Why does the inner judge in our brains automatically default to negativity? We assume the worst and let our insecurities lead the way. How does this inner judge interfere with our friendships? And what can we do to create curiosity instead of negativity?

Ann Imig, creator and author of LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, and life coach at Listen Life Coaching, is here with practical tools that will help keep the judge at bay. Ann encourages "curiosity, celebrating, and savoring" in our friendships, "showing up when you show up," and utilizing the words and mindset of "tell me more."

We also discussed the role Ann (indirectly) played in my decision to start writing about friendship in 2014!

Meet Ann Imig:

Ann is an award-winning founder and speaker with numerous national media and stage appearances. As a certified coach at Listen Life Coaching she guides young adults (and their parents) to crush their goals, fuel their joy, and boost their confidence in a bright future. In 2010 she created the storytelling series and book titled LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. Almost 15 years later, LTYM continues Giving Motherhood A Microphone on stages across North America (70 cities and counting). Ann's motherhood story stars 2 sons, ages 17 & 20 with her husband Ben.

Ann works a lot with concepts from positiveintelligence.com. Special offer for Fans of Dear Nina: Experience the life-changing experience of coaching with Ann for free (no strings attached!). Dear Nina listeners receive a full 50-min discovery session rather than the typical half-hour consult. ListenLifeCoaching.com

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I love answering listeners' anonymous friendship dilemmas. It's a letter spotlight episode with three short anonymous letters from listeners with various friendship issues. I did my best to give practical, helpful advice.

The subjects are:

1. A listener whose friend makes little digs at her friend whenever they shop together.
2. A listener whose friend always chimes in late to the plan-making in the group text thread then wants to make changes.
3. A listener who wants to introduce her friends to each other, but is worried about getting excluded eventually.

The full text of the letters can be found here on my site. (dearninafriendship.com episode 124)

Links mentioned in the episode:

• Episode #121: "Rules for Making Plans With Your Friends"
• Newsletter with a bit more about making plans 
• Ask an anonymous question

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I'm thrilled to welcome friendship experts and comedians Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo of Man of the Year podcast! In honor of these male "chief friendship officers," (their term, which I love!) I'm finally tackling the often-requested topic of platonic relationships. Matt is married and Karo is single so that provided a slightly different point of view, which was helpful.

We also discussed how often you "should be" liking your friends' social media posts, a topic younger people on TikTok yell at me about sometimes. I think it's a terrible way to measure a friendship and occasionally get on TikTok to say so, but many out there think it's an important behavior to note. Matt and Karo ended up agreeing with me for the most part, but they were easier on those with that opinion than I was.

These are completely unrelated friendship topics, but I didn't want to squander my time with this hilarious and insightful duo. We fit in a few other friendship dilemmas, too, like viewing your friends in the most favorable light, remembering your friends aren't mind readers, when hobbies with friends take too much time from your spouse, and more.

More about Matt and Aaron:

As seen in the New York Times, on NPR, and the TODAY Show, Man of the Year will help you make new friends, reconnect with old ones, and build lifelong social fitness. Each November Matt and Aaron award a gigantic Man of the Year trophy to one of their childhood friends – a tradition that has kept their crew going strong since the '80s. But the country is currently facing a friendship recession – 15% of men report having zero close friends – and they’re on a mission to change that with tips, hacks, and decades of hilarious stories. Find Man of the Year on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok.

Links mentioned in the episode:

"Where Have All My Guy Friends Gone?" Sarah Wheeler in The Cut

The TikTok post where people yell at me for saying NOT to drop your friends who don't actively like your social media posts.

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Friendship breakups are an ageless, universal issue. In my 10 years of writing about friendship and receiving many anonymous letters, I've seen that it makes little difference in the grief process if there was a direct conversation with the friend, a fade out, or an abrupt ghosting. No matter the circumstances, we must take time to heal when a friend is no longer in our lives.

Today's episode is a revisit of my conversation with Diamonde Williamson, who found a way to make art from a painful friendship breakup and help others face their feelings of grief, loss, rejection, and loneliness.

Learn more about Diamonde's documentary, Best Friends Not Forever. And you must see her visual art on Instagram at @therealdiamonde.

Links mentioned in the episode:

• The episode with one of my best friends about the years we stopped being friends and how we reconnected: "Reconnecting with an ex-friend."
• Recent anonymous question in my newsletter, "The Friends Who Rejected Us: Thank you"

Meet Diamonde Williamson

Diamonde Williamson is the Founder and CEO of Third and Wonder Production House, the go-to media and production company for Black women and Black culture, specializing in branded, documentary, and unscripted formats. She’s created hundreds of videos for notable clientele like: The Oprah Winfrey Network, Google, Warner Bros., Essence, and more. Learn more about her original documentary, Best Friends Not Forever, and her highly praised podcast Meet Me in the Deep. Her continued goal is to build community and produce entertaining, empowering and relatable art for Black women. You can also find Diamonde on Instagram @therealdiamonde.

 

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Are there rules for making plans with friends? Who should be the one to suggest the day, time, and place? If you reach out for plans, should you also throw out some dates that might work? OR, do you wait for the other person to "prove" their interest by offering some dates on the calendar?

The short answer: there are no rules.

The longer answer (only 16 minutes), is this week's episode-- "Rules for Making Plans With Friends." It's the newest letter spotlight episode, which gave me the chance to answer two anonymous friendship dilemmas and talk about a long-held pet peeve of mine when making plans.

I hope this episode helps you schedule time with friends!

 Resources and links mentioned in the episode:

• Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friendships Between Sisters-in-Law"
• Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friends Who Never Ask About You"
• Episode 120 with Emma Nadler: "6 Ways to Be a More Generous Friend"
• The Joy of Connections by Ruth Westheimer and Allison Gilbert
• Episode 116 with Allison Gilbert: "Lose Track of Who Makes the Plans and 7 Other Friendship Tips From Dr. Ruth"

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Being generous in our friendships makes us better friends and keeps solid friends in our lives. We're not talking about money here! To quote this week's guest, relationship-based therapist and author, Emma Nadler, "When we act more generously we feel better. So there's a lot in it for you, too." We discussed Emma's top five ways to be a more generous friend, and I added one of mine to the list. So yes, in 29 minutes you're getting SIX ways to be more generous in your friendships, which research links to a happier, more fulfilling life. 

Emma Nadler is a psychotherapist, author, and speaker. Her memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden, is about learning to adapt when life doesn’t go to plan, redefining community, and creating your own imperfect path. She has also written for The Washington Post, Salon, Huffington Post, and Newsweek, among others. In her private practice, she helps people build deeper relationships—including friendships—and cultivate more of what they want, even with life's inevitable challenges. Find Emma's newsletter on Substack: "Hope is the New Hot" and she's on Instagram @emmanadlerwrites.

Resources and links mentioned in the episode:

• Emma's article in Next Avenue, "5 Ways to be a More Generous Friend"
• Emma's memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden
• Emma's first episode on Dear Nina, "How to Support a Friend Facing an Ambiguous Loss"
• "Most generous interpretation" -- a concept discussed often by Dr. Becky Kennedy
• Anna Goldfarb's second episode on Dear Nina, "The 14-Day Friendship Cleanse"
• Anna Goldfarb's book, Modern Friendship
• Olga Khazan's articles: "The Friendship Paradox" and "Stop Firing Your Friends"
• Our friend Debra's instagram: @fortheloveofcookbooks
• Previous episode with Jill Smokler and battling cancer and how friends can show up in support

PLEASE NOTE: Listening to this podcast in no way creates a client/therapist relationship with Emma Nadler. This is educational in nature. No legal, counseling, or other professional services are being rendered and nothing is intended to provide such services or advice of any kind. If you are having a mental health emergency, please contact 911 or go to your nearest emergency room. You can also text or call 988 for the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.

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What if your next good friend is an old friend who drifted away from your life for reasons of circumstance and not personality or hurt feelings? If you're in a stage of life where you're lonely, you've moved, or you simply want to shake up your social life, your next solid friendship might be waiting for you in "the past." Yes, reviving old friendships could be the missing piece in your current friendships. Maybe you went to college with this friend, worked together, sat on the bleachers when the kids were young, or met from any number of ways we connect with others. Not all past friendships merit a revival, but some do!

My guest is author Kay Paschal, who shares her story of having a really tight group of friends in her 20s who welcomed her back in after decades of little time together. Now retired, Kay is reflective on friendships in a way that inspired me. I think you'll enjoy what she has to say.

Some other points discussed in the episode:

• This very natural fade is somewhat related to episode #109 with Dr. Miriam Kirmayer about "quiet quitting." Kay and I are discussing reviving those friendships when it might fill out your social world in a different stage of life.
• Friendships fade when "the third place" disappears. (Example: You're no longer on the bleachers together watching the kids play baseball.)
• The often quoted study about replacing friends every seven years. (Comes up in many episodes!)
• Avoid burning a bridge in relationships.
• Developing an "open-door policy" in your mindset about past friendships
• Look for a friend, not a group.
• Thank that friend who does so much of the planning and inviting! (Shout out to Kay's friend, Linda.)
• The natural feelings of wondering why you weren't invited when certain members of a group get together without you.
• Kay: "You can't invite 10 people to everything you do."

Meet Kay Paschal:

After founding and owning 2 private preschools for 25 years in Atlanta, Kay started a new career by writing a book and speaking to moms and women's organizations and participating in parenting conferences around the country. Kay's book, Insert Giggle Giggle: Laughing Your Way through Raising Kids and Running a Business was recognized by Zibby Owens Media as a Finalist, Best Book for the Parent. Kay also hosts a podcast on Spotify, Kay's Gigglecast, with short, 10-minute grabs on women issues that are easy to consume while multi-tasking through your day. Find Kay on her website and on Instagram.  

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"Social" prescriptions from your doctor? Yes! What if for the sake of our mental and physical health doctors wrote prescriptions for cycling groups, fishing clubs, or volunteer positions on a farm? Those are real scenarios in Julia Hotz's THE CONNECTION CURE: The Prescriptive Power of Movement, Nature, Art, Service and Belonging, "the first book exploring the science, stories, and spread of social prescribing."

In today's episode, a perfect follow-up to last week's episode on the importance of hobbies for the empty nest and retirement, Julia and I discussed these activity-based and creative "medical" solutions to the post-30s friendship struggles that are so commonplace nowadays as people live far from previous friends and family, work remotely, and spend more time than ever on screens.

WHAT IS SOCIAL PRESCRIBING? In Julia's words, "Social, in the public health context, is about everything in a person's environment from where they live, to how they cope with stress, to what their job is like, and whether it fulfills them. All of these things boil down to what are called your social determinants of health. We have data showing that up to 80% of our health is determined by these social factors. What social prescribing then refers to is any non-medical community-based activity or resource that is prescribed to improve your health and well-being."

MY FAVORITE QUOTE IN THE BOOK: “This book is guided by real patients' lived experiences, but everyone's lived experience is different. In fact, that's what social prescribing is all about. Instead of what's the matter with you, a fixed list of symptoms, it focuses on what matters to you."

MEET JULIA HOTZ

Julia Hotz is a solutions journalist and author of THE CONNECTION CURE: The Prescriptive Power of Movement, Nature, Art, Service and Belonging (Simon & Schuster). The book has been featured in NBC, BBC, Scientific American, NPR, GOOP, The Good Life Project and more. Find Julia on socialprescribing.co and Instagram.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THE EPISODE

• Study showing we lose half of our friends every seven years.
• Skip the Small Talk events are grounded in psychology research that help strangers get to know each other and help with practicing vulnerability in conversation.
• Dear Nina: The (Facebook) Group where we have been compiling a great list of hobbies have started and groups people have joined.

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"Many friends are entering the empty nest phase of their lives and some are really dreading it. Celebrities like Brooke Shields share on social media how they aren't ready. Planning ahead by embracing new hobbies and friendships can help change the focus during this major life shift." 

Those words are from guests Dara Collins and Donna Kassman, queens of mahjong and canasta. Maybe a game is not your thing, that's okay. There is a new (or old!) passion out there waiting for you. I started playing tennis again when I was 44. I'm 47 now and had not played since I was 15. It's been an immense joy and a surprising expansion of my social life too.

Hobbies are an investment in your future retirement and empty nest social life. And socializing at all ages is important for combating loneliness and keeping your brain active. Did you love a sport or activity as a kid, but you've neglected that hobby (or any non-work, non-family passion) as an adult? This episode is for you!

We have two messages today about hobbies and friendship: 

#1. Get involved in hobbies when you're still in a full and busy stage of life. You're planting seeds for later!

#2. But it's never too late to get involved in a new hobby.

Meet Dara Collins and Donna Kassman

Dara and Donna are two friends and former attorneys in South Florida who met when their now 23-year-olds were in Mommy and Me classes. In 2019, they created Mahjong Dice™ and began their small business with a beautiful roll on ModernMahjong.com. They expanded into many other mahjong and canasta items, including books on both subjects, and links and opportunities to find teachers and join tournaments. They also organize tournaments and teach throughout the year. Find Modern Mahjong on Instagram, on their Facebook page, and through their Mahjong Community Facebook group of over 47,000 people. 

 

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What a thrill to interview author and journalist Allison Gilbert, who met with Dr. Ruth Westheimer, of blessed memory, every week for a year during what would be the last year of Dr. Ruth's life. Together they worked on Dr. Ruth's final book, The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life.

Dr. Ruth was determined to help people suffering from loneliness and dysfunctional friendships, and I believe this book accomplishes that task. We just need everyone to read it! I underlined parts of every chapter and folded over MANY pages because I adore Dr. Ruth's straightforward, solution-oriented advice.

For this episode, I forced myself to choose, what in my opinion, are the top 8 no-nonsense Dr. Ruth friendship nuggets of pure wisdom I'm certain will help you with your friendships the most. They're already helping me since finishing the book and recording this episode with Allison, who so beautifully represents and embodies Dr. Ruth's words.

MEET ALLISON GILBERT: 

Allison Gilbert is an Emmy Award-winning journalist and author. She is co-author of The Joy of Connections: 100 Ways to Beat Loneliness and Live a Happier and More Meaningful Life with world-renowned therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer. Find Allison on Instagram, Facebook, and X.

The two NYT articles mentioned in the episode:

"Dr. Ruth Saved People’s Sex Lives. Now She Wants to Cure Loneliness." 

"Long After ‘Sexually Speaking,’ Dr. Ruth Taught Me About Friendship" 

 

The top 8 no-nonsense friendship tips from Dr. Ruth that Allison and I covered in much more detail in the episode are listed on dearninafriendship.com. 

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