When your spouse is dysregulated, shut down, or lashing out in anger—what's really happening? And more importantly, what can YOU do about it?

In this episode, I break down:

✓ The biological difference between being technically safe and *feeling* safe

✓ Why your partner may not identify you as a safety cue (even if you're trying)

✓ The "Polyvagal Ladder"—how shutdown → anger → safety actually works

✓ Why fight activation coming out of shutdown is actually a GOOD sign

✓ The painful relationship cycle (and how to break it)

✓ 4 practical tips to shift relationship dynamics

KEY TAKEAWAY: If you want your relationship to change, it falls on YOU to show up differently. You can't control your partner's nervous system, but you can regulate yours—and that's powerful.

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS:

0:00 - Introduction: Understanding Dysregulation in Relationships

0:32 - Listener's Question: Navigating Marital Challenges

2:01 - The Concept of Safety in Relationships

7:31 - The Role of Fight Activation and Safety

11:03 - Breaking the Cycle: Self-Regulation and Boundaries

20:12 - Practical Tips for Changing Relationship Dynamics

26:45 - Conclusion: The Journey to Self-Regulation

👉 Resources from this episode:

"Self-Regulate to Co-regulate" episode - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1ZflmdCZyE

Resources:

🔸 Wondering what to do next? https://bit.ly/4ozbppZ

🔸 Stuck Not Broken book series - https://www.justinlmft.com/books

🔸 Polyvagal 101 audio series - https://player.captivate.fm/collection/cce134e7-1550-4d33-8e56-738d344c63b0

Crisis resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1 (800) 273-8255
• National Domestic Violence Hotline -1 (800) 799-7233
• LGBT Trevor Project Lifeline - 1 (866) 488-7386
• National Sexual Assault Hotline - 1 (800) 656-4673
• Crisis Text Line - Text “HOME” to 741741
• Call 911 for emergency

This and other content produced by Justin Sunseri (“JustinLMFT”) (i.e; podcast, YouTube, Instagram, etc.) is not therapy, not intended to be therapy or be a replacement for therapy.  Nothing in this creates or indicates a therapeutic relationship.  Please consult with your therapist or seek for one in your area if you are experiencing mental health symptoms.  Nothing should be construed to be specific life advice; it is for educational and entertainment purposes only.

Justin Sunseri is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist registered in the State of California (#99147).

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