Can you really know how somebody else feels? No. You can care deeply and still not be in their shoes, and admitting that is more useful than pretending.

I agreed a system with the dentist. Thirty second intervals, three breaths, and I raise my hand. That is what my body needs because of autonomic dysreflexia, and somebody else with the same condition would still experience it differently. Two people in the identical event do not have the identical event. You cannot get there from a book or a film.

One thing to try: Instead of saying I know how you feel, ask them to explain how it affects them.

• (0:01) Can you truly take someone else's perspective?
• (2:39) The two minute silence, and the county wide one
• (4:50) Even reading the books, you still cannot get there
• (7:33) The dentist, thirty second intervals, and raising my hand
• (9:40) Why I keep talking about healthy and unhealthy
• (12:16) Explain to me how it affects you
• (14:55) The same event is not the same event for two people

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Steven

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Are you overcomplicating it? Nobody noticed my dark green shirt today. Most of what we agonise over was never being watched in the first place.

A friend of mine got told something at 18 that made him want to punch the person, and it turned out to be the best advice he ever had. The story does not have to be written. When the curveball lands on a Tuesday at four o'clock, you can sit with it rather than start the narrative. I am giving you permission to do nothing with what arises, including with this episode.

One thing to try: Over the next hour, catch yourself once and ask whether you are overcomplicating it. Usually you are.

• (0:04) We overcomplicate everything, meditation included
• (1:41) Nobody is talking about my dark green shirt
• (3:21) Not revelling in things going wrong, but not writing the story either
• (4:59) The advice at 18 I would have wanted to punch somebody for
• (6:32) The story does not have to be written down
• (8:13) The curveball that lands on a Tuesday at four o'clock
• (9:35) Permission to do nothing with any of it, this podcast included
• (13:08) Ask yourself how often you are overcomplicating it

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Steven

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Ever said something you regretted about three seconds later? There is a gap between what happens and how you answer it, and it is bigger than it feels.

It feels like you have no choice but to react. You do. The gap is small but it is there, and meditation is what widens it. Here is the proof that it exists. Are you aware of your foot? You had to go there to answer that. That going there is the gap, and you can use it on somebody angry in exactly the same way.

One thing to try: Next time something lands, ask yourself one question before you answer. Are you aware? That question alone is the pause.

• (0:02) Have you ever regretted something you said
• (4:28) Something happens, and you are already reacting
• (5:47) The gap is tiny, but it is definitely there
• (6:50) Ringing a friend to complain about the driver who cut you up
• (8:11) It does not matter who they are, only who you are
• (9:49) Watching your own body react, in real time
• (13:35) Are you aware of your foot? And what you just did to answer
• (17:33) Bringing it into the conscious mind on purpose

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Steven

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What are you actually waiting for? I am 49, I have everything I need to do the work, and I am watching Netflix instead. So I am asking you to hold me to it.

Mark Twain said a person who will not read has no advantage over one who cannot. That landed hard. I have the chair, the arm, the time, and I still am not doing it. For years I told myself I was frightened of letting people down, then realised I let people down by not doing it. So no grand promises. Just accountability, and something told to you each day.

One thing to try: Name the one thing you keep not doing, then tell somebody. Not a plan. Just say it out loud to another person.

• (0:02) Enough is enough, and why I am asking for help
• (1:44) Doing the things that give pleasure in the moment, ironically
• (4:04) Mark Twain, and the line that landed hard
• (5:34) I have everything I need, so what am I waiting for
• (6:49) Why funerals frighten us, and what they remind us of
• (8:15) Frightened of letting people down, while letting people down
• (9:21) No big promises, just accountability
• (12:04) One thing a day, told to you, whatever it is

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Steven

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What is actually in your control? Far less than you think, and that turns out to be the good news. I spent my rock bottom trying to run the whole world.

Your actions, mostly. Your words. Your response to a thought, which arrives whether you want it or not, the way paint gets delivered to your door. What you cannot control is the weather, other people's opinions, other people's words, nature, or the universe arranging itself around you. When you are angry at somebody, it is usually because they are not thinking the way you think they ought to.

One thing to try: Take whatever is bothering you and put it in one of two piles. Then spend the day on the first pile only.

• (0:03) Trying to control the whole world, and where that got me
• (2:50) What control actually means, and how little of it we have
• (4:34) A thought is a delivery. You decide whether to use it
• (5:43) Actions are the part you really do own
• (7:33) Now the things you cannot control at all
• (8:40) You can wish about the weather all you like
• (10:24) Being angry that people are not thinking how you would
• (15:57) Spend your time on the pile you can actually move

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Steven

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What do you do when the world is on fire and you can do nothing about it? You work out what is genuinely at arm's length, and you start there.

I have no influence over soldiers. I have influence over myself and what I do locally, at arm's length, as one of my teachers puts it. Getting depressed about it does not improve anybody's life somewhere else. No amount of your misery helps them. Put the phone down a while, because every other post is about it, this episode included.

One thing to try: Name one thing at arm's length you could actually do this week, then do that instead of scrolling.

• (0:08) What can you do when everything seems to be going wrong?
• (1:35) Where to find me, and what the newsletter actually is
• (3:11) Not being ready to handle it without getting caught up
• (4:58) Arm's length, and what my teacher meant by it
• (6:17) Your misery does not improve anybody else's life
• (7:39) Being open hearted without pretending to understand
• (9:43) A short one this week, and no apology for that
• (11:03) Put Facebook down. This episode included

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Steven

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Can you be a healthy people pleaser? Yes. The unhealthy version agrees to the tea it does not want, because disagreeing feels worse than eating it.

The unhealthy version changes who it is depending on the room, puts everybody first, and avoids the conflict rather than the meal. The healthy version can hold a difference of view without it turning into a fight. For me this comes down to care. Being paralysed just below the neck, I will not let anybody dictate what I can and cannot do.

One thing to try: Next time somebody asks what you want, say the one you actually want. Even if it is only tea.

• (0:03) Can there be a healthy version of this at all?
• (1:56) The series that raised the question, and a new colour
• (4:33) The nightly bowl of dry roasted peanuts. One of my sins
• (6:12) What being a people pleaser actually means
• (7:54) Changing who you are depending on the room
• (9:00) Always putting their choice, their thoughts, their opinion first
• (10:44) Eating the tea you did not want, to avoid saying so
• (13:30) Where I draw the line, and why it comes down to care

The companion talk episode: 2 Words You Should Stop Using AND What to Use Instead

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Steven

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Can you actually control your thoughts? No, and being told to think positive is exactly why so many people feel they are failing at it.

I hit rock bottom in a shopping centre and a security guard stepped down off his platform and walked over to me. Everything left me at once. For the first time in my life I could only think negatively, and it hurt so much I had no idea what to do with it. You do not have exclusive access to your own mind. It hands you thoughts the way a child hands you a drawing. What you do with it is the only part that was ever yours.

One thing to try: When the next thought arrives, do not judge it. Just decide whether you are getting on it.

• (0:10) So you think you can control your thoughts
• (1:26) The man who broke his neck and stayed relentlessly positive
• (3:00) The shopping centre, and the security guard who came over
• (4:28) The moment every thought left me
• (6:03) Only being able to think negatively, for the first time ever
• (8:55) You do not have exclusive access to your own mind
• (11:28) The child bringing you a drawing, and what you say next
• (17:02) Where the gold actually is

The companion talk episode: 2 Words You Should Stop Using AND What to Use Instead

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

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Why do we avoid the exact thing we most want to do? Because wanting it means we could fail at it, and I have been doing that for years.

I want somebody to stand up at my funeral and say he did a good job, he loved deeply, he had an open heart. That is the legacy. And I procrastinate, avoid going live, avoid all of it. What is shifting now is that the discomfort of not having done it is finally getting worse than the fear of doing it. That is what actually moves people. Not motivation.

One thing to try: Ask yourself what you are doing to avoid the one thing you want to do. The answer usually arrives instantly.

• (0:03) Why we fear the one thing we want
• (1:47) Six or seven months of constant sweating, and a health update
• (3:24) Creaking bones, and how the mornings actually go
• (4:57) What I want said about me at my own funeral
• (6:05) Legacy does not have to be grand. It can be being kind
• (7:41) Carrying it a long way, and letting it stop me
• (9:18) What are you doing to avoid what you want?
• (13:36) The discomfort finally outgrowing the fear

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Steven

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What does being genuine even mean when everybody only puts their best self out there? I thought I was authentic until I looked properly, and I am not.

I am freezing cold all the time, on painkillers all the time, and I have just started diabetic injections. Some days it takes two hours to get me out of bed. If I never say any of that, people ask how I manage it all and assume I am not suffering. You do not want to share every bad day. But if you only ever share the good ones, that is not honesty either.

One thing to try: Next time somebody asks how you are, answer one notch more honestly than you were going to.

• (0:05) What authentic even means now
• (1:40) Assuming I was genuine, then realising I am not
• (3:11) The nine types, and which box I am really in
• (4:44) Gandhi, and doing everything for ourselves
• (7:27) Cold, painkillers, and starting the diabetic injections
• (9:06) The days it takes two hours to get me out of bed
• (11:36) Phoning someone a fortnight later and hearing the truth
• (12:51) How much do you share, and how often

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Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

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