They Call Him International

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Nothing that doesn’t mean something; Being punished by a sadistic dental assistant with her bitch-furnace fully stoked; Mr. Coffee’s tea-bagging vengeance; The magic to his method and the method to his magic; Pre-show foreplay with the Core; Da Bomb, formerly known as Who? (somebody got a new nickname!); Being lured into a cheesy, seventies disco dance by demonic forces; Mary Magdalene, whore or sex-magic priestess - you decide; Identifying the real antagonist to master one’s destiny

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Is convinced he’s not funny anymore, which is funny; Discovers the ultimate formula for podcast genius - cough, sip, wipe, repeat; Gets the silent treatment from Mike the Mic after talking into a rival microphone; Trades insults with Mr. F-ing Coffee while attempting to troubleshoot the Toaster Coaster, Coaster Toaster; Recreates an imagined scene from antiquity, where twisted priests give the Bible a hysterectomy; Overreacts to TechnoTard suggesting his character sounds like Dracula and sets a new medical standard for artistic sensitivity; Asserts that Jesus had sex and then portrays an offended, up-tight listener who probably has too many cats

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Gay neighbors Larry and Shea’s full-package penis collection; Whether it’s legal to set a cup of tea on his Mr. Coffee Toaster Coaster, Coaster Toaster; How his head is like a nightmare girlfriend that he can’t break up with; Humanity’s yummiest addiction; The tremendous importance of human connection; Bad listeners upon whom his comedic genius is wasted; Licking letters and the lost art of envelop-a-lingus; His first-hand experience living as a vagina-loving gay man; Mothers who lie to their ugly daughters about being pretty

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Makes half-baked jokes because he lacks the energy to finish them; Ends his 80% bodily functions gimmick, then instantly regrets killing his best bit ever; Declares that content is not king and crowns the new king (tune in to find out what that is); Enacts a charming scene of pre-sex consentual interplay that sadly results in blue-balls and hurt feelings; Gets a visit from a world-famous mega-mascot that you know - this is big; Wonders about the sexual preferences of his recording equipment; Revokes ‘Merica FY’s gold merit star for making a terribly unfunny joke

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Mr. Clean’s tragic degeneration into filth and pooping his pants in a nursing home; Annoying people who don’t tell you things and then want you to guess over and over, even though they know you’ll never get it; The sheer mastery of making absolutely nothing irresistibly fascinating; Repeatedly scalding himself on his Coaster Toaster (or is it Toaster Coaster?); Reminding Slave-wife she’s a slave when she gets uppity and forgets; The choicest cut of rat meat - for connoisseurs with a distinguished palette; TechnoTard selfishly missing the show because she felt sick; Mexican punctuation - an inspiration for the whimsical; Sinead O’Connor’s homeless shelter concert series and the grand fecal finale

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Complains about feeling trapped in his 80% bodily functions gimmick, yet compulsively continues to milk that joke’s dry teat; Transports his listeners to a parallel dimension where he’s actually happy (and everyone else is miserable); Talks to Boone Ryder who, quite annoyingly, won’t stop lusting after Slave-wife (what’s new?); Exposes the hypocrisy of world-famous mega-mascot Mr. Coffee; Gets taunted by a washed-up rock star who calls him out - and she’s right; Is forced to put all characters on silent mode when they get raucously out of control; Revels in the creative freedom of knowing this episode will never see the light of day; Gets a visit from his Inner Critic and decides to post the episode just to show the pompous nay-sayer who’s boss

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Breaking up with gender-fluid sparkling water for his true love - a Divine liquid from the Gods; Wishing he could de-windbag his middle-aged paunch; The most exclusive form of inclusivity; Getting busy doing nothing; Working with Slave-wife to cut back on the thousands of New Year’s resolutions he usually makes, successfully whittling them down to a manageable 732;

The many ways he and cockroaches are sympatico; The sticky situation that was this morning’s total disaster; How his continued divergence from the show’s OPD (Original Podcast Description) keeps the Podcast Board on his ass like a pimple

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Gets listeners across the country fired by playing audio that’s NSFP (Not Suitable For Podcasts); Rocks the world of politics by proposing liberals should be less progressive and more Progresso - opening the door for Minestrone to unite humanity; Helps Olivia, the amnesiac Canadian, to recall the most important details of her life, such as having genitals; Falls woefully short of his 80% bodily-functions quotient, much to your disappointment; Tragically ruins his own story about free-diving for conch salad; Devotes several thrilling minutes to closing browser windows; Outsmarts the CAPTCHA gods and is granted access to a website he doesn’t even want to visit

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

The cinematic history of grapefruit; Demonic gutter water - his favorite morning drink; Resolving to make no resolutions; An unhinged journalist’s Twitter meltdown that irrefutably proves human beings can’t stop attacking each other; Essential “Poof” training - the latest disaster drill that isn’t sweeping the nation (duck-and-cover fan? you’ll love this one!); The inalienable right of garden hoses to identify as male lesbians; The time Rodney King convinced International's fingers to get along and - unlike humanity - they actually did (big win!); Husbands who act like helpless infants (now that’s sexy! unfortunately, Slave-wife doesn’t agree); Understanding the key differences between ticking a box and dicking one (priceless information if you’re filling out a form, or if you’re Jack - his imaginary producer - whose wife is cheating on him with another man (hint: this time it’s not ‘ticked’)

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Has an other-worldly gift bestowed upon him by a quasi-legitimate deity who is a big fan of James Cagney; Wonders how sandwiches are made and where mayo comes from (if you’ve previously found International’s pointless meanderings insufferable, get ready to have your mind changed - next time, that is, because this one’s even more insufferable than the rest); Recounts the joys of relating to Slave-wife while in outer space; Threatens to fire his overpriced, imaginary therapist and outsource to Fivver; Confronts the world-famous Mr. Coffee about the brand-mascot’s presumptuous attitude, then suffers the assault of his noxious coffee-breath; Promises to keep his promise to devote 80% this podcast to his bodily functions, then doesn’t; Praises recording artist Nick Lowe’s songs and how his big-box stores are “Improving Home Improvement”

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Lots of amazing stuff that you would probably be able to read about here if somebody was doing their job with the show notes

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Does many incredibly awesome things that you could also read about here if that same person was doing their job instead of making lame excuses like taking time off for Christmas and visiting family (this will definitely be discussed on the next show, and it won't be pretty);

***AND SO MUCH MORE -- THAT YOU WON'T READ ABOUT HERE -- IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Post-Its and his booger museum; Running into ex-girlfriends who’ve lost their mind and questioning his own sanity for ever having copulating with them; Cheesy pop songs promising castles in the sky that nobody actually really wants; The colossal entertainment value contained in the mere sound of him typing on his keyboard; Old men with hairy ears and bushy eyebrows; Being so gender fluid that you turn into a puddle; Core Chat as spiritual fluffers, and their duty of getting the consciousness fully erect for the show; The harrowing task of training concubines in barns (and then marrying them); Falling far short AGAIN of his promise to devote 80% of the show to his bodily functions, despite bullying ‘Merica Fuck Yeah into counting a wimpy-ass belch that can barely be heard

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Maintains there’s a magic to his madness; Gets caught in a love triangle with a mug of overly-confident coffee and a wholesome cup of unassuming tea (it doesn’t go well - what love triangles do?); Spontaneously comes up with a case number for the Notice of Non-Adherence levied against him by The Podcast Board (tune in to witness the sheer, in-the-moment genius); Insists milk-fat globs taste like tires, even though he has no idea what tires actually taste like; Deeply moves his audience by revealing intimate details about the powerful feelings he has for his reading glasses (be sure to listen with tissues nearby); Gets into an argument with Shakespeare, who turns out to be a jerk, but not a bigger jerk than International, who insists Shakespeare wrote plays about smelly turds, which he didn’t; Searches his spam folder for the woke memo that informed the entire planet it’s not okay to be funny anymore (apparently, he missed it)

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Being too lazy to lean when he needs to fart; Not liking how the podcast’s cowboy announcer is trying to get into his wife’s pants; God’s nickname for Jesus and His plans for the second-coming sequel (spoiler alert: it’s bigger, badder, bolder); Not remembering anniversaries with his wife - it’s hard, they have so many (how is that possible? listen, or you’ll never know); Saving the world with a pointless podcast about nothing - as in, this one (that’s some badass wizard shit); How human beings resist, avoid and procrastinate - himself included (for once he’s not self-delusional); His deep, abiding love for all things instant (especially coffee); Being a cosmic engineer; Cowboys so rich they’ve got diamonds on their diamonds

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Regrets birthing so many illegitimate, unplanned podcast character children; Gets a feisty wake up call from Mike the Mic, who is unusually punishing and possessive, then makes outlandish claims about being indispensable (it’s a little desperate and pathetic); Completely forgets that he’s drinking coffee and searches for the non-existent square paper attached to the non-existent tea bag and - worst of all - annoyingly spends way too much time doing it; Attempts to fulfill a promise to his fans of devoting 80% of the podcast to his bodily functions - he falls short of the mark, despite a whole bunch of audible coffee-slurping and a slew of rafter-shaking belches (sorry, International, there’s always next time); Chats with Jesus, who is a big fan of the podcast, and he gets the Lord & Savior to leave a testimonial for the show (big win); Reads a punitive missive from The Podcast Board, who is none-too-happy that he isn’t following his OPD - most certainly there’ll be more on this in shows to come

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

What Slave-Wife wants him to talk about - namely how amazing she is - and he complies (who’s the slave now?); His oldest son’s favorite way to torture Dad when he was little (hint: how many times can an adult watch The Sandlot without jumping out a window?); The very natural hankering to unwind with rot-gut, gambling, and call girls after a long cattle haul; Accidentally aspirating something he was supposed to swallow - when pressed, he refuses to say what it was and spends the rest of the show coughing it up; Choice obscenities from a foul-mouthed grandma; The time Jack, his imaginary sex-addicted producer, showed up naked for breakfast; Acknowledges that he’s not sticking to his podcast’s show description - not even a little - and then drops a bombshell that The Podcast Board is on to his non-adherence; One movie that no kids hate - and if they do, they should be punished severely (see above, re: adults jumping out of windows); Reveals the secret behind why his podcast is pointless and sucky - it’s the frumpy Clark Kent suit that hides the superhero work going on behind the scenes

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Succumbs to fan pressure and promises to dedicate a full 80% of the show to his bodily functions as a way to give back to his dedicated listeners; Mentions men who identify as feminists and doesn’t say anything else about them after that (thankfully); Transforms into an annoying kid repeating a single word over and over, and then does it for a really, really, really, really, really, really long time - all to help kidless adults experience the sheer mind-numbing torment of being a parent (now that’s service!); Gets Slave-Wife’s help to name the cowboy in the podcast’s intro - she cheats, consulting the Oracle, and surprises International who didn’t think she was that creative (it’s obvious they’ll be fighting later); Does a spot-on impression of God meeting with his engineers to design how the human body will function (listener advisory - God uses the word “cock”)

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***

***IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL TALKS ABOUT...***

Stringent rules for a Covid Christmas In Belgium (the Grinch would be proud); His gay gene forcing him to sing show tunes; Contracting the grapefruit diet disease from running up and down stairs in a plastic suit; Birds taunting him after staying up all night “partying” (him, not the birds); A woke, activist Santa traumatizing kids at the mall and being a first-rate douche-in-a-suit; That time when the debauched romantic couple Bud & Cheryl - young International’s first boss-duo - corrupted him on the job by plying the under-aged, innocent boy with wicked controlled substances; The latest fad weight-loss program sweeping the nation - amputating a limb ; A not-so-secret code word in EVERY Mexican song; The Kovid that came before Covid (she was 19, too); The difference between America’s destiny and America’s spirit; Measuring the elasticity of his rectum for the good of humanity; Honest break ups - “I know I said it was me, and that it wasn’t you, but I’m wrong - it’s you, you’re a fucking nightmare”

***IF THAT WASN’T ENOUGH, IN THIS EPISODE INTERNATIONAL ALSO...***

Struggles not to caretake Jack (his imaginary, sex-addicted producer) and contemplates sending him expensive hookers that aren’t real; Does bad accents and butchers a bunch of people’s names and news outlets (just fast-forward, it’s a god-awful mess); Attempts to talk directly to Covid 19, but can't get past the virus’ spokesperson; Questions why he keeps going back to reading depressing news on the show just like he kept going back to that narcissistic, self-obsessed actress he dated for six months, who ripped his heart out, and still he just kept calling and going over to her apartment, even though she would never see him because she was too busy talking to her agent, the bitch; Offers you a little something special at the end of the show (that’s all we can say right now, but if you listen to the end, you’ll most certainly proclaim, “International is SO FUCKING AMAZING!”)

***AND SO MUCH MORE, IT’S CRAZY!!!***