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121: Understanding the Anxious-Avoidant Trap (why he pulls away when you get close)
Understanding the Anxious-Avoidant Trap a huge part of my breakthrough a few years ago, just before I started becoming securely attached.
Before I just could NOT understand...
Why does he pull away when you try to get closer?
Why does it feel like the more you love, the more distance you create? 🌪
Â
THIS will make so much more sense when you go deeper on attachment theory.
Â
If you’re anxiously attached and dating (or married to) someone more avoidant, this episode will feel VERY familiar.
I’m sharing this not just from theory — but from my own relationship.
Years ago, when we lived together in a tiny room in London, my anxious attachment was constantly activated. I needed reassurance. I wanted closeness all the time. I didn’t even realize how critical and intense I was becoming.
And the more I reached for him…
the more he shut down.
The more I pushed to “fix it”…
the more defensive and explosive he became.
That’s the anxious-avoidant trap.
One partner seeks closeness to feel safe.
The other seeks space to feel safe.
And both end up feeling misunderstood, hurt, and dysregulated.
In this episode, I break down:
đź–¤ What the anxious-avoidant cycle really is
đź–¤ Why the more you chase, the more they withdraw
🖤 Why it’s not just “the avoidant’s fault”
🖤 The hidden “void” anxious partners try to fill
đź–¤ The 3 unmet core needs driving your anxiety (certainty, connection, significance)
đź–¤ Why co-regulation turns into emotional chaos
🖤 How I shifted from anxious to more secure — while staying in the same relationship
This isn’t about blaming you.
And it’s not about blaming them.
It’s about understanding that both nervous systems are activated.
Both people are trying to feel safe.
Just in opposite ways.
And here’s the truth most people don’t say:
Your partner cannot fill a void that was created long before you met them.
Healing anxious attachment means learning to meet your own needs first — instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel whole.
Because when you regulate yourself…
the dynamic changes.
And yes — avoidant partners can become more secure.
Mine did.
But only after I stopped chasing from fear.
If you constantly think:
“Why does he pull away when I get close?”
“Why do I feel abandoned so easily?”
“Why am I the only one trying?”
This episode will help you see the pattern clearly - and what you can actually do about it.
Â
CHAPTER:
00:00 Intro Understanding the Anxious-Avoidant Trap
01:33 What is the Anxious-Avoidant Trap?
04:31 Why you're chasing closeness so much in relationships
Â
Remember:
Change in your relationship starts with you.
Thought by thought.
Action by action.
Episode by episode.Â
Â
Â
Attachment Library + more offers
➞ https://linktr.ee/the.anxious.to.secure.coach/shop
Â
DISCLAIMER:Â I'm not a therapist or doctor.
This content is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It's not intended to diagnose, treat, or heal any mental health conditions.
This is not meant for situations involving abusive relationships of any kind. Always seek professional advice for personal health concerns.
Â
Remember: Change in your relationship starts with YOU, thought by thought and action by action.
Â
Â
View all episodes
By Jula - The Anxious To Secure Coach
3.7
33 ratings
Understanding the Anxious-Avoidant Trap a huge part of my breakthrough a few years ago, just before I started becoming securely attached.
Before I just could NOT understand...
Why does he pull away when you try to get closer?
Why does it feel like the more you love, the more distance you create? 🌪
Â
THIS will make so much more sense when you go deeper on attachment theory.
Â
If you’re anxiously attached and dating (or married to) someone more avoidant, this episode will feel VERY familiar.
I’m sharing this not just from theory — but from my own relationship.
Years ago, when we lived together in a tiny room in London, my anxious attachment was constantly activated. I needed reassurance. I wanted closeness all the time. I didn’t even realize how critical and intense I was becoming.
And the more I reached for him…
the more he shut down.
The more I pushed to “fix it”…
the more defensive and explosive he became.
That’s the anxious-avoidant trap.
One partner seeks closeness to feel safe.
The other seeks space to feel safe.
And both end up feeling misunderstood, hurt, and dysregulated.
In this episode, I break down:
đź–¤ What the anxious-avoidant cycle really is
đź–¤ Why the more you chase, the more they withdraw
🖤 Why it’s not just “the avoidant’s fault”
🖤 The hidden “void” anxious partners try to fill
đź–¤ The 3 unmet core needs driving your anxiety (certainty, connection, significance)
đź–¤ Why co-regulation turns into emotional chaos
🖤 How I shifted from anxious to more secure — while staying in the same relationship
This isn’t about blaming you.
And it’s not about blaming them.
It’s about understanding that both nervous systems are activated.
Both people are trying to feel safe.
Just in opposite ways.
And here’s the truth most people don’t say:
Your partner cannot fill a void that was created long before you met them.
Healing anxious attachment means learning to meet your own needs first — instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel whole.
Because when you regulate yourself…
the dynamic changes.
And yes — avoidant partners can become more secure.
Mine did.
But only after I stopped chasing from fear.
If you constantly think:
“Why does he pull away when I get close?”
“Why do I feel abandoned so easily?”
“Why am I the only one trying?”
This episode will help you see the pattern clearly - and what you can actually do about it.
Â
CHAPTER:
00:00 Intro Understanding the Anxious-Avoidant Trap
01:33 What is the Anxious-Avoidant Trap?
04:31 Why you're chasing closeness so much in relationships
Â
Remember:
Change in your relationship starts with you.
Thought by thought.
Action by action.
Episode by episode.Â
Â
Â
Attachment Library + more offers
➞ https://linktr.ee/the.anxious.to.secure.coach/shop
Â
DISCLAIMER:Â I'm not a therapist or doctor.
This content is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It's not intended to diagnose, treat, or heal any mental health conditions.
This is not meant for situations involving abusive relationships of any kind. Always seek professional advice for personal health concerns.
Â
Remember: Change in your relationship starts with YOU, thought by thought and action by action.
Â
Â
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