I figured we would switch gears for this particular podcast episode and answer one of the most asked questions that I get, almost on a daily basis and that is why does my ex view my Snapchat and Instagram stories?

So in this particular episode I’m going to answer many different questions.

But before we actually start worrying about social media and how to handle it and what it means and if it means something, you need to figure out a starting point with how to handle your breakup. Right?

Breakups can make us feel many different things.

Some people want to get their exes back immediately. Some people don’t want anything to do with their exes. If you’re in that sort of crossroads, I’ve got great news for you. I’ve put together a special resource, a quiz designed to tell you what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back. So you can make a determination on if you should be trying to get them back or if you should be trying to move on if that’s what you want to do.

There’s nothing worse, believe me, than wasting your time trying to get an ex back.

So take the quiz on my website to help determine what you should be doing and it will give you the best next steps for how to approach your particular situation.

Now, there’s many different ways to find out how to take the quiz.

If you’re actually reading the show notes of this episode, I will literally link the quiz in the show notes.

It’s pretty simple, you just click a button on your mouse or on your phone. If you’re listening to this on iTunes or Stitcher or any other podcast place, all you’re going to have to do if you want to go take our quiz is go to our homepage, go to our website, exboyfriendrecovery.com.

And if you’re watching this on YouTube because I’ve now started uploading these videos or these podcast episodes into YouTube, all you’re going to have to do is look in the description link below the YouTube video and click on it.

With that out of way, let’s start talking about why exes view Snapchat and Instagram stories.

And probably the easiest or best way to approach this situation is by tackling the question, how often do exes watch you via all social media platforms after a breakup?

And contrary to popular belief, it’s actually the social norm.

I’ve done research on this with my own clients and research backs me up. There was actually one very, very fascinating study done by a graduate student that found that over 88% of people after a breakup will Facebook stalk their exes.

Now, Facebook stalking is not so much a thing anymore because there’s so many privacy features on Facebook nowadays. But what’s important is the intent of the behavior. There’s a need, an inherent obsessive, addictive quality to watching what your ex is up to via social media, spying on your ex via social media, and before you sit there and think, well, my ex blocked me. Well my ex wouldn’t care about things like that.

I can personally attest to so many stories I’ve heard of exes going to mutual friends and using their social media profiles to spy on what you’re up to.

So, and it also really makes sense when you’re looking at it from the lens of viewing Snapchat and Instagram stories. If your ex hasn’t blocked you or unfollowed you, then your stories are more likely to show up in his feed. And if that happens, it’s only natural for him to want to watch it. I mean, I would. So this is actually why so many exes will block or unfollow you to begin with.

They can’t stand the constant reminders of your presence. So they actually sit there and block you to A, stop thinking about you, and stop feeling the pain that is associated with the breakup. So it’s important to understand that this social norm, it’s normal, but does it mean anything? And if so, what does it mean?

So in my opinion, it doesn’t really mean much.

You can quote it, you can put that in bold lettering.

“In my opinion, nine times out of ten it doesn’t mean much.”

There is one singular exception when you’re looking at Snapchat and Instagram stories. But before I talk about that, let’s talk about why I believe it doesn’t mean too much. People read way too much into this and it doesn’t always have to mean something. So I always view an ex watching your Snapchat or Instagram stories as normal behavior, since it is a normal behavior.

So the only difference with Snapchat and Instagram is that it gives you the ability to directly see who’s viewing your stories. Right? This isn’t really possible with a website or app like Facebook or Twitter. Maybe there is, Twitter. I’m not really sure. I’m not real well versed in Twitter. I don’t know how many people really use Twitter for dating. I mean, I’m sure it exists, but most times they won’t let you see who’s watching your stories or your feeds or your post or viewing your profile. This isn’t LinkedIn, right?

So what’s interesting about it is because Snapchat and Instagram gives you the ability to view someone’s stories and make them aware of that fact, it’s getting a light shone onto it.

And it sort of creates all of these questions on if it means something and what does it mean? But ultimately it’s just a difference of visibility, right? The normal behavior we know, close to 90% of people will spy on their exes after a breakup.

They have many different ways of doing this.

Some people use Snapchat and Instagram, some people use Facebook, some people use any other dating apps or WhatsApp or things that they’re sort of looking at after the breakup. Or was the norm throughout their relationship.

But when you take that behavior, the only difference between Snapchat and Instagram and a website like Facebook or an app like Facebook is that it just gives you visibility on who’s spying on you. Right? Facebook doesn’t do that.

So I mean your ex could be spying on you through Facebook just as much, but since it doesn’t give you the ability to see if they’re spying on you or not, you would never know. But Snapchat and Instagram does. So obsessing too much about the meaning of what I consider to be a normal behavior can lead you to look extremely insecure and desperate.

Don’t be the girl that asks your ex, “Hey, why did you view my story?” It almost proves to them that you’re thinking about them and you ultimately lose your value. And I actually have a personal story to share with this.

So when I grew up, Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook, they weren’t really in existence. They didn’t exist. The big social media platform that everyone used was Myspace, which isn’t even a thing anymore. But Myspace was famous for having these profiles that you could create much like Facebook, but anytime you would go onto someone’s profile, you could also have music accompanying that profile, right.

And so when I was a high schooler, right, I wasn’t really savvy with the normal dating behaviors of today and didn’t sort of grow into the human being that I am right now. I would obsess about this anytime I would like a girl. Right. So I remember there was this one specific girl who was named Dani, right? D-A-N-I, right. She was this very, very beautiful blonde girl. And I had a huge crush on her, right. And her brother and my brother were both friends. They were both younger brothers for both of us.

And my brother one day came home from their house and said,

“Hey, so-and-so’s sister said that you look hot.”

It was the first time a girl had ever called me hot and I just, it blew my mind. So immediately I friended her on Myspace and just started sort of chatting back and forth. And what was fascinating about this was I became so addicted and obsessed about trying to win this girl that I would obsess about everything that she was posting on her wall, everything that she was posting, even from music. And I remember one specific thing.

When her and I first started talking, I was so obsessed and maybe so insecure because I had never had a girlfriend in my entire life. She ended up, like a day or two after we started talking, she ended up changing her music accompanying her Myspace profile to the Red Hot Chili Peppers song and Dani California.

Well, I took this to mean, oh my God, it has to mean something about me when in reality her name is Dani and the song is called Danny California. And she looked just sort of like some California model would. Right?

And so it made me, when I actually started approaching her about it, I said, “Hey, but you changed your music. It has to mean something related to me.”

She never talked to me again ever. I mean, that was it. Super embarrassing. So here’s my point. Don’t be that girl to your ex. You lose your value completely. Now I did mention something about, well there’s one specific situation or scenario where it does mean something if your ex is viewing your Snapchat and Instagram stories, and I’d like to talk a little bit about what that situation is.

In my opinion, the only exception when I think an ex viewing your Snapchat or Instagram stories means something is if they watch every single story that you put out over the course of like a month. Right?

But I don’t think this says anything about them, like they have to have you back.

I think it says more about their addictive nature and ability to obsess about what you’re up to.

In essence, you’re winning the breakup if they’re obsessing so much that they’re watching every single thing that you put out. So now that we kind of understand, well okay, it means a little something.

They’re sort of obsessed with thinking about you, they haven’t gotten over the breakup yet. I think that’s ultimately what it says. Now that we know that, what are some of the reasons exes will view your Snapchat and Instagram stories?

In my opinion there’s three reasons exes will view your stories on social media.

Let’s look at all three of those reasons and dig deeper.

Curiosity

The first one I think is pretty self explanatory. They’re curious. Curiosity, right? It’s sort of like you go through this breakup, you’ve poured your heart and soul into maybe this relationship and you’re just kind of curious to see what they’re up to. Even I, now, even my wife gets curious about what her ex is up to.

And I remember the other day I was thinking, I wonder what my old ex is up to. And of course I had blocked her and she still remains block to this point, but every once in awhile I kind of wonder what she’s up to. If she got married, if she has any kids like I did. I’d want the best for her.

I’m just a nice guy like that. My wife kind of thinks about that sometimes. How can you not? I think it’s human nature to be curious about something like this, but it’s not the only reason for why exes will view your Snapchat and Instagram stories.

Anger

The second reason is anger. Have you ever been so angry? There’s like this, when you’re obsessed and addicted to watching someone’s Snapchat and Instagram stories, you’re almost as obsessed to the feeling of anger. As weird as this sounds, some men will literally get into the habit of watching her Snapchat and Instagram stories because it makes them angry and they like to feel like they have the moral high ground, right?

I can’t tell you how often I’ve heard exes say something when they’re at complete fault for the breakup. But they like to paint themselves as the victim because their ex made them feel this certain way, and it’s their fault and they kind of like to get sort of angry.

They like to be angry for the sake of being angry.

I can also attest to doing this. There was a breakup I had where I literally would watch their posts on Facebook and get angry just because. Not sure I even have a reason or can even peel back the layers. Is that a healthy thing to do? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. But it’s also not the only reason for why an ex will view your Snapchat or Instagram stories.

Habit

There’s a third reason and that’s habit. Let’s say that you’ve opened up a Snapchat, Instagram story two or three times, right? And that curiosity just kind of keeps you coming back for more and more and more. Next thing you know, you’ve gotten into the habit of watching their stories because you can’t stop the habit essentially.

In my opinion, those are the main reasons for why exes will view your Snapchat and or Instagram stories, but how should you be using Snapchat and Instagram? Where does social media stuff like this fall in the overall process that I and my team have created? Should I say my team and I, that’s a better way of putting it. Makes me sound less important, which I like.

So if you didn’t know, we are really, really trying to push this new way of looking at things. Right? And that’s always using the no contact rule. If you don’t know what the no contact rule is, hop by our website and read articles about it. Or if you bought a product or did a coaching session with me or one of my coaches, you should know what the no contact rule is. But essentially there’s three phases throughout the sort of get your ex back, or get over your ex process.

That’s before the no contact rule, during the no contact rule, and after the no contact rule. So where does social media fall or Snapchat and Instagram fall throughout the process, the overall process that we are famous for creating?

Well it’s going to fall in two areas: during no contact and after no contact.

Right?

So you should be using social media like Snapchat and Instagram stories in a specific way during the no contact rule and after the no contact rule. So the obvious next question is, well, what is that way?

How should you be using Snapchat and Instagram stories? Well, I want you to use it as a way of determining if your ex is keeping tabs on you. Think of the technology that Snapchat and Instagram has created as a scientist would. You can perform different experiments to see what types of things your ex is watching.

You can chart them and then do more to get his addictive side working. Right. This is especially important for people who want to get their exes back, who want to stay relevant during a no contact rule when they’re so worried of an ex not remembering who they are. Which is an irrational fear to begin with because you just went through a breakup and you’re doing a no contact rule. They’re not going to forget you in 30 days. Right.

But if you’re worried, one way that you can sort of stay in touch with them indirectly is by using Snapchat and Instagram and posting stories, just to see if they are watching those stories. And what’s interesting is I’ve actually had people in our private Facebook support group who do this, who literally use Snapchat and Instagram as a way, as a litmus test of figuring out what things their ex is interested in.

Maybe they make their story about one thing, they chart to see if he watches and then they do the same thing with a different topic, chart to see if he watches. And if they start to notice patterns developing, hey, he always seems to watch when I’m doing sort of some makeup tutorial or something like that. Or he always seems to watch when I’m doing one of those vlog type situations. I don’t know what you should be using your Instagram stories are.

I’m sure we can come up with specific things you can do.

But ultimately you should use Snapchat and Instagram as a way of charting your ex’s behavior to see what’s getting him to obsess, right. And then making more of that type of content so that you can indirectly stay in touch with him during the no contact rule.

You can also do this after the no contact rule to constantly be on his mind. So ultimately that, in my opinion, is the deal with Snapchat and Instagram stories.