Alonement

This week’s guest is Dr Nicole LePera, whom you might be more familiar with as the Holistic Psychologist – the handle of her somewhat insanely popular Instagram account. She’s also the author of multiple books, including her New York bestseller How To Do The Work, and her latest title, a workbook called How To Meet Your Self. With fans including Elizabeth Day, Dr Rangan Chatterjee and Mel Robbins, Nicole’s popularity is justified – with her succinct but hard-hitting social media posts bringing therapeutic insight out of the expensive and often inaccessible clinical space and in front of the 9 million people who follow her on social media. 

We discuss, among other things:

• The practical challenge of alone time when you’re in a throuple, or three-person relationship, as Nicole is [5:40]
• How Nicole developed a fearful relationship with being alone in childhood [8:10]
• How your body can go into a ‘threat state’ when you’re alone [10:45]
• Nicole’s experience of struggling with being physically alone in her early twenties [15:05]
• How to practically teach yourself to cope better with alone time through Nicole’s five-minute exercise[18:16]
• Can you learn to be alone through therapy? [20:51]
• How to avoid the addictive trap of ‘self-help’ [26:51]
• Why Nicole is passionate about mental health advice being widely accessible via social media [33:31]
• Practical advice for engaging with self-help content sensibly [37:08]
• Why Nicole’s favourite alone time involves nudity (not like that!] [41:18]

You can find links to Dr Nicole Lepera’s latest workbook on howtomeetyourself.com. Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org. Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

Twitter:

@ChezSpecter @theholisticpsych

Instagram:

@ChezSpecter @the.holistic.psychologist

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This week's guest on the podcast is the poet Amy Key. We're here to discuss her first work of prose, Arrangements in Blue: Notes on Love and Making a Life, which is a memoir inspired by the work of Amy's beloved musical icon, Joni Mitchell. Aged 44. Amy has been single for 22 years. Her book challenges us to consider the claim that life can both be wonderful in the absence of romantic love – and that it is yet still valid to want it nevertheless. Described by The Guardian as a ‘cathartic meditation on singledom’, Arrangements in Blue is a book that reflects on the universal question of what makes a life rich and whole, in a way that resonates regardless of your relationship status. It is also a nuanced discussion of different kinds of alonement, from the luxury of living alone (it's worth mentioning. Amy speaks to me from her flat in London, where the walls are painted a gorgeous shade of pink, and there's a piano and her books in the backdrop) to the highs and lows of solo travel. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Why ‘alone’, for Amy, means ‘attunement’ [4:25]
• What was behind Amy’s decision to theme her book around Joni Mitchell’s ‘Blue’ album [8:15]
• The challenge of living life on a different timeline to your peers [13:34]
• What people in long-term relationships could learn from Amy’s account of long-term singledom [16:34]
• Do single people face discrimination? [23:55]
• The contagious joy of holidaying alone [26:59]
• Practising self-care and personal boundaries as a single person [34:08]
• Amy’s platonic relationship with her mentor, the late poet Roddy Lumsden [38:30]
• Why Amy's asking for more, not less, from her dating life [44:46]

You can purchase Arrangements in Blue now at all good bookshops. 

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

Twitter:

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@ChezSpecter

@msamykey

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Instagram:

@ChezSpecter

@msamykey

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The Alonement podcast is back! And for the first episode of this season, I’m speaking to one of the most-requested guests since the show began: Susan Cain. Susan is the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, a book which spent eight years on the New York bestseller list after its publication in 2012. The book was inspired by her former career as a Wall Street lawyer, a profession where she came face-to-face with what she identified as a Western bias towards extroversion in the workplace. In Quiet, she celebrates the traits of introverted people, including their capacity for reflection and solitude. In April 2022, Susan published Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole, which is an exploration of how embracing life’s sadness, as well as its positive moments, can be the pathway to a greater appreciation of beauty and wonder.

We discuss, among other things:

• How Susan navigates busy publicity cycles as an introvert [4:49]
• Free trait theory [10:03]
• The ‘Alone togetherness’ of spaces like Starbucks, co-working spaces & family homes [14:28]
• Why Susan Cain’s unpublished memoir was called ‘Freefall’  [23:21]
• Why the act of being creative is inherently bittersweet [25:05]
• The relationship between alone time, religion and spirituality [29:08]
• Susan’s critique of positive psychology [31:32]
• Why Susan is a ‘happy melancholic’ [33:15]
• A different look at romantic obsession – and how it can help us learn more about our deeper internal desires [34:16]
• Should introverts only date extroverts – and vice versa? [39:16]

Cultural references from our conversation:

• ‘Only connect’, the epigraph to EM Forster’s Howard’s End
• Ryan Little’s ‘Free Trait Theory’
• The film Splendour in the Grass
• The ‘Bittersweet’ playlist created to accompany Susan’s latest book
• The discipline of positive psychology, founded by Martin Seligman
• The Myers Briggs personality test

You can purchase all of Susan Cain’s books, including Quiet and Bittersweet, on susancain.net/books.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

Social links: @ChezSpecter on Instagram & Twitter, while Susan is @susancain on Twitter and @susancainauthor on Instagram.

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Hello Alonement listeners! So, a quick announcement to share that I've just launched a new project called The Shoulds. The Shoulds is an online Substack publication and community space that explores the hidden rules and stories that shape our lives. In many ways, this newsletter will be just like this podcast covering a lots of similar topics around psychology, authentic living, and relationships. But also it will be a space for us to have two-way conversations and get to know each other a little bit better. I would love to see as many of you possible over there at Substack. To follow, just type francescaspecter.substack.com into your web browser and enter your email address to receive updates directly to your inbox.

You can also follow me on Twitter and on Instagram – @ChezSpecter.

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This clip is taken from my guest interview with former Blue Peter presenter Konnie Huq, first released in August 2020. Konnie speaks about the sustaining power of having 'anchors' – close friends and family whom you know are at the end of the phone – and how this prevents loneliness, even when you are alone.

Twitter: @ChezSpecter @Konnie_Huq

Instagram: @chezspecter

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Season 7 finale! How did that happen?! We are, however, going out with a bang... This week, I have the pleasure of chatting to friendship expert & psychologist Dr Marisa G. Franco, whose new book Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make and Keep Friends combines two of the most zeitgeist-y lifestyle topics of the moment: attachment theory and the value of friendship. After interviewing Marisa, I was actually invited to provide the cover endorsement (!) for the UK edition, which I couldn’t have been more honoured to do. Here’s what I said about it: ‘Relationships take work. We’ve always accepted that romantically – but, curiously, rarely do we apply the same adage to friendship. Marisa G. Franco’s Platonic is the book that changes that. It not only champions the essentiality of friendship for a happy life and gives a generous reflection of the author’s own experience, it also gives you the toolkit for deepening existing friendships and making new ones. This is all done through the fascinating lens of attachment theory, once again something you may have applied to your romantic relationships but likely never before to your friendships. This is a timely, unique guide to approaching friendship, often the profoundest source of connection in your life, with the love (and self-reflection) it deserves.’

In this episode, recorded just before the book release, we discuss:

• What ‘attachment theory’ actually means, in – as Dr Marisa G Franco put it – ‘a rather big nutshell’
• How secure friendships underpin your ability to feel ‘safe’ when in your own company
• The value of showing vulnerability in your friendships
• The challenges we face when making (and keeping) friends in adulthood
• Practical advice to nurture healthy friendships 

You can order Dr Marisa G. Franco’s book, Platonic: How Understanding Your Attachment Style Can Help You Make and Keep Friends, now on Bookshop.org

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

Twitter:

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@ChezSpecter

@DrMarisaGFranco

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Instagram:

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@ChezSpecter

@drmarisagfranco

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Contact: [email protected]

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In this clip, we hear from psychologist and Instagram sensation Dr Emma Hepburn – with one of my favourite pieces of wisdom from our original recording, released in April 2021.

Emma Hepburn’s book, A Toolkit For Modern Life, discussed in this episode, is available to order now.

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My book, Alonement: How To Be Alone & Absolutely Own It, is available to order on Amazon, Waterstones, Bookshop.org and all good booksellers.

Instagram: @chezspecter @thepsychologymum

Twitter: @ChezSpecter @@EmmaNeuropsych

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This week my interviewee is radio and TV presenter Nihal Arthanayake. While I’ll be asking the questions today, Nihal is most used to playing the other role, having interviewed countless household names, including Minnie Driver, Ricky Gervais & Benedict Cumberbatch on his regular BBC 5 Live show. He’s recently written a book, Let’s Talk: How To Have Better Conversations - based on what he’s learnt through his job, which we’ll be discussing as part of this episode. 

We discuss, among other things:

• How the David Lloyd became Nihal's creative haven when he was writing his book
• Nihal's love of long, solitary drives
• The value of taking time to do nothing
• 'Quiet quitting'
• How male loneliness comes around – and why we need to talk more about it
• The complicated business of male friendships

You can order Nihal's latest book, Let's Talk: How to Have Better Conversations, now from Bookshop.org. 

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon, Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

Twitter:

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@ChezSpecter

@TherealNihal

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Instagram:

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@ChezSpecter

@therealnihal

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Contact: [email protected]

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Another week, another bitesize mini-episode from Alonement archives. This conversation with journalist and author Daisy Buchanan comes from the first season of Alonement, recorded in person at my flat in November 2019. Before pivoting towards writing books, Daisy worked as an agony aunt for Grazia magazine, answering reader questions around everything from work to relationships. We discuss the philosophy underlying all of her advice: that, actually, her role was to empower people to recognise their own capacity for self-knowledge, and to, in the least woo-woo way possible, realise that they had the answers within them. As ever, Daisy is kind, soothing and wise in this clip - I hope you enjoy listening.

Twitter: @ChezSpecter @NotRollerGirl

Instagram: @ChezSpecter @alonementofficial @thedaisybee

Get in touch: [email protected]

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This week I have the absolute pleasure of speaking to one of my favourite authors, Holly Bourne. After beginning her novel-writing career in the young adult genre, Holly has released three brilliant titles for adults over the past few years, which are full of wise reflections on relationships, navigating social pressure and recovering from trauma. She’s influenced, in part, by the five years she spent working as an online agony aunt for a youth charity, specialising in relationships and mental health, and her present role as the youth ambassador for Women’s Aid. Her honest, empathetic writing has made me, and so many other that I know, feel less alone – saying that, I can’t wait to see what she has to say about alone time, and what it means to her.

We discuss, among other things:

• Why her heroines' 'happy endings' always involve them finding a greater degree of love for themselves
• How Holly learnt to enjoy taking herself out for dinner
• How female friendship can offer a 'safe space' away from the male gaze
• The challenge of adjusting to a new relationship after being happily-single for a period

You can order Holly's latest book, Girlfriends, now on Bookshop.org.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon and Waterstones.

Thank you so much to Flash Pack for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Flash Pack is a travel company that offers boutique group adventures for solo travellers in their 30s and 40s. Visit flashpack.com/alonement to learn more and quote ALONEMENT at check-out for £100 off your first trip.

Twitter:

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@ChezSpecter

@hollybourne_YA

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Instagram:

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@ChezSpecter

@hollybourneya

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Contact: [email protected]

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