Alonement

My guest this week is Anita Bhagwandas, an award winning beauty director, and more recently the author of Ugly: Giving Us Back Our Beauty Standards, a book that examines the damaging impact of narrow beauty ideals and serves as a brilliant manifesto towards a more inclusive attitude. The book explores the importance of practising self care on your own terms, not what the beauty industry tells you - something Anita knows a lot about after 15 years in the industry. Anita also lives alone in London, like me, and we discuss the creative joys of cooking for one, getting to plan a week that perfectly balances quiet night doing laundry with going out to gigs with friends - something Anita loves – plus an honest discussion of why getting flaked on can affect you much harder when you’re single or live alone.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

• Alone time preferences can vary from person to person, and it is important to find a balance that works for you.
• Self-care is not about buying things or following trends; it is about understanding what truly nourishes and rejuvenates you.
• The commodification of self-care has led to a misconception that it requires expensive products or activities, when in reality, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes for yourself.
• It is important to advocate for yourself and communicate your needs to others, especially when it comes to making plans and canceling.
• Cooking for oneself can be an act of self-care, and it is important to challenge the notion that it is not worth it to cook for one person.
• Don't just follow beauty trends or societal expectations, choose makeup and beauty routines that bring you joy and creativity.
• Alone time can be an escape from beauty standards and an opportunity to embrace your natural self.
• Choose what beauty work brings you joy and let go of the tasks that feel tedious or unnecessary.
• Journaling and checking in with yourself can be a valuable practice for self-reflection and self-care.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction and Speed Friending

02:14

Being Good at Time Alone

03:10

Introverts and Only Children

05:39

Alone Time During the Pandemic

08:05

Journalist Mode in Social Situations

11:12

Solo Hobbies

15:31

Changing Relationship with Alone Time

18:04

The Myth of Self-Care

27:57

Counteracting Myths Around Self-Care

32:30

Navigating External Reinforcement of Self-Care

35:08

Overcoming Only-Me-ism in Cooking

36:45

The Joy of Cooking and Makeup

38:20

The Danger of Makeup as a Tool to Hide

39:17

Rediscovering the Joy and Creativity of Makeup

40:30

The Solo Process of Makeup and Self-Criticism

41:35

Cooking for Yourself vs. Cooking for Others

43:58

Escaping Beauty Standards in Alone Time

44:49

Choosing What Beauty Work to Enjoy

47:25

Picking and Choosing What Makes You Feel Good

48:21

Alonement: Journalling and Checking In with Yourself

49:36

The Joy of Writing in a Nice Notebook

You can follow Anita Bhagwandas' Substack at anitabhagwandas.substack.com, and mine at francescaspecter.substack.com

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In this episode, Jessica Pan discusses her book 'Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come' and her journey of embracing extroversion. As we discuss on the show, Jessica is almost the opposite to me – she’s an introvert who learnt to be more extraverted, whereas I started exploring Alonement as a means of dealing with my fear, as an extrovert, of being alone. She tells me about her journey to embrace solo travel, socialising with strangers and making new friends, all with the help of her 'extrovert mentors'. What this following episode touches on is the importance of balance and choice around how we spend our alone time, plus how learning to integrate more connection in your life can help you fall back in love with your solitude. We also touch on the loneliness of big cities, particularly London, and how Jessica has managed to curate her own tiny village within the UK capital. Jessica also talks about starting her Substack newsletter, It'll Be Fun, They Said, based on part-time job working in a local independent bookshop. Finally, she shares her favourite kinds of alone time, which involves reading by the ocean and journaling in a cafe.

Takeaways

• Embracing alone time can be a luxurious and fulfilling experience when it is a choice.
• Working in a bookshop can be enchanting and provide opportunities for meaningful connections with customers.
• Journaling is a valuable tool for self-reflection and understanding one's thoughts and feelings.
• Solo travel can be challenging but can also provide opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery.
• Having extrovert mentors can provide guidance and support in navigating social situations.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction and Background

02:21

Different Journeys, Same Goal

03:42

The Fluidity of Introversion and Extroversion

04:10

The Pleasure of Working in a Bookshop

05:31

Starting the Substack Newsletter

06:30

Choosing Pleasure and Storytelling

08:25

The Enchantment of Working in a Bookshop

09:50

The Joy of Working in a Bookshop

10:46

The Aspirational Lifestyle of Working in a Bookshop

11:02

Balancing Work and Alone Time

12:57

The Privilege and Prison of Being Alone

13:57

Choosing to Be Alone

14:25

The Nuance of Enjoying Alone Time

15:24

The Universal Loneliness Problem

16:48

The Counterintuitive Decision to Be an Extrovert

17:18

The Loneliness of Metropolitan Life

19:10

The Surprise Solo Travel Experience

23:12

The Challenges of Solo Travel

25:08

The Benefit of Extrovert Mentors

32:50

Favorite Extrovert Adventures

36:36

Gaining Compassion for Introverted Parts

40:05

Tips for Spending Time Alone

45:27

Appreciating Introverted Parts of Yourself

46:26

Creating a Village in the City

49:21

Curating a Community

51:17

Creating Connections

52:15

Favourite Alone Time

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

You can follow Jessica Pan's Substack at jesspan.substack.com, and my own at francescaspecter.substack.com

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My guest on this week’s episode is Poppy Jay, best known as the co-host of Brown Girls Do It Too, which won Podcast of the Year at the British Podcast Awards 2020. She’s also a BAFTA-nominated documentary maker, devoted to chronicling difficult, real-life stories for BBC Three and Channel 4. But she’s also been honest about her own: after entering an arranged marriage at the age of 19, Poppy got divorced at 25 – and has spent the past decade exploring her identity. In a Times interview earlier this year, she said – ’I’m 37 and and my whole life has been riddled with shame. Now I try to live by confronting it and owning it.’ And that’s exactly what she does in this episode – we talk about everything from the self-knowledge that comes from being alone, doing nothing, to why Poppy’s trying to be more honest for her need to be by herself after casual sex – and the unexpected beauty of a mutual, respectful break-up in your 30s.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

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'That's the root of perfectionism: that chronic deficit thinking, the belief that we're not good enough. That we're not attractive enough, smart enough, fit enough, whatever it might be. In order to compensate for those feelings, we project on to the world a perfect persona that we feel like everybody wants to see – that we should be, essentially. And it's exhausting if you have to keep that up in every single interaction.'

Welcome back to another season of Alonement. My first guest on this season is Dr Thomas Curran, a world leading expert on perfectionism and the author of The Perfection Trap: The Power Of Good Enough In A World That Always Wants More. Endorsed by the likes of Adam Grant and, more recently, Gwyneth Paltrow, The Perfection Trap is the culmination of years of academic research, interwoven with other expert voices, and as well as being rooted in academia it’s also chatty, engaging and honest, which was not something I expected from an academic text. In this conversation, we chat about the relationship between alone time and perfectionism. This includes how solitude can sometimes be used as a space to recover from perfectionism, for practising a hobby that you’re not, technically, very good at – purely for the joy of it. But also the danger of bringing your own perfectionist tendencies along, like trying to get a PB every time you go for a solo run. We also touch on the potential loneliness of relocating you have to do as an academic professor – or any lifestyle, like digital nomadism, that involves rootlessness and moving around a lot. Finally, we discuss how time outside – specifically cycling in nature – is Thom’s favourite kind of alonement, and how sometimes finding joy in solitude can come to our rescue in our lowest moments. 

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device (you can also use the code ALONEMENT at checkout).

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You can’t really love anyone until you love yourself. While we see this a lot on Instagram, it’s something that actually requires a lot of exploration – and it’s my guest this week, the bestselling author and mind coach Vex King, that many of us have turned to over the past few years to teach us the true power of self-love, through his books, first in 2018’s Good Vibes, Good Life and later in 2021’s Healing is the New High. Now, Vex is back with his new title – Closer To Love – an essential guide to bringing those lessons into dating and romantic relationships. In this episode, he shares a little sample platter of that wisdom. We discuss everything from how Vex’s difficult upbringing made him the person he is today - how he’s navigated what he calls the verb, or action, that is love, in his own relationship with his wife. Finally, a fresh approach to self-love: how to demonstrate it to yourself through actions, and how to self-love if you’re looking for a relationship but haven’t found one yet. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Vex’s understanding of love as something that exists ‘within you’ [5:31]
• How self-love can help us identify healthy relationship dynamics [7:58]
• ‘Healing’ in a relationship versus outside of a relationship [15:25]
• The distinction between ‘mature’ and ‘immature’ love [25:32]
• How to show yourself love through your actions [30:30]
• Vex’s journey towards self-acceptance after being bullied for his voice [40:23]
• Why daily meditation is Vex’s alonement [48:02]

Cultural references from our conversation:

• The concept of immature versus mature love, originating in Eric Fromm’s book The Art of Loving
• ‘Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving’, a quote from bell hooks’ All About Love
• ‘You can’t heal what you don’t reveal’, from the song ‘Kill Jay-Z’ by Jay-Z

You can purchase all of Vex King’s books from Vexking.com

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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My guest this week is Women Without Kids author, Ruby Warrington. We're are at a fascinating time in history – where, both in the UK, US, and across almost every developed nation like Switzerland, Italy, Japan and South Korea, adults are having children later in life – or, indeed, not at all. While statistics vary, it is a recognised trend – and that trend is relevant to all of us whether we have children now or in the future, or don’t. Author Ruby Warrington, for this week’s episode, has tackled that subject in her latest book, Women Without Kids – a timely non-fiction investigation into what it means to be, as it says on the tin, a woman without children today, with the help of expert insights from philosophers, anthropologists, social scientists and other writers. This is naturally a topic that lends itself an alonement slant, too – we all know that parenthood isn’t exactly famed for its abundant alone time, but what about a life, and heterosexual relationship, that takes place without it? Ruby, who is now in her mid-forties and has been with her husband Simon for over 20 years, shares the answers to that question, and many more – offering so many insightful perspectives into being childfree by choice.

We discuss, among other things:

• Why alone, for Ruby, means ‘sovereignty’ [3:57]
• The value of having strong connections in your life as insurance against loneliness [8:30]
• The link between Ruby’s introversion and her choice to be childfree [11:54]
• Why alone time is important in Ruby’s marriage [15:04]
• How Ruby envied her father’s lifestyle growing up [21:39]
• Ruby’s experience of abortion [29:32]
• When Ruby questioned whether she did want kids [35:09]
• Chosen families and ‘other mothers’ [39:18]
• What Ruby gained through the process of writing her latest book
• Ruby’s favourite kind of alone time [47:47]

You can purchase Women Without Kids from all good bookshops, and online.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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Donna Lancaster is a coach and therapist, best known as the co-creator of The Bridge, a retreat designed to help attendees navigate grief and loss, and the author of a book of the same name. More recently, Donna has published a pocket book called Wise Words for Women, full of advice on how to live a rewarding, connected life. I know we hear a lot of these buzzwords like authenticity and pain, but equally I think what a lot of us are searching for day to day is that person who emanates gentle, universal wisdom, that comforting phrase that catches you at the right time. Donna refers to herself as a ‘trainee elder’, and to those she touches with her work, that’s what she is. This is a conversation about how to find wonder and creativity in alone time; how to connect with nature; and just generally how to find a bit more joy in our lives. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Why Donna feels most authentic when she is alone [3:53]
• Donna’s struggle with loneliness growing up [6:31]
• How Donna’s relationship with nature makes her feel more connected to the world [12:!6]
• Are you a mountain person, a sea person or a forest person? Donna believes we all have a ‘natural leaning’ [19:08]
• How to have a ‘Date with Wonder’ [24:40]
• Why wealth can make you feel lonelier, according to Donna [28:39]
• Is loneliness something we should accept in our lives? [39:30]
• Donna’s love of colouring books as an alone time activity [45:19]

You can purchase Donna’s latest book, Wise Words for Women, now online and in bookstores.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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This week’s guest is author Naoise Dolan. I am absolutely thrilled to have Naoise on this season – she’s widely consider of the millennial generation’s most talented writers, ever since her Sunday Times bestseller debut novel Exciting Times was published in 2020. It’s currently being adapted into an Amazon Studios TV production starring Phoebe Dynevor. We’re here to discuss her hotly anticipated follow up book, The Happy Couple, which is a sort of anti-rom counting down to the wedding of a boy and girl who probably shouldn’t get married. During this recording, we chat about Naoise’s experiences of being an expat in Berlin – where she’s lived less than a year. Fans of Naoise, who is originally from Dublin, will know that she is no stranger to the experience of living abroad – her first book, Exciting Times, was heavily inspired by her own expat experience living in Hong Kong, while she’s also lived in Singapore and Italy. From an alone time perspective, this is an interesting position to be in – and Naoise describes how this sense of being a foreigner has enabled some of the incredibly perceptive social observation in her writing. We also discuss Naoise’s autism diagnosis, and how it might or might not reflect itself in her writing – plus, whether framing writing as ‘neurodivergent’ is useful in the first place. I found Naoise incredibly thoughtful and intelligent – she has a dark sense of humour, which I really appreciate, and she has one of the best laughs I’ve ever heard on this podcast. I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Naoise’s decision to relocate to Berlin [4:56]
• Navigating cultural differences as an autistic person [9:01]
• Why Naoise structured her book around a wedding narrative [19:25]
• Main character syndrome, in relation to Naoise’s protagonist Celine [24:08]
• Naoise’s characters’ self-sabotaging tendencies (in The Happy Couple & Exciting Times) [30:26]
• How Naoise’s neurodiverse perspective influences her writing [34:23]
• Naoise’s love of drawing in her alone time [38:30]

You can purchase Naoise’s book, The Happy Couple, now online and in bookstores.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content. My book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, expires 31st August 2023.

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My guest for this week’s episode is podcaster and author Caggie Dunlop, whom you might also recognise as a former cast member on the rather well known reality show called Made in Chelsea. Caggie has since reached a whole different audience. Her show Saturn Returns – which explores the coming of age happens somewhere around your late twenties and early thirties – has united a community as they navigate the shared challenges and opportunities that come with this age. I discovered the show last year – unsurprisingly, just as I was coming into this life stage – and was lucky enough to be Caggie’s guest on an episode released this May. Afterwards, Caggie generously agreed to come on and talk all things alone time with me – together with discussing her debut book, a memoir meets guidebook co-written with astrology expert Noura Bourni. In this episode, we talk about everything from the loneliness that Caggie faced when she pursed her singing career in LA, to, on the more positive side, how to navigate the vulnerable early stages of a blossoming relationship in a healthy way. I also ask Caggie how solo holidays work out when you’re a recognisable former reality TV star. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Why Caggie describes herself as ‘a bit of a recluse’ [4:45]
• Independence vs. codependency in a romantic relationship [7:25]
• Why alone time was a ‘sanctuary’ for Caggie, growing up [10:10]
• The definition of ‘Saturn Return’ [19:19]
• How Caggie’s own ‘Saturn Return’ let to a career pivot [25:31]
• The power of the ‘slow burn’ when entering a relationship [32:09]
• Navigating anxious attachment [35:52]
• Caggie’s recent solo mini break [39:40]

You can purchase Caggie’s book, Saturn Returns, now – while her podcast of the same name is available to listen to wherever you get your podcast.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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This week's guest is Adam Gopnik, a long-standing staff writer at the New Yorker, and the award-winning author of a frankly intimidating number of books, most recently The Real Work: On the Mystery of Mastery, which explores the process of learning a new skill. And then there was his recent Hollywood debut – those who’ve seen Oscar-winning film Tar might have also spotted Adam playing himself, as an interviewer, alongside Cate Blanchett in the film’s opening scene. Today, we’re talking about solitude – and how it’s played out in Adam’s writing career and life more broadly. As a true New Yorker, Adam tells me how his version of alone time manages to integrate a great deal of companionship too, from his love of working amid the hustle & bustle of others in his office days to the more collaborative strands of his career, including writing for musical theatre. Alone time, for Adam, is best spent pacing around a crowded city listening to what he still still refers to as a walkman – alone in a crowd. He also shares with me how his childhood, growing up as one of six in a crowded noisy house, has shaped his love of being around others in modern life. Finally, we discuss the beauty of solitude as depicted by the art of Edward Hopper – which Adam and I share a love for.

We discuss:

• How Adam’s upbringing primed him to feel most comfortable around the noise of others [4:34]
• His love of walking alone around a city [7:08]
• Adam’s lifelong struggle with insomnia – and how he treats it [10:38]
• Writing routines, and approaching writing like a ‘physical challenge’ [16:30]
• Edward Hopper’s depiction of solitude [26:04]
• The art of ‘social solitude’ in New York [31:34]

References from our conversation:

• Adam Gopnik's 'walkman' playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1oe0WuKABmBtL576sGgW64?si=c45849d6d4a94cef
• The Edward Hopper exhibition at The Whitney, New York
• ‘What sin to me unknown dipp’d in ink’, from Alexander Pope’s Epistle to Dr Arbuthnot
• The Monologue Art Museum

You can purchase all of Adam Gopnik’s books, including The Real Work, at adamgopnik.com/books.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow her personal writing plus podcast bonus content. You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, based on this podcast, from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org. Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions, T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

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