Today I got asked a really interesting question,

Chris, what do I have to do or say to make my ex boyfriend interested in me again? How can I re-create the spark?

Now, when you run a website like this as long as I have you tend to see a lot of questions like this and I feel like I’ve answered it to best of my ability multiple times.

But every time I feel I answer this question to the best of my ability I learn something new that shifts my perspective on it.

As a result, I keep refining my process and over time it becomes better and better. After all, the one constant thing in life is change.

Anyways, today I tackled making an ex interested in you again and I’m really excited to tell you about it.

But first lets talk about Sue who asked me the original question.

In the episode I mentioned that I was going to include a few things.

Chris:

Hey, hey, hey!

What’s up and welcome to another fine episode of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you don’t know, The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast is basically where we take viewers questions and talk about how to improve your situation after a break up whether that’s getting your ex back, if that’s what you want or getting over an ex.

And usually we do a lot of different things on this podcast, sometimes I interview experts, sometimes I take random questions from my listeners and then sometimes I’ll just ramble around. Today we’re going to be hearing from a woman name Sue who has probably one of the most common questions that I get asked on a daily basis. But before we hear from Sue, I first want to give you an opportunity to figure out what kind of chance that you have with your ex.

So, if you’re sitting there, you’re listening to this, you have just gone through a break up, you’re heartbroken and going through that tough time and wondering, “Do I even have a chance with my ex? Is this worth even trying to get him back?””

One of the smartest things that you can do is hop by our website, Ex Boyfriend Recovery and take our Ex recovery chances quiz. It’s a simple little two minute quiz that can give you a general idea on if you even have a chance with your ex or not. Again, really, really easy to do. It takes two minutes.

All you have to go to is our website exboyfriendrecovery.com and it will prompt you to take that quiz right away.

Basically take the quiz in two minutes and it will give you a real accurate estimate of your chances with your ex. So, you can figure out if you’re wasting time with him or her or not. So, ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s hear from Sue.

Sue:

Ok, I’ve never had  a problem getting an ex to be interested in me again but for some reason I’m having a lot of trouble with this one, my most recent ex, whom 02:26  I was together with for four years. I tried talking to him about mutual interests like cars, or sports, just anything I know that we share interest in.

So, I wanted to know if there is anything else that I can do because I don’t seem to be lighting that fire to spark his interest in me again.

Chris:

Thanks for recording that Sue.

If you don’t know Sue is actually really kind of having a very common question that I get asked here every single day which is “How can I get my ex to be interested in a conversation with me? How can we create that spark, that fire, that’s really going to make him excited and kind of set the foundation for falling back in love?”

So, just in case you’re wondering or just for whatever reason you couldn’t hear Sue, I’m going to do a quick recap of her situation. And then what I’d like to do is talk about the number 1 tip that I can tell you to help you understand how you can attract your ex boyfriend and get him engaged into conversations with you.

Yes, it’s my number 1 tip and ironically, it’s the only thing I think I’m going to be talking about today on this podcast episode because it’s that important and it might take a little while to help you understand what I mean by it.

Ok, Sue is kind of an interesting case. She says she’s never had a problem getting an ex back before or getting an ex to become interested in her again but she’s having a problem now with this particular ex and she’s trying to figure out what she can do to hold his interest. That was basically her question.

What can I do to make him interested in me? Now, it’s really interesting, I’ve done multiple videos on Youtube about making your ex interested in you again.

I have done articles on making your ex interested in you again and those articles are really, really great; articles, Youtube videos, everything. In fact if you want to read those articles and if you want to watch those videos, I suggest you pop by our website and come to this particular episode of the podcast and I will link those things up in the show notes and in fact, just so I don’t forget, I’m going to write those down .

So, article interest and video interest. Ok, so I had that written down now and I will ensure that immediately after I record this episode, I’ll type in the show notes so, that I don’t forget to include those things. Now, the interesting thing about when I wrote those articles and when I recorded those videos is that I learn as I go along right?

So, if you’re to take me when I first created  Ex boyfriend recovery back in 2012 and you’re to take that version of me and pit him up against my current version and everything that I know about getting an ex back, the current version would be far superior. I’ve learned so much more just by dealing with clients and seeing many different kind of situation on what works and what doesn’t work.

And so, the articles that I’ve written on making your ex interested in you again or catching his interest or creating that spark, don’t include probably the number 1 factor I’ve learned that matters to an ex when you’re talking to them and it’s interesting, it’ something that I’ve learned with working with people 1 on 1.

I get so much more on working with someone 1 on 1 than I do just answering a simple comment for example, or a simple email because I can actually hear in their voice how much it’s hurting them. I can literally understand more about their situation because guess what, if I have a question, I can ask them right there and then.

Alright so, what is this all being number 1 factor for making your ex interested in you again?

Well, I  want you to repeat the following phrase after me.

“What’s in it for him?”

Yes, that’s right. Human beings, we tend to be very selfish creatures. I often talk about getting an ex to commit to you is based on the interdependence theory. So, the interdependence theory posits that human beings, we base our relationships on a constant benefit scenario. We’re always looking to make sure that the odds are the greatest for us.

That we’re putting ourselves in the best situation possible. Now, obviously, those odds, they’re ever changing. What you felt for your ex or what he felt for you at the beginning of the relationship maybe is no longer the case at the end of the relationship but at the beginning of the relationship he’s always trying to do something where he feels like you’re going to benefit him. So, anytime that you’re talking to him, you need to be asking,

“Well, how does this conversation benefit him? What is he going to get out of this conversation? What is he going to get out of this text message? What is he going to get out of this phone call? What is he going to get out of this date?”

If you can’t come up with a compelling reason, or a compelling thing that he’s going to get out of a date for example or a phone call or  a text message, you’ll find his interest start to waiver. Now, this is really, really interesting when you start pairing it with what you know about your ex.

I’ll give you an example. Let’s pretend that your ex is really into reading science fiction books. So, I am a pretty big science fiction nerd when it comes to books. Le’t s say your ex is just like me and he’s a science fiction nerd. So, you’re taking something that you know interests him, something that you know will benefit him. And let’s say you compose a text and a text is,

“You are not going to believe what I just saw at Barnes and Noble.”

So, he decides to bite.

“Ok, what did you see?”

“I just saw that Pierce Brown-“

Who is a science fiction author who just came out with a book this year, in case you are wondering.

“–is doing a reading and a signing and a q&a session. You totally have to check that out.”

Ok, now do you see why this would be beneficial for him? He’s a huge Pierce Brown fan. He’s a huge science fiction fan and if you’re the one to deliver that information it’s going to spark up a conversation and allow you to get him to be interested in you. Now, what is he getting out of the conversation?

Well, he’s getting information that he didn’t have before. The information interests him and he’s also attaching those feel good things- the sort of misattribution of emotions. You put someone in an environment where they start feeling things, they’re more likely to attach those things onto that thing.

Let’s talk about misattribution of emotions for a minute.  What we have here is a situation where you are composing a text message and telling him that his favorite author is doing a reading and a signing at a local Barnes and Noble that you both frequent.

So, the misattribution of emotions states that if you put someone in an environment where they are bound to feel emotional things whether it be bad or good, they’re going to attach those things on what makes the most logical sense. So, they’ve done studies where they actually put people–it’s a kind of an interesting study in case you didn’t know this.

They had two groups of people. They had a woman stand at the edge of a bridge and the bridge was just basically over like  5000 foot cliffs or something like that–maybe not 5000 feet but you know, 500 ft cliffs or something crazy like that. So, you’d fall to your death if you are going on a rickety bridge if you will.

They had two groups of people and they  had a woman standing at the edge of each bridge. It was the same woman for both bridge. What they did was one bridge was sturdy. There was practically no chance that it was ever going to fall. What they were measuring was to see if the men who crossed the bridge would ask for the girl’s number. They found roughly around like 20% or something like that asked for the girl’s number.

And then they had a second group of people but they had them walk on a rickety, creaky bridge that looked like it could fall at any minute and you’d fall to your death. And so after the men got to the end of the bridge, guess what? It’s like 75 or 80% of them asked for the girl’s number.

They started doing tests like this where they would put people in situations that made them emotional and they found that they often times, they attach those emotions onto the person that they’re with or the person that they’re romantically linked to.

So, what we have here is a situation where you’re telling him something that will make him feel something, make him feel what he feels when he reads those books; excitement, and he can attach those emotions onto you. It’s a very subconscious type of a thing.

If you really want to hammer home the misattribution of emotions and you’re sort of like, “Ok, well I kind of get that and I understand that logically but I don’t feel that that’s true.” Well, take for a minute and consider for a minute when you watch a music video or I think nerdy people call them AMVs, like Game of Thrones show or something and they kind of like partner it with music. The music will make you feel something. Hearing music makes you emotional.

Now, can you imagine watching some sort of music video without the music? You’re not going to attach any emotions to it. You’re just going to be like what the heck is this? But you add music into the equation, all of a sudden you start feeling this things, you start attaching what you’re feeling onto the images that you’re watching. I mean you can even distill this down to movies.

One movie that comes to mind is the movie called Interstellar by Christopher Nolan. Now, this movie is really incredible because it is again a science fiction movie but what’s really incredible to me about it is that throughout the entire movie from start to finish music plays.

There’s never a moment where I don’t think music plays at all. It’s playing throughout the entire movie. Sometimes it’s real loud and exciting type of music and then it kind of goes down and there’s like hardly any music at all but you could just barely something in the background. And I think that’s a conscious decision on Christopher Nolan, the director’s choice, to ensure that you start attaching emotions to this characters and for me–now that movie is very confusing for people who can’t really understand science fiction or time loops or worm holes or really complicated sort of string theory type stuff–which again I don’t understand. I’m not sitting here saying I’m smarter than you. I’m not.

I’m just as normal as the rest –the next guy but what I’m saying is the movie really works for me because of the music. I literally will sometimes work with that music in the background because of the emotions that makes me feel and the excitement and the sort of the epicness of it. All I’m saying is that if you want to interest your ex, make sure you can sort of use this misattribution of emotion and idea and couple it with the what’s in it for him type of mentality.

So, if you’re always thinking what’s in it for him. He has to get something out of this conversation. Then, what is he going to get out of this conversation? He’s going to laugh. And then he’s going to attach those emotions onto you. I mean that’s the idea. That’s the way that this probably should work synergistic-ally.

Does it always work out that way? Is it always as clean as when I go on this podcasts and give this in depth answers? No. It’s not. Sometimes it’s really difficult to get an ex who doesn’t want to cooperate engage with you but I think a lot of times exes who don’t want to cooperate, they feel like they’re not going to get anything out of talking to you. They feel like nothing’s in it for them. So, what you have to do is really create a compelling list that matters to him.

So, if you’re for example I can only–really use myself as a really great example because I know myself better than anyone. So, if you’re trying to think of  a way to text me, there’s certain topics that you should talk about with me. Topics that I’ll always perk up on and become interested in. Reading, any book series I’m reading or you expressing interest in the book series that I’m reading that I’m actually enjoying, I’ll probably tell you about it. Talking to my about business, my business, this Ex boyfriend recovery thing, I do it for a living.

I love doing it for a living. Talking to me about it will get a response. Why? Because something’s in it for me. I get to kind of brag about myself. I get to brag about the business. I get to strategize with the person I’m potentially talking to. I love talking about this stuff. Buffy, the vampire slayer, every one knows I’m a huge nerd for that show. So, if you like one minute geek out and like say, “Oh my god! Remember that episode when Xander got cloned?” I’ll be like, “Oh, yeah! He’s like an actual twin in real life!” I’ll really get into stuff like that but what I’m saying is, I’ll probably only respond to you when I feel like there’s something in it for me. A lot of times also it can be sex.

If you’re talking to your ex boyfriend and he turns sort of, whatever, casual, flirting you’re doing into a more sexual type flirting. Well, it’s because he thinks is in it for him is sex and that’s what he’s hoping to get out of it. Let’s make no qualms if ands or buts about it.

That’s what’s happening. It’s important for you to understand Sue that if you can really come in with this with the mentality of every single time that I contact him, I am going to actually have some sort of causality chain, some cause and effect chain where I can figure out,”Ok, here’s his mindset, here’s what he’s going to get out of it. This is the end result that I’m wanting to have from this conversation. If you can do that at the beginning of every conversation, it’s going to pay dividends like you wouldn’t believe.

Alright. So, that’s going to do it for this episode of The Exboyfriend Recovery podcast. Again, before we end this, I want to tell you, if you’re kind of on the fence about getting your ex back or if you want to know what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back, I highly recommend you stop by our website: exboyfriendrecovery.com and take our ex recovery chance quiz. It’s a super simple, 2 minute little quiz I put together that’s going to give you a really good idea on if you even have a chance with your ex or not.

We based our questions and the things that we’re going to ask you on real results with real people. So, it should give you a really good general idea on if you have a chance to get him/her back or not.

Alright guys, that’s going to do it for this episode of The ex boyfriend recovery podcast. As always it’s a pleasure. I’ll see you next time.