Connection Codes

Episode 188: Identity Over Truth - Why We're All Desperate to Be Seen

In this powerful episode, Tera Wages and Dr. Glenn and Phyllis Hill explore why humans prioritize identity over truth—and how this fundamental need shapes everything from our marriages to the polarizing world we see online.

What You'll Learn:

• Why identity is your #1 human need (backed by the Still Face Experiment)
• The 5 critical questions your brain is constantly asking
• How identity loss makes us do things we'd never recommend to others
• Why "calling someone back to truth" never works in relationships
• The real reason people stay in lower-paying jobs (it's not about money)
• How to recognize when someone is losing identity—and what to do instead
• Why the "us vs them" narrative is more dangerous than you think
• Practical tools to give identity instead of stripping it away

Key Topics Covered:

• Emotional health and regulation
• Marriage communication and conflict resolution
• Leadership development and team culture
• Mental health and depression
• Identity formation and validation
• Connection vs disconnection
• Emotional intelligence in relationships
• Workplace culture and employee retention

Resources:

• Get the FREE Core Emotion Wheel: www.connectioncodes.co/podcast
• Book a Connection Codes Coach: https://connectioncodes.co/coaches
• Learn about Connection Codes training for businesses and leaders: https://connectioncodes.co/at-work

Follow Connection Codes:Instagram: @connectioncodesFacebook: Connection CodesWebsite: www.connectioncodes.co

In this deeply vulnerable episode, Dr. Glen and Phyllis continue their real-time conflict from last week, diving into the messy reality of what it looks like when one partner is thriving while the other is just beginning to recover from burnout. Recorded just moments after a morning conflict, this episode captures the raw, unscripted reality of navigating relationship pain when one person has no reserves left and the other is wondering when things will feel "normal" again. Glen and Phyllis, along with host Tera Wages, explore the invisible weight of mental and emotional labor in relationships, how partners experience the same events differently and arrive at different emotional places, the fear and uncertainty of not knowing how long a partner's pain will last, identity crisis and what it means to feel completely empty of reserves, the importance of getting curious instead of trying to fix, why processing pain 10,000 times is actually healthy (not a problem), how to support a partner who is in a season of deep transition, and the power of doing the Core Emotion Wheel regularly, especially during hard seasons. You'll learn why one partner can feel like they "sprinted" across the finish line while the other "crawled," how to recognize when mental/emotional labor is just as taxing as physical labor, the difference between desire and capacity in your body, why it's crucial to turn toward your partner and share your emotions in the moment, how to invite your partner back into connection when they miss with you, why identity pain is the greatest pain and requires the most patience, and the importance of slowing down and asking "Ooh, tell me more" instead of problem-solving. Whether you're the partner crawling across the finish line or the one wondering when your spouse will "bounce back," this episode offers permission to feel all of it, process it together, and remember that you're not broken—you're just human.

Chapters:

00:00:00 - Disclaimer

00:02:30 - "I Don't Know If This Is a 5 Year or 25 Year Plan"

00:05:50 - Phyllis's Perspective: "I'm Still Discovering Me"

00:10:40 - The Identity Crisis: Selling the Company and Losing a Lane

00:13:00 - Learning to Feel Emotions for the First Time: "Oh, That's What Burnout Feels Like"

00:21:05 - "I Have No Reserves": A New Experience

00:22:10 - Desire vs. Capacity: Learning to Listen to Your Body

00:24:10 - Different Experiences at the Finish Line: "I Crawled, You Sprinted"

00:40:00 - Identity Pain Is the Greatest Pain

00:42:00 - "I Just Want You to Turn to Me"

00:47:20 - The Lifeline: Using the Core Emotion Wheel in Hard Seasons

Links and Resources:

Connection Codes Website

Take the Connection Codes Assessment

Connection Codes Coaching

Watch previous episodes on navigating conflict

Connect with us on Instagram: @connectioncodes

Tera, Dr. Glenn, and Phyllis dive into the powerful interplay between vulnerability and safety in relationships. Drawing from personal stories, cultural examples, and decades of work with Connection Codes, they unpack how many of us were raised to silence emotions—and how this creates barriers to intimacy. The hosts explore why vulnerability is not weakness but the very act that creates safety, and how micro-moments of authentic sharing lay the foundation for trust. With practical insights, like using the Core Emotion Wheel and reframing fear, this conversation equips you to transform your relationships into safe spaces where real connection can thrive

Chapters:

- 00:00:00 - TV shows and vulnerability

- 00:01:20 - Introducing core concepts

- 00:04:51 - Childhood lessons on suppression

- 00:07:51 - The vulnerability paradox

- 00:11:12 - Unfamiliar territory

- 00:15:30 - Foundation-building moments

- 00:19:24 - Recognizing safe people

- 00:23:30 - Fear vs. safety

- 00:28:39 - Everyday vulnerability

- 00:35:26 - The cab story

- 00:41:42 - Authenticity without guarantees

- 00:47:35 - Losing and finding relationships

- 00:53:01 - The Core Emotion Wheel

- 00:58:04 - Starting your journey

Links and Resources:

- https://connectioncodes.co/

- https://connectioncodes.co/get-the-cew

- https://www.amazon.com/Connection-Codes-Blueprint-Creating-Relationships-ebook/dp/B093TLDT71

In this episode Tera, Dr. Glenn, and Phyllis take on one of the most misunderstood and weaponized words in relationships: forgiveness. They unpack why simply saying “I forgive you” rarely brings peace, and how unprocessed pain lingers in the body long after conflict. Through personal stories, faith reflections, and the practical tools of the Connection Codes, they reveal why true healing comes through release—acknowledging, voicing, and processing hurt in safe spaces. Listeners will learn how to move beyond judgment, create authentic emotional connection, and experience freedom without erasing their pain or enabling harmful dynamicsChapters:

• 00:00:00 - Setting the Stage for Authentic Healing
• 00:02:09 - Rethinking Forgiveness: Moving Beyond Traditional Approaches
• 00:04:26 - How Forgiveness Gets Weaponized in Relationships
• 00:11:04 - The Compassionate Truth About Forgiveness in Faith
• 00:15:47 - Creating Safety to Process Pain Together
• 00:29:34 - Why Simply Saying "I Forgive You" Doesn't Heal the Hurt
• 00:36:53 - Embracing Emotions as Pathways to Deeper Connection
• 00:47:42 - Real-Life Example: Using the Emotion Wheel in Relationships
• 00:54:55 - Practical Next Steps for Your Relationship Journey

Links and Resources:

- Connection Codes Emotion Wheel - https://connectioncodes.co/wheel-download

- Connection Codes Book - https://www.amazon.com/Connection-Codes-Blueprint-Creating-Relationships/dp/B093QCHZ76

- Become a Connection Codes Coach - https://connectioncodes.co/certified-coaching#certifiedcoachingtopofhome

In this vulnerable and empowering conversation, host Tera Wages sits down with Ally Bullock — licensed marriage and family therapist, Head of Relationships at Paired, and creator of Relationships with Ally. Together, they unpack the realities of sex and intimacy after parenting. From mismatched desire and the weight of invisible labor, to the science behind stress and sexual satisfaction, Ally shares practical strategies couples can use to reconnect. Listeners will hear real-life stories, expert insights, and powerful tools — like co-regulation rituals, responsive desire reframes, and scheduling intimacy — that can transform the way partners approach connection in the busiest seasons of life.

Chapters:

• 00:00:00 - Welcome to Connection Codes Podcast
• 00:00:27 - Meet Aly Bullock
• 00:01:50 - 45% of parents report less intimacy
• 00:03:58 - Aly's Background: A marriage and family therapist with the Paired app
• 00:05:48 - Aly's Personal Story: Marriage, three kids, and "chaotic" life
• 00:07:28 - How does sex change after kids?
• 00:08:13 - Why Intimacy Decreases
• 00:09:00 - Feeling "touched out" after 10 years of pregnancy/nursing
• 00:10:17 - Desire Types: Spontaneous vs. responsive desire explained
• 00:12:55 - Use a shared note to "brain dump" the mental load
• 00:15:47 - Reframing Expectations: Embrace a new normal post-kids
• 00:17:45 - Why to Schedule Sex
• 00:19:06 - Study: A mother's stress predicts lower sexual satisfaction for both partners
• 00:20:00 - A New Approach: Schedule "intimacy time," not just sex
• 00:24:08 - A Moment of Empathy: Tera's husband experiences overstimulation
• 00:25:37 - Tip for Overstimulation: Co-regulation with back-to-back breathing
• 00:28:03 - Use AirPods with relaxing music during sex
• 00:28:53 - Study: Small, daily intimate acts boost satisfaction
• 00:30:18 - Identity Matters
• 00:31:21 - Tip on Identity: Separate your "parent" and "partner" roles
• 00:32:21 - Intimacy can get better with time
• 00:41:41 - Recap: A summary of the episode's key tips
• 00:42:13 - Resource: The Paired app's "Recharge Your Sex Life" course
• 00:42:57 - How to Connect with Aly

Links and Resources:

• Relationship with Aly Website:

In this powerful conversation, Dr. Glenn and Phyllis talk with Paul and Hannah McClure—musicians, parents, and certified Connection Codes coaches—about the journey of learning to process emotions instead of drowning in them. The McClures share openly about walking through miscarriage, facing parenting challenges, and breaking free from long seasons of disconnection. They describe how simple tools like the Core Emotion Wheel gave them language for their feelings, transformed their marriage, and reshaped the way they connect as a family. This episode is an invitation to slow down, honor what you feel, and discover how vulnerability can lead to lasting healing and deeper relationships.Chapters:

• 00:00:00 – Welcome to the Connection Codes Podcast

• 00:00:57 – Meet Paul & Hannah

• 00:01:34 – Story of meeting as teens and family background

• 00:02:41 – Discovery of the program in 2020 through webinars

• 00:03:15 – How the tools helped process miscarriage

• 00:04:44 – Reflection on “choose joy” culture and parenting impact

• 00:05:31 – Childhood experience of suppressing emotions

• 00:07:23 – Demonstration of the Core Emotion Wheel

• 00:09:27 – Feelings of anger, guilt, and loneliness in friendships

• 00:11:16 – Fear about an album release and hurt from a trip

• 00:13:00 – Key victories and struggles with the tools

• 00:14:23 – Resolving conflict in Hawaii by naming hurt

• 00:17:30 – How minutes of processing prevent days of disconnect

• 00:19:51 – Example of using the wheel during a cancer diagnosis

• 00:25:00 – Motivation for becoming coaches

• 00:27:18 – Coaching removed the pressure of having all the answers

• 00:30:04 – How unprocessed joy can lead to poor choices

• 00:32:04 – The wheel as a manual for navigating trauma

• 00:37:29 – Fear of drowning in emotions

• 00:40:10 – Seeing past anger to identify underlying hurt

Links and Resources:

• Download the Core Emotion Wheel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://youtube.com/@connectioncodes?si=phORYBsGMOOrj9mA⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• Find out how to become a Certified Coach:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://connectioncodes.co/certified-coaching⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• Find a coach:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://connectioncodes.co/coaches#find-a-coach-menu⁠

Tera Wages sits down with Dr. Glenn and Phyllis Hill to unpack the heart behind launching the School of Connection. Together, they explore why disconnection is one of the most dangerous forces in marriages, families, and workplaces, and how community becomes the missing piece for lasting transformation. With real stories of parents using the Core Emotion Wheel, couples breaking the cycle of conflict, and individuals rediscovering hope, this conversation reveals a clear path from isolation to authentic connection. If you’ve ever longed for deeper relationships or wondered how to move from surviving to thriving, this episode offers practical tools and an inspiring vision for healing through connection

Chapters:

• (00:00:00) - Welcome to Connection Codes Podcast
• (00:02:12) - The Big Announcement
• (00:03:12) - Identifying the Need for Human Connection
• (00:04:20) - Announcing the "School of Connection"
• (00:05:01) - Why Everyone Needs This
• (00:06:17) - Phyllis on the Power of a "Deep Dive"
• (00:07:19) - A Health Journey vs. Relational Health
• (00:09:07) - The Pain of Loneliness When Success Isn't Enough

• (00:11:58) - Why Handing Someone a Chainsaw Doesn't Make Them an Ice Sculptor
• (00:13:46) - Phyllis on the Burden of Meeting the Community's Needs
• (00:17:44) - The Unexpected Transformations: Restored Marriages and Found Voices
• (00:19:30) - "People are Dating Robots"
• (00:23:14) - My 6-Year-Old Coached Me Through Conflict
• (00:25:09) - Aiming to "Freak Out Over a 10-Minute Conflict"
• (00:28:20) - "We Did the Book, But That Wasn't Enough"
• (00:33:19) - Who This Is For: Breaking Free From Walking on Eggshells
• (00:35:08) - Discovering a Spouse's Hidden Pain
• (00:40:47) - How to Join: Announcing the First Cohort Start Date
• (00:43:43) - The Team's Core Emotions About the New School
• (00:44:03) - Fear and Joy of Launching the Program
• (00:47:23) - The Anger of Financial Limitations
• (00:50:48) - The Rarity of Hearing the Real Story Behind a Business
• (00:52:45) - The Path to Becoming a Certified Coach

Links and Resources:

• Download the Core Emotion Wheel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://youtube.com/@connectioncodes?si=phORYBsGMOOrj9mA⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• Find out how to become a Certified Coach:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://connectioncodes.co/certified-coaching⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• Find a coach:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://connectioncodes.co/coaches#find-a-coach-menu⁠

For nearly two decades, Zephan and Sarah's marriage was in "survival mode". On the surface, everything seemed "fine," but underneath, a painful disconnect was growing—one partner felt "particularly lonely," while the other "had no idea". A pivotal moment during a podcast recording led to an emotional "dam break," forcing them to confront years of unspoken pain. In this episode, Zephan and Sarah share their powerful journey of moving beyond a "people pleaser" dynamic and ineffective relationship "rules". They discuss navigating the chaotic first six months—a period they call "Pandora's Box"—to build a foundation of true emotional safety and transform their communication, learning how to become a true "witness for your life".

Chapters:

• 00:00:00 - Welcome to the Connection Codes Podcast

• 00:03:16 - Meet Zephan & Sarah

• 00:04:12 - Why Connection Codes Was Different: How it became a "way of life," not just a quick fix.

• 00:05:13 - The First 10 Years: Reflecting on the intensity and "survival mode" of early marriage.

• 00:06:11 - The Turning Point: A failed podcast recording reveals one partner's hidden pain.

• 00:08:43 - Defining Connection: The pain caused by differing views on what connection looks like.

• 00:09:36 - The People-Pleaser Dynamic: How managing a partner's emotions prevents intimacy.

• 00:10:30 - The Problem with "Rules": Why rule-based methodologies for relationships often fail.

• 00:11:08 - The Core Principle of Safety: The commitment to "be safe for one another."

• 00:13:37 - The "Dam Break" of Loneliness: Finding the language to define loneliness within the marriage.

• 00:15:12 - Learning to "Ooh" a Partner's Pain: Validating a partner without taking on their pain as shame.

• 00:15:53 - Seeing "Micro-Resisting": Noticing the pattern of people resisting each other's emotions.

• 00:16:56 - The Journey of Oohing Yourself: Not resisting your own emotions as a path to self-discovery.

• 00:22:39 - Finding Your Voice: How a safe group environment helps in sharing difficult emotions.

• 00:23:58 - A New Way to Argue: Moving from "I'm not enough" to "I'm feeling lonely."

• 00:29:41 - The "Pandora's Box" Phase: The scary and difficult first six months of doing the work.

• 00:31:05 - How to Navigate Early Stages: Advice on staying curious to find connection at the bottom of the pain.

• 00:36:40 - The Vital Role of Community: How supportive friends were essential to their journey.

• 00:38:43 - A Partner as a "Witness": The profound purpose of a committed partnership.

Dr. Glenn and Phyllis Hill welcome their grandson, Asher Hill, to share his journey of learning and practicing the Connection Codes Core Emotion Wheel from a young age. That foundation became life-saving when, at just 14 years old, he was hit with the emotional weight of his mother’s cancer diagnosis. Now 16, Asher reflects on how this tool has carried him through high school pressures, football struggles, panic attacks, and family conflicts—and even how he uses it with his girlfriend to build a safe, honest relationship. His story proves that emotional intelligence isn’t just for adults—no one is too young to learn it—and that authentic communication and safe spaces for vulnerability can transform every relationship, from family to friendships to future partnerships.

Chapters:

(00:00:00) Introduction & Disclaimer(00:02:59) Meet Asher(00:05:14) Why Asher is on the Podcast(00:06:59) Early Memories of Connection Codes(00:08:06) Cousin Conflict(00:10:38) The "Three Sentences" Rule(00:12:56) The Core Emotion Wheel as a "Game Changer"(00:15:56) Learning as We Go(00:19:12) A Cousin-Led Resolution(00:21:44) Navigating a Mother's Illness(00:26:28) Emotional Suppression as a Coping Mechanism(00:27:32) Inhale, Exhale: The Flow of Emotions(00:29:07) The Gym Analogy for Emotions(00:30:44) The Weight of Unprocessed Feelings(00:36:11) Asher's Core Emotion Wheel(00:38:23) Using the Wheel in a Relationship

Links and Resources:

• Download the Core Emotion Wheel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://youtube.com/@connectioncodes?si=phORYBsGMOOrj9mA⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• Find out how to become a Certified Coach:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://connectioncodes.co/certified-coaching⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠
• Find a coach:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://connectioncodes.co/coaches#find-a-coach-menu⁠⁠⁠

In this heartfelt episode, we explore the transformative power of vulnerability in personal growth. Join us as Hannah Droll shares her journey of embracing vulnerability through Connection Codes, revealing how it reshaped her relationships and self-awareness. Discover the challenges and triumphs of staying present in moments of emotional intensity, and learn how vulnerability can lead to deeper connections and personal transformation. Tune in to uncover the profound impact of being open and authentic in your own life.