What makes a marriage work?

What makes a marriage GREAT?

Maybe you are trying to save your marriage, and aren't sure if that even matters.  Maybe you are trying to aim your marriage in a better direction, and aren't sure what that even looks like.  Or maybe you are considering getting married, but aren't sure if you have what it takes.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I'll give you the 5 core ingredients to have a great marriage.  I'll tell you what they are, and how to get them.  Then, if you have special garnishes and additions, great!

Problem is, many people think the extra additions are the core ingredients!  And when that doesn't work, they think they just don't have what it takes.  Turns out, they were just trying to make a recipe with the wrong ingredients.  No wonder it doesn't work out!

After over three decades of focusing on relationships and marriage, the five core ingredients stand out, time after time.  So, let's make clear what they are, how to get them, and how that makes a difference.

RELATED RESOURCES:

Save The Marriage System

Save The Marriage Toolkit

Why Connection Matters

Does Communication Matter?

The email said, “I talked my spouse into going to therapy.” Another one asked, “How do I drag my spouse to therapy?” Oof. The first person was proud of the “convincing.” The second person got my response:

You Don’t!

(Unless, of course, you want to damn the process from the very beginning… and in that case, drag away!)

Marriage therapy tends to be the default response to a marriage crisis (although the stats would not support this as the preferred action). If there is a problem, time to head to therapy! First task: get a spouse there. By pressure, if necessary.

I think there is a (false) belief that if you can just get them there, the therapist will work some magic and convince the spouse to work on the marriage. The therapist won’t/can’t. And your spouse won’t. Fail/fail.

But why?

There are some Therapy Traps that you fall into when you try to drag a spouse into therapy (I cover the Traps in the podcast episode below). And in the process, you actually cause further entrenchment on the part of your spouse that things won’t work out. Yep, it makes things worse.

I explain why in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES

Therapy Problems

Can You Save It Alone?

Can Your Marriage Even Be Saved?

Book:  Beyond the 3 Barriers

Program:  Save The Marriage System

Toolkit:  When You Are Working Alone

Nothing gets your focus and attention like a crisis.  But sometimes, that Crisis Clarity isn't so helpful.

Let's backtrack just a minute.  What is Crisis Clarity?

Just for a moment, let's assume that you have had a sense that something was not right with your marriage.  Maybe you asked about it.  Or perhaps you just hoped for the best -- that things would turn around, settle down, and get on-track.

Then suddenly, the crisis emerges.  You learn about an affair.  Your spouse gives you the "love you, not in love with you" speech.  Your spouse wants to separate.  You get divorce papers.  Or... fill in the blank ____________.

It is no longer a theoretical problem.

It is a full-blown crisis!

And that crisis gets your attention.  Your FULL attention.

That is Crisis Clarity.

Yes, it can be helpful.  And it can also be harmful.

How do you understand and handle Crisis Clarity?  I cover it in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES

The Pause Button Marriage

Why Connection Matters

Having a Plan

No Contact is Crap

Grab the System

Grab The Repair Checklist

I can’t count how many times a couple has come to me for “help with our communication skills.”  Funny thing is, they communicate just fine.

Then why are they stuck in conflict?  Why are they disconnected?  Why does it seem like they aren’t on the same team?

Viewpoints.  About each other and about the situation that caused the conflict.

And because they have decided to prove their viewpoint to their spouse.  That is very dangerous.  Rarely is it successful, but always is it damaging.

There are 2 underlying issues that affect this:  being a WE and being connected.  How strong is your sense of WE, and how connected are you?  When you don’t feel like you are on the same team and/or are feeling disconnected, it is far harder to communicate about the differences in perception.  More than that, you are unlikely to prove your connection to your spouse… especially when disconnected, but almost always.

How do you solve it?

We discuss what to do in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.

RELATED RESOURCES

3 Dimensions of Connection

All About Being A WE

Role of Conflict

Healing Disconnection

Save The Marriage System

Tools for Saving Your Marriage

At the beginning of a coaching session, my clients often tell me what they have been focused on in their marriage crisis.  Almost always, they are focusing on the wrong things.

And in the process, they are not focusing on the right things.

Where we focus is what gets our attention.  Focus on the wrong things, and the wrong things get our attention… our energy… and our investment.

That can head you right toward disaster and further discord.  And when you focus on the wrong things, trying harder does even more damage.

"Rowing harder doesn’t help if the boat is headed in the wrong direction."

Kenichi Ohmae

There are three places people often focus their attention that are not helpful, at best, and can be harmful at worst.  And there are three areas that need your focus, that need your attention.

Focus on the right areas to make progress in your marriage crisis.

RELATED RESOURCES

Why Connection Matters

3 Levels of Connection

Dealing with Infidelity

Save The Marriage System

The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage.  Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage.  She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you).

She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault.  She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship.

NMF

She was skidding down the fastest path to failing in her efforts.  And she didn't see how she had anything to do with it.

NMF

When we talked on the phone, I asked a little bit more about the dynamics of the relationship.  But I noticed she kept shifting back to "he did...," "he didn't...." She could point out his failures and shortcomings.

And then she would return to her question:  Given his actions, how could she save her marriage?

NMF

I had no doubt that she really wanted to save her marriage.  And I had little doubt that she would be unsuccessful.

Because she had fallen in the NMF trap.  Figured it out yet?  The NMF trap is "Not My Fault."

Here is the problem with "Not My Fault":  It leaves you stuck.  It does relieve you of blame or fault.  But it also tends to rob people of responsibility (Response-Ability).

Let's talk about why this trap happens and how to avoid it.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES

Show Up

How You Hide

Choosing To Work

Connection

Being A WE

Save The Marriage System

Save The Marriage Toolkit - Resources

Have you done an online search for info on how to save your marriage?  Were you overwhelmed with the results?? And the crazy amount of different approaches??

How do you sort through them?  How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing?

It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack.

And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good.  And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information.  What are their qualifications?  How do they even approach it?

I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me feel old! — so last century!), before Google even existed.  And to be honest, there weren’t many places to look for stuff.  I remember when Google started.  That same search, “how to save your marriage,” might get a couple hundred results.  Still a lot. But far more manageable.

With all that info, you are likely to feel overwhelm.  Which means that some people will do absolutely nothing, not sure where to start.  Others will try to do absolutely everything… also not sure where to start, but thinking everything is better than nothing.  And others will stumble upon approaches that do more harm than good.  There are two that are particularly prevalent.  And at best, not helpful.

In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I give you 3 criteria to use in judging any information, and I dismantle 2 common (and dangerous) approaches to “saving” your marriage. Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES

Reverse Psychology as an Approach

No Contact is Crap

Why I STILL Believe in Marriage

Why I do this Work

Therapy Problems

Save The Marriage System

Does your brain help or hinder your efforts to save your marriage?

If you are like most people, your brain is actually a barrier in your efforts.  It keeps you stuck in old, unhelpful patterns.  And some of those pre-date even your marriage.

Unfortunately, most people just don't have an "owner's manual" for their brain... and how it is running.  Which is too bad.  We could all use some upgrades and some rewiring.  Which is the good news.  Our brain IS capable of rewiring.  We ARE capable of growing, changing, and evolving.

Which is why I wanted to have John Assaraf on my podcast.  John is a student of neuroscience, which he brings into his work as a coach and trainer.  He is also the author of a number of books.  And he is a darn good communicator about his ideas.

These ideas are what I want you to take away.  They help you to find better ways of being, of thinking, and of relating.  Listen below to my interview with John.

 

RELATED RESOURCES

John’s Website (with free ebook for you)

Innercise (check out the app)

STM Podcast:  4 Fears That Halt Your Efforts

Save The Marriage System

Do you feel like you are stuck in limbo?  That crazy spot where you can’t move forward, but aren’t ending things?  Is it a spouse who has you stuck there?

Well, that was the situation for “J.”  He wrote me because his spouse could not decide on whether to stay or go, work on things or walk away.

He told me he was stuck in Limbo, didn’t know what to do, and didn’t know how to get his spouse to work on the relationship.

What should he do??

I respond to J’s question in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  And it may just be where you find yourself, too.  Not able to move forward, but not ready to walk away.

How do you deal with “Limbo”?  We discuss it.  Listen below.

RELATED RESOURCES:

3 C’s of Saving Your Marriage

3 A’s in Your Control

3 Levels of Connection

Save The Marriage System

Maybe you have heard these lines:

"Love should just happen."

"This is just too much work."

"I'm not feeling it, so it must not be true love."

"I just don't feel the attraction/excitement I used to feel.  Something is wrong."

Have you ever been told something so many times that you begin to doubt yourself?  You begin to believe what the other person (an upset spouse, friends, family, etc.) says -- even if it goes against what you (think you) believe.

Our notions about love are like that.  And unfortunately, those romanticized notions of love are what we grow up on.  We are fed them by movies, books, songs, and culture.

But Authentic Love is different.  It is not devoid of romance.  It is just not based on it.  Romanticized love is based on 4 unsustainable elements.  Authentic Love is based on 4 sustainable elements, and in your control.

"I'm not feeling it" is not a reason to end a marriage.  It is a reason to reconsider the working definition of love.

Don't be sucked in by the view of love in the movies, in the books, in songs, and that others around you might have.  It is dangerous, and misguided.

(No, I am not against romance -- unless it is used as the "litmus test" of a relationship.  Otherwise, it is great!)

Listen to the podcast below.

RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THE PODCAST:

Interview with Bob Grant

The Save The Marriage System