It's domination programming that teaches us the louder we raise our voices, the faster the other person will capitulate and join our side.

However, in order to affect real change, the key is to get others to care about what it is we're caring about.  And this is a much slower, longer, harder task.

In this episode, we talk with a caller embarking on a trip to South Africa, who is interested in showing up authentically to her traveling companions, without raising their defenses.  The ultimate goal?  To get them to care about what she cares about.  We discuss:

• 1:44  How can I show up authentically around my husband's colleagues when we see the world so differently?
• 3:34  One of the dynamics present is the devaluation of indigenous history and culture 
• 5:55  How to step out of the old domination game
• 7:43  Making the implicit explicit
• 12:54  Empathizing with the other side
• 16:37  The importance of expressing care
• 18:45  It's enough to introduce a disruptive voice into the room

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

The locus of control in a boundary lies with us, and concerns what we are willing and unwilling to do.

One of the data points we can use when negotiating our boundaries is how others engage with us.

In this podcast episode, we discuss our responsibility for setting up terms for engagement that are centered around our values, and we discuss:

• 1:11  How do I reinforce a boundary with out losing my temper?
• 5:37  The locus of control in boundary setting
• 5:55  Setting terms of engagement in our relationships
• 15:14  I apologized to my friend, but now she thinks we're friends again
• 20:43  Conversation role play with a friend 
• 34:23  Is it even worth having these types of conversations?  They're so hard!
• 40:05  I'm worried verbal empathy can make things worse

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

It can be incredibly painful when we find ourselves in relationships where we long for deeper authentic connection but can't seem to elicit that desire in others.

In this episode, we discuss:

• 1:11  How can I connect with someone who can't work won't talk about his feelings?
• 8:13  If someone is unhappy, that must mean something is wrong, right?
• 12:11  How our agenda is often an obstacle to authentic connection
• 19:42  How can I find closure with my ex-best friend?
• 23:46  I want her to open up but she won't
• 28:34  My dad is ill; how do I talk to others about his impending death?
• 34:53  I've heard through the grapevine that my friend is upset with me:  should I bring it up to her? 

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

It's easy to let our thoughts sink into the "shoulds" that have been programmed into us:

"I should be able to handle this:  other people say it's easy."

"He should be able to get ready and go to school by himself - he's old enough now."

"I should have paid my taxes weeks ago - why does this feel so hard?"

However, running our lives on "shoulds" often robs us of the joy and creative life-energy that is our human divine right, and robs us of our need for choice fulness.

 In this episode, we have three different discussions centered around what we "should" or "shouldn't" do, as we dive into the idea of authentic choice fulness:

• 1:10  Help!  I don't want to go back to my dentist!"
• 16:56  How to give a voice to competing parts of ourselves
• 22:08  What does healing look like?
• 24:20  How can I have "radical acceptance" for a situation that's hard?
• 32:29  How do I look after myself while also caring for the needs of my child?
• 36:02  Is there such a thing as an "anti-need"?

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

When we want to stay in relationship with people who have hurt us, it's important for us to figure out a way to connect with them in a way that keeps us open hearted and also protected.

But how, exactly, can we show up open heartedly in ways that also protect us and keep us safe?  

That's where open hearted and loving boundaries come in.  In this episode we explore:

• 1:00  How can I make the implicit explicit?
• 12:00  It takes discipline to focus on what's working
• 16:13  I feel exhausted and hurt by my sister's behavior.  How can I make it better?
• 22:09  What does a healthy relationship look like?
• 30:27  What open hearted boundaries can sound like
• 36:24  We get to choose who we let into our lives

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

We've all been well trained in the rules of the game we all know.  We've been taught to be dutiful children, loving siblings, tolerant friends.

But when some of us realize that we've outgrown the status quo, it can feel like an act of rebellion and revolution as we transform the rules of a system that no longer works for us in search for a more authentic way of life.

At the very beginning of this episode, I walk through my "Getting to the Heart of the Matter" Flowchart, a tool designed to transform conversations away from shame and blame and towards authentic, loving connection.  We then explore transforming cultural norms for healthier relationships and delve into:

• 1:03  A tour of my "Getting to the Heart of the Matter" Flowchart
• 6:40  My niece sulks and pouts if she doesn't win a game
• 11:14  An alternative to winning/losing
• 16:01  I feel bad. Does that mean I AM bad?
• 17:18  My friends are slower than I prefer.  What can I do to change them?
• 22:30  Help!  I'm my father's caregiver, and I'm burned out.
• 25:08  Resentment and disgust signal a need for a boundary
• 27:16  The journey back to wholeness can be counter cultural
• 41:51  How can I connect with my adult daughter?
• 47:09. The 2 keys to successful giving

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

Love cannot be ordered up. 
Care cannot be demanded. 

If we want certain people to love us, or care about us, is there anything we can do to make that more likely?  

This episode explores various relational moves across three scenarios that might help to inspire more care for ourselves from other people.  We discuss:

• 1:36  The stove is broken.  How can I inspire my partner to care about this?
• 5:25  The two levels in every conversation: Tactical and Relational
• 9:43  How to amplify another's good intentions
• 16:59  How to have an honest discussion with a friend group?
• 21:05  Checking for shared purpose:  Do you still want a connection with me?
• 23:36  How to show up differently in a conflict
• 31:23  Strategies for getting my HOA to care about our well water

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

We may be interested in living an authentic, honest life.

Unfortunately, that doesn't necessarily mean those we're closest to are interested in doing the same thing.

The easiest way to encourage those around us to show up authentically is by ensuring we make that experience as easy and enjoyable as possible for them.

In this episode, we discuss:

• 2:31  My daughter rescinded her dinner invitation and my feelings were hurt, and I pretended it was fine when I was actually really hurt.
• 13:34  How powerful requests can revolutionize relationships
• 17:10  Behavior is coded communication
• 23:46  My grandson won't greet me
• 28:30  A script for gathering the data needed to move forward
• 38:17  Getting Grounded in Our Goodness
• 40:30  How to interrupt interpersonal violence
• 46:12  A special offer just for you!

Two upcoming programs are discussed in this episode.  Click on the links below for more info:

Fall Deep Dive:  A Look at Grandiosity and Shame

March 2025 Retreat in Santa Fe

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

Navigating relationships with difficult family members can sometimes be a Herculean task.

This episode highlights four main strategies for walking the path of authentic communication with family members who can be hard to connect with:

1.  Practicing the art of translating judgments into feelings and needs.
2.  Maintaining deep connection with ourselves. 
3.  Locating the conversation in the present and not the past.
4.  Melting defensiveness by creating enough internal capacity to be present to someone else's pain.  

We discuss:

• 5:07  My family can be so judgmental.  How can I communicate better with them?
• 6:26  How to practice translating judgments into feelings and needs.
• 16:10  The inside practice essential for staying grounded when someone else is activated.
• 19:17  "When we are helping someone else wake up to the dynamics of a situation, we want it to be as gentle as possible so they enjoy it and do more of it."
• 25:08  How can I establish trust with my brother who avoids me?
• 32:58  Want to change the same old complaint-filled conversation?  Try locating the conversation in the present, not the past.
• 36:23  How can we begin melting defensiveness?
• 37:11  A script for moving forward when you need an answer and the other person is silent.
• 40:15  How to get more of what you want.

Something that can make it difficult for families to connect authentically with one another are the relational habits we fall into.  This fall I'll be offering a practice group that dives deep into narcissism and shame and I'd love to see you there!  Interested in learning more?  Check out all the details.

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...

Changing our default patterns in relationships takes intention and effort.  Whether we're wanting to act differently with loved ones at home or with strangers in public, relational transformation starts by turning inward and working with ourselves, first.

In this week's conversation we discuss:

• 1.01  Find information on my upcoming offerings:  Deep Dive into Narcissism and Shame  and winter retreat Getting Grounded in Your Goodness
• 3:16  "My usual MO would be to run .." I want to experience myself in a new way, what can I do? 
• 5:56  How do we establish shared reality with others?
• 9:47  The quickest way to kill generosity.
• 11:53  Finding courage to ask the hard questions I usually avoid asking.
• 14:49  A tip when dealing with avoidant attachment patterns.
• 19:36  Why demands don't work.
• 22:13  Meeting needs vs  caring about needs.
• 25:25  The biggest gift we can give one another.
• 26:24  Responding to a child's unpleasant behavior with nonviolence.
• 33:33  Connecting with a parent to discuss their child's behavior
• 38:20  How to approach "feeling dismissed and invalidated"

Join me Aug. 14th for my Truth Over Comfort Mini-Workshop. This is a game changer if you're longing for a way to show up authentically especially around people who might not understand. We'll discuss helpful strategies designed to facilitate your next sticky conversation.

For ongoing practice and deeper learning, join my monthly membership program. You will find a safe space for live discussions and a supportive community of like-minded, open-hearted humans.

Stay updated on new episodes and resources by subscribing wherever you listen to podcasts or visiting yvetteerasmus.com.

Get 20% off your annual NVC Library subscription using the code YVETTENVCLIBRARY at checkout at: https://nvcacademy.com/registration/signup/nvc-library

Here are more ways to connect with me:

• Become a member of my online learning community
• Join our calls live
• Set up a private session
• Follow me on TikTok @dr.yvetteer...