Imago Relationship Theory claims we all have a mental "dating app" in our subconscious where the algorithm is secretly set to "parental lookalike mode."

Essentially, we swipe right on people who remind us of our parents—because why not add a sprinkle of childhood trauma to the romance cocktail, right?

Shan Marchant is a couples therapist and relationship expert, who you might recognise from the BBC’s Point of View, or her writing for Metro.

She uses Imago Relationship Therapy, after witnessing its ability to repair and revive her own 13+ year relationship.

During our conversation we delve into why we often choose partners who resemble one or both of our parents as these familiar traits spark chemistry, but the twist is that we’re not just looking for love; we’re signing up for a self-improvement bootcamp. According to Harville Hendrix and his partner Helen, who invented Imago, relationships are less about happily-ever-after and more about healing those childhood wounds.

So, if your partner seems oddly familiar, congratulations—you’ve matched with your Imago! Time for the work to begin…

You can find Shan here: https://www.shanmerchant.com/

If you enjoy our conversation, let me know!

00:00 Introduction to Imago Therapy and Its Concepts

02:55 Navigating Power Struggles in Relationships

06:13 The Importance of Prioritising Your Partner

08:48 Recognising Relationship Patterns and Taking Action

11:56 Reigniting Desire and Intimacy Over Time

14:57 Understanding Infidelity and Its Implications

18:11 The Role of Couples Therapy in Modern Relationships

20:59 Building Emotional Intelligence in Relationships

23:56 The Journey of Self-Acceptance and Affection

26:57 Conclusion and Resources for Couples

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