One of the biggest fears I had when starting a family was, how can I create a healthy family when I hadn’t been brought up in one. 

If you have not dealt with the issues you have grown up around there can be residual anger that you let out on your child. Or you can end up overcompensating for the things you have lost in your childhood and smother your child. 

I am so grateful to God for allowing me to work through my issues and be able to pivot when needed, apologize, and be open to learning new techniques.

Be honest with what is swirling around from your childhood.

Don’t be afraid to show love, even if it wasn’t shown to you. You can change the generations by being different. 

Let your kids know you have their back always…no matter what. Life will throw you curves you can even imagine, trust that God will be walking with you through it all.

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

This podcast is on YouTube now! Go watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/@phylismantelli/podcasts

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

How do we NOT get swept into all the dysfunction and drama from our family? 

Do we just “peace out” with toxic family members during this time? What if your family is just difficult at best, but not toxic? Ugh, just thinking about the holidays of my childhood makes me want to sweat right now. 

I recently watched The Bear Season 2 Episode 6: Fishes. And let me tell you, in this particular episode, their mom (played by Jamie Lee Curtis, who I think deserves an Oscar, Emmy, or something for her part.) SHE. NAILED. IT. She is a drunk, crazy depressed, and over the top cooking like a madwoman in the kitchen AND refusing help from any of the adult children INCLUDING her chef son! My girls actually said to me “you may or may not want to watch this one mom, it may bring up some triggers for you!” 

It was hard to watch but it was such a great episode of how some holidays can be, let’s say, untraditional. 

You need to find that sweet spot of enjoying your holiday season while still being around difficult people (namely your relatives!) Here are some questions I would ask yourself: 

1. Is there a parent who plays the martyr in the family? How do you react to that?

2. Is there something you can contribute to help ease the stress off the person hosting?

3. Can you be free to take a walk if things get too heavy, so you can deep breathe and talk to yourself to calm yourself down?

4. Can you be the change that can start new traditions either with your original family or with your new family (meaning husband, children etc.) 

Remember that playing the victim is never an option. Either speak it out or get out and start something new! Try to check in with trusted friends also and try to do something with them in between the big holiday moments. 

Remember it’s a time of giving and joy, don’t let anyone take that away from you!

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

This podcast is on YouTube now! Go watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/@phylismantelli/podcasts

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

When I became a mother, my heart exploded with love and I was so confused as to how my mother could be so cold to us kids.

When you become a mom, it becomes so much more noticeable how much you were Unmothered! How do we learn to do the things of which we were not taught? 

I couldn’t imagine not pouring out my very best to this beautiful baby. Now that being said, did that baby sometimes drive me crazy with her incessant crying and no-sleep days? Of course.

But my love for her outweighed all the rest. 

Let’s explore some of the emotions we may feel as we enter into motherhood through a different lens of an Unmothered.

I’ll leave you with some tips that I think would be beneficial: 

• Seek therapy.
• Surround yourself with a tribe of other moms, and help each other out!
• Get good sleep
• Write out the things you wished you had gotten from your own mom.

I will never know why my mom decided to check out of motherhood. I only have my memories and suspicions of her mental health not being at its best. You don’t have to repeat these same patterns in your family.

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

This podcast is on YouTube now! Go watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/@phylismantelli/podcasts

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

When you lose a family member most people think you are supposed to be sad, but what happens when that person was hard to love? How can you maneuver through that grief and what kind of feelings do arise? 

When I  was scrolling through Instagram, one of my favorite trauma recovery coaches Nate Postlewait ( https://www.instagram.com/nate_postlethwait ) was talking about this subject. It struck me so hard, that all of our journeys are so complex.

One of the things that really stuck out to me that Nate posted was, “People don’t get the complexity of a family member passing away who caused great pain. There can be grief for what NEVER was, and sadness because of the finality. Please don’t assume you know how someone is processing this type of loss. Assume they need compassion.”

Also, have some kindness and compassion when someone tells you they have to walk away from an abusive family member. It is such a struggle of the heart, and also as Christians, they want everyone to bypass the pain and get to the healing. We may have gotten to the healing, but if the parent hasn’t, it can create an even deeper hold of dysfunction if we stay out of false obligation. Some of us can never share our stories for fear of others in the family coming after us. When the parent passes, it may be easier for us to share, but it is tangled with the “what ifs” of how it could have been different if only they had tried.

I have talked to a few women lately who are in the “in-between” place, where their mothers are dying but they don’t have a relationship with her. I don’t have a fast easy answer for this. We walk through each situation differently.

I will leave this last remark from Nate: “Let’s say less of “you're so strong” and more of “that looks heavy. Let me help you carry it.” 

Find people that can help you carry the load. Not to fix, but to hold. It will mean so much to us. 

Some resources that may be helpful if you are going through this time is Freedom Movement, a trauma-informed biblical coaching program:

Here is their IG: https://www.instagram.com/freedom_movement

Here is the cohort: https://freedom-movement.mykajabi.com/cohort

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

This podcast is on YouTube now! Go watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/@phylismantelli/podcasts

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

Being a caregiver can be an amazing thing, but don’t forget to take care of yourself. 

I recently watched a short segment on how Bruce Willis’s wife, Emma was taking a break from being a caregiver. As she held back tears, she explained, (although she shouldn’t have to) that even though she is out and about with a smile on her face and it seems she is having fun, she is tired and highly stressed and takes these breaks for her own mental wellbeing. 

It reminded me of when I was juggling taking care of my own mom even before I knew she had dementia and raising my own daughters. 

During the episode, I discuss dementia and some statistics about the disease.

All this to be said, being a caregiver is probably the hardest “job” and I say that loosely that you will ever take on. 

What are some ways you can take care of yourself while taking care of others?

For help or resources for caregivers contact the “Alzheimer's Association” or “Alzheimer’s Disease and Healthy Aging.”

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

This podcast is on YouTube now! Go watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/@phylismantelli/podcasts

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

Let’s dig into a deeper conversation about some signs and qualities that I’ve started to notice about people with narcissistic tendencies. A big question we must ask is, where it comes from (possibly) and what are some signs of things you yourself may be suffering from being around or living with a person who is narcissistic.

Upon my reading and studying, I’ve come across a few signs that show your mother might be narcissistic. 

• Explosive or extreme anger
• Compulsive or inhibited sexuality
• Extreme shame, guilt, or self-blame (which is a tactic to make you feel sorry for them)
• Sense of difference from others; i.e.; specialness, or feeling like no one else can understand them)

We learn to survive at the expense of sacrificing our own needs. We become people who attempt to help control the environment, this is something I know well. And it is a job that is not yours to hold.

The list goes on and on, but the one thing you have to remember is you may become disassociated with who you naturally are. You are taking on so many different personas it’s hard to know your own opinions or desires in life. 

So what to do with all this information?

Having a strong faith will for me, always be the number one thing towards wholeness. It gives me purpose and meaning and most of all hope in life. I know that God has wasted nothing through my journey and to be able to move forward towards my goal of being a healthy person with God at the helm is comforting for me. He can give me strength and peace that humans can’t always give me. 

Taking the time to move through our past with therapy or someone safe to walk with you towards a more honest future. The things that have been done to you are not your fault, and it was hard, but you don’t have to stay there. Take your time to find a trustworthy person to partner with you.

Here is an affiliate link to the book I mentioned:

Understanding and Loving a Person with Depression: Biblical and Practical Wisdom to Build Empathy, Preserve Boundaries, and Show Compassion by Stephen Arterburn (Author), Brenda Hunter (Author): https://bit.ly/465Bgf6

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

This podcast is on YouTube now! Go watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/@phylismantelli/podcasts

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

Can you help someone out of their past, if the root of the problem still remains? 

I was listening to the news recently and heard the story about Michael Oher and his fight with the Tuohy family. It reminded me of how bringing someone into a healthy family can be an amazing thing, but if they don’t do the deep work, the problems will still remain. As a disclaimer, this is only my opinion, and I will be talking in generalizations, not specifically on this case, as I don’t have any inside info. 

Can you take a boy(or girl) that you see needs help and change their life with your faith, love, and family values? We have tried to do this. When my daughter was younger we took in her friend who needed all those things, however, the ending was different. 

You have to name the harm and go deeper with your story to clear out any more pain. The pain won’t completely go away, but you will know how to handle it, or will not carry any bitter root from it.

Figure out your past story. If you have grown up with highly traumatic or dysfunctional parents, please seek professional help and let this be an ongoing conversation until you feel the new growth possible!

The feelings wheel mentioned can be purchased here: https://bit.ly/47T4Nuu

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

This podcast is on YouTube now! Go watch this episode: https://www.youtube.com/@phylismantelli/podcasts

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

Most women don’t even acknowledge that their mom is a narcissist or may be toxic. 

In order to start your healing journey, you have to NAME the pain that has been done to you in your childhood. 

And I want to note, I’m not giving out professional advice! Apart from being a certified coach, I am not a doctor or therapist, so please take this as my personal opinion and as my own personal experience in this matter.

However, I have studied ways to recognize if your mom may be a narcissist:

• She has to have everything perfect and nothing is ever her fault. 
• They will find fault in you over and over though.
• They don’t live in reality. They live in “their” world as they know it. 
• They always minimize the experience. 

Many times we make excuses for our moms because it is too painful to admit they are flawed, or we feel like a bad daughter if we say something derogatory. This doesn’t help the situation and it won’t make it different by you ignoring it.

The definition of madness is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result. Your mom is who she is, and you need to find out who you are and what you need and desire in this relationship. 

There is no reasoning with them, so just remember to not play along with their games.

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

There is a difference between helping with love, versus being the person who is allowing the continuation of dysfunction to happen by enabling. 

I recently watched a movie called ‘To Leslie’ that was an unexpected success in my book, Andrea Riseborough played Leslie and knocked it out of the park as an alcoholic mom. The reason I say this is because as an adult child of an alcoholic, I could relate! This story hit so close to home and was an accurate depiction of how many times I would try to help my mom but it became enabling. 

I learned that healthy boundaries may seem harsh, but are necessary for the health of your personal well-being and your family's. 

You should never feel guilty for setting boundaries with a parent who is unstable and damaged in their thinking and posture. Giving them help does NOT help in the long run. When their actions show that they are changing, then you may pop in to see if they really want to get healthy. Change takes time, and it may never happen, wait and see.

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.

When is it okay to talk about the hard things in your story? Do you feel as if you are allowed? 

To be able to name the things of harm in your story is not only important, it’s necessary for your healing. For far too long the generations of the past have demanded that we “shut up and move on” or tell us “it wasn’t that bad”. 

We are told we are being babies and complaining about things we shouldn’t talk about. This is the very reason why most Christians cannot get out of their own way to let God walk them through the grieving before we can get to the healing! We cannot bypass this important piece. You can then learn forgiveness when you clear the path completely and honestly. 

Some questions we cover in the episode are: 

• When is it alright for someone to speak for you?
• Do you feel guilt over talking about your past, because it’s over and now you are happy?
• Can you love your Mom if you name the harm?
• Is forgiveness possible?

Forgiveness and love are always possible and necessary; mostly for you and your future. God intended it that way. It’s the peace that surpasses all understanding. On our own, we can’t do it, with Him all things are possible.

Looking to connect with other UnMothered’s? Join the PRIVATE Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheUnmotheredCommunity

Purchase a signed copy of my book: https://www.phylismantelli.com/shop/p/unmothered

The UnMothered Podcast IG: https://www.instagram.com/theunmotheredpodcast/

Phylis Mantelli’s IG: https://www.instagram.com/phylismantelli/

*Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist or counselor.