On this episode of “The Language of Love,” Dr. Laura Berman talks about the most common mistakes that people make in the bedroom. How can you create passion and meaningful sexual intimacy even when you have been together for years? How can you make sex special on a regular weeknight when the kids are down the hall and there are still dirty dishes in the sink?

From understanding the different ways that men and women approach sexual pleasure to getting in touch with what you really want in the bedroom, Dr. Berman explains that the most fulfilling and passionate sex is often born out of self-knowledge and a willing to go beyond the surface.

“When we think of exciting sexual encounters or passionate hookups, we tend to imagine a very Hollywood image of what that kind of sex looks like. We picture a couple stumbling home from their date night or a night out at the bar, pulling each other’s clothes off as they trip down the hallway and then land in bed together. The sex feels very spontaneous and unplanned,” says Dr. Berman.

“But what I have found throughout my years as a sex therapist is that the best sex really happens when couples consciously do the work necessary to make uninhibited, whole-hearted sex possible. It’s not about a drunken hookup where you’re struggling to pull off each other’s close as fast as possible. It’s about slowing down, feeling what’s really happening inside, and knowing that you are safe enough and loved enough to show your whole self.”

Dr. Berman explains that this type of sex is also so special because it requires no preparation or extra window dressing.

“You don’t need the lingerie or the date nights or the candles,” says Dr. Berman. “Those things are wonderful and special, but if you’re having conscious, whole-hearted, enlightened sex, or some form of conscious physical connection (even if it’s just for 10 minutes), that means more than a whole night of bells and whistles without any emotional depth or real intimacy.”

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