As an introvert, I love alone time. It recharges me and keeps me sane. But "alone" is a different sensation than "lonely," and I've all too often felt lonely, even though I enjoy being alone.

Being alone can be thrilling and energizing, mostly because it's a luxury that we don't always have when we live or work with other people. It's like going on vacation—the reason it's enjoyable is precisely because there's a time limit. Going on a permanent vacation would be boring and purposeless.

But loneliness isn't at all dependent on who is or isn't physically around you. It's a form of isolation that you carry with you; sometimes it's worse because you're surrounded by other people.

So, what is loneliness, exactly? I think there are two major varieties, and understanding them is critical to knowing what to do about your loneliness—because there's definitely a wrong way to handle it.

DID YOU KNOW WE HAVE FREE E-BOOKS?

If you're new to Clarity on Fire, you may not know that we have 4 free e-books for you to download!

If this blog resonated with you, you'll want to check out What is the POINT? A jolt of hope & practical advice for anyone going through an existential crisis.

We've also got e-books about finding your passion & purpose in life and learning to be happy (in a world where that isn't always easy). Download them all here!

EPISODES WE MENTIONED IN THIS BLOG

Side Chat: Honing your intuition (& knowing when it's really fear) (June 2019)

Blog: Here's what I know for sure is NOT the point of life (January 2019)

Bonus Book Club! Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver (November 2018)

LINKS

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

You're in for a special "Krachel-Squared" episode of Dear Krachel (our advice segment where we answer audience questions about life, career, relationships, existential angst, and anything that helps you become a more whole, fulfilled version of yourself) this month!

After reading one of our listener's conundrums, we immediately realized we weren't the best, most experienced people to address her issue! So, we asked our friend and former client, Rachel Lowe, to add her take. Two Rachels for the price of one! ;)

On this episode, we're answering questions from:

• Melissa, who's having a hard time watching family, friends, and her boyfriend struggle with depression. She feels terrible standing on the sidelines, but how much help is enough? Should she pressure them to go to therapy or ignore the fact that they're sad? How does a well-meaning person support loved ones whose mental health is suffering?
• Olivia, a lover of variety (her Passion Profile is Side Hustler) whose relationship with her boyfriend of 3 years is fading. Are they naturally growing apart? Or is her need for variety and low tolerance for boredom going to doom this (and any!) romantic relationship?

After you've listened, leave us a comment to let us know how our advice for these two listeners resonated with you!

Want to submit a question for our October episode of Dear Krachel? Fill out this form and you might hear us tackle your Q!

IF YOU LIKED THIS YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO…

Side Chat: How to figure out what to do with your life (June 2018)

Dear Krachel: Should I trust my boyfriend's words or his actions? (November 2018)

LINKS

Leave us a comment on this episode

Rachel & Greg Photography

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The Passion Profile Short Course

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Five years ago, I would've done anything to have a full-time coaching business.

I'm sure I bored my friends and family to death by incessantly talking about it. But I couldn't help it — it was practically all I thought about.

I was beyond impatient, but it's just because I wanted it so badly.

It seems so silly now, but I remember one desperate night writing a letter to God or the Universe or Life itself (whoever happened to be listening) saying that if only I could have a full-time business, I would be content. I wouldn't need much else in life.

Hah!

I genuinely believed that if I got this thing I deeply desired, that everything else would fall into place and I'd be free of my intense longing.

I'd like to blame it on the naiveté of youth (I was 23, after all — brand new into the working world), but I think we all have moments like this, regardless of age or experience.

We want to get the thing we most desire, because then we could finally be rid of that painful feeling of wanting something you don't have.

But here's the thing: You're ALWAYS going to want more.

I've had a full-time coaching business for years now, and let me tell you, there's so much more I want for this business and for my life in general.

Except, I'm no longer under any delusions that I'll be perfectly content once I get all these new things I want.

If there's one thing that's universally true about human nature, it's that we're wired for desire. We'll always be seeking more, better, different, the "next level." Here's why that's great…

IF YOU LIKED THIS, YOU'LL ALSO LOVE…

You can't cure the human experience with Kyle Ramsvig (April 2018)

How much joy are you letting go to waste? (May 2018)

Do you want it? Or do you only think you SHOULD want it? (January 2019)

LINKS

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

Last week we introduced you to the Enneagram—a personality assessment that may just be the Holy Grail of all personality tests, if you ask us.

If you haven't listened to part one of our conversation about The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson from last Friday, then be sure to go back and listen to that first! You'll get a good summary of what the Enneagram is, how it can help you understand yourself, and each of the nine personality types.

On this episode, we're diving even deeper into each of the 9 types and talking about:

• The "9 deadly sins" associated with each personality type.
• The unconscious childhood messages that each type received, and the problems that caused later in life.
• The red flags and wake up calls to pay special attention to for each type.
• How you can use the Enneagram to evolve out of your worst patterns and grow into a content, fulfilled, passionate person.

After you've listened, leave us a comment to let us know your Enneagram type and how you resonate with it!

JOIN THE 1-ON-1 COACHING WAIT LIST

Interested in the possibility of 1-on-1 coaching? Not sure you want to wait until the next time we "officially" take on clients (later in the fall)? Reach out by adding your name to the wait list, and we'll let you know what our availability looks like.

ENNEAGRAM TESTS

There are many Enneagram tests you could take, but here are two that we've both personally taken. Keep in mind that you'll want to set aside about 45 minutes to complete either test:

Eclectic Energies Enneagram Test (free)

The Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator (paid)

LINKS

The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

As a highly sensitive person prone to anxiety, SO much of my life has been about trying to control my circumstances to make it easier for me to relax and feel secure. (I recently wrote about the connection between perfectionism and being a highly sensitive person, which you should definitely check out if you haven't.)

If I get too unconscious, I can still easily slip into feeling overwhelmed and out of control. But after reading this blog that I wrote 4.5 years ago, I realize I've come a long way, considering I don't relate to most of this anymore (at least not to the hardcore degree I was accustomed to back then).

At the time, I wrote about the daily struggle to cross everything off of my to-do list because I was in the thick of the struggle. Now, I share it with you in case you still are in the midst of that same purgatory:

Nine times out of ten, I feel instant anxiety when I wake up in the morning.

Most of the time, my daily to-do list starts playing on repeat in my mind before I've even consciously realized I'm awake. Which means that before I've even stood up, I'm feeling overwhelmed. Behind. Frustrated. Anxious.

And because I definitely don't want to feel that way, the solution seems simple: Get moving, and get working so that I can cross off some of those to-dos and alleviate the pressure.

Which means, in an attempt to feel productive, I'll open my inbox before I've even eaten anything. I'll rush through my breakfast. I'll be distracted while walking my dog, all so that I can get back home and start working so that I don't have to feel anxious or behind anymore.

Half the time, I feel like I'm running a race, the theme song of which goes something like, "Once I get this done, then I can relax. And take a break. And breathe. And actually live my life."

Except I'm wrong. So incredibly wrong.

LAST DAY TO ENROLL IN GETTING OVER PEOPLE PLEASING!

• We officially get started TOMORROW, Wednesday, August 28th.
• The course will run for 4 weeks. We'll release one new lesson each week, and at the end of the course we'll host a live online hangout to celebrate and wrap things up!
• There's a private forum where enrollees can connect, shares their stories, and get their questions answered directly by us.
• You can probably expect to commit 3-ish hours a week to this course. A small part of that time will be watching videos, the rest will be diving into workbook assignments, as well as sharing in the forum if you want to.
• You have forever access to this course! That means whenever we run it again, you can join in if you choose. You could also enroll now but do the content at your own pace, if this month isn't a good time, but you don't want to miss out.

Get all the details and sign up now!

ENNEAGRAM TESTS

There are many Enneagram tests you could take, but here are two that we've both personally taken. Keep in mind that you'll want to set aside about 45 minutes to complete either test:

Eclectic Energies Enneagram Test (free)

The Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator (paid)

LINKS

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

Every once in a while you stumble across something that makes you go, "Where have YOU been my whole life?!" Sometimes it's a hot person, other times it's a meal that's so good you want to cry, and if you're a nerd like we are, then sometimes it's a personality assessment.

The Enneagram is like nothing else we've ever taken or learned about! Some assessments are cute and fun to flirt with, but others are marriage material—serious and intense and make you kind of sweaty, but in a good way. That's totally the Enneagram.

We dove deep into a classic Enneagram book, The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, for this bonus book club episode. And in fact, there is SO much to say about the Enneagram that this is part one of a two-part series! Part two will be coming out next Friday, the 30th.

On this episode, we're getting into:

• What the Enneagram is, where it comes from, and exactly what it can tell you about yourself (spoiler alert: A WHOLE LOT).
• A summary of each of the 9 Enneagram types.
• The core fears and desires of each type, and how those influence your thoughts and behavior.
• Our own experiences taking the Enneagram, and what happened when we learned more about our types.

After you've listened, leave us a comment to let us know your Enneagram type and how you resonate with it!

LAST DAY FOR $50 OFF GETTING OVER PEOPLE PLEASING!

Getting Over People Pleasing will be open for enrollment until Tuesday, August 27th, but today is the LAST day to join the VIP list and get $50 off!

• We officially get started on Wednesday, August 28th, but there is an intro lesson and assignments for you to do as soon as you sign up!
• The course will last for 4 weeks. Each week you'll get access to a new lesson and new assignments, and at the end we'll have a live online hangout to wrap things up.
• This course will NOT be available 24/7. Right now, consider it a one-time thing. We may end up offering it again at some point, but likely not for another year.
• There's a group forum where you and the other enrollees can connect, share stories, and get your questions answered directly by us!
• This course is ideal for people who want to bridge the gap between knowing what they should be doing, and actually doing it.
• Consider this course a fun-yet-challenging boot camp of sorts! We're going to help you heal some old wounds that keep you trapped in the need to please and get desensitized to the discomfort of things like setting boundaries, saying no, and speaking up for yourself.
• This course is full of accountability—We're not here to lecture at you, but to hold your hand while you do the necessary hard (but fulfilling) work of letting go of people pleasing.
• By the end, we know you'll feel a LOT freer, calmer, more confident, and resilient.

Join the VIP list and we'll email you the $50 off code. It expires at the end of TODAY, August 23rd!

ENNEAGRAM TESTS

There are many Enneagram tests you could take, but here are two that we've both personally taken. Keep in mind that you'll want to set aside about 45 minutes to complete either test:

Eclectic Energies Enneagram Test (free)

The Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator (paid)

LINKS

The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

Guys, IT'S HAPPENING. Getting Over People Pleasing is finally here and open for enrollment!

If you're not on the VIP list yet, you really should be because we're emailing anyone on that list a code for $50 off the course (good through this Friday, August 23rd)!

Oh, AND we're gifting a free coaching session, at random, to TEN people who sign up during the enrollment period (but again, only if you're on the VIP list).

The major things you'll want to know are below, so scroll down for more info!

Instead of a new blog today, we're spending some time on the podcast talking about the 1 thing you're NOT going to hear us talk about in Getting Over People Pleasing, and why. It may surprise you.

Plus, we answer a burning question from someone who's worried that maybe it's wrong to leave her people-pleasing ways behind.

GETTING OVER PEOPLE PLEASING IS OPEN FOR ENROLLMENT UNTIL AUGUST 27

• Because this course is brand new, we're not setting a limit on the amount of people who enroll (BUT, if there start to be too many people we'll cap it, so enroll early if you can).
• We officially get started on Wednesday, August 28th, but as soon as you enroll there is an intro lesson and multiple workbook assignments to get the ball rolling.
• The course will run for 4 weeks. We'll release one new lesson each week, and at the end of the course we'll host a live online hangout to celebrate and wrap things up!
• There's a private forum where enrollees can connect, shares their stories, and get their questions answered directly by us.
• You can probably expect to commit 3-ish hours a week to this course. A small part of that time will be watching videos, the rest will be diving into workbook assignments, as well as sharing in the forum if you want to.
• You have forever access to this course! That means whenever we run it again, you can join in if you choose. You could also enroll now but do the content at your own pace, if this month isn't a good time, but you don't want to miss out.

Sign up now! And don't forget to join the VIP list for $50 off (through Friday, August 23rd).

EPISODES WE MENTIONED

Conscious break-ups and brave conversations with normal person Marina (January 2019)

A best friend's roundtable on people-pleasing with Stacy Campesi & Joanna Platt (August 2019)

ENNEAGRAM TESTS

There are many Enneagram tests you could take, but here are two that we've both personally taken. Keep in mind that you'll want to set aside about 45 minutes to complete either test:

Eclectic Energies Enneagram Test (free)

The Riso-Hudson Enneagram Type Indicator (paid)

LINKS

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

One of the many jobs that I, Rachel, had in the years after graduating college was admin at a criminal defense law firm.

I encountered a whole new level of humanity in the year I worked there. I had two convicted murderers compliment me on the quality of my work … which I was not at all sure how to take, ha!

Without getting into the gross details (because you really don't want to hear what happened), one of those murderers was appealing his case because the officer who discovered the body of the victim had done so without a proper warrant.

In legal terms, even though it was beyond evident that he was guilty, the discovery of the body was fruit of the poisonous tree—AKA, if the source of the evidence is tainted (obtained illegally), then anything gained (the "fruit") from it is tainted, too.

Moving on from the macabre … this metaphor has more than just legal implications. It's the perfect way to describe what's going on in our brains, too.

On this episode, we're getting into:

• How one seemingly innocuous incident can completely change the way you see yourself, and create "poisonous fruit" that you carry with you for a lifetime.
• The "trees" in our own lives that got poisoned, and the ripple effect that had on us for decades.
• How to undo the poisoning, and set yourself free from years of beliefs and patterns that have kept you stuck.

After you've listened, leave us a comment to let us know what your "fruit of the poisonous tree" is, and how you intend to un-poison it!

JOIN THE 1-ON-1 COACHING WAIT LIST

Interested in the possibility of 1-on-1 coaching? Not sure you want to wait until the next time we "officially" take on clients (later in the fall)? Reach out by adding your name to the wait list, and we'll let you know what our availability looks like.

GET ON THE VIP LIST FOR OUR NEW PEOPLE PLEASING COURSE!

Getting Over People Pleasing will be open for enrollment on Tuesday, August 20th!

• This course will NOT be available 24/7. Right now, consider it a one-time thing. We may end up offering it again at some point, but likely not for another year.
• It will last for about 4 weeks, and during that time you'll get weekly video lessons and workbook prompts.
• There will be a forum so that you, and the other members of the group, can ask us questions and share your stories.
• This course is for people who want to bridge the gap between knowing what they should be doing, and actually doing it.
• Consider this course a fun-yet-challenging boot camp of sorts! We're going to help you heal some old wounds that keep you trapped in the need to please and get desensitized to the discomfort of things like setting boundaries, saying no, and speaking up for yourself.
• This course will be action-oriented. Yes, there will be some teaching, but everything we teach is going to be actionable. And we're going to hold you accountable for taking that action!
• By the end, we know you'll feel a LOT freer, calmer, more confident, and resilient.

If you haven't joined our VIP list yet, please do! There will be goodies for people who are on that list when we launch the course.

LINKS

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

Tell me if you can relate to this:

You're sitting in a work meeting, and someone says something you disagree with. You think about speaking up to share your opinion or different idea, but the little voice in your head says, "Ehh, don't bother, it's not worth it." (Then later, you kick yourself when someone else shares the same idea you had.)

Or you're talking to your mom/sister/friend/spouse/etc., and they say something that totally rubs you the wrong way. You feel hurt, annoyed, and resentful, but when you consider bringing it up with them, you immediately think, "This isn't worth making a big deal about. Just let it go." (Except the next time that same person gets under your skin — and they inevitably will — the resentment shows up again, and it's even bigger this time.)

Or your manager gives you overly critical feedback on an assignment, even though you worked your ass off to meet his impossible deadline. You want to stand up for yourself, but once again you think, "What's the point? It's not worth it." (But later that night, you find yourself scrolling through job listings online.)

Sound familiar? I know it does for me.

As a recovering people-pleaser, I've been giving a lot of thought lately to what prevents me from speaking up, especially when I sense a brewing conflict or potentially uncomfortable conversation. I've heard this same phrase ringing in my own head enough times (and from enough clients, too) to feel pretty sure that I'm onto something…

GET ON THE VIP LIST FOR OUR NEW PEOPLE PLEASING COURSE!

Getting Over People Pleasing will be open for enrollment on Tuesday, August 20th!

• This course will NOT be available 24/7. Right now, consider it a one-time thing. We may end up offering it again at some point, but likely not for another year.
• It will last for about 4 weeks, and during that time you'll get weekly video lessons and workbook prompts.
• There will be a forum so that you, and the other members of the group, can ask us questions and share your stories.
• This course is for people who want to bridge the gap between knowing what they should be doing, and actually doing it.
• Consider this course a fun-yet-challenging boot camp of sorts! We're going to help you heal some old wounds that keep you trapped in the need to please and get desensitized to the discomfort of things like setting boundaries, saying no, and speaking up for yourself.
• This course will be action-oriented. Yes, there will be some teaching, but everything we teach is going to be actionable. And we're going to hold you accountable for taking that action!
• By the end, we know you'll feel a LOT freer, calmer, more confident, and resilient.

If you haven't joined our VIP list yet, please do! There will be goodies for people who are on that list when we launch the course.

IF YOU LIKED THIS EPISODE, THEN YOU'LL ALSO LOVE…

Side Chat: The 3 types of people-pleasers (& why you might unknowingly be one)

A best friend's roundtable on people pleasing with Stacy Campesi & Joanna Platt

Dear Krachel: How do I say no without people hating me?

LINKS

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel

You're in for a real treat this month—We've got not one, not two, but three normal people coming at you!

In honor of our upcoming course, Getting Over People Pleasing, we sat down with two of our very best friends (Stacy Campesi and Joanna Platt, who you may remember from their past expert appearances on the podcast) to talk about all the ways that people-pleasing has affected them, and Kristen (as the sole non-people-pleaser in the room, Rachel had fun playing moderator!).

All four of us are trained coaches, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of challenges and struggles to work through when you've got the disease to please.

The four of us got into:

• Some of Stacy, Joanna, and Kristen's earliest memories of people-pleasing, and their theories about what solidified the issue from a young age.
• How the disease to please negatively impacted their relationships, and how those relationships improved when they let go of the compulsion.
• Their advice for weathering the discomfort of not pleasing 24/7, and other strategies that helped them heal.
• The kind of joyful, radiant life that's possible for you, and everyone you love, when you stop people-pleasing.

After you've listened, leave us a comment to let us know how this conversation resonated with you, and be sure to check out our past episode with Joanna about emotional constipation (from April 2018) and our past episode with Stacy about navigating a toxic workplace (from February 2019).

MORE ABOUT JOANNA

Joanna Platt is a life and relationship coach for high achievers who need space to feel their feelings, permission to put themselves first, and guidance on how to do it.

Through intuitive, deep coaching conversations that feel like heart-to-hearts, she's here to help you quiet your inner critic and bring your best self to the surface so you can connect and contribute in both your work and home life.

When she's not coaching, you can find her loving her husband Mike, reading multiple books at one time, and working in coffee shops in DC.

Meet Jo and get ready to go deep, feel your feelings, and get your sparkle back at joanna-platt.com.

MORE ABOUT STACY

Stacy Campesi is a certified professional coach and workshop facilitator. She is passionate about helping unfulfilled, overachieving professionals find career confidence and clarity.

Stacy loves working with smart, ambitious women who lead with heart and are so used to giving to others that can't even recognize their own wants or needs without feeling selfish. By cutting through the uncertainty, self-doubt, and fear of disappointing others that holds them back, Stacy is able to help her clients make decisions that get them what they want, without compromising a thing! Stacy is a Professional Certified Coach (PCC) with the International Coach Federation. She is also certified as an MBTI & Emotional Intelligence practitioner.

Find Stacy on her website, connect with her on LinkedIn, and listen to her nuggets of wisdom on Voxer @stacy_campesi.

GET ON THE VIP LIST FOR OUR NEW PEOPLE PLEASING COURSE!

Getting Over People Pleasing will be open for enrollment on Tuesday, August 20th!

• This course will NOT be available 24/7. Right now, consider it a one-time thing. We may end up offering it again at some point, but likely not for another year.
• It will last for about 4 weeks, and during that time you'll get weekly video lessons and workbook prompts.
• There will be a forum so that you, and the other members of the group, can ask us questions and share your stories.
• This course is for people who want to bridge the gap between knowing what they should be doing, and actually doing it.
• Consider this course a fun-yet-challenging boot camp of sorts! We're going to help you heal some old wounds that keep you trapped in the need to please and get desensitized to the discomfort of things like setting boundaries, saying no, and speaking up for yourself.
• This course will be action-oriented. Yes, there will be some teaching, but everything we teach is going to be actionable. And we're going to hold you accountable for taking that action!
• By the end, we know you'll feel a LOT freer, calmer, more confident, and resilient.

If you haven't joined our VIP list yet, please do! There will be goodies for people who are on that list when we launch the course.

LINKS

Leave us a comment on this episode

Take the Passion Profile Quiz

Submit your question for a future episode of Dear Krachel

Check out our YouTube channel