Today we’re going to be talking about exactly how to handle accidentally seeing your ex in person.

Specifically I’d like to divide this article up into the following categories.

Let’s begin!

Regardless of how you broke up, who broke up with whom, why you broke up, and what’s happened post-breakup, seeing an ex accidentally in public is going to be AT LEAST somewhat awkward for both of you.

No matter how calmly or “fine” your ex may appear, all exes will feel at least a short, sudden rush (interpreted as shock or surprise), followed immediately by uncertainty, and then an outward/visible attempt to appear at ease.

What is unlikely to happen is your ex running to you with arms wide open, asking how you are, telling you how much they missed you, and asking for you back.

What actually happens in the interaction is completely up to you, and, to make the most of that interaction, you should be prepared.

I’ve put together a list of rules, based on gender, on how you should be approaching things.

Describe to yourself a woman – fictional or real life – that you believe is strong, confident, carries herself well, and radiates both power and attractiveness.

This woman has true “main character” energy or vibes.

Now, imagine this woman went through a breakup that is similar to yours in terms of who broke up with whom, general reasons for the breakup, the presence/absence of fighting, and what, if anything, that happened post-breakup.

Suddenly, this woman sees her/their ex while out in public.

What would that character do?

What do you think this woman’s ex would think on seeing HER accidentally?

What would be going through her/their ex’s mind? Another way to think about it is…what do you value most about yourself?

Is it your friendliness, your humor, your happiness, your intelligence, your loyalty?

Whatever you value the most, fully step into those values for those moments when you interact with your ex.

Although most cultures raise men to initiate interactions, in the situation of an accidental run-in in public, women should be prepared to initiate and to chat with an ex at least a few minutes.

For LGBTQ couples, women should expect to first catch the eye of the ex, wave in a friendly and gentle way, and make your way to your ex at a normal pace and assuming the ex is a few feet away.

Do not try to impress or show off to your ex, and do not ask your ex about anything that could make your ex feel bad or references the past.

Also, if you are still angry or sad, focus on being pleasant in that moment with your ex and exit as quickly and gracefully as you can – getting on the phone with your closest friend, your therapist, your coach, your family member as soon as possible to rehash.

Do not ask if your ex misses you, thinks about the past, or regrets anything — UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO HEAR AND ADDRESS THE WORST.

Moments such as those are the absolute worst timing to have such conversations; there’s time later to have them and in a way that stacks the probability of a favorable outcome.

Compliment your ex or, in the very least, note that you appreciate the chat but you have to go.

In many cultures around the world, men bear the burden of initiating or being on the offensive in social interactions.

So, if you see your ex accidentally, you should be prepared to smile, wave gently and in a friendly way, and, if you are within a few feet of each other or less, walk up to your ex at a normal pace.

Do not run away.

Do not turn away from your ex and walk quickly in the opposite direction.

Remember, no matter how your ex may appear, internally your ex is also on his/her/their own rollercoaster of emotions:

If you approach the situation with a positive frame of mind, understand generally how you’re doing to behave, and plan to exit after a short while, you are going to be fine.

Similar to women, men should have a general gameplan in their minds regarding what to do and what to say if they see their exes in public.

Like women, men should assume that there will be some awkwardness, surprise/shock, and an attempt to appear “okay”.

Think back to what you value in yourself as a person – not your physical characteristics, your job/school, your friends, family or network – as that is most likely what your ex valued in you during your relationship.

For example, you may be a smart, funny, down-to-earth person who listens well and asks good questions.

Whatever you value most in yourself as a person, lead with those characteristics in mind.

Do not try to impress or show off to your ex, and do not ask your ex about anything that could make your ex feel bad or references the past.

Do not ask if your ex misses you, misses experiences with you, or any similar emotional conversation – UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO HEAR AND ADDRESS THE WORST.

Moments such as those are the absolute worst timing to have such conversations; there’s time later to have them and in a way that stacks the probability of a favorable outcome. Compliment your ex or, in the very least, note that you appreciate the chat but you have to go.

In this section I’d like to talk through some specific scenarios we’ve seen in our coaching practice and how to handle them.

Let’s begin!