Clarity on Fire

Calling all fellow bookworms, library nerds, and general lovers of literature — it's time for another book club episode of the podcast!

Whenever there are five Fridays in a month, we devote the extra Friday to a book that we can't get enough of. In this episode we're diving into the New York Times bestseller Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb.

Lori, a therapist, goes through a sudden break-up in her mid-forties which sends her into an existential tailspin. The book is an examination of her experience being on both the giving and receiving ends of therapy. You not only follow along as she peels back the layers on what led her to her own rock bottom, but how a handful of her patients made their way out of their own dark nights of the soul, too.

We talked about …

• Why so many of us believe that feelings are shameful, and why we hide them.
• How unreliable we all are as narrators of our own experience, and how to see yourself more accurately.
• Getting past the "presenting problem" (the problem you think you have) and finding the true root of your issues.
• Differences and similarities between therapy and coaching.
• Achieving "emotional sobriety"—When you don't need to self-medicate (with substances, your phone, romantic partners, etc.) to regulate your feelings.
• The 5 stages of change, and how to recognize when you (and people you care about) are actually ready for help/change.

After you've listened, leave us a comment to let us know which nuggets of wisdom from this book resonated with you most!

HOLIDAY SPECIAL FOR THE PPSC!

Starting Tuesday, December 10 (and ending on the 17th) we're offering a holiday special on The Passion Profile Short Course!

• For that week, the course will be $50 off its usual price.
• Anyone who signs up in that window will get access to a LIVE online workshop with us in January (date TBD) where we'll be answering questions and talking about how to set "anti-resolutions" in the new year (AKA, goals you'll actually stick to).
• AND (this is a big one) anyone who signs up during that window will also get grandfathered into our 2019 coaching rates, and will get a chance to do coaching before we open enrollment again in March!

The PPSC is the easiest place to get started if you're new to Clarity on Fire and need help getting unstuck. It's only 5-ish hours, which means you can sit down and find some career direction in as little as one day.

PAST BOOK CLUB EPISODES

Bonus Book Club! The Wisdom of the Enneagram (Part 1) (August 2019)

Bonus Book Club! The Wisdom of the Enneagram (Part 2) (August 2019)

Bonus Book Club! Dodging Energy Vampires by Christiane Northrup (May 2019)

Bonus Book Club! It's Not Your Money by Tosha Silver (March 2019)

Bonus Book Club! Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver (November 2018)

Bonus Book Club! The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (August 2018)

Bonus Book Club! Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert (June 2018)

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Instead of a new blog, we're taking 30 minutes to update you on two things happening (or about to happen) in the Clarity on Fire universe!

First, for the cool part of the announcement:

Starting Tuesday, December 10 (and ending on the 17th) we're offering a holiday special on The Passion Profile Short Course!

• For that week, the course will be $50 off its usual price.
• Anyone who signs up in that window will get access to a LIVE online workshop with us in January (date TBD) where we'll be answering questions and talking about how to set "anti-resolutions" in the new year (AKA, goals you'll actually stick to).
• AND (this is a big one) anyone who signs up during that window will also get grandfathered into our 2019 coaching rates, and will get a chance to do coaching before we open enrollment again in March!

The PPSC is the easiest place to get started if you're new to Clarity on Fire and need help getting unstuck. It's only 5-ish hours, which means you can sit down and find some career direction in as little as one day.

Tune in to this episode to hear us dive more into why getting clear on your Passion Profile matters so much more than focusing on "finding your passion."

And for the crazy part of the announcement … well, you're just going to have to listen in for that. ;) But let's just say, we're doing something that we thought (and vowed) we'd NEVER do again.

EPISODES YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO NEXT…

Side Chat: The 4 Passion Profiles (December 2018)

Sorting Harry Potter characters by Passion Profile (May 2019)

MORE ABOUT IPEC

Website

Request a session with an Admissions Coach

Watch our grad webinar from October, 2019

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Have you ever been guilty of "painting red flags green?" AKA, trying very hard NOT to see (and actively rationalizing and excusing) someone's questionable patterns and potential deal-breakers so that you can go right on dating them?

Or, as Rachel creepily likes to put it, "dating the same person over and over again, in a different skin-suit."

There's no other way to parse it: Codependence is a B, ya'll. Even if you can see yourself painting red flags green, or dating the same person in a different skin suit, doesn't mean you can stop the pattern in its tracks. The compulsion for love, even if the attempt to get it is actively hurting us, runs deep.

Carla Romo, a dating and relationship coach and this month's expert podcast guest, knows a thing or two about that. So much so, in fact, that she recently published an entire book about breaking free from codependence for good!

We talked with Carla about…

• What codependence actually is, and why most people (literally 90%!) are on the codependent spectrum.
• Signs that you're codependent (and how it shows up in all facets of life, not just romantic relationships).
• Red flags to look out for when you're dating, so that you can avoid getting into an unhealthy relationship with someone who fits your old pattern.
• The most critical things to look for and work on if you want a healthy relationship.

After you've listened, leave a comment to share how this interview landed with you, and if it made you see dating, relationships, and codependency in a new light!

MORE ABOUT CARLA

Carla Romo is a certified dating & relationship coach, author of her new book Contagious Love, and a nationwide speaker. She helps women who feel stuck and stagnant build purpose and confidence in their break-ups, dating life & relationships. Basically, she's your love-life cheerleader, here to watch you win at love at any stage in your relationship.

You can find her at iamcarlaromo.com and on social @iamcarlaromo.

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Have you ever wanted someone to let you off the hook for all the things you don't want to do?

You know, the things that keep nagging at your mind, that you know you should do, but for some reason you just keep procrastinating on.

Wouldn't it be nice if someone just swooped into your life and said, "It's OK, you don't have to do those things anymore. I'm granting you full permission to let them go."

I wish for that all the time.

So, today, allow me to grant you permission to do just that.

It probably sounds like I'm promoting mass laziness … like I'm giving you a free pass to ignore your responsibilities and essentially become a selfish, irresponsible, lazy sloth.

But that's not at all what I'm doing…

After you've listened, come leave a comment over on the blog to let us know what you've been procrastinating doing lately.

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU'LL ALSO LOVE…

Side Chat: How to stop procrastinating (January 2019)

Blog: How to get out of Analysis Paralysis (October 2019)

Blog: You will NEVER be done (August 2019)

INTERESTED IN 1-ON-1 COACHING? JOIN THE WAIT LIST!

We "officially" take on clients 3 times per year — the next round will open up in March 2020!

If you're interested in the possibility of coaching before then, add your name to the wait list and we'll let you know what our availability looks like in the coming weeks and/or months.

And if you want a deeper conversation about our coaching process, listen to our episode from October 8, 2019: Why career coaching has almost nothing to do with your career.

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Remember in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire when Mad-Eye Moody (well, the Death Eater who was impersonating Mad-Eye Moody using Polyjuice Potion) briefly turned Draco Malfoy into a ferret that he bounced around the Great Hall, much to the delight of Harry, Ron, and Hermione?

In half a second Draco was transfigured from an unmanageable problem—a persistent bully and nemesis that the trio shared years of baggage and enmity with—to, as Ron put it, "a great, bouncing ferret."

And even though we can't transfigure out problems that easily, it's not for lack of trying!

In this brand-new side chat, we're getting into the tendency to fixate on a surface-level problem—AKA the smaller thing that feels more manageable—instead of the deeper, less tangible problem that you often feel helpless to solve.

We talked about…

• Examples like fixating on getting a new job because your marriage is failing, or nitpicking your body/image when you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or depressed.
• The 3 red flags that pop up when you're trying to displace your problems.
• What to do when you catch yourself focusing on the wrong problem, and how to get to the root of what's really going on.

After you've listened, leave a comment to let us know what problems you may have been "transfiguring" lately!

INTERESTED IN 1-ON-1 COACHING?

We "officially" take on clients 3 times per year—the next round will open up in March 2020!

If you're interested in the possibility of coaching before then, add your name to the wait list and we'll let you know what our availability looks like.

And if you want a deeper conversation about our coaching process, listen to our episode from October 8, 2019: Why career coaching has almost nothing to do with your career.

EPISODES YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO NEXT…

Side Chat: The 4 Attachment Styles (October 2019)

Side Chat: 7 signs that you're in denial (September 2019)

Sorting Harry Potter characters by Passion Profile (May 2019)

LINKS

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I'll admit, a lot of what motivates me in my writing and coaching can be boiled down to something I'd call "professional outrage."

I know I'm supposed to be non-judgy and infinitely patient. And I am with my clients because they're cool people and they deserve that from me, always.

But there are some things that I straight up loathe. (As in, when I come across them, my eyes narrow and my nostrils flame and I acquire a Draco-Malfoy-worthy sneer.) And while there are many things I could hate on, for now I'm going to focus on only one.

When it comes to looking for a job, here's a sampling of things that ruffle my professional feathers:

• Career articles that purport to have the "5 best things to say" in your cover letter or résumé (or similarly phrased B.S. "list-icles" like this).
• Well-meaning but inexperienced people who give you advice that's more about what they'd do in your situation, not necessarily what you should do.
• Bad career counselors who say they don't know how to help you if you want to do something different than what you're educated or "qualified" for.
• Anyone who claims they know the "exact right things" to say in an interview to get the job.

Just writing this made me angry.

Because nowhere in that list — and I see these things happening to people over and over and over again — is anyone advocating for YOU.

So much conventional career advice is about you shape-shifting and manipulating who you are to "fit in" and become someone that other people want to hire.

I find every bit of mainstream career advice woefully freakin' lackluster. And in my professional outrage, I refuse to let it stand as is.

I've got a pretty damn good case for why you should NEVER alter who you are to get a job.

EPISODES TO CHECK OUT NEXT

A former recruiter tells all (& helps you get hired) with Emily Liou (September 2018)

How to negotiate anything (even if you're a people-pleaser) with Devon Smiley (May 2019)

A master recruiter shares 40 years of job search wisdom with Susan Levine (July 2019)

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Let's be honest: All of us have an inner control freak that likes to surface from time to time (or maybe has fully taken over and is running our lives!).

And it makes sense — we're wired, by nature, to hate uncertainty and want clarity, answers, and a solid plan, preferably before taking any action.

Our inner control freak is trying to quell our anxiety about what's on the horizon, but the need to control everything (and maybe everyone) in our lives ends up creating even more anxiety, because nothing ever goes according to plan.

Caela Gray knows all too well how stressful life can feel when you let your inner control freak run the show. She made the radical decision earlier this year to do less, relax more, and not always have a plan for everything. She was afraid her life would devolve into chaos, but what happened instead was almost magical: her relationships improved, amazing opportunities came out of the blue, and she felt more clear-minded than ever.

Listen in to this week's interview with a normal person as Kristen and Caela talk about…

• Caela's personal history with the need for control and wanting to have all the answers in advance.
• How her inner control freak pushed her into overachieving and constant productivity.
• Her decision earlier this year to slow down, let go of the need to be constantly doing, and allow life to just flow … and what happened as a result.
• How she overcame her fears about letting go of control and needing a plan for everything.
• How she recognizes when her inner control freak is rearing its head again, and what she does in response.

After you've listened, leave a comment to let us know how Caela's story resonated with you.

MORE ABOUT CAELA

An old soul in the body of a twenty-one-year-old, Caela is a third-year university student, who loves nothing more than a cinnamon-sprinkled cappuccino and intimate conversation. The transition to college was…rocky, but afforded ample time to get to the bottom of self-limiting beliefs and starting down a path that encompassed her values. After 10 major changes (settled on French Studies), study abroad, solo travel, Brenè Brown Ted talks, and a little help from Clarity on Fire, joining the working world now seems a lot less overwhelming. Feeling not quite satisfied with her formal education, Caela leaned into her entrepreneurial spirit and recently co-founded Dear Curiosity, a personalized travel itinerary planning business, and is beginning coursework for her professional coaching certification in November (shoutout to iPEC!). As an INTJ, Firestarter, Enneagram type 1, highly sensitive, ambitious, young woman, Caela understands the struggle of feeling a bit like an outsider. But, finding the courage to practice vulnerability and give herself permission to just be, has revitalized her life in the most unexpected ways.

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU'LL ALSO LOVE…

How you can stop freaking out about not knowing the future (April 2019)

Ditching your perfectionism with Terece Hahn (October 2018)

Treating life like a magical scavenger hunt with Francisca Hernandez (November 2018)

Blog: You will never be done (August 2019)

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I have this fantasy of one day having a life where everything is in perfect balance.

I'm putting out quality work, exercising daily, nurturing all of my relationships, getting plenty of sleep, making smart financial decisions, maintaining a clean home, making green juices every morning and healthy meals every night, and leaving plenty of time for fun and relaxation. And eventually I imagine adding kids and pets into the equation (without disrupting the balance of everything else, of course).

Intellectually, I know this is unrealistic, but I can't help that a small part of me still hopes this fantasy will come true.

Can you relate?

I'm reluctantly realizing that, as long as I stay attached to the myth of a perfectly balanced life, I'll always be slightly critical of my current, imbalanced, messy life, judging it for what it *should* be.

So I've decided I need to take a good, hard look at this whole "balance" thing and shift my mindset around it once and for all. Otherwise, my longing for a perfectly balanced life will perpetually steal any contentment I could be feeling with my life just as it is.

Here are 4 hard truths that I've come to believe about balance…

After you've listened, come leave us a comment over on the blog to let us know all your thoughts about what it means to live a balanced life.

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU'LL ALSO LOVE…

How to make your own Rules for Sane Living (August 2018)

My go-to move for getting out of overwhelm (July 2019)

Moving past the worst years of your life with Lauren Mowbray (February 2019)

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Welcome to another episode of Dear Krachel, a monthly advice segment where we answer audience questions about life, career, relationships, existential angst, and anything that helps you become a more whole, fulfilled version of yourself.

On this episode, we're answering questions from:

• Muddled Muggle, who heard our Enneagram series back in August and had a shocking realization that she's not the personality type she'd assumed she was for years! Is this normal? Can someone's personality type change? And what does it mean if it does?
• LaLa, who's struggling to enter into a healthy relationship because of baggage she has around men, thanks in large part to her upbringing and questionable cultural messages. How can she change her distorted beliefs about men and have a healthy relationship?
• Laura, who's in a bit of a lurch after she left her job with plans to move abroad, but then the timeline of the move got pushed back to 2020. She doesn't want to blow through her savings, but she also doesn't want to start a new job only to bail after a few months. Is temping her only option? Or are there more creative ways to bridge the financial gap?

After you've listened, leave us a comment to let us know how our advice for these three listeners resonated with you!

Want to submit a question for our December episode of Dear Krachel? Fill out this form and you might hear us tackle your Q!

EPISODES TO CHECK OUT NEXT

Bonus Book Club! The Wisdom of the Enneagram (Part 1) (August 2019)

Bonus Book Club! The Wisdom of the Enneagram (Part 2) (August 2019)

Taking a year-long sabbatical from work with Francine Mends (September 2019)

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Alison Armstrong

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There's a time and place for more grounded, astute, in-depth reflections about life and what to do about your problems (that's what blogs and, you know, every other episode of this podcast are for). But sometimes you just need a good, righteous rant. It's cathartic!

So, every once in a while, instead of writing a new blog or republishing an old one, I'm going to spend a few minutes getting fired up about something, in the hopes that I'll get you fired up, too, and maybe even snap you out of whatever daze you've found yourself in.

Today I'm ranting about the fact that, no duh, life is hard, people! And you deserve a lot more credit for maneuvering through the difficulty than you're giving yourself. I got into…

• Why you're allowed to be appalled by the amount of work you have to do to be a functioning human.
• Why feeling bad about "first world problems" isn't necessary.
• Some major signs that our society is NOT handling the pressure and expectations of a modern work/life very well.
• Why you should give yourself permission to take it easier and be just a tad nicer to yourself.
• And, just for fun, which Downton Abbey characters Kristen and I are most like (spoilers for Downton Abbey, I guess? … but seriously, I cannot understand you if you haven't watched this show).

After you've listened, leave a comment to let me know what you think of this installment of Rachel Rants, and what you might like me to rant about next!

LISTEN TO THE FIRST EPISODE OF RACHEL RANTS

Rachel Rants: Being smart is NOT that important (September 2019)

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