Matis Miller, author of The Uncontrollable Child, dishes on how to handle defiant, unruly teens. His practical tips based in DBT all start with one simple step, that’s sometimes harder than it sounds: acceptance!
Full show notes
Falling into a destructive cycle with your teen is far too easy–and incredibly frustrating. You yell at them to stop coming home late every night, or beg them to stop neglecting their homework for their Netflix….but they just don’t listen. Even offering rewards or doling out punishments never seems to work. It can feel like you’re living the same day over and over again, with no end in sight!
On top of feeling like your words are falling on deaf ears, all the fussing and fighting can start to put a strain on you and your teen’s relationship. It’s hard when you feel like you and your kid are enemies, or like the two of you are always bickering instead of connecting with one another. How can we get kids to listen, while also keeping our relationships harmonious?
If we really want to end the cycle and connect to our teens again, we’ll have to change the fundamentals of our approach. Our guest this week is Matis Miller, author of The Uncontrollable Child: Understand and Manage Your Child's Disruptive Moods with Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills. Matis has been working as a clinical psychologist for over fifteen years, and has some groundbreaking ideas about how you can transform your parenting philosophy to bring peace to your home again.
Are you familiar with dialectic behavioral therapy? In this week’s episode, Matis and I are breaking down this fascinating method of clinical therapy, and sharing how you can apply it to tackle your toughest parenting battles. We’re also talking about how judgement and invalidation might be harshing your parenting approach, and discussing how you can dish out more effective rewards and punishments.
The Power of Perspective
Sometimes, fixing even the most challenging parenting problems starts with a small change of perspective. In our interview, Matis tells us all about dialectical behavioral therapy: a clinical approach to changing behavior which starts with a shift in mindset. This method calls upon the parents to stop begging teens to change, and start looking at the causes of teen’s upsetting habits instead. Matis explains that dialectical therapy encourages parents to accept teen’s behavior while also striving for change–even if those two things appear contradictory.
But what does that really mean? First, Matis explains, we need to ditch anger for acceptance. When our teenagers are driving us up the wall, hurling harsh words their way is not going to make things better, he says. Although you want to see change, you first have to accept things for how they are. Matis and I discuss how many parents are in a sort of denial, refusing to acknowledge their teen’s behavior, wanting them to be “perfect” or fit into expectations. The first step, Matis says, is to accept the reality of the situation.
In doing so, Matis explains, we’re able to see the truth in our teen’s perspective, even when it contradicts our own. It doesn’t mean we condone their questionable behavior, but it can help us shift our focus towards the behavior's causes!
Instead of reprimanding our kid over and over again vaping to no avail, a dialectical approach can guide us to see why they keep reaching for that vape, says Matis. Maybe the stress of school is overwhelming, and they need an escape. Perhaps they’re feeling symptoms of depression or anxiety! Once we isolate the cause, we can help them find an alternative, or make an appointment with an expert to learn more. With more concrete, productive steps, we can go beyond the endless nagging and see some real change.
In the episode, Matis and I dive deeper into the value of this dialectic approach. Building on that, we also discuss the ineffectiveness of certain parenting tendencies that have negativity at the center–such as judgement and invalidation.
How Words Can Hurt
When we’re refusing to see our kids' perspective and making endless “should” statements–such as “my teen should be getting better grades” or “she should stop dating so much”–we find ourselves judging teens. We might label them as lazy or as a “bad kid”, as a way of dealing with our disappointment or anger. But when we pass judgement, we fail to see the whole picture. We’re not thinking about the causes or nuances of their behavior, or trying to see their perspective. Instead, we’re shutting them, without giving them a chance at redemption.
Matis suggests trying to analyze and reclaim those judgemental thoughts. Is declaring that your teen is “lazy” going to help him become more productive? Is this judgement going to create a loving, nurturing connection between the two of you? It’s unlikely, says Matis. In the episode, He and I discuss how parents can ditch judgement and instead impart more positivity to really see a change.
In the episode, Matis explains how along with passing judgement, parents often invalidate teen’s feelings or thoughts without really noticing. For some parents, invalidation might even seem like encouragement!
For example, say your teen is struggling with calculus and is telling you about it on the drive home from school one day. You might deliver an offhand quip, saying how it was much harder years ago when you took it, and it’s only going to get harder in college. You might tell them this is the easiest it will get. While you think this is encouraging, it may only make your kid feel worse.
In a situation like this, teens are simply trying to communicate how they feel, and even though you may not realize, you might be shutting them down. In the episode, Matis and I discuss how validating teens’ feelings can actually lead them to become better at regulating their own emotions and help them make a smoother transition into adulthood.
So you’ve worked on changing your perspective and watching what you say to teens...but what about things like rewards and punishments? What role can they play in parenting? In our interview, Matis explains how you can use these tools to help teens be their best selves.
Making the Most of Rewards and Punishments
When your kids knock it out of the park, getting an A on a paper or receiving that long awaited college acceptance, you likely want to give them something to show them how proud you are. But it seems these days the go-to reward is some new video game or gadget….and your kid gets enough screen time as it is!
In our interview, Matis and I get into gifts you can give that are outside of the digital realm. He encourages parents to think about just how many privileges they award to their kids on a regular basis already–and to brainstorm small ways to make them more impactful. Even just giving your kid a ride somewhere or getting them a special treat from the grocery store can be super meaningful, says Matis.
But what about punishments? There are a lot of people who think punitive measures are a totally ineffective way to get teens to listen, but Matis isn’t opposed to them. What Matis is concerned about is parents doling out punishments based on emotions! When you’re angry and ground your kid for two weeks on a whim, your kid isn’t going to learn their lesson...or be very happy with you.
Matis instead stresses the value of setting practical, positive, productive limits. It might bother you that a teen spends ...
