US psychologist, Dr Becky Kennedy and author of Good Inside trouble shoots a range of scenarios facing parents, including sibling rivalry, separation anxiety and tantrums. She has 1.6 million followers on Instagram @drbeckyatgoodinside

We've been fed a model of parenting that feels awful and doesn't work, says a US psychologist.

Dr Becky Kennedy is the author of Good Inside which looks at common scenarios facing parents, including sibling rivalry, separation anxiety and tantrums.

She has 1.6 million followers on Instagram @drbeckyatgoodinside

no caption

Listen to the full conversation

The philosophy underpinning her parenting is support, but not permissiveness, she says.

"When our kid, let's say, hits their sibling. Of course, they need us to step in. Of course, they need us to set a boundary, not because they're a bad kid, but because they're a good kid having a hard time, they need us to stop them, to protect them.

"But then if we say; 'go to your room, no TV for a week' What we're really saying to them is, I have no way to help you. I don't know how to give you skills to help you change. All I'm going to do when you're having a hard time is add blame and shame and distance."

She uses the analogy of teaching children to swim.

"Kids don't know how to swim ... but we don't punish them for not swimming.

"And because they can't swim it's not like we throw them into the ocean. We say okay, we start small, we build skills. It's going to take time to develop and then slowly they'll become a stronger swimmer so that they can do something like swimming in the ocean, we teach them skills, we don't punish them for not having skills."

A tantrum over a toy can be handled in a similar way, she says.

"Your five-year-old and your three year old are playing with blocks. And all of a sudden you see your five-year-old, grab the block from their sibling's hand."

Step one is getting in between the children to make sure they're safe, she says.

"What I'm then saying to both kids is I am here, I am your pilot through this turbulence, you are children, you seem to not yet have the skill to manage wanting something and not having it that is frustrating."

The next day, she suggests, playing with the child one on one.

"I'm gonna play blocks with you today. And I'm gonna have your favourite big rectangle block and I want us to practise taking a deep breath, and you moving your body away from me…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details