They Call Him International

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

The word ‘cunt’; Mike the Mic’s sordid sex life (is there a microphone he hasn’t dated?); The vice-like grip that the Inner Critic has on his family jewelry

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Portrays Mr Fucking Coffee recounting his success copulating with Mrs Fucking Coffee who hasn’t put-out for the past decade (due to him being a total prick); Is relegated to just ‘sit there and look pretty’ after Mike the Mic hijacks the show and declares International marginally talented (at best); Falls down the rabbit hole of his own creativity only to discover his connection with the show’s made-up characters is a microcosmic representation of the Divine’s relationship to humanity - ultimately moving himself and all of his characters to tears

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Mike the Mic’s perverse predilection for being tied up and whipped with his own mic cord; Slave-wife’s many esteem-building duties around the house, like gluing International’s chair back together and servicing his carnal delights; His ability to tango completely alone, despite the presumptuous idiom that claims it takes two - but he cautions listeners against trying it at home for obvious liability reasons (and, frankly, they’re just not as impressive as he is)

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Celebrates his relationship with Slave-wife by imagining them as Beauty and the Beast, then freaks out about incessantly-yapping housewares and home furnishings, which causes him to jettison the fantasy entirely; Proudly recollects his hard-hitting scabies interview from yesterday and decides to remain true to his promise of no interviews on the podcast ever, except for the already-scheduled sit-downs with a ringworm and a team of genital crabs (mark your calendars)

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Keeping Slave-wife shackled in order to prevent her from revealing all his dirty secrets; His software sagas - using the Barrier app to blockade a frisky flash from Slave-wife; Mapping the terrain of America’s unrealized destiny; Installing Steam on Shadow for his li’l gamer (confused? maybe your with-it gene is mutated); Helpless blobs of flabby flesh with big fat heads (aka human infants)

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Breaks up a conflict between Mike the Mic and Mr. Fucking Coffee that turns into a heated skirmish - far hotter than the lame-ass Coaster Toaster that fraudulent brand-mascot is peddling; Explains how to beat the unbeatable real-life simulation we’re in (hint: realize you can never win); Questions Jack his imaginary sex-addicted producer’s abstinance upon hearing he’s receiving sponsor-approved, anonymous oral sex at the airport

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Modern hero mystics being trained to manifest miracles and occupy the unknown; The ultimate algorithm that even the techiest nerds don’t know about; How to achieve the best high there is without drugs and ditch the speedball; Missing out on hot Summer-of-Love action due to the untimely inconvenience of being 7 years old; The one characteristic that distinguishes his podcast most - it doesn’t have a midget in a wheelbarrow; An absurd euphemism for getting turd-in-trouser wasted (anybody wanna party?)

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Delivers unprecedented podcasting genius when he devotes several riveting minutes to mouse clicking, burping, and silently troubleshooting software; Talks shit with Mike the Mic and the Oracle and realizes they’re both dimensionalized parts of himself, which leads to a profound experience of the bigger picture and humanity as a whole; Swears after recording there’s no way he’s publishing this episode, it’s waaayyyy too intimate; Reconsiders publishing it anyway and does - giving the Inner Critic a big, Bronx cheer

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Santa Claus screwing his elves due to Mrs. Claus denying him sex for the last 600 years; Hating ridiculous guided meditations where you’re on a boat with a pillow full of cookies; How humans are learning that thought is more substantive than matter; His life forever being altered as he was led astray then crushed by Madonna and her pointy tits; The power of transformation that’s possible when working at the level of perspective; Knocking up Slave-wife and enduring the arduous torture of attending birth classes to support her

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Accuses Core Chat of being drunk, due to his inability to make sense of their chat messages; Deftly explains the difference between paradigm shift and inversion; Explains how beliefs are healed by throwing rocks at people; Invites you to join him in an indulgent podcast ‘activity,’ then taunts everybody who doesn’t participate

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

His coffee magically sucking a little less, even though he did nothing to fix it (who says miracles aren’t real?); Earth’s bad galactic reputation - we’re the canker sore of the Milky Way; The latest rage on Planet Earth - demonic possession (everybody’s doing it); The soul’s great disappearing act at the end of its journey; America’s fate and immolating birds - more in common than you think; The forces of illusion’s new plan to eradicate free will and humanity entirely (what could possibly go wrong?)

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Stops avoiding and finally gets to some profoundly epic spiritual concepts (it’s worth the tedious wait); Has a debate with Mother Mary after her miraculous appearance in his coffee; Receives a stern warning from Mike the Mic to take Boone Ryder’s pursuit of Slave-wife more seriously or suffer the consequences; Compares Americans to a bunch of trust fund kids who are squandering a liberty they didn’t have to earn; Points out the things Jesus didn’t tell us to do - which, of course, we did; Lives up to the podcast opening and delivers multiple blunts of truth, resulting in some serious mind-blowage

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Recovering from the hardship of being Mr. (Cranky) Mom while Slave-wife was out of town; His triumph running a crackerjack kitchen with a staff of two (aged 8 and 14, to be precise - and they call him dad); Human beings festering in a toxic soup of dysfunction; How Snopes’ cat is the true mastermind behind the fact-checking operation and secretly resents its owner for not “fact checking” the ingredients on the Dollar Store pet food she buys (don’t fact check that); Changing the podcast’s title to ‘Back Off Bitches’ to assert his freedom from Core Chat; New York state outlawing body armor in order to make its citizens ‘more shootable’; The joys of parenting, like repeating yourself way too many times because kids insist on playing with Christmas toys in January instead of brushing their goddamn teeth; What happens in front of the smart doorbell doesn’t stay in front of the smart doorbell (hint: the cops have the footage, and they’re not hitting delete anytime soon); The challenge of tribulating in present day end times; We, the people, being born again

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Temporarily loses control of the show when Mike the Mic and the Oracle overcome their differences in order to unite against him and challenge his authority; Stuns his audience with his award-worthy reenactment of a resentful (and exhausted) Moses, who bitches about too many commandments and why can’t they be on one tablet; Deploys a lollipop metaphor to explain how much the Old World sucks; Transforms REM’s “Losing My Religion” into a stirring power-ballad sung to his true love, coffee; Grants Slave-wife an extraordinary 90 minutes of shackle-free time for saying she loves him in Core Chat; Explains important spiritual concepts by comparing them to a sperm bank, which is really just an excuse for him to say the word, “pussy”

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Rolling out the shackles and bread-and-water-diet yet again, thanks to Slave-wife’s persistent rebellion; His deep and longing desire for sanity amidst the world’s crescendoing cacophony of craziness; Using The Power of Now spiritual superstar Eckhart Drolle’s talks as an alternative to prescription sleeping aids, with far fewer side-effects; The dreaded moment his girlfriends whip out ‘The List,’ which inevitably chronicles everything he ever did wrong in a relationship, except deciding to date her psycho ass in the first place; Ménagerie à trois - what happens on the prairie stays on the prairie; How riotously funny TechnoTard and ‘Merica FY both are, and Da Bomb, well… she’s a really nice person; The respect and creative cooperation it takes to produce uncompromising show notes that consistently overcome insurmountable obstacles, such as ‘Merica FY’s pedestrian talent that adds nothing to the process

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Feels stingy and, in a fit of delusional magnanimity, threatens to end the boundless giving that he offers so tirelessly in his mind; Does a dramatically-nuanced and creatively-sophisticated rendering of a dog gulping down its food like a wild animal; Tests the limits of his patience when Mike the Mic, his gay microphone, gives anal-retentive advice on how to position his articulating arm to make him look dashing; Gets pissed at Jesus for selfishly taking too many days to be crucified and resurrected; Explores the boundaries of artistic genius by allowing his character creations to create characters on their own (so meta, brah); Enacts a gripping scene in which a young, spiritually-minded Tommy learns the hard way that spiritual books aren’t enough to protect you from acting like a mother-abusing a-hole at dinner; Gets unsolicited romance advice from Boone Ryder who attempts, through song, to put a spell on Slave-wife’s vagina

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Skipping around the bedroom in his underwear before the show (don’t ask); How to hand craft ball-busting dominatrix boots from leather that’s lying around (and you thought crafty was for wussies); What happens on June 7th every three years (it’s the day the Oracle doesn’t hate Mike the Mic); Albert Einstein using his dying breath to praise International’s life-altering contribution to the “something equals something something” formula (turns out E=MC² is mere child’s play by comparison); The latest addition to grocery store shelves - sweat sock-flavored party dip (sure to be a hit at your next SuperBowl shindig); The length of time a person is able to spend contemplating the ultimate reality they don’t even exist (answer - fucking short); How Americans are U-Hauling their asses out of liberal strongholds; Weak feminine energy - radical double standards, fighting for the last word, and generally sneaky behavior; America dying so a new one can rise from the ashes

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Gets lured into an inescapable vortex of sexual innuendo and microphone intrigue by the charming, but highly-possessive, Mike the Mic; Butchers Alanis Morisette’s lyrics and cautiously hopes a new break up album is imminent; Sympathizes with Slave-wife for being married to him, but concludes it can’t possibly be worse than marrying her; Enacts a gripping scene where a feckless on-line shopper dies tragically from a deadly case of ‘easy,’ thanks to Amazon’s one-click shopping cart setting

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***