Mark Goulston, author of Just Listen, helps us break through our teenager’s barriers to have vulnerable conversations, solve conflict, and create more open lines of communication.

Full show notes

Having an open, communicative, connected relationship with your teen is awesome…but pretty difficult to achieve. Teens don’t exactly make it easy to get close to them–when we try to have heart-to-hearts, they usually just roll their eyes. Plus, it’s hard to spend quality time together when they disappear to their rooms for hours at a time! Being vulnerable with teens can be an incredible way to bond with them and prep them with life advice for the world ahead, if we could only get them to listen.

To make things more complicated, having these conversations is usually a two-part process. Even when we’ve got kids to open up, it’s another challenge altogether to know what to say! When teens tell us about what’s going on with them, we don’t want to shut them down or make them feel worse. We want to give them advice that will help them become their best selves. Although this might feel like an impossible task, we’re giving you some tips this week to help you get there.

Our guest today is Mark Goulston, renowned psychologist and author of many books, including the popular Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior and Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. Mark’s experiences working with patients and talking to parents all over the world has left him with some powerful notions about making an impact on teens. 

In our interview, we’re covering the importance of opening up to teens, how you can create a safe space for teens to be vulnerable, and how we can move forward to a promising future with kids instead of dwelling on our past mistakes.

How Conversations Can Lead to Connections

Our words are often a lot more powerful to teens than we might think. During our discussion, Mark shares a touching story about how a talk in his young adult years changed his life forever. When he was on the brink of dropping out of med school, the dean of students told him he had a streak of goodness in him, and fought for him to stay in the program. At the time, Mark's mental health was poor. When the dean said Mark had a future ahead of him, Mark finally felt like he had the power to go on. For some teens, this kind of encouragement can be essential.

For others, it can be critical to know it’s ok to make mistakes. In the episode, Mark explains how some teens constantly compare themselves to their “perfect” seeming parents, and feel like they can never measure up. By letting your walls down and allowing yourself to be vulnerable about your own mistakes, you can help teens see that they don’t always have to be flawless. Mark and I talk a lot in the interview about the damage of pushing kids to be high achievers and how we can move towards a healthier set of expectations.

When you’re able to connect with teens on a deeper level, they develop what Mark calls basic trust. This is an essential part of growing from a teen to a functional, content adult. Without this trust, they often feel anxious stepping into the world and don’t have a sense of safety, he says. When you and your kid are truly able to bond on a deeper level, you can reach what Mark describes as “radical attunement,” which goes deeper than just surface conversation and allows the two of you to be connected by instinct. Mark and I dive further into his concept in our talk.

So you know how important these talks can…but how can we go about having them? 

Asking Teens the Right Questions

When it comes to working out conflicts with teens, Mark recommends looking towards the future instead of the past. Instead of bringing up old points of tension from previous mistakes, he explained that it can be more productive to ask teens how they want things to be different in the future. Is there something you’ve been doing that’s harmful? What can you start doing to help teens develop confidence and healthy habits? 

Discussing the future can also be a pre-emptive way to figure out incoming issues before they become arguments. Mark recommends asking kids what you should do the next time you find yourself concerned by their behavior. Kids might say to text them, or write them a letter, or just talk to them directly–but getting their game plan will help next time there’s a tussle between the two of you. Instead of acting without a plan, you’ll have their input for how to handle their bad grade or disrespectful attitude.

When teens are angry or acting out, they often don’t respond well to punitive measures. What they really need, Mark says, is to be asked how they are feeling–and why they are feeling it. Mark suggests waiting until an upset teen has calmed down before asking them what they feel is missing in their life or why they’re feeling bad about themselves. Or if focusing too much on achievement has left them feeling empty. Mark calls this a time out, except it requires both teens and parents to take a minute and acknowledge that continuing to fight will only make the issue worse.

But what can you do when teens are resistant to letting their walls down, or snap at you for even trying to start a discussion? Mark and I talk about how you can get these conversations going in our interview.

Creating a Space for Conversation

If you want to initiate a talk but don’t know if a kid will respond well, Mark advises skipping the awkwardness of trying to sit them down for a serious discussion. Instead, he suggests having this talk while doing something else, like driving to the store or washing dishes. This makes things a little more comfortable and less confrontational, Mark explains. 

When teens are prompted to bring up serious topics, it can often trigger trauma from previous wounds. Maybe you’re concerned about the way they’ve been dressing…but discussing this might remind them of the body insecurity so many teens suffer from. Some teens become angry or hostile when prompted to open up, but if you can meet them where they are and show that you understand how they’re feeling deep down, it can help the conversation become more productive and less hot-headed, says Mark. In our interview, we discuss how problems can arise when teens begin relying too much on angry outbursts to get your attention.

Mark believes very strongly in the power of mentorship. If you can’t have these conversations with kids, there may be a non-parental figure who your kid responds to a little bit easier. Mark explains that when kids turn to a mentor instead of their parents, it doesn’t mean parents have failed. Mentors are powerful because kids often find them independently; this person is someone they’ve sought out on their own. This figure also keeps kids from being too dependent on parents, and helps them learn to make meaningful connections out in the world.

In the Episode..

 Mark and I have a light hearted but rich conversation in this week’s episode, covering a wide range of parenting topics. On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

• What kids really mean when they say “I’m fine”
• Why you shouldn’t offer solutions to upset teens
• What happens when kids are too coddl...

Chris and Holly Santillo, authors of Resilience Parenting, shed light on raising teens who persevere. They’re sharing how teens can balance independence and connectedness, and what we can do to model resiliency for our kids.

Full show notes

The road in front  of our teens is a rocky one. They’re heading into adulthood in the midst of a pandemic, trying to figure out what they want to do and who they want to be. They’re attempting to find independence, but also curate new relationships. There’s no shortage of obstacles in their path–if they want to get through, they’ll have to know how to persevere. They’ll have to be resilient.

But how can we as parents help them get there? Turns out, there’s a lot we can do! And it starts with being resilient ourselves. If we show kids that we can  bounce back from our mistakes, they’ll know that they’re capable of it too. Then, when it’s time to step out into the world, they won’t come running back home scared. They’ll know how to roll with the punches, think on their feet, and get up when life knocks them down!

To understand how we can model resilience for our kids, we’re talking to Chris and Holly Santillo, authors of Resilience Parenting: Raising Resilient Children in an Era of Detachment and Dependence. These two have decades of experience both raising and working with kids. Together, they own and operate a martial arts studio, and Holly leads a childrens’ choir. Plus they’ve traveled all over the world with their three  kids, and learned quite a bit about resilience along the way.

In this episode, Chris, Holly and I are talking about the ways parents can teach perseverance by example. Plus, we’re discussing the importance of service, and explaining how teens can become independent without sacrificing their connections to others.

How Parents Can Promote Perseverance

Although we’ve been around quite a bit longer than our kids, we still find ourselves facing plenty of challenges. We have to keep learning and growing everyday! Our teens  are handling all the craziness of puberty, first love and fears of the future. It can be reassuring to remind them they’re not the only ones who are still figuring it all out, say Chris and Holly. Chris explains in the episode that pretending to be perfect only hurts  our children, because it makes them feel as though they can’t make mistakes themselves!

Holly and Chris explain that when kids fail for the first time, they begin to think of themselves as losers or failures. It can be really tough to convince them otherwise! Chris and Holly recommend reminding them that failure is not a person, it’s an event! Just because they mess up once, or even ten times, doesn’t mean they can’t bounce back. Holly emphasizes the value of being vulnerable with kids about your own failures. Did you also struggle with a class in high school? Or find yourself unlucky in love? Sharing these experiences with your kids can help them push through.

Holly reminds us that we can model not only resilience for our kids, but integrity as well. When kids see parents doing the right thing, they know to follow suit. But kids aren’t necessarily going to notice, says Holly, so it can be impactful to point out when we display integrity. That way kids don’t miss it! When we lend something to a neighbor or volunteer to help the vulnerable, we can explain to kids why we’re doing what we’re doing. This guides them to see the importance of doing good. In the episode, Holly, Chris and I discuss how we can talk about our virtuous actions without just bragging about our selflessness!

Beyond just setting an example, service to others can be a very positive part of life for both teens and parents! Chris Holly and I dive deeper into this in our interview.

Helping Ourselves By Helping Others

Serving those in need is a great way to give back, but it can also give us something in return! Chris, Holly and I discuss how there are so many benefits for teens who take part in volunteering and community service. Not only does it lift their spirits, it also helps them meet people, socialize, and create a network. This web of social support is something that Chris and Holly believe is essential for remaining resilient.

This service doesn’t necessarily have to be in a soup kitchen! Contributing to the well-being of others takes many forms, Holly and Chris explain. In our interview, Holly demonstrates this idea with  a story. She recently helped her mother-in-law hang up some photographs, something her mother-in-law couldn’t do alone. The experience took Holly’s time and effort but also brought them closer together and made her in-laws happy…which is no easy task!

For teens preparing to enter adulthood, the lessons and connections they make helping others will follow them as they go on their way, says Chris. Life is tough, but when you support others and find people who support you, resilience comes a little easier. 

But some teens don’t want to rely on anyone–they’d rather sit in their room with their ear buds in and the door closed, ignoring you. They think that they have to go through life alone, without anyone’s help! In the episode, Chris, Holly and I talk about how teens can establish a balance between having independence and being connected to others.

Being Independent Without Being Alone

When we experience a surge of success, be it a new job, a promotion, exciting recognition…we want to run home and tell someone about it! Chris and Holly believe that a life well- lived requires loved ones, not just accomplishment. Teaching teens to stay connected to one another can do wonders for them as they grow into adults. If they’re going to keep their resilience and bounce back when things go sour, it’ll be in their best interest to learn how to lean on others, say Chris and Holly. 

However, Chris and Holly are also worried about teens who aren’t independent enough! Some kids never learn to do things for themselves, leading them to become too dependent on their parents or other relationships. Although we need to have friends and family, it’s also important to do things for ourselves, Chris and Holly explain. So how can we strike the balance between these two? It’s definitely not easy, but it’s possible, Chris tells us in the episode. In our interview, discuss how you can help teens develop autonomy while also forming healthy connections.

If teens have managed to strike this balance successfully, Chris and Holly believe they can go one step further–advocacy. If teens can start defending their peers when they see wrong happening, they can develop a strong sense of justice that will help them prosper out in the world! This is not just a way for teenagers to help those in need, it’s a valuable way for them to forge strong beliefs, a sense of purpose and impactful social connections.

In the Episode…

If you want to raise a more resilient teen, you’ll really enjoy today’s episode! On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

• How to get teens to take their earbuds out
• Why you should create a culture of learning in your household
• How to have better dinner conversations
• What you can do to help teens facing peer pressure

Thanks for listening! Chris and Holly welcome questions, suggestions, and everything else throu...

Peter Docker, author of Leading From The Jumpseat, gives us pointers on how and when to let go of the urge to control our teens. Plus, he shares what we can do to stay cool when teens press our buttons.

Full show notes

It can be alarming when  teens are suddenly staying out late, dating, and getting behind the wheel. It’s easy to see them as the tiny toddler they once were, when barely able to even walk! Watching them grow from little kids to young adults means that we have to relinquish control and give them more and more independence….which is no simple task. We want to protect them, shelter them and guide their every move to make sure they don’t go astray, but maybe this isn’t the best way to prepare them to take on life in the real world!

This week’s episode is about taking the backseat as a parent. Even when we want to run out the door and stop our teen from going out in that outfit, or watch over them until they finish every problem on their physics homework, sometimes it’s wise to step back and let them go at it on their own. Even though teens might mess up, make mistakes and have regrets, a little bit of independence can be an important preparation for the wild ride of adulthood they’ll face up ahead. 

We’re sitting down with Peter Docker, author of Leading From The Jumpseat: How to Create Extraordinary Opportunities by Handing Over Control. After 25 years serving in the United Kingdom’s Royal Air Force, Peter became a leadership expert, helping companies all around the globe for nearly 14 years. Plus, he’s a father of two! Peter pours his knowledge about service, business, and teamwork into a parenting context this week to help us see how we can run our homes with integrity and purpose.

Peter and I are discussing the difference between taking a position and taking a stand–and why this is a crucial distinction parents need to make. Plus, we’re talking about authenticity and integrity, and explaining how you can finally get your teen to put their dirty laundry in the hamper! 

How Parents Can Take a Stand

When our teens decide they want a nose piercing or to stay out until four AM,  our first reaction is usually to firmly declare “that’s not allowed!” This leads the two of you to argue. Your teen slams the door in your face, and you have the same fight over and over until there’s nothing left to do but give in or give up. But according to Peter, there’s a better way. Instead of taking a position, he says we need to take a stand.

You may think those sound like the exact same thing, but Peter explains that they actually couldn't be more different. A position is a strong reaction to the situation at hand, and usually sparks a counterposition. You take the position that your teen can’t vape, they take the position that they can do whatever they want! But a stand goes deeper than just a position. It requires you to look at what you truly care about, and what’s important to you. Instead of just taking the position that your teen shouldn't vape, Peter says we should take a stand for your teens health and wellness.

This shows teens that your attitude isn’t just about disagreeing with them, it’s about looking out for them. It might take a little extra effort not to throw a “because I said so” their way, but it’s worth it, says Peter. Teens respond much better when they feel like they’re being considered, not just told what to do. 

Similarly, it helps to come into these conflicts with a level head.  In the episode, Peter and I talk about the difference between an emotional reaction and a logical response, and how responding to a tricky situation with intention makes a world of difference.

Authenticity vs. Integrity

We care about our kids more than anything…which is why we can get frustrated, angry or upset when we feel like they aren’t listening. But Peter recommends we let our brain process our emotions before we enter into a loaded discussion with teens, or anticipate how we’ll feel and prepare so that we don’t blow up in their faces. As Peter says in the episode, we want to make sure our response comes from a place of love, not from a place of fear.

Peter explains that this is the difference between authenticity and integrity. Although people often tell us to “be authentic”,  Peter believes this is an oversimplification of parenting, or any kind of leadership. While it’s good to be honest and vulnerable, Peter says that we can’t just unleash whatever kind of “authentic” behavior we might feel inclined to perform. Instead, he suggests living with integrity, and putting a filter over our natural behavior to make sure we’re acting as role models. Thoughtful, intentional parenting is more impactful than just unfiltered behavior, says Peter.

Of course, this is always much easier said than done. That’s why Peter and I take time to discuss the possibility of messing up in this week’s episode. Peter speaks to the importance of humble confidence, being able to admit to your teen that you may have blown things out of proportion. Asking for forgiveness not only strengthens bonds with teens, it also models humility! Watching you take responsibility for your lip ups can show teens that they’re capable of doing the same.

Beyond just staying calm and taking a stand, Peter and I are discussing other ways we can get through to teens. Specifically, we’re talking about the importance of community and belonging.

Inspiring Responsibility in Teens

It can be hard to motivate teens to take their responsibilities seriously. Luckily, Peter has some tips! In our interview, we talk about how tricky it is to get teens to put their dirty laundry away. But if they’re going out with their friends on Saturday night and want their favorite shirt to get washed, it's sure to be in the basket! Peter explains that teens are spurred on by social pressure, by the need to fit in and belong. And although this can definitely work against you as a parent, you can also make it work in your favor!

Teens’ need to belong beyond just their peers. Reminding teens that they belong in your family too might just encourage them to be more responsible, says Peter. Teens are annoyed when you ask them to take out the dishwasher...but if you remind them that it’s for the communal good of the family and emphasize the important role they play in the household, they might be more likely to follow through, As Peter emphasizes in the episode, we take responsibility for what we care about and what we commit to.

Peter has some interesting takes on the idea of commitment, which we discussed this week. As Peter explains in our interview, commitment is not just something you pledge to others, but to yourself.  If teens really want to commit to getting an A in chemistry or make the soccer team, it won’t be because you told them to. It will come because they motivated themselves! Helping teens realize this can bring them to think critically about what they really want to commit to, and where they want to direct their efforts.

In the Episode…

It was so great to talk with Peter about how we can incorporate principles of strong leadership into our families. On top of the topics discussed above, we also cover:

• Why it’s critical for parents to be consistent
• How to maintain our values through hardship
• ...

Dr Anna Lembke, author of Dopamine Nation, shares insight into the pain-pleasure circuitry in the brain and how it affects our ability to become addicted to painful things and numb to pleasurable ones—and how we can do a ‘reset’ to get back a sensitivity for both.

Full show notes

What do you do when your teen suddenly seems to be in a rut? It might be that they barely eat, lock themselves in their room, or stop talking to their friends…whatever it is, they won’t clue you in to what’s wrong. The truth is, they may not even know! These days, more and more people are finding themselves feeling down without an obvious reason—and this week, we’re going to find out why.

In recent years, the number of prescriptions for antidepressants has gone up all across the globe…but so have rates of depression and anxiety. How could this be possible? It might just be that relying on medicine is actually making us feel worse in the long run–and the same goes for other substances, or even unexpected comforts like social media and video gaming. To help us understand further, we’re talking to a brilliant psychologist who knows a thing or two about addiction and the mind’s ability to process feel-good chemicals. 

Dr. Anna Lembke is the Medical Director of Stanford Addiction Medicine and has been a leading researcher on addiction for over 25 years! Her new book, Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence, highlights just how easy it is to partake into too much pleasure when we’re constantly oversaturated with media influence and convenient dopamine hits like fast food and vaping. Beyond just substance abuse, many teens are finding themselves addicted to digital stimulation, pornography or social media, but may not exactly why they’re feeling so blue all the time.

To help us understand this mental health crisis, Dr. Lembke and I are discussing the neurological and evolutionary reasons behind why teens get into depressive episodes from too much indulgent behavior. Plus, we’re talking about what we can do to make our teens less vulnerable to addictive forces, and how to get them to open up about their bad habits.

Why Your Teen Might Be in a Slump

There are a lot of reasons why teens can end up in a bad mood, but if they seem like they’re in a hole they just can’t get out of, an addictive behavior might be behind it. Anna explains that in our modern world, with access to endless entertainment and substances, we have a tendency to bombard ourselves with pleasure…but it has a price. When we experience a rush of happiness, our minds react by releasing dopamine, a feel-good chemical. Then, in order to restore our mind's balance, our brain brings in different chemicals that make us feel, well, not so good.

Usually, this system works efficiently and effectively to keep our moods stable. But when we’re constantly filling up our brain with dopamine by reaching for alcohol or even the TV remote, we set our brain’s balance off, says Anna. To try and restore the balance, our brain pumps out  chemicals to lower our moods…but it doesn’t really know when it’s reached the right threshold. This leads us to feel chronically depressed and anxious as a result of our addictive behavior, Anna explains.

This search for pleasure developed as humans tried to survive bleak conditions, and needed that dopamine to go on, she tells us in the episode. But as we became pleasure-seeking creatures, we started to get a little too good at it! Now, instead of wandering through the forest, scavenging for food with enough sugar and fat to keep us alive, we can drive through McDonalds and get burgers in sodas in less than ten minutes. Instead of waiting for the sparkle of the stars to stimulate our minds, we can flip on a screen at any moment and watch whatever we want. 

We are programmed to search for pleasure as though we are still in a place of scarcity, even though we live in abundance. Dr. Lembke describes us as cactuses in the rainforest! This leads our whole mental balance to fall out of place, especially for teenagers whose minds are still developing. So how can we fix it? Dr. Lembke and I discuss solutions in the episode.

Treating a Depressed Teen

Nowadays, when teens are feeling blue, we tend to prescribe them an antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication. But this may not be the answer, says Dr. Lembke. In the episode, she explains that while these medicines can be helpful and even life changing, they really only work in the short term. There is almost no reliable evidence to support the idea that these medications are helpful when taken for months or even years, she says. The problem is that users of these drugs begin to build a tolerance to them, making them ineffective, or even harmful if they set off the brian’s natural balance.

A lot of times, teens who are dependent on an addictive substance or behavior might not be open to letting that behavior go, Anna explains. They might believe that the behavior is helping them feel less depressed or anxious, when really it’s the cause of the problem! Anna explains how humans are born with brilliant storytelling abilities, and we often harness that ability to create elaborate and convincing rationales for our own destructive behavior. For teens who aren’t yet seeing the physical effects of their addictive behavior, it’s even harder to see a reason to stop indulging.

Anna usually advises most of her patients to do one single thing–lay off their destructive habit for 30 days. This allows their brain to restore its natural chemical balance, free from the dopamine overload caused by that addictive behavior. If your teen has been spending too much time playing Fortnite or scrolling through Instagram, it might help to suggest that they delete it for a month, and see if their mood improves! 

Obviously, it’s not super likely that your teen will be incredibly receptive to this suggestion. In the episode, Anna and I discuss how you can get teens to open up to the idea of dropping their addictive behavior.

Helping Teens Improve Their Habits

It’s not easy to talk to a teen out of a bad habit. Half the time, they just shut the door in your face, or throw some hurtful words at you to get you to go away. If we're going to figure out how to get through to them, we’ll have to talk to someone who’s an expert at talking to avoidant addicts and helping those who don’t want to help themselves! Luckily, Anna is here to give us some expert tips so we can have productive discussions with teens instead of scaring them off.

To get kids to think critically, Anna recommends invoking the idea of the future. Teenagers who are behaving impulsively might benefit from thinking about where they’re at and where they want to be. Young people are especially likely to search for immediate gratification without thinking about future consequences. Dr. Lembke suggests asking them questions like: do you want to keep vaping like that for the rest of your life? Or, do you want to play video games this much when you’re twenty five? This might prompt them to shift their perspective by causing them to think about their life’s direction.

Anna also emphasizes the importance of keeping your own parental emotions out of the discussion. This kind of serious conversation should happen when you’re feeling comfortable enough to have an open discussion and not react with panic or overwhelming urgency, she says. Instead of offeri...

Dexter Dias, author of The Ten Types of Human, offers insight on the personality “apps” that drive human behavior. Plus, how to instill compassion and help your teen avoid burning out their kindness!

Full show notes

When we’re bombarded with some of the terrifying stuff on the news these days, we might find ourselves wishing there were more compassionate people in the world. Luckily, If we can raise the next generation to be considerate, kind and morally educated, we might be able to steer our society in a better direction. That being said, it’s no easy task to teach teenagers to practice empathy!

This week, we’re talking all about compassion–how we can help teens develop it, and why they’re often at risk of losing it. To get to the bottom of what it really means to be compassionate, we’re diving deep into the psychology and evolutionary development that defines our empathetic impulses. By doing this, we can go beyond just telling teens to be nice; we can teach them to think critically about their own social behavior.

We’re welcoming Dexter Dias to the show this week! Dexter is a barrister (the British version of a lawyer), involved in some of the most prominent human rights cases in recent years. He’s facing issues like terrorism, murder, crimes against humanity and more. Dexter’s a prize winning scholar of Cambridge university, a visiting researcher at Harvard and has written reports to the United Nations! All of this work defending vulnerable people as well as studying human behavior has taught him a thing or two about the ways we empathize with one another.

In our interview, Dexter and I are talking about how humans can sometimes burn out when they’re expressing compassion left and right–and how you can teach yourself and your teen to avoid this problem. Plus, we’re discussing evolutionary development to understand why we sometimes let our compassion be overridden by our need to fit in.

The Challenges of Being Compassionate

Although we know our teens are good people, actually practicing compassion every day can be pretty tough for their growing minds. As you may recall, the halls of high school can be vicious...meaning that teens aren’t always as nice to their peers as they could be. Dexter explains in the episode that the socially vicious behavior of adolescents is largely a result of unconscious activity in their minds, triggered by cues they may not even be aware of. 

In fact, our behavior is so controlled by these subconscious impulses that we don’t even need to be able to see others to feel triggered by them. Dexter and I discussed research featuring blind patients which demonstrated that our neural systems are able to pick up aspects of human conduct and behavior without even viewing them. Dexter and I chat more about the implications of this fascinating study in the episode!

Dexter describes one of these subconscious impulses–the fear of ostracism–as one the driving forces of human behavior….especially teenage behavior! Humans have a deep need to belong, explains Dexter, a need which developed as we evolved through time. When our ancestors were faced with danger, being part of a group gave them a better chance at survival. Nowadays, this survival technique still lingers, and is particularly strong among teenagers still finding their way. 

But is it really that big of a deal if your teen finds themselves excluded from the lunch table? Yes, according to Dexter! He explains that the pain caused by rejection is just as strong as physical pain, because it comes from the same neural activity. Not to mention that In our modern world social media causes teens to be conscious of their social standing 24 hours a day. The anxiety about fitting in follows them home from school, and is present in every like and follower they recieve–or don’t receive.

This intense desire to fit in with our peers can cause people to do some frankly terrible things. As a human rights lawyer, Dexter sees the connection between some of the world's worst atrocities and our fear of ostracism. If we’re going to be compassionate and teach our kids to do the same, Dexter says we’ll have to overcome this deeply rooted need for approval from others. In the episode, he explains that the focus needs to shift from changing the attitude of individuals to really transforming our culture as a whole.

Although this fear of not belonging is one of the greatest risks to our compassion, there are others. Dexter explains that we can often become emotionally overwhelmed, causing our compassion to suffer. But don’t fret, there are solutions!

Handling Compassion Overload

When we open ourselves up to being compassionate to others, we can sometimes find ourselves facing a lot of stress. Dexter explains how this is often a problem for him in his work as a human rights lawyer. Although he wants to help those in need, it can be tough seeing the injustices of the world and feeling like you’re up against the impossible. Front line workers like social workers, nurses and aids often find themselves the most at risk of this feeling, but it can happen to any of us. Something as simple as volunteering at a food bank can cause this overwhelming stress at the state of the world!

Dexter warns that this feeling can lead to serious burn out if not treated or prevented. To keep compassionate teens from losing steam, he explains that they’ve sometimes got to put themselves first. Although it might seem contradictory, taking care of ourselves is the only way we’ll have the energy to care for others! Dexter recommends reflecting and practicing discipline to make sure you and your teen are watching our own health and happiness along with the wellbeing of others.

In the episode, Dexter and I also talk about how we can work on being aware of the injustices of the world without becoming so sad or angry that we’re incapable of helping the vulnerable. He and I discussed a study in which participants were exposed to disturbing images of those in need. By measuring their reactions, Dexter explains that the participants were found to have serious physiological distress, simply as a result of viewing suffering. 

But when prompted to think critically about how they could improve the situation they saw on screen, they were found to experience the effects at a lower frequency. By changing their perspective to one of productivity and action, they were able to increase their capacity  for compassion. In our interview, Dexter and I talk more about how we can bring this perspective into everyday life.

Evolutionarily, humans developed to stick in small groups, meaning our compassion can only stretch so far before it suffers. As we’ve developed as a species, we’ve mostly lived in small groups, far apart from one another–much different from our modern urban, city-dwelling way of life. This means that in our everyday life, our ability to be compassionate is tested by interacting with so many people! In the episode, Dexter explains how one hundred and fifty is the magical number of people we can hold compassion for. Any more than that and we get overwhelmed!

One way of combating this is keeping compassion local, Dexter explains. Many people find themselves much more inclined to help those in their own communities rather than a greater global cause, and Dexter believes this is a good place to start. ...

Alex J. Packer, author of Slaying Digital Dragons, joins us for a look at technology’s effects on our physical, mental, and social health, and how we can control our own tech use, and not let it control us!

Full show notes

For parents, technology can be quite the headache. We want kids to stay connected to the world, but is their iphone distracting them from school? Is all the time spent on social media making them depressed or anxious? Should we be limiting their screen time, blocking websites or supervising them while they’re scrolling through Tik Tok? At this point, it’s tempting to just throw their phones in the trash and forbid them from going on the computer at all!

But if we try to set rules or even just tell them to put the phone down, they’re suddenly slamming the door in our faces or rolling their eyes. Even when we have the best intentions, trying to monitor teen’s tech use can turn into a cycle of nagging and arguing. If we’re going to escape all the bickering, we’ve got to convince teens to make the change for themselves, instead of trying to force them to budge.

Our guest this week is not only an expert on how screens are affecting budding minds, but also has some seriously smart tips for talking to teens about it all. Alex J. Packer spent 14 years as President and CEO of FCD Educational Services, the leading nonprofit providing drug education and substance abuse prevention services for schools across the world. His new book, Slaying Digital Dragons: Tips and Tools for Protecting Your Body, Brain, Psyche, and Thumbs from the Digital Dark Side, touches on a new kind of addiction–the compulsive use of screens in our society, particularly amongst young adults.

In our interview, we’re diving deep into the harmful effects of tech on teens, and getting into how to help kids cleanse themselves of toxic tech habits.

Why We Should Be Worried About Teens’ Tech Use

Although you may have heard about the negative effects of too much screen time, it can be easy to just dismiss these ideas as myths. If your teen doesn’t seem to be struggling with anything as a result of their new iphone, should you really be worried? According to Alex, you definitely should be. In our interview, he’s laying out several concerning effects of too much tech use–some social, some physical, some psychological and some emotional!

One of the most commonly discussed conundrums of the social media age is the tendency for young adults (and everyone else) to become rather obsessed with online popularity and image. Teens have been concerned with popularity since teenagerhood was invented, but social media has taken the adolescent quest for social status from the high school halls right into your child’s bedroom, says Alex. Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat cause teens to think about their status 24/7, by constantly reminding them about likes, shares and followers. No wonder our kids are so stressed out!

There are also plenty of physical effects brought about by all the screen time. Teens (and parents!) can suffer from intense eye strain from spending so much time staring at their tiny phone screens. Alex also explains an issue he calls “tech neck” or the pain, soreness, and bad posture we experience as a result of hunching over our laptops and ipads. There’s the possibility of pain in hand and fingers, but most concerning of all to Alex is the risk to our sleep. In the episode, he explains further why we should be very worried about the effects of screens on our ability to sleep.

The constant stimulation of screens is also a consistent psychological problem, says Alex. It tends to trigger our fight or flight response, which activates our nervous system. Continuously aggravating our body this way leads to chronic stress, which not only affects our bodily health, but our minds as well. Teens might find themselves struggling to focus or remember things, leading their academic performance to falter.

Plus, Alex says there’s science to suggest that having so many devices is affecting teens’ social skills. Research shows that teenagers these days aren’t as comfortable socializing face to face. They aren't as capable of solving conflict or expressing themselves, Alex explains. In the episode, Alex and I discuss how this can become a cycle: teens don’t socialize in person, and find socializing online easier...meaning they are discouraged from talking to peers in the real world and continue chatting on the internet instead.

Now that we’re familiar with the problems tech can cause our teens, Alex helps us discover some solutions!

Getting Teens to Actually Talk About Tech

It can be pretty tricky to have constructive talks with teens about anything, but their phones and computers are an especially tough topic. Teens tend to dislike the suggestion that they should lay off their screens for any amount of time! Trying to restrict the sites they visit can also be challenging, as teens are pretty determined to have as much independence as possible.

Alex suggests shifting energy away from the power struggle, and instead attempting to create a partnership around tech use. Teenagers will never react well to someone trying to establish control, says Alex. Instead, if you can get teens to understand that you’re on their side, you’ll be much more successful, he explains. 

To start, Alex recommends asking teens some questions to prompt them to think critically about the ways they use their devices. Do they find that they struggle to sleep after using their computers late at night? How often do they look at their phones when they're socializing with friends in person? Do they tend to look towards their tech when they’re sad or bored? And does it really make them feel better….or do they just end up feeling worse? These questions are some of the first steps teens can take to becoming increasingly self aware about their technology use.

It can also be really helpful to educate teens about the effects of too much tech. They may not realize how much their bodies and minds are being shaped by the technology they use every single day. Once parents explain, teens might make the connection between their own habits and their lack of sleep, or their frequent anxiety, says Alex.

In the episode,  Alex explains how teens can perform what he calls an “app-endectomy”. This is a multi-step process teens can use to cleanse themselves to their toxic tech habits. It starts with teens asking reflective questions about their tech use to understand where they might be going wrong. Then Alex recommends they set one achievable goal, so as not to overwhelm themselves–like aiming to put their phone away two hours before bedtime every night. Alex explains the next steps to this proven method in our interview!

He emphasizes that teens tend to model the behavior of parents. This means that if parents are on their phones at the dinner table, kids will be too. If you want to create a certain culture around technology in your home, Alex suggests starting by exhibiting healthy patterns yourself!

In the Episode…

There are so many useful tips for parents to tackle tech in this week’s episode! On top of the ideas mentioned above, we talk about:

• Why the internet may be endangering our democracy
• How screens are affecting the prefrontal cortex
• Why striving for social status can be d...

Dan Sheeks, author of First to a Million, gives us a run-down of what early financial independence could look like for your teen and how they can get started on their journey. It’s not about making enough money to laze around all day—it’s about having more options.

Full show notes

Do you ever wish you learned smart financial planning earlier in life? Maybe if you’d just had some more information, you could have that sports car you’ve always fantasized about...or maybe you would’ve just avoided making some rough mistakes! In order to set our teens on a better path, it might be wise to get them started on a financial education while they’re still under our roofs–so that when they step into adult life, they’ll pay bills and crunch numbers like a boss.

The only problem is….kids don’t want to talk about money. They’d love to talk to you about the things they want to buy. But when it comes to investing, saving or planning, you might as well be talking to a wall. How can we get kids excited to learn more about their personal finances? 

Dan Sheeks is here to answer that question and many more! He’s a high school business teacher and author of the new book, First to a Million: a Teenagers Guide to Early Financial Independence. Dan’s been teaching business to teens for nearly two decades, making him pretty qualified to give financial advice to you and your kids. He knows just how to make finance palatable to teens, and all the juicy secrets for making money while you’re young!

In our interview, we’re talking about what we can say to teens to get them interested in financial planning. Plus, Dan is explaining the difference between real and false assets, outlining different kinds of debt, revealing how teens can get a “next level” job, and much, much more. This episode is bursting with great financial advice for both teens and parents!

Getting Teens To Care About Their Finances

Although kids may seem bored by discussions of dollars and cents, they probably aren’t tired of telling you their dreams. And it’s pretty likely that their dreams include travelling, making art or accomplishing things outside a 9-5 job. Even if teens do aspire to be lawyers or doctors, it might be because they’ve been conditioned to think this way their entire life, says Dan. He encourages parents to sit down with kids and ask them what they’d like to do with their lives, especially if money wasn’t a factor.

When prompted with questions like these, Dan finds that many of his students express frustration with what’s expected of them. They don’t want to be on a preset path for forty or fifty years; they want the freedom to explore, try new things and pursue their passions. Although it may seem impossible for them to have all this and still have a stable income, Dan believes the contrary. With Dan’s advice, teens might just be able to have it all.

Dan’s methods for saving money can help kids follow the path they dream of–making finance seem much more fascinating to them! If you can frame smart money-planning in a way that helps teens realize they can have their cake and eat it too, they’re much more likely to lend an ear when it’s time to chat about equity, savings accounts, index funds and tax breaks. 

But how is this possible? How can we make our money work in our favor? Well, Dan is giving us some expert advice this week to help both you and your teen make smart decisions and unlock the life you deserve.

Assets, Debt, and Jobs (Oh My!)

You may know a thing or two about assets, but did you know there are two different kinds? Dan explains in the episode the difference between false assets and real assets. No, false assets are not a scam...although they may cause you to lose money over time! False assets are assets that depreciate in value, meaning that by the time you sell them, they might not be worth as much as you bought them for. A car is a good example. Dan tells us in the interview about the incredible value of real assets over fake ones.

When it comes to losing money, Dan believes that not all debt is bad. Although debt like student loans and credit card debt are definitely not good, there are also ways a person can accumulate debt that will actually benefit them in the end! Dan recommends that teens look into the possibility of debt if it comes with purchasing a piece of property. Although they may find themselves paying off the purchase over time, they can also rent it out and not only make payments, but turn a profit! In this case, Dan believes it’s wise for teens to consider taking on some debt.

For teens getting a head start thinking about money, jobs are definitely on the table...but Dan thinks teens shouldn’t just go for any old job. In the episode, he explains the concept of a “next level job”, or a job kids can get now to help set them up for success later. This depends on what kids hope to do with their future, but it could be anything from  a secretary in an office to an unpaid internship. As long as it’s getting kids prepared for their future, it’s better than a simple part time employment that doesn’t round out their life, says Dan.

All this talk of assets and debt makes it seem like the only thing there is to do is spend…but what about saving? In our interview, Dan drops some expert tips for teens to save money the right way.

Secrets to Successful Saving

Dan doesn’t believe in budgeting. Well, ok, he’s not against it...but in the interview, he explains that it’s wiser to track expenses then create a fixed limit for doling out funds. When we create spending limits, we too often tend to start thinking of them as spending goals...and then we find ourselves going out to dinner one last time before the end of the month just to fulfill our $100 restaurant budget! Instead, he suggests we look at how much we naturally spend and see where we can cut down.

In order to make the most of saving accounts, Dan recommends teens open up three different ones. That’s right, three accounts! One for emergencies, in case they fall out of a tree or crash their car. Another for future investments like a house can be helpful. And finally, Dan recommends having a third savings account for fun stuff! It’s not wrong to want to vacation in Costa Rica for a week or two, says Dan, and we should be able to save accordingly. He suggests teens create an automatic income transfer system, so that their money goes into those accounts on it’s own.

But what about investing? Should teens be risking their money in the stock market with the possibility of multiplying their cash? Maybe not, says Dan. Although the stock market can be lucrative, Dan suggests most people, including teens, simply stick some money in an index fund and leave it to collect compound interest, instead of throwing money around into different companies. Unless you’ve got the next Warren Buffet under your roof, Dan recommends teens play it safe when it comes to stocks.

In the Episode…

If you’re looking for some seriously sound financial advice for your family, this is the episode for you! On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

• Why early financial independence is so valuable
• What “house hacking” is and why you should know about it
• How to talk to kids about the cost of college
• Why we should always pay ourselves before our bills.

If you want to find some more wise words from Dan, check out his website, sheeksfreaks.com or email him directly at

Matthew R Kay, author of Not Light, But Fire, shares his vast wealth of knowledge on how to have productive discussions about race. As an educator and speaker, Matthew is well-versed in what to avoid and what to move toward in conversations.

Full show notes

You know you have to discuss race....but you’re not sure where to start. With everything going on in the news and centuries of history to cover, there’s quite a bit to talk about. You might feel like you’re unauthorized or just woefully unprepared. What if you say the wrong thing, or your teen asks a question you don’t know the answer to? With all the uncertainty, it can be tempting to just skip the topic of race altogether.

But if we don’t encourage kids to think critically about racism, they may grow up ignorant to prejudice in their community. They might not be able to identify microaggressions, or might not think about a certain language before they use it. Plus, with all the information floating around on social media these days, kids might just learn about race from unreliable sources when they could be having a productive conversation about it with a trusted parent!

To help us crack the code to race conversations with teens, we’re sitting down with Matthew R. Kay, author of Not Light But Fire: How to Lead Meaningful Race Conversations in the Classroom. Matthew’s one of the founding English teachers at the Science Leadership Academy in Philadelphia, as well as the founder of a Philly slam poetry league! As a teacher, he’s had countless conversations about race in his classroom–leading him to learn what works and what doesn’t.

Matthew and I are discussing how you can create a safe space for kids to open up about intense issues like race. Plus, we’re talking about how you can keep the conversation in check so it doesn’t go off the rails, even when you and your teen have some differences of opinion.

Creating a Space for Talks About Race

When it’s time to get into a tricky topic, it’s pretty easy to declare your home to be a safe space for teens to open up. But talk is cheap! If you really want to make teens feel comfortable being vulnerable, you’ve got to go beyond just your words and provide a safe space with your actions, says Matthew. 

One of the most important steps to creating a comfortable environment is making sure everyone feels listened to. In our interview, Matthew explains how teens often come to him saying they feel like adults just don’t listen! With our endlessly busy lives full of errands, work meetings and carpools, it can be hard to find the time to really listen to what teens have to say. But if we really want teens to feel comfortable sitting down with us to discuss race or other heavy topics, we’ve got to put in the work to let them know we’re really listening, says Matthew.

But what makes a good listener? Matthew and I dive into the art of listening in the episode. Although we might think we are just naturally endowed with our listening skills, there are actually concrete steps we can take to become better at receiving and digesting information. Matthew encourages parents to police their own voice, meaning making sure that in a discussion between you and your kids, you’re not the only one talking! 

In Matthew’s classroom, creating rich relationships between the students is a priority–and one of the ways he ensures that everyone feels comfortable sharing. It’s hard to be vulnerable with somebody you don’t know! That’s why he sets structures in place to make sure kids really get to know each other before they dive into complicated discussions or sensitive topics. As a parent, you might want to practice a similar strategy, he says. By building that relationship beforehand, you can create a safe space and allow teens to feel that they can tell you anything.

In the episode, Matthew and I discuss ways you can make teens feel comfortable when it is time to actually have that serious talk. It can be helpful to ensure that you and your teen are sitting or standing at the same eye level, Matthew explains. This creates an equitable balance of power between the two of you, and prevents your teen from feeling as though you’re passing judgement on them! Matthew also shares why you shouldn’t ask kids to “sit down” before diving into the discussion in the episode.

Once you feel you’ve created the comfortable space teens need, having the conversation is another tricky task entirely! But with some tips from Matthew, you can go into the conversation feeling confident.

Conducting a Race Conversation

It’s easy for things to get heated when talking about race–especially if you and your teen have differences of opinion. But if the two of you can keep the discussion more scholarly and less emotional, Matthew says the two of you can learn from one another. In his classroom, he tries to keep these kinds of talks more research and inquiry based, instead of just having kids blurt out opinions. This helps teens get into more productive and deliberate discussion instead of just throwing around baseless claims.

Matt also really encourages sequential discussion, meaning that every talk you have with your teen builds on the last. This gives teens (and parents) time in between to think critically about these nuanced topics. It allows them to fabricate sophisticated perspectives instead of coming to simple conclusions! Matthew believes that one of the biggest issues with our school system’s approach to education about race is this lack of sequentiality. We throw kids disconnected discussions about Martin Luther King or police brutality, but don’t give them the tools to make a timeline!

When starting up a talk about race, Matthew emphasizes really paying attention to the prompt you choose to spark the discussion. If you ask kids a complex question that requires them to provide examples to prove their point, they’ll be forced to look past black and white answers. Plus, if you can push them to examine the other side’s viewpoint and perspective, you might just find that they’re able to consider the layers of complexity that lay behind issues of race, says Matthew.

This is a helpful technique that helps us avoid the common tendency to shift things into an “I’m right, you’re wrong” argument, Matthew explains. Too often, parents and teens both fall into a pattern of trying to convince the other to believe in their own point, making it into a win or lose situation, when it shouldn’t be! In the episode, Matthew doles out some tips to keep you from falling into this pattern.

In the Episode…

I’m so grateful that I was able to sit down with Matthew today to get some tips on having conversations about race. It’s something so many of us are eager to do, but find ourselves struggling with just how to do it. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

• What “house talk” is and how to use it
• How you can give more meaningful compliments
• Why you shouldn’t rush through conversions about race
• How to get quiet kids to speak up
• Why we should talk about “The Jefferson Dismissal” 

If you enjoyed listening to this episode, there’s more great stuff from Matthew on notlight.com, including articles, information about his book and ways you can contact him directly. Don’t forget to subscribe and we’ll see you next week!

Diane Tavenner, author of Prepared and founder of Summit Public Schools, joins us to shed light on the practical to-dos she has learned from running some of the highest ranked public schools in the United States.

Full show notes

When it comes to our kids’ education, we don’t want to cut corners. We want them to have access to a thorough, fulfilling schooling so that they’ll have a bright future! However, today’s school system often fails to meet our expectations. Teens are shuffled through a long day of sitting in a classroom, doing what they’re told, with almost no personal connection to what they’re learning. No wonder so many of them are falling behind or finding themselves woefully unprepared for college!

Although it may seem like there’s no way to combat this problem, our guest today thinks otherwise. The trick, she believes, is to flip the script and put teens behind the driver’s seat of their own education. If we’re encouraging kids to push themselves forward instead of constantly forcing them to budge, we might actually see them make some real progress! It won’t be easy, but it will be well worth it.

This week, we’re talking with someone who’s putting in work everyday to revolutionize education. Diane Tavenner is the co-founder and CEO of Summit Public Schools, a nationally recognized system of charter schools that has been praised across the board–including being ranked in American News and World Report as some of the best high schools in the United States! She’s here to talk about some key ideas from her book, Prepared: What Kids Need for a Fulfilled Life. 

In the episode, Diane and I are telling you how you can help your teen take charge of their own education, and figure out what they want to do with their life! Plus, we’re shelling out quick and easy mindfulness practices that you and your teen can both practice on an everyday basis to boost motivation.

How Teens Can Drive Their Own Education

When Diane and four other teachers decided to start up a charter school, they first had to draw up some principles that would guide their classrooms. They reflected on their own experiences struggling through the poorly designed public school system as teachers. Together, they realized that one of the most troubling aspects of most schools was the passivity of the student experience! Instead of pushing kids to set goals based on their own interests, schools expected kids to complete worksheets full of rote memorization and take classes they didn’t care about.

Diane, along with Summit’s other founders, decided that their school would emphasize the students’ personal ownership of their education. Instead of teaching compliance, like most public schools, they would teach independence! This didn’t come easy, however. Diane has frequently been challenged by Summit’s students to shift her perspective towards a student-driven model. 

In one case, Diane was confronted with a student who was doing so poorly that he simply wasn’t going to be able to graduate. Frustrated, she and the student’s parents made a list of all the things they could do to help get the student back on track. By the time they were done, however, they realized they hadn’t even consulted the student at all! Because we’re so used to a school system totally controlled by adults, we forget just how integral it is for students to make choices about how they’re learning.

In the episode, we talk about how you can bring this principle into your own home to encourage your teen to be intentional about their learning. But what about beyond school? Diane and I also talk about helping your teen find out what they want to do with their future.

Helping Teens Find Their Purpose

Even if teens are active in their own education, it doesn’t mean they are sure about their direction! It’s hard to pick a path when you’ve barely experienced the world yet...and it doesn’t help that we constantly ask kids what they “want to be when they grow up” from the time they're old enough to talk. Luckily, Diane has some great tips for helping teens narrow down their career journey and find their calling.

Diane calls on parents to help teens find their “ings”. This process involves guiding teens to define the activities that they enjoy, that they’re good at or that make them feel purposeful–like writing, coding, dancing, teaching, etc! When we ask teens to pick a career, we’re often asking them to pigeonhole themselves into something they likely know nothing about, says Diane. Many students go into college or even graduate college with no connection to their degree. Instead, figuring out the things they are driven to do can help them find a meaningful pursuit.

For some teens, this can also include defining the “ings” they don’t resonate with. In the episode, she tells the story of a student who was lucky enough to score his dream coding internship...only to find out he hated coding. Although he initially viewed this as a failure, he eventually came to see how this perceived disappointment acted as a lesson! Instead of trying to fit into a box he didn’t belong in through adult life, he came to realize that coding was not his destiny. He did find that he enjoyed “ings” like collaborating, setting him on a new career path.

By encouraging your teen to do some self reflection, you can help them be more intentional in their own education. It is important to note, however, that setting intentions is one thing but keeping to them is another! In our interview, Diane is sharing some simple practices to make every day life more intentional for both you and your teen.

How Mindfulness Can Boost Motivation

You may have been intrigued by the idea of mindfulness, but can’t commit to hours of meditation or long morning yoga classes. With all the stress of life, it can feel like these relaxing practices are just another thing we have to pencil in after work. However, with the right methods, you and your family can incorporate mindful practices in everyday life. Helping your teens take time out of their day to reflect can be a helpful aide to their education process too, says Diane.

Diane and I talk about a process called “check-in, check-out”. Instead of requiring lots of time and effort and throwing off your daily schedule, this practice simply involves taking five minutes at the beginning of the day and five at the end. In the morning, Diane encourages us to “check-in”: set some intentions for the day, think about how we feel, and set ourselves in the present. At the end of the day, as we’re winding down, she recommends that we “check-out”, or process our feelings about the day, evaluate whether or not we met our intentions, and think about what we are going to do tomorrow!

This basic practice can help us get in touch with ourselves instead of staring at our devices! It also helps us keep our goals in mind, and live our best lives. Diane suggests that parents introduce this concept to teens, and even invite them to share their results with you. Teens often feel like we don’t listen, says Diane, and showing that you care can help the two of you strengthen your connection. Plus, this practice may help them think critically about their education goals, and whether or not they’ve been met!

In the Episode…

I learned so much from Diane this week, and I know you will too! There’s so many great tips for parents in this episode. On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

• Why kids need space to fail
• How to ask better questions than “How...

Dr. Ethan Kross, author of Chatter, briefs us on his research on internal chatter: what it is, why it matters, and how to help your teen harness it before it gets out of control.

Full show notes

There’s a lot to be worried about these days!  Whether you’re feeling anxious about the ongoing pandemic or just concerned that your teen is struggling in school, it’s easy to let distress clutter your mind. When we let that anxiety crawl around in our brain, we often find ourselves distracted from the better moments in life, thinking obsessively about a work meeting when we’re supposed to be spending quality time with our families. 

Interestingly, that voice inside our head–the one that’s always muttering about the past and the future–can be useful, if we know how to harness it. This inner dialogue comes from an evolutionary need to learn from past mistakes to survive the next challenge, and can help us immensely when tackling life’s challenges! If parents can learn to steer this voice in a positive direction, they can help teens do the same. That way, these young adults will know how to handle that tricky inner dialogue before they head off into the real world.

Our guest this week is one of the world’s leading experts on controlling the conscious mind as well as an award-winning professor of psychology and business at the University of Michigan! His name is Ethan Kross, and his new book is called Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why It Matters, and How to Harness It. In our interview, Ethan and I are getting into how and why we talk to ourselves, and what we can do to make the most of our inner voice.

In this week’s interview, we’re discussing the idea of being “present”...and why it doesn’t always help us feel better. Plus, we’re diving into tons of other strategies for harnessing your inner voice that might be the perfect solution to that constant worrying!

What is “Chatter?”

Before we can learn to make the most of our mental chatter, we’ve got to know where it comes from! Ethan explains how this persistent voice in our heads was built in to help us make predictions about the future and learn from the past. For some people, it’s stronger than others, and it serves a different purpose for each of us, says Ethan. It can help us prepare for important speeches at work or a terrifying first date. It boosts our working memory, allowing us to keep phone numbers or passwords in our head. It even helps us define who we are and build a stronger sense of self!

However, if we don’t learn to use it for good, we might end up worrying about the future or ruminating on the past. When we’re trying to watch a movie with our families, we might find ourselves obsessing over tomorrow's work meeting or paying the electricity bill. Or maybe we’re thinking so much about a mistake we made in a past relationship that we’re too scared to enter a new one. With some help from Ethan, however, we’re giving you some tips this week to help keep that chatter under control when you don’t want it running through your head.

Have you ever been told that you should live in the present? This is a common way people tend to grapple with chatter, as it helps them stop worrying about what came before or what will happen next. However, Ethan says this doesn't work for everyone. Some people need that chatter to plan or reflect and, and won’t find being “present” to be very helpful! In the episode, we’re covering plenty of other tools you or your teen can use–and you might just find that one of them works especially well for you or your family!

How Can We Keep Chatter Under Control?

Say your teen is preparing for a big game and is pretty overwhelmed with the voice inside their head. Or maybe they’re really worried about getting into UCLA, to the point where they’re struggling to pay attention to anything else. You want to help them manage their internal voice...but you’re not sure how! Don’t fear–Ethan is here to help you manage your teen’s chatter by giving us a few tips.

The first solution you might think of is encouraging them to vent their feelings. However, Ethan brings up some fascinating research that might surprise you. Several studies have found that when someone is dealing with intense negative feelings, venting them to someone often actually makes them feel worse! If they just share their misery without adopting a strategy to feel better, they’re perspective on the situation will only become more dismal.

Instead, Ethan emphasizes the importance of venting to someone who will help you reframe the situation in a more positive light, or provide solutions to the conflict at hand. Instead of just reinforcing your stress or sadness, this can actually help you move forward! If you’re talking to a teen, Ethan recommends listening and digesting what they have to say, and then asking patiently if they want to receive some advice. Every teen needs a different amount of time to vent before they receive some constructive assistance, but receiving that guidance can be a lot more helpful than just listening!

There are a few other interesting, even counterintuitive ideas about handling chatter that Ethan shares in this episode.

More Tips for Managing Chatter

Have you ever found yourself worried about an upcoming job interview or a court date and suddenly...you just have to clean out your linen closet? Or maybe it’s the fridge that suddenly needs four hours of organization. Ethan explains how when we feel like we don’t have control internally, we try to control our external environment to compensate. Although it may sound avoidant, Ethan says that it can actually be a really helpful way to lighten our mental load.

Similarly, participating in rituals can help you feel more in control. These rituals could be daily, like doing yoga in the mornings, or weekly, like watching a movie with your kids on Saturday nights. By keeping to the structure, the predictability helps keep chatter in line, says Ethan. These periods of time help your mind reset and help you return to chatter with a clearer and more intentional mindset. In our interview, Ethan and I discuss how these rituals exist across every culture in one form or another, helping people stay calm amongst the chatter.

In the episode, Ethan and I also talk about an interesting technique that helps teens get some distance from the voice in their head. If your teen is struggling to emotionally process something that happened in the past and finds their mind overrun with chatter, it can be useful for them to try and separate themselves from it. One way they can do this is examine what happened, but refer to themselves in the third person. Ethan explains this further in the episode! The technique helps teens find a more objective perspective and see a path to a solution that isn’t guided by all the chatter.

During the interview, we go deeper into distancing, even discussing how giving your kid a cape and asking them to assume a role of a superhero can help! And although distance can make things feel a little clearer, Ethan reminds us that we shouldn’t distance ourselves from joyful events! Those happy times with our kids can be some of life’s brightest moments.

In the Episode...

I loved sitting down with Ethan this week to talk about how we can change our internal voice to be more positive–especially when there’s so much to worry about these days! On top of the topics above, we also discuss…

• How to avoid negative thought loops
• Why social media leads to negative ...