Why You SUCK at Relationships (with Eric Barker)

Mark speaks with Eric Barker, Wall Street Journal best selling author and former Hollywood screenwriter. Eric left Hollywood and scripted a new challenge: organizing the counterintuitive nature of relationships, vulnerability, and cognitive biases.

Key Takeaways:

Do you have friends? Do you smoke? The two biggest determinants of your mortality one year after a heart attack. Eric shares the surprising science by Robert Garfield at University of Pennsylvania detailing how not being open and vulnerable in relationships leads to prolonged minor illnesses and even increased lethality from a second heart attack. He also shares effective strategies for forming deep friendships to counteract these data.

Friendships are our most coveted relationships, taking the cake over our romantic partners (by 5%). While romantic partnerships are backed by a legal document, as are colleagues with job descriptions, friendships are different. They’re indefinite… which might be just what makes real ones so special.

Think about The Scary Rule, which Eric coined. If it feels scary, say it. Start small, but opening up and sharing something that could be used against you is what builds trust, says Diego Gambetta’s research. It starts with you.

The placebo effect is in your hormones. Contrary to popular belief, the placebo effect isn’t just in your head… it’s actually in your endorphins, which are what carry the signal of the placebo effect. If we shut down the exchange of endorphins, we lose the mystical placebo. What’s more, placebo effect goes up when we experience trust in not only the medication and treatment, but in the doctor’s bedside manner and empathy.

Your first impressions barely beat a coin flip. It turns out, 70% of first impressions are drawn correctly. The trouble is, that 30% of assumptions are what create unhelpful biases, the ones we must confront and try to unlearn.