ends.

• (4:18) The reader who does not read has no advantage
• (5:27) I know it. I am not always doing it
• (6:28) Choose to act, or choose not to, but choose
• (7:41) Confident does not mean right
• (9:04) Trying to make everybody a hundred percent happy
• (11:23) What in your day are you doing that you do not care about
• (13:03) Treat them the way you are
• (14:05) I have never met an angry person who did not care deeply
• (15:28) All three, back to back

Sandra and Mo

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What does it actually mean to become whole? I turned fifty this week, which is something I never expected to see.

For years I could not ask for help. Somebody said I had a chip on my shoulder about being disabled and it landed hard, because underneath it was shame. How do I ask for help when I am the one who dived into the pool? Becoming whole is not denying the bits you dislike. It is integrating them. And here is my favourite part: opposites do not attract. The person who cannot decide dates the person who decides everything, and neither of them grows the muscle they actually wanted.

One thing to try: Name two people you admire and the trait you admire in each. Those traits are yours to grow, not to borrow.

• (1:45) The funerals, and Claire Brooks in her thirties
• (3:55) Why becoming whole improves everything else
• (5:12) I could never ask anybody for help
• (6:15) She said I had a chip on my shoulder
• (7:32) How do I ask, when I was the one who dived in
• (9:06) Integrating the bits you do not like
• (11:28) We are not attracted to opposites
• (13:04) Dating the trait instead of growing it
• (18:00) The exercise: two people, and what you admire

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Have you ever been so low that euthanasia started to sound reasonable? I got there this week, and I had never been there before.

This is raw and I am leaving it raw. Autonomic dysreflexia sends my blood pressure to around 250 over 150 because my body cannot get a message past the break in my neck. It feels like a hundred needles going in wherever you touch me. I was put on the bed and back in the chair over and over until quarter past twelve, head pounding, sweating, freezing. Afterwards I watched ten minutes of Homes Under the Hammer because I could not bear to move. In a couple of hours it gets better. In a few days it gets worse again.

One thing to try: Stop chopping the ends off the stick. Cut the bad end and the good end goes with it.

• (3:00) What autonomic dysreflexia actually is
• (5:23) The signal that cannot get past a broken neck
• (6:23) 250 over 150, and a hundred needles
• (7:40) Quarter past twelve, and the worst of it
• (9:09) Ten minutes of daytime telly because I could not move
• (11:27) What I do while I am lying there
• (12:47) In a couple of hours it will be better
• (13:45) Chop off the bad end and you lose the good one
• (16:17) Deny one feeling and you deny its opposite

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Steven

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