Alonement

Maggie Smith is a poet & writer who found overnight fame when her poem, ‘Good Bones’, went viral on social media in 2016. Later on, her life was to take a further change when her husband of 19 years, and the father of her children, announced he wanted a divorce two years later. Her memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, published in April 2023 – explores the connection between these two events, how become a hit writer led to the breakdown of her marriage – and what could be found in the disruption that followed it all. Throughout it all, Maggie’s love of creativity and solitude has been a constant – something she speaks to me about in this episode. We also talk about finding love in middle age, and the joy of a relationship that’s free from the pressure of milestones.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

• Alone time can be a positive and restorative experience, especially for creative individuals.
• Being in a relationship that is not working can be lonelier than being alone.
• Financial independence and self-sufficiency are important for personal empowerment.
• There is freedom in choosing a relationship without merging lives and milestones.
• Alone time is essential for creativity and self-reflection.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction and Small Talk

03:33

Exploring the Meaning of Alone

04:27

Aloneness as a Positive and Restorative Experience

05:24

The Irony of Being an Introverted Writer

06:24

The Challenges of Being an Introverted Writer in the Public Eye

08:15

Navigating Life After Divorce

09:43

The Loneliness of Incompatible Partnership

10:41

Living Alone vs. Living Without a Partner

11:36

The Myth of Partnership Solving Loneliness

13:29

The Shift in Attitudes Towards Being Alone

14:52

The Impact of Age on Relationship Choices

16:13

The Pressure to Settle Down and Have Children

17:32

Financial Independence and Self-Sufficiency

18:45

The Liberation of Not Racing Through Relationship Milestones

19:58

The Freedom of Choosing a Relationship Without Merging Lives

21:20

Balancing Independence and Vulnerability

22:48

The Lack of Cultural Models for Non-Traditional Relationships

23:44

The Beauty of Constant Companionship

24:43

The Negative Side of Hyper-Independence

25:39

The Importance of Alone Time for Creativity

27:29

Learning to Accept Help and Support

28:54

Returning to a Special Place for Solitude

31:43

The Restorative Power of Writing Alone

33:09

The Impact of Professional Success on Relationships

35:31

The Evolution of Creativity After Having Children

39:21

The Joy of Having Unstructured Alone Time

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There are certain rites of passage that take place after a major break-up. For some, it’s a hair-cut or a big solo trip, or a regrettable rebound with someone the polar opposite of your ex. My guest this week, Alice Vincent, departed from the cliches: for her, it was growing plants. In her partly autobiographical books, Rootbound and more recently Why Women Grow, Alice chronicles how she came to growing plants as a way to heal and regain a sense of control after a break-up in her late twenties. As her life has changed – Alice is now married with her first child – gardening has remained a constant for her. In this episode, we discuss how Alice has navigated the changes of the past seven years, how gardening has allowed her to maintain a version of independence throughout it, and why she never feels lonely while out in the garden. Later, Alice also shares her tips for beginning your gardening journey by yourself, whether it’s just growing herbs on a windowsill, using a balcony space or joining a community garden. 

Takeaways

• Alone time can be a valuable and fulfilling experience, allowing for personal growth and self-reflection.
• Creating personal space, whether through gardening or other activities, can provide a sense of independence and freedom.
• Navigating relationships and sharing space with a partner requires constant communication and a willingness to compromise.
• Taking time alone, whether through solo trips or dedicated alone time at home, can be rejuvenating and empowering.

00:00

Introduction

04:34

Transition to Writing

06:27

Exploring Alonement

07:43

Defining Alone

09:38

Aloneness in Different Life Stages

10:35

The Luxury of Alone Time

13:04

Navigating Alone Time

14:28

Themes in Rootbound and Why Women Grow

15:21

Finding Solace in Gardening

19:46

Creating Space for Oneself

20:46

Gardening as a Solitary Activity

24:41

The Meditative Nature of Gardening

27:03

Living with a Partner and Maintaining Independence

30:16

The Ambivalence of Sharing Space

34:32

Choosing Relationships on One's Own Terms

38:52

Creating Personal Space

43:37

Tips for Starting a Growing Journey

47:21

Taking Time Alone

50:07

Ultimate Alone Time

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Leslie Stephens is the writer behind Morning Person, a top 10 Substack newsletter that chronicles her life in Portland, Oregon. In August last year, shortly after her 30th birthday, Leslie announced to her readers that she was separating from her husband. Over the past 18 months, she’s chronicled her journey of living by herself for the first time, including her recent solo house purchase – which we chat about in this episode. She also shares her advice – as a former food and lifestyle editor – of establishing a home by yourself, and – crucially – for yourself, rather than designing around the absence of someone else. Whether or not you’re already familiar with Leslie’s work, this conversation is full of gems for any kind of solo living – I hope you get as much from it as I did.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device. This season of Alonement was edited by Pineapple Audio Production.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction

01:00

Learning to Make a Home for One

02:25

Designing a Home as a Solo Liver

05:22

The Challenges and Mistakes of Designing Alone

06:47

Designing with a Partner vs Designing Alone

10:59

The Lack of Resources for Solo Living

11:55

Creating Content for Solo Living

13:17

Making Changes in a Solo Living Space

14:44

The Importance of Solitude in Designing a Home

19:44

The Lack of Resources for Designing a First Home Alone

21:08

Building a New Relationship with a Parent

22:32

Navigating the Grey Areas of Life

25:16

Coping with Weekends and Sundays Alone

27:07

Finding Joy in Cooking for One

32:29

Creating Recipes and Experimenting with Cooking Alone

38:11

The Inspiration Behind the Novel 'You're Safe Here'

46:26

Maintaining Solitude in a Relationship

47:45

The Ultimate Alonement: Movement and Stillness

10:00

The Importance of Self-Awareness

20:00

The Role of External Validation

30:00

Navigating Comparison and Social Media

40:00

The Impact of Internal Dialogue

48:40

Conclusion

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Getting engaged to your partner is typically a time for celebration. But for today’s guest Max Dickins, it was …. more complicated. As he prepared to propose to his girlfriend, Naomi, he had an uncomfortable revelation: he couldn’t think of anyone to ask to be his best man. This prompted a personal crisis for the writer and comedian – one which inspired him to address the dwindling friendship connections in his own life …… and to investigate the topic of male mental health and loneliness more. The result was his brilliant non-fiction book, Billy No Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem.

This is a wide-ranging discussion, which actually opens with a chat about the romance of solitude – sometimes Max has always valued, but once used as an excuse for why he sometimes had no one to see at weekends. We also cover gendered attitudes towards both solitude and loneliness, which was really interesting and definitely opened my eyes. I hope you enjoy listening.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

• Solitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.
• Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.
• Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.
• The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.
• Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.
• Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.

Chapters

00:00 Introduction and Background

03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude

06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude

09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude

10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude

12:00 The Social Biome and Balance

15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men

20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning

23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection

29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact

34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude

38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation

With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

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My guest this week is Anita Bhagwandas, an award winning beauty director, and more recently the author of Ugly: Giving Us Back Our Beauty Standards, a book that examines the damaging impact of narrow beauty ideals and serves as a brilliant manifesto towards a more inclusive attitude. The book explores the importance of practising self care on your own terms, not what the beauty industry tells you - something Anita knows a lot about after 15 years in the industry. Anita also lives alone in London, like me, and we discuss the creative joys of cooking for one, getting to plan a week that perfectly balances quiet night doing laundry with going out to gigs with friends - something Anita loves – plus an honest discussion of why getting flaked on can affect you much harder when you’re single or live alone.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

Takeaways

• Alone time preferences can vary from person to person, and it is important to find a balance that works for you.
• Self-care is not about buying things or following trends; it is about understanding what truly nourishes and rejuvenates you.
• The commodification of self-care has led to a misconception that it requires expensive products or activities, when in reality, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes for yourself.
• It is important to advocate for yourself and communicate your needs to others, especially when it comes to making plans and canceling.
• Cooking for oneself can be an act of self-care, and it is important to challenge the notion that it is not worth it to cook for one person.
• Don't just follow beauty trends or societal expectations, choose makeup and beauty routines that bring you joy and creativity.
• Alone time can be an escape from beauty standards and an opportunity to embrace your natural self.
• Choose what beauty work brings you joy and let go of the tasks that feel tedious or unnecessary.
• Journaling and checking in with yourself can be a valuable practice for self-reflection and self-care.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction and Speed Friending

02:14

Being Good at Time Alone

03:10

Introverts and Only Children

05:39

Alone Time During the Pandemic

08:05

Journalist Mode in Social Situations

11:12

Solo Hobbies

15:31

Changing Relationship with Alone Time

18:04

The Myth of Self-Care

27:57

Counteracting Myths Around Self-Care

32:30

Navigating External Reinforcement of Self-Care

35:08

Overcoming Only-Me-ism in Cooking

36:45

The Joy of Cooking and Makeup

38:20

The Danger of Makeup as a Tool to Hide

39:17

Rediscovering the Joy and Creativity of Makeup

40:30

The Solo Process of Makeup and Self-Criticism

41:35

Cooking for Yourself vs. Cooking for Others

43:58

Escaping Beauty Standards in Alone Time

44:49

Choosing What Beauty Work to Enjoy

47:25

Picking and Choosing What Makes You Feel Good

48:21

Alonement: Journalling and Checking In with Yourself

49:36

The Joy of Writing in a Nice Notebook

You can follow Anita Bhagwandas' Substack at anitabhagwandas.substack.com, and mine at francescaspecter.substack.com

With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In this episode, Jessica Pan discusses her book 'Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come' and her journey of embracing extroversion. As we discuss on the show, Jessica is almost the opposite to me – she’s an introvert who learnt to be more extraverted, whereas I started exploring Alonement as a means of dealing with my fear, as an extrovert, of being alone. She tells me about her journey to embrace solo travel, socialising with strangers and making new friends, all with the help of her 'extrovert mentors'. What this following episode touches on is the importance of balance and choice around how we spend our alone time, plus how learning to integrate more connection in your life can help you fall back in love with your solitude. We also touch on the loneliness of big cities, particularly London, and how Jessica has managed to curate her own tiny village within the UK capital. Jessica also talks about starting her Substack newsletter, It'll Be Fun, They Said, based on part-time job working in a local independent bookshop. Finally, she shares her favourite kinds of alone time, which involves reading by the ocean and journaling in a cafe.

Takeaways

• Embracing alone time can be a luxurious and fulfilling experience when it is a choice.
• Working in a bookshop can be enchanting and provide opportunities for meaningful connections with customers.
• Journaling is a valuable tool for self-reflection and understanding one's thoughts and feelings.
• Solo travel can be challenging but can also provide opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery.
• Having extrovert mentors can provide guidance and support in navigating social situations.

Chapters

00:00

Introduction and Background

02:21

Different Journeys, Same Goal

03:42

The Fluidity of Introversion and Extroversion

04:10

The Pleasure of Working in a Bookshop

05:31

Starting the Substack Newsletter

06:30

Choosing Pleasure and Storytelling

08:25

The Enchantment of Working in a Bookshop

09:50

The Joy of Working in a Bookshop

10:46

The Aspirational Lifestyle of Working in a Bookshop

11:02

Balancing Work and Alone Time

12:57

The Privilege and Prison of Being Alone

13:57

Choosing to Be Alone

14:25

The Nuance of Enjoying Alone Time

15:24

The Universal Loneliness Problem

16:48

The Counterintuitive Decision to Be an Extrovert

17:18

The Loneliness of Metropolitan Life

19:10

The Surprise Solo Travel Experience

23:12

The Challenges of Solo Travel

25:08

The Benefit of Extrovert Mentors

32:50

Favorite Extrovert Adventures

36:36

Gaining Compassion for Introverted Parts

40:05

Tips for Spending Time Alone

45:27

Appreciating Introverted Parts of Yourself

46:26

Creating a Village in the City

49:21

Curating a Community

51:17

Creating Connections

52:15

Favourite Alone Time

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

You can follow Jessica Pan's Substack at jesspan.substack.com, and my own at francescaspecter.substack.com

With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest on this week’s episode is Poppy Jay, best known as the co-host of Brown Girls Do It Too, which won Podcast of the Year at the British Podcast Awards 2020. She’s also a BAFTA-nominated documentary maker, devoted to chronicling difficult, real-life stories for BBC Three and Channel 4. But she’s also been honest about her own: after entering an arranged marriage at the age of 19, Poppy got divorced at 25 – and has spent the past decade exploring her identity. In a Times interview earlier this year, she said – ’I’m 37 and and my whole life has been riddled with shame. Now I try to live by confronting it and owning it.’ And that’s exactly what she does in this episode – we talk about everything from the self-knowledge that comes from being alone, doing nothing, to why Poppy’s trying to be more honest for her need to be by herself after casual sex – and the unexpected beauty of a mutual, respectful break-up in your 30s.

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

'That's the root of perfectionism: that chronic deficit thinking, the belief that we're not good enough. That we're not attractive enough, smart enough, fit enough, whatever it might be. In order to compensate for those feelings, we project on to the world a perfect persona that we feel like everybody wants to see – that we should be, essentially. And it's exhausting if you have to keep that up in every single interaction.'

Welcome back to another season of Alonement. My first guest on this season is Dr Thomas Curran, a world leading expert on perfectionism and the author of The Perfection Trap: The Power Of Good Enough In A World That Always Wants More. Endorsed by the likes of Adam Grant and, more recently, Gwyneth Paltrow, The Perfection Trap is the culmination of years of academic research, interwoven with other expert voices, and as well as being rooted in academia it’s also chatty, engaging and honest, which was not something I expected from an academic text. In this conversation, we chat about the relationship between alone time and perfectionism. This includes how solitude can sometimes be used as a space to recover from perfectionism, for practising a hobby that you’re not, technically, very good at – purely for the joy of it. But also the danger of bringing your own perfectionist tendencies along, like trying to get a PB every time you go for a solo run. We also touch on the potential loneliness of relocating you have to do as an academic professor – or any lifestyle, like digital nomadism, that involves rootlessness and moving around a lot. Finally, we discuss how time outside – specifically cycling in nature – is Thom’s favourite kind of alonement, and how sometimes finding joy in solitude can come to our rescue in our lowest moments. 

Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device (you can also use the code ALONEMENT at checkout).

With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can’t really love anyone until you love yourself. While we see this a lot on Instagram, it’s something that actually requires a lot of exploration – and it’s my guest this week, the bestselling author and mind coach Vex King, that many of us have turned to over the past few years to teach us the true power of self-love, through his books, first in 2018’s Good Vibes, Good Life and later in 2021’s Healing is the New High. Now, Vex is back with his new title – Closer To Love – an essential guide to bringing those lessons into dating and romantic relationships. In this episode, he shares a little sample platter of that wisdom. We discuss everything from how Vex’s difficult upbringing made him the person he is today - how he’s navigated what he calls the verb, or action, that is love, in his own relationship with his wife. Finally, a fresh approach to self-love: how to demonstrate it to yourself through actions, and how to self-love if you’re looking for a relationship but haven’t found one yet. 

We discuss, among other things:

• Vex’s understanding of love as something that exists ‘within you’ [5:31]
• How self-love can help us identify healthy relationship dynamics [7:58]
• ‘Healing’ in a relationship versus outside of a relationship [15:25]
• The distinction between ‘mature’ and ‘immature’ love [25:32]
• How to show yourself love through your actions [30:30]
• Vex’s journey towards self-acceptance after being bullied for his voice [40:23]
• Why daily meditation is Vex’s alonement [48:02]

Cultural references from our conversation:

• The concept of immature versus mature love, originating in Eric Fromm’s book The Art of Loving
• ‘Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving’, a quote from bell hooks’ All About Love
• ‘You can’t heal what you don’t reveal’, from the song ‘Kill Jay-Z’ by Jay-Z

You can purchase all of Vex King’s books from Vexking.com

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

Twitter:

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@ChezSpecter

@vexking

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Instagram:

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@ChezSpecter

@vexking

With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

My guest this week is Women Without Kids author, Ruby Warrington. We're are at a fascinating time in history – where, both in the UK, US, and across almost every developed nation like Switzerland, Italy, Japan and South Korea, adults are having children later in life – or, indeed, not at all. While statistics vary, it is a recognised trend – and that trend is relevant to all of us whether we have children now or in the future, or don’t. Author Ruby Warrington, for this week’s episode, has tackled that subject in her latest book, Women Without Kids – a timely non-fiction investigation into what it means to be, as it says on the tin, a woman without children today, with the help of expert insights from philosophers, anthropologists, social scientists and other writers. This is naturally a topic that lends itself an alonement slant, too – we all know that parenthood isn’t exactly famed for its abundant alone time, but what about a life, and heterosexual relationship, that takes place without it? Ruby, who is now in her mid-forties and has been with her husband Simon for over 20 years, shares the answers to that question, and many more – offering so many insightful perspectives into being childfree by choice.

We discuss, among other things:

• Why alone, for Ruby, means ‘sovereignty’ [3:57]
• The value of having strong connections in your life as insurance against loneliness [8:30]
• The link between Ruby’s introversion and her choice to be childfree [11:54]
• Why alone time is important in Ruby’s marriage [15:04]
• How Ruby envied her father’s lifestyle growing up [21:39]
• Ruby’s experience of abortion [29:32]
• When Ruby questioned whether she did want kids [35:09]
• Chosen families and ‘other mothers’ [39:18]
• What Ruby gained through the process of writing her latest book
• Ruby’s favourite kind of alone time [47:47]

You can purchase Women Without Kids from all good bookshops, and online.

Subscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.

You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.

Thank you to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Their bestselling Dead Sea bath salt range is a skin hero, containing a unique blend of magnesium, calcium and potassium, which is brilliant for protecting and repairing your skin barrier and managing conditions like eczema, psoriasis, acne and sensitive skin. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.

Twitter:

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@ChezSpecter

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Instagram:

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@ChezSpecter

@rubywarrington

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With a one-off payment of £5, you can listen to the Alonement podcast ad-free. https://plus.acast.com/s/alonement.

Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.