If you've been betrayed, you already know that the pain doesn't stay in the past. It follows you into ordinary moments—a song, a smell, a place, a glance at a phone—and suddenly you're flooded all over again. That's not weakness; it’s trauma. It deserves real treatment.

In this episode, I talk with Laurel van der Toorn, trauma therapist and founder of Laurel Therapy Collective, about a modality that has helped many betrayed partners move out of that cycle of activation: EMDR.

Laurel is refreshingly honest about it. She calls it "weird," and she means it. But weird doesn't mean ineffective. EMDR is one of the most empirically validated trauma treatments available, with decades of peer-reviewed research behind it. And for people stuck in the relentless loop of betrayal trauma, it may offer something that talk therapy alone often can't: relief at the neurological level.

In this conversation, we cover:

What trauma actually is and why it's less about what happened and more about how the brain stored it

Why EMDR feels strange but works, and what bilateral stimulation actually does in the brain

The eight phases of EMDR, from history-taking and resourcing all the way through processing and integration

What a typical session looks like, whether in-person or virtual

How targets are identified and why the most activating memory isn't always the most obvious one

Why relational trauma (like betrayal) takes longer to process than a single-incident trauma

How to find a qualified EMDR therapist, and what certifications actually mean

Laurel also addresses common concerns, including whether EMDR is a form of hypnosis (it's not), whether you can do it on your own with an app (you shouldn't), and whether it works for everyone (nothing does, but the results can be remarkable).

If you're past discovery and still not sleeping, still flooded with intrusive thoughts, still wondering if it ever gets better… this episode is for you.

LINKS and EXTRAS

Episoded Page: https://www.affairhealing.com/podcasts/063

Laural’s Website (free EMDR webinar): laureltherapy.net

EMDR website: emdria.org

Our Coach & Therapist, Sharon Barbour, also offers EMDR to clients in California & Indiana.

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