Abi Selby founded Spabreaks.com in 2008, a spa booking service working with more than 700 spa destinations in the UK and a team of 65. Abi’s aim was to make spas accessible to every body as well as spotting the business opportunity of matching customers with vacancies in spas that needed filling.

Abi talks with Steph about realising the opportunity in the spa industry, starting a business shortly after having a baby and trying to find a way of work that works for her family and her business. She describes the impact of Covid, what she loves most about running a business and the biggest challenge.

We have got a brilliant giveaway with Abi and Spabreaks to win a £250 voucher and a DBHF Recovery Hamper of gorgeous products to relax with. Sign up to the DBHF newsletter HERE by 11.59pm on Friday 11th Nov. If you’re already signed up to our newsletter, no need to do anything and you will be automatically entered.

This episode is sponsored by Naturalmat, an organic bed and mattress company who use exclusively natural, organic and sustainable material and make mattresses and bedding for grown ups and babies and kids All handmade in Devon. Use the code DBHF15 for 15% off your first order, valid until 31st Jan. Visit naturalmat.co.uk

• Spabreaks.com
• Spabreaks Instagram 
• Abi’s LinkedIn
• Steph’s LinkedIn
• Steph’s Instagram

Don’t Buy Her Flowers

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Steph speaks with Psychotherapist Zara Arshad about what is really going on for couples after a baby arrives – the common feelings of anger, disappointment, resentment, loneliness, and feeling underappreciated. From her own experience, Steph found it tough and was also surprised to feel this way as no one had really mentioned it prior to having a baby.

Zara specialises in couples and new parents improving communication, and helping people in relationships during what is a tricky time. They discuss the most common issues that couples go to Zara with, a predominant one being anger. Zara explains the core reasons behind that anger and ways couples can voice how they’re feeling in a more productive way (ie not ‘You are useless and I hate you! Apparently that doesn’t work). Zara provides advice on ways couples can prepare before the baby arrives, managing expectations of each other, and how to communicate better.

Look out for updates on Zara’s soon to be available book ‘Stronger together: A couple’s guide to navigating your relationship after baby’

For more chat about relationships on the Don’t Buy Her Flowers Podcast, listen to Steph’s conversations with Matt Fray, Karen Gurney, Laura Danger and Aileen Barratt.

Contact us at [email protected] with any thoughts or feedback.

• Zara’s Instagram 
• Zara’s Website 
• Steph’s The Post Baby Fog blog and When New Mums Get Angry blog
• Steph’s Instagram

Thoughtful gifts at Don’t Buy Her Flowers (including gifts for new parents!)

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Laura Danger AKA That Darn Chat has amassed a massive 350k+ followers on TikTok and an Instagram account growing by thousands every week, creating videos about the mental load, with the strap line ‘Domestic labour is labour’. The reaction she gets shows that Laura’s is a voice people are wanting to hear from, and as one of Steph’s favourite topics, they get into it!

They discuss the wider impact on society of inequality at home, how writing lists isn’t the solution, and ask why women are ok in their own discomfort for everyone else’s comfort.

Steph asks Laura, if we’re asking men to do more, what’s in it for them? Steph and Laura also raise the massive question – if you do raise the mental load as an issue with your partner and they don’t respond in any way except negatively, where does that leave you?

Laura is a facilitator of the Fair Play Method; founded by Eve Rodsky, Fair Play is ‘a time and anxiety saving system that offers couples a completely new way to divvy up their domestic responsibilities’. Steph and Laura discuss how this is a huge change from what society has expected from women, but one that when ignored, is often leaving women resentful and ultimately jeopardising relationships. Laura’s aim it to equip women with the language and understanding to have difficult conversations.

This episode is sponsored by boutique mortgage and insurance broker Hudson Rose. Quote ‘Don’t Buy Flowers’ if you go to Hudson Rose for advice, and they will donate £50 to your local food bank.

• Laura’s Instagram @thatdarnchat

• Laura’s TikTok @thatdarnchat

• The ‘What are you afraid of?’ clip discussed

• Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play

• Eve Rodsky explains ‘Conception, Planning and Execution’ of the Fair Play method on the Motherkind Podcast (9 minute clip)

• Liz Plank ‘For the Love of Men’ 

• Nedra Glover Tawwab ‘Set Boundaries, Find Peace’

• Steph’s Instagram 

• Steph’s business Don’t Buy Her Flowers 

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Aileen Barratt is the woman behind the hugely popular Instagram account Tinder Translators, where she translates the awful bios in dating apps to explain what they really mean. ‘Looking for fun’ means ‘looking for sex’, ‘girls that look after themselves’ means only thin women should apply, and we learn how to spot if a man is, in fact, married.  

After sharing funny (dreadful) dating bios and stories, Steph and Aileen get into what these profiles say about how some men treat women, but also ask why women don’t expect more for themselves. They discuss the impact of growing up in the 90s, when they may have thought they had Girl Power, but realise now that they really just wanted the approval of men.  

They also talk about what happens when women start to realise they are full human beings, with all the emotions, that they deserve to take up space and how that might impact their relationships. 

Thank you to our sponsors Hudson Rose, the boutique mortgage and insurance brokerage who are doing things a bit differently and putting bespoke customer service at the heart of all that they do.

• Aileen’s Instagram Tinder Translator
• Aileen’s Book Tinder Translator: An AZ of Modern Misogyny
• Psychology Today article ‘The Rise of Lonely, Single Men’ by Greg Matos

• Laura Bates book Men Who Hate Women
• How to Recognise Coercive Control

• Steph’s Instagram

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Anna Mathur is a Psychotherapist, mum of three and best-selling author of three books all aimed at helping women manage anxiety, self-esteem and calm after having children.  

With 180k followers on Instagram, Anna’s drive to take therapy out of the therapy room and support more women comes from a trickier experience with her second child, when she couldn’t keep up the façade anymore. She talks about feeling guilt and shame, and invalidating those feelings because she felt she should be good at being a mum.  

Steph and Anna talk about the biggest challenges for new mums, how these feelings can impact your relationship and what happens if you don’t recognise and allow the feelings (hint: it’s not good!). Anna gives advice on managing guilt, talking with your partner and why mothers need to show their children and everyone around them that they matter too.  

This episode is sponsored by The Happy Newspaper, a platform to share positive news and wonderful people and celebrate all that is good in the world. As well as planting a tree for every newspaper sent to a subscriber, under the initiative ‘The Happy News for Schools’ the team send a newspaper to a UK school for every two subscribers. AND they have kindly given a discount on products and subscription for DBHF podcast listeners, details in this episode. The Happy Newspaper is also a very popular option in Don’t Buy Her Flowers gift boxes! 

• Anna’s Instagram
• Anna Mathur website and courses
• Anna’s books Mind Over Mother, Know Your Worth and The Little Book of Calm for New Mums
• Clip of Glennon Doyle mentioned in the episode
• Steph’s Instagram

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Natalie Lee AKA Style Me Sunday talks with Steph about her mission to ‘free’ people from shame when it comes to our bodies, sex and fitting in, and answers some questions from listeners agony-aunt style.  

Natalie has undergone a lot of change in the last five years, on her view of her body and sexuality as well as ending her marriage. Steph and Natalie talk about summer bodies, growing up in the 80s and being taught that sex for women is a performance. She also encourages us to stop feeling guilty if we don’t love our bodies yet, pointing out that everything in society has told us that our value comes from how we look so it’ll take some work to get there. 

Listener questions include how to stop hating your body and avoid passing teach our kids to too, talking to children about masturbation, and how to approach using a vibrator with a partner who isn’t keen. Nat’s straight talking is eye opening and a breath of fresh air!  

This episode is sponsored by The Natural Deodorant Co - a 100% natural, zero plastic deodorant that offers 24 hours of protection from a single application. They have kindly given us a discount for DBHF podcast listeners, details in this episode. It’s also an excellent product available in Don’t Buy Her Flowers packages.

• Natalie’s book Feeling Myself: How I shed my shame to find sexual freedom and you can too

• Natalie’s Instagram

• Dr Karen Gurney’s episode on sex

• Steph’s Instagram

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Steph chats with Sunday Times Bestselling author Sarah Turner AKA The Unmumsy Mum. From launching a blog in 2013 after having her first baby and feeling she’d been missold motherhood, Sarah’s authentic voice has amassed a huge following; currently over 400k on Instagram and over 700K on Facebook. 

Steph and Sarah met on the ‘blogging scene’ back in 2014, and they recall what it was like back then in the world of mummy bloggers, when influencers were but a twinkle. They also talk about end of term madness, strategies for surviving summer holidays, vasectomies, stopping breastfeeding and having rubbish tits, among other things. Including the infamous Mumsnet Penis Beaker thread.  

Huge thanks to Spabreaks.com for sponsoring this episode. For deals including 63% off, 2 for 1 spa days and free treatments visit here and listeners can get a further 10% off with the code SPA10 

• Sarah’s Instagram and The Turner House Project Instagram
• Sarah’s latest book Stepping Up
• The Penis Beaker Mumsnet thread
• Steph’s Instagram

If you’re looking for thoughtful gifts, please have a look at Don’t Buy Her Flowers

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Matt Coyne, AKA Man Vs Baby, has made a career writing and talking about being a dad (after a stint as ‘the worst graphic designer in Yorkshire’ among other things), amassing a huge following across social media.

As a Stay at Home Dad, Matt shares his insight in to men being praised for showing up, with expectations on women so much tougher, and the narrative of dads as either wet or buffoons. Steph and Matt talk about Kate’s handling of Prince Louis at the Jubilee, what happens when your toddler wants to touch a goat’s testicles, and how the role of fatherhood is changing.

Steph also quizzes Matt on why men do strange things at the least appropriate time, sharing some brilliant stories of blokes jetwashing bins and changing electricity supplier when their partner was in labour.

This episode is sponsored by Kokoso Baby, creators of award-winning baby skincare products including an Organic Coconut Oil which we love and is available in Don’t Buy Her Flowers packages and is suitable for even the most sensitive skin.

• Matt’s books Dummy, Man Versus Toddler and The Mum Who Lost Her Sh*t 

• Matt’s TedX talk ‘Be More Toddler’ 

• The Likely Dads podcast

• Matt’s Instagram and Twitter

• Steph’s Instagram

For awesome Father’s Day gifts, have a look at the Don’t Buy Her Flowers Gift Guide 

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As part of the Don’t Buy Her Flowers fatherhood series, Steph speaks with food critic and journalist Jimi Famurewa about the role of men in parenting, how fatherhood has changed and the influence of his matriarchal upbringing.

Jimi talks about the nostalgia of learning Nigerian cooking with his mum over Zoom during lockdown, the bizarre feeling of his career really taking off just as restaurants were closing during the Pandemic, and his role on The Great Cookbook Challenge with Jamie Oliver. Steph also probes him on whether he really eats all the courses when judging Masterchef. 

Preorder Jimi’s Book Settlers: Journeys Through the Food, Faith and Culture of Black African London

Jimi’s Instagram

Steph’s Instagram

For Father’s Day gifts at Don’t Buy Her Flowers, visit the gift guide

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Steph speaks with gay dad, husband and business owner Jonathan Kirkby about surrogacy and fatherhood in the lead up to Father’s Day.  

Jonathan explains the complicated process of surrogacy, discrimination he’s experienced, and what he would like to see change in people's understanding of surrogacy. They also discuss the impact of becoming a dad on Jonathan’s relationship and lifestyle. 

Steph and Jonathan talk about the 50/50 split of parenting with his partner, dad guilt and how the visibility of gay dads is changing. Jonathan finishes with an epic tale of a vomit and diarrhea filled nightmare flight - a right of passage for all parents right? 

Jonathan’s Communication Agency Instinct PR

Jonathan’s Instagram

Steph’s Instagram

For excellent Father’s Day gifts, visit Don’t Buy Her Flowers

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