Do you actually know that the worst thing that happened to you was bad? You never know what worse luck your bad luck saved you from.

At 10:31pm I dived in, hit the bottom of the pool and broke my neck. People tell me what my life would have been. A family, a job, the lot. They do not know. Nor do I. When Edison's lab burned down his son found him watching it, and the legend says he was glad, because all his mistakes had burned up with it. Maybe the traffic jam is the reason you are not the accident. You do not know. That is not a consolation prize, that is the actual truth.

One thing to try: Take the hardest thing you have been through and list what it gave you. Strength counts.

• (3:12) 10:31pm, the pool, and the sound of it
• (4:04) What people think my life would have been
• (5:28) Some days it is just the carer running late
• (6:34) The child who wanted the green one
• (7:31) Maybe you were not in the traffic jam. Maybe you were the traffic jam
• (10:12) Edison's lab on fire
• (11:30) All our mistakes burned up. We can start again
• (16:48) Coming up the hill and feeling the cold on my face
• (20:15) List the gifts. Then tell me what you got

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Steven

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How do you suffer less without going numb? Not by getting rid of the pain. By stopping the bypass.

I wanted the pain gone. Something stepped in and stopped me, and I am glad. Then a book taught me I am not my thoughts and things opened up, and suddenly a news story on the other side of the world could floor me. Empathy feels what they feel. Compassion says that must be tough and stays standing. Spiritual bypassing is the trap: love and light, deny the dark end, and you flatten the good end with it. The path is a bouncing ball, not a straight line, and it bounces less each time.

One thing to try: Next time somebody tells you something hard, do not match it with your own story. Say that must be tough and stay there.

• (2:40) I am not religious, and what I do lean on
• (5:15) I wanted the pain gone. Something stopped me
• (6:16) The email that made me cry
• (7:48) Reading each paragraph thirty times, and falling asleep on it
• (8:56) Suddenly feeling the whole world's news
• (11:34) Empathy feels it. Compassion holds it
• (14:00) You are not there to fix their broken leg
• (18:00) Love and light, and what it denies
• (19:00) The spiritual path as a bouncing ball

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Steven

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Can you clear muddy water by stirring it? Alan Watts said muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone, and that is the whole of this one.

I am learning Cornish and the history and I want more and more of it, so where is the line between interest and consuming? Controlling a little less makes everything easier. We already have what we need. I am enough, I have enough, I am at peace with myself and nature. Notice how fast you can go from consuming to that.

One thing to try: Leave one thing alone today that you would normally poke at. Watch it settle by itself.

• (0:01) Muddy water is best cleared by leaving it alone
• (2:45) Changing it to virtual hugs, because I barely drink coffee
• (4:37) Learning Cornish, and wanting more and more of it
• (6:30) Being here now, without consuming or pushing back
• (8:48) Controlling a little less makes things so much easier
• (11:09) All my tapes in colour order, and my CDs numbered
• (13:17) I am enough. I have enough. I am at peace

Lucy, Carol, Dawn, Sarah and Senga.

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Steven

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How many roles are you playing at once? Employee, colleague, manager, mentor, parent. I was a councillor and a mayor, and I am loving not being one of those anymore.

Life keeps getting more complicated and some days I am just keeping my head above water. Mother Teresa put it best to an audience of about three people. The roles pile up, professional and social, and each one carries its own expectations. Underneath them there are core principles, and you are probably all of them at different times.

One thing to try: List the roles you played today. Just list them. The number is usually the surprise.

• (0:02) Life getting more complicated, and keeping your head above water
• (2:46) Getting the whole back catalogue available
• (4:48) Employee, colleague, manager, leader, mentor, doctor
• (6:39) Councillor, mayor, and loving not being one now
• (9:07) Mother Teresa, to an audience of about three
• (11:17) The list of core principles, longer than I expected

Jack, Virginia and Ashley.

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Steven

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Why is your inner critic so much harsher than anybody else's? Because it has inside information. It knows what you actually think, and it uses all of it.

If a child came to me talking that way about themselves I would not stand for a second of it. Self love is not standing in front of a mirror saying you are great. It is being less harsh. It is opening your heart to the fact that you are human, with crazy thoughts and fluctuating energy. I am not the most amazing human in the world. I am here and I am doing my best.

One thing to try: Say the next critical thought out loud, then ask whether you would say it to a child.

• (0:02) The inner critic having a go, and what self love even means
• (4:49) It has inside information. It knows what you really think
• (7:05) If a child said that about themselves I would not stand for it
• (8:41) Self love is just being kind about being human
• (10:58) I am not the most amazing human. But I am showing up
• (13:28) Giving yourself space to be yourself without the criticism
• (15:28) Maybe I am projecting. Maybe others are not worried at all

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Steven

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Do you feel like you should not be in the room? I had imposter syndrome for years without a name for it, and hearing that Richard Branson has it too undid most of it.

When I sit with other councillors and other mayors, the voice says I am not intelligent enough to be there. Then there is the opposite, the Dunning Kruger side, where you know a little and overestimate wildly. I have done both, plenty of times. Anybody genuine has the self doubt. The difference is whether you say it out loud to somebody.

One thing to try: Tell one person the self doubt. Not to be fixed. Just to have said it to somebody.

• (0:03) Imposter syndrome, and overcoming it almost instantly
• (2:28) Dunning Kruger, and how it sits alongside it
• (4:41) Sitting with other councillors and other mayors
• (6:31) Hearing that Richard Branson has the same fear
• (9:12) Overestimating yourself when you are the expert
• (13:12) Being totally dismissive of it in my twenties
• (17:36) Knowing what really goes on in my own head
• (21:47) Share it. Not to be fixed, just to be heard

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Steven

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Why are you so tired when you have not done much? Because your head is full. Lists you never finished, voices from things you binge watched, and visual noise you never notice.

Have you ever watched something so much that their voices end up in your head? I have lists and lists that never got done, because my brain believes it already did them. I go to bed with all of it running. There is also visual noise, the stuff in the room your eyes keep processing whether you asked them to or not.

One thing to try: Write the whole list down tonight. All of it. Your brain stops carrying what it can see.

• (0:03) Uncluttering the mind, and finding stillness in the noise
• (2:33) Seeing one of the doctors in a completely different setting
• (5:22) Binge watching until their voices are in your head
• (7:33) Not thinking about council meetings. More room in my head
• (10:21) What happens from the front of your brain to the back
• (14:56) Lists never finished, because my brain thinks they are done
• (17:01) Write down all of it, then prioritise
• (19:40) Visual noise, and why it tires you out

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Steven

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When somebody treats you badly, why does who you are matter more than who they are?

Let no man pull you so low as to hate him. That is Martin Luther King, and it is the whole episode. Somebody slams a door on you, cuts you up on the road, and you want to phone everybody and post it. Two hours later you wish you had not. Nobody made you angry. You chose it, fast, but you chose it. Strong words are expensive to your own peace. If their behaviour decides your behaviour, you are not free at all.

One thing to try: Pause and take one breath before you respond. Then ask who you want to be in this.

• (4:16) My daughter, the van, and a heated text row
• (5:06) When we are triggered and we want revenge
• (6:42) Two hours later, I wish I had not said that
• (7:41) Did they make me angry, or did I choose it
• (9:16) Be that person, whatever life throws
• (11:53) Compassionate, caring and wise. What I aim for
• (15:13) Anger is expensive to your inner peace
• (16:34) If they control your reaction, you are not free
• (21:16) The Buddha, the poison and who drinks it

Senga, Holly, Trish Murphy, Blackwell JK, and Steven Webb, my namesake

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Steven

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Which moments turn out to be the big ones? Enjoy the little things, said Robert Brault, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.

All the presents from Father Christmas in one wrapping, on the bottom of the bed. The first time they wheeled me out through the front doors of the spinal unit, the same doors the air ambulance had brought me in through. And Bronnie Ware's five regrets of the dying, top of the list being the courage to live a life true to yourself.

One thing to try: Ring somebody you have not rung for a while. That is the little thing.

• (0:02) Enjoy the little things, for one day they were the big things
• (1:56) I will cry at anything, including television adverts
• (4:58) Bring a coffee, sit down, and talk for half an hour
• (6:43) Father Christmas, one wrapping paper, bottom of the bed
• (10:09) Being told my limit was far less than I thought
• (11:28) Out the front doors for the first time since the air ambulance
• (14:17) Bronnie Ware, and the five regrets of the dying
• (17:49) The park she asked to stop at, and always being told no

Sarah Dunn, Sarah, Nate and Christine, for the coffees. And Audra, for sharing her story.

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Steven

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What if you fit in everywhere and belong nowhere? Brene Brown said I may fit in for you, but I no longer belong to myself, and it landed hard.

At school I got on with plenty of people and there were always groups cooler than me. So we change who we are instead of finding out who we are. We are born a blank canvas and everybody hands us their colours. Einstein's parents told him not to go near physics. What matters most to me is independence, somebody being able to make their own decisions, and when I am near that my actions and feelings stop fighting each other.

One thing to try: Ask what actually drives you, then ask how that person would show up at an awkward family barbecue.

• (0:02) The Brene Brown line that started this one off
• (1:59) Those conversations where you unexpectedly click
• (3:40) School, and the groups that were always cooler than me
• (5:09) Changing who we are instead of finding out who we are
• (8:16) The blank canvas, and everybody handing you their colours
• (9:51) Einstein's parents telling him not to do physics
• (16:18) Independence, and why I am so passionate about it
• (20:38) Discovering your why, because you only get the one life

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Steven

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