Do you and your partner keep circling the same argument, no matter how many times you've tried to resolve it? The problem might not be what either of you is saying — it might be who is actually doing the talking.

In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager introduces a concept from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy that helps explain why so many couples get stuck in what he calls the "bickering loop." According to IFS, we all carry protective parts — internal responses shaped by our past wounds — and when those protectors take over during conflict, the real person in the relationship goes quiet.

Todd walks through two real-world examples from his practice. In the first, a wife who learned to fight for visibility raises her voice and criticizes to avoid feeling devalued — just as she did growing up. Her husband, raised with a mother who was out of control, learned early on to shut down and disappear into distractions. When she pushes, he withdraws. When he withdraws, she pushes harder. Neither is wrong; both are operating from protective parts that hijacked the conversation long before either of them opened their mouth.

In the second example, Todd describes a couple where a husband's drinking — a firefighter response in IFS terms — allowed him to escape difficult feelings, while his wife's manager part kept her passive and accommodating. That pattern held until it couldn't anymore.

The shift Todd teaches is a simple but powerful one: instead of speaking as a part, learn to speak from a part. That means pausing, recognizing which protective response has been triggered, and then communicating from your grounded, adult self. Something like: "There's a part of me that feels lonely when you pull away" lands very differently than "You never care about me."

This is the pause-and-pivot approach — and Todd has seen it stop the bickering cycle for good in couples who were convinced they'd run out of road.

He also briefly explains the difference between IFS managers (parts that try to prevent wounds from surfacing) and firefighters (parts that react fast when pain is already flooding the system) — both of which show up in most long-term relationship conflicts.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com  

HELPFUL LINKS:

• Get your FREE copy of Healing Infidelity From The Inside Out https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/heal-infidelity 
• Secrets to a Sexy Marriage:  https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/sexy-marriage-secrets
• 7 Ways to Divorce Proof Your Marriage: https://toddcreager.kartra.com/page/optin-DPYM
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