Delight Your Marriage

This was originally published a while back--but we highly recommend you listen again as you're praying through and discerning what God has for you in the new season of 2023.

…

I love New Years because everything feels fresh and energized. Even though, practically speaking, it's the same as every other day, you just have to start training yourself to use a new number at the end of your dates.

But I am all about using whatever energy there is to increase my chances of growth and change--in God's will.

So, that's what today's podcast is about--becoming stronger in your vision. It's about realizing that you're going to stand before Jesus and He'll be curious what you did with your days…which lead to weeks…which lead to years, and then decades.

We must be cautious about how we spend our time and spend it in priority to God's will.

I will show you the specific document I have used since 2013 and review at least quarterly to align my life with how I perceive God wants me to live.

I will also discuss the process I use to discern God's will for my life every quarter. I think we need to be considering God's will consistently in our lives and move toward it more and more everyday.

I think you'll love the conversation and I look forward to hearing from you!

Blessings,

Belah

PS If you'd like the free resource I mentioned to help you understand how to love your spouse the way they are craving, go to delightyourmarriage.com/framework

PPS If you'd like help in your marriage, you are invited to schedule a free Clarity Call here. This call is invaluable in helping you to examine and evaluate where you currently are in your marriage and whether or not our courses could be helpful to you.

From a Clarity Call participant who decided not to take the course(s)::

"Thank you and thanks for your guys' help. I honestly couldn't have done it without the help of the podcast and just our talk opens my eyes up to what God wants for me and what direction and guidance he is showing me so thank you so so much!"

This is the next part of Communication Secrets and I think it's an important addendum.

We talk about what to do when you're disappointed with your spouse.

When you want them to change.

When you feel they were irresponsible.

I have two examples for you:

1 - When a friend was irresponsible and God brought conviction even when He kept me from saying anything.

2 - When I was irresponsible (I know---unbelievable!) and God brought conviction even when my husband didn't say anything.

I hope this brings you encouragement, direction, and skills as you attempt to live God's way in your marriage.

Love,

Belah

PS - If you'd like to see if our programs would be a good fit for you in helping you grow in your marriage, we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call.

From a Masculinity Reclaimed graduate:

"For the first time EVER we had whole-hearted sexual intimacy, 2 or 3 times total. This was something that I had no idea even existed and it was barely believable. It was so amazing.

We haven't argued in months. Based on a DYM [Delight Your Marriage] podcast that I listened to before starting MR [Masculinity Reclaimed], I began the process of responding in ways that fully prevented arguments, so it's been more than 12 weeks without an argument. That was a massive game-changer for me and our relationship.

God has called me to a far deeper level with His word than ever before. The Holy Spirit has downloaded significant insight regarding how to love. This was done as a combination of scripture, DYM [Delight Your Marriage], and clarity provided during prayer."

…

So much stress revolves around communication.

I've been there!

My husband and I have miscommunications everyday.

Today, for example, I was telling him about a sore in my mouth and he was sure I was talking about Europe.

That is silly and allowed for laughter.

But what about when someone is lost and just hoping for the other to quickly look up directions.

Or, when you're in a stressful situation, and one of you is incomprehensible (to you).

Well, I want to invite you to reframe what good communication is.

I want to invite you to consider what really matters in communication with your spouse.

I try to debunk some unhelpful cliches:

"Your spouse should be your best friend," or

"You have to be compatible with someone to be happy," or

"If you don't connect on common interests, you'll die a miserable, lonely, painful death."

Alright, that last one isn't a cliche I've heard! (but maybe have felt?)

Let's get some fun back in our lives and let miscommunication be the fodder!

Blessings,

Belah

PS If you need immediate help in your marriage and you've seen some changes from podcasts so far, now is the time to let that inertia grow into long term transformation with training and tailored support.

So if that's what you need, get on the phone with a Clarity Advisor and they'll see if we are the right fit for your situation: delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Quote from a Masculinity Reclaimed graduate:

"I just wanted to thank you again for your help in building the intimacy [my wife] and I have discovered.

Last night [my wife] wore lingerie, was passionate, and we had amazing sex.

You played a huge part in helping us get there.

In a thankless world, I want to give you a big high five and thank you for all of your insight."

Since Thanksgiving is coming up and we're around people we love, but sometimes have strained relationships. We wanted to repost this episode so you can apply it to your family relationships and your spouse.

We love you and wish you a peaceful and grateful-filled Thanksgiving!!

…

Sometimes we look at our blowups and wonder -- how did we even get here?

How did a wrong turn, an unpaid bill, an unwashed dish, or a burnt potholder... turn into World War III?

What happened here?

And why is this kind of nonsense tearing our family apart at its foundations?

It's because you're not really fighting about a potholder.

You're fighting about all the unmet expectations from the years and years of pain you've experienced. And so is your spouse.

How do you get out of this cycle?

And more important: what does Jesus require of you in this cycle?

What does it matter in eternity whether or not you succumb to these kinds of blow ups?

Well, my goal is to give you a bit of fear of the Lord to decide you are going to be a real follower of Jesus and the blow ups aren't gonna fly.

I hope you'll listen in with an open heart and a desire to grow and be edified. And ultimately a desire to grow closer to God's will for you.

Blessings,

Belah

PS - Two things:

1 - If you haven't yet checked, there are a ton of helpful free resources here: delightyourmarriage.com/free

2 - If you need immediate help, go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc to get a free Clarity Call where someone from my team will speak to you deeply about your specific situation and see if we can help.

If it can happen for others, it could happen for you, too! From a MR graduate:

"We have prayed, we have read books, we have listened to podcast, and we have sought counseling, both individually and as a couple. They sometimes produce a little hope but we repeatedly fall back into old habit cycles.

I needed to try something different. This program provides a different approach through a team coaching framework. I wanted different strategies and individually focused feedback.

I have become a better person. Period. I am more patient, kind, loving, gentle. I am actively seeking the Fruits of the Spirit in practical behaviors. I am more forgiving and less apt to be offended. My wife SMILES AT ME OFTEN WHEN I WALK IN THE ROOM. We have more laughter and playfulness in our home. She holds my hand and cuddles with me. She tells me with her words and shows me with her behaviors that she enjoys making love to me."

Often preparing for Thanksgiving is the real STRESS. So -- guess what!? Make love now, so you have a connected, peaceful, and truly enjoyable Thanksgiving next week.

...

Duty sex…this is such a huge challenge for SO many couples - on both sides of the aisle!

Husbands and wives, how does our personal approach to sexual intimacy affect our spouse?

Does sexual intimacy within our marriage lead us toward one another or away from one another?

And if it often or sometimes leads us away from each other, is that our Creator's intention? How do we fix this? Can it be fixed?

The fact of the matter is, the answers to these questions can be hard to come by! There just isn't a lot of guidance out there for couples who want a God-honoring sexual relationship in their marriage!

If sexual intimacy is a gift from our Creator - and we know that ALL of His gifts are good - then why is this area of our lives so often filled with hurt and pain?

Does it really matter whose fault it is? Playing the blame game doesn't fix the problem, does it. Can one spouse change the dynamics in our marriages? YES - a thousand times, YES!! We've seen it! We've experienced it!

Here at Delight Your Marriage, God has blessed Belah with a lot of really good advice and encouragement for couples in this specific arena. Yes! There are principles that we can learn and apply to help us grow in our relationships - not just in the area of sexual intimacy, but in the overall connection within our marriage. This is what Delight Your Marriage is all about!

Okay, now this is THE bonus piece of information here that we hope you don't miss because it can be cliche or common to our ears: THE key of loving others well is to be filled up with Jesus' love and to lean into loving Him well! He IS love! As we grow in His love, the fruit of the Spirit becomes more abundant in OUR lives! I Cor. 14:1 "Pursue love…"

Would you pause right there and snatch that and think on it for a bit? I'm dead serious!

You know, we're similar to a tree. Have you seen a branch on a tree that is partly broken off? What does the branch generally look like? A lot of times the leaves are shriveling up, right? The health of the branch is directly correlated to how well the branch is connected to the trunk of the tree.

Are we feeling shriveled up? Are we feeling unfruitful? Are we struggling to experience the abundant life that Jesus has offered to us? …That's a good gauge that we need to check our attachment to The Vine.

Do you need some guidance, accountability, and encouragement to grow in these areas? We want to help you!

...

We are not currently offering a free men's course, as this is a repost of this episode, but we do invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call with our course advisor. This is an opportunity for you to be heard...to share your story, to evaluate where you are in your marriage and life journey, and whether or not our courses may be the right fit for you or not.

We love you and wish you a peaceful and grateful-filled Thanksgiving!!

On behalf of Belah and the rest of our team,

Darcy

Office Manager

PS From a Masculinity Reclaimed graduate:

"Today my wife and I celebrate our … Anniversary, and thanks be to God our marriage is better than it has ever been. As I sat this morning writing my daily gratitude's and LTP's (going strong), I am overcome with gratitude for how helpful your ministry has been.

Going through the program last fall was truly one of the most transformational hinge times in my life - first drawing myself closer to the Lord, and only from that coming first did we experience some unbelievable changes in our marriage.

By Gods grace, we've always had a "good" marriage - free from major issues or troubles, but since have learned how wonderful God really intends for this union to be. Ups and downs persist, they always will, but DYM has helped show me the tools & knowledge to navigate them and have a thriving and God honoring marriage.

I am forever thankful for DYM. Thank you for following your calling and your dedication. Have a wonderful weekend and God bless!!!"

We share these testimonies because God is SO good and He wants good in your marriage, too! We want to inspire hope and faith in you! Nothing is too difficult for Him!

(Alliteration is such a... joy--isn't it? :) Hoping that gave you a needed chuckle...

But seriously...

Mick's story is GREAT!

He is a dynamic, charismatic, and tell-it-straight kinda guy. When his marriage was shallow in terms of connection, emotionally and intimately, he jumped at an opportunity that seemed on target.

Well, the MAIN change was his heart. He shares some particulars on why that was so vital in the outward changes of his marriage.

But, he began to realize who God actually is calling him to be as a husband.

So... with lots of smiling he shared that they enjoyed (like never before...ever) "full-blown, wholehearted sexual intimacy...truly unbelievable."

Mick's transformation is truly awesome. But he really took responsibility. He wasn't interested in waiting to see what happens in his marriage.

He was ready to do the work and take 100% responsibility AND accountability for himself. His heart…his change…his commitment to Christ, and then…living it out in his marriage.

Is there hope for you?

Yes!

We serve "the God of hope." (Rom 15:13)

In fact, He wants you to "overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." (Same verse ^)

I encourage you to listen to Mick's story and witness God's transformation in him. Maybe you need this. Maybe a friend does…and you get to be the one to share it with them (like a friend shared it with his wife, and thus God did THIS in his marriage AND HIS KIDS!!!!)

Love & Blessings,

Belah

PS -- We'd love to see if we can serve you in a Clarity Call where you dig into your specific journey and we help you clarify the challenges, where you're going, and WHY.

And if we genuinely feel you'd be the right fit, we might invite you in (our Clarity Advisor is reimbursed regardless of the end result -- because this is truly our gift to you.) Go to delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Quote from a graduate: So... with lots of smiling he shared that they enjoyed (like never before...ever)... "full-blown, wholehearted sexual intimacy...truly unbelievable."

If you've ever seen a headline (one of mine or someone else's), "They did [this] and got [this]" you may have experienced a "transactional trigger".

My motivation is to attract people who need transformation in their marriages.

What I call "missional marketing", some may call "bait and switch", which is kind of true, too.

You may be someone who came for a certain outcome, but you listened and found out that to get that [thing], you have to change who you are - including your motivations.

For many, it works (by God's grace).

But, initially, it may have triggered transactional thinking for you.

This can lead you to believe that you're guaranteed a certain result if you do [X] for your spouse.

Here's what I hope for you.

I hope that you'll start your journey with an expectation of an incredible marriage and sex life and end your journey with a completely different set of motivations: to love your spouse the way Jesus loves them. Unconditionally.

Whether they do X or not, you get to love them the way Jesus does.

The cool thing is...

Humans are designed to respond very differently to unconditional love.

Humans heal.

Humans let down their guard.

Humans start to act differently when they know the rug won't be pulled out from under them at any moment.

The desperation ends.

Peace and freedom begin.

And marriage can become pretty amazing.

BUT your motivation should be to love your spouse unconditionally and enjoy--every moment--every smile--every laugh--every miscommunication--every peculiar habit--enjoy life alongside this wonderful God-designed being you get to love.

Blessings,

Belah

PS If you would like help in your marriage, we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call with our course advisor.

We truly care about you and your marriage and this call will help us and you evaluate if we can help you in your marriage. Schedule a free Clarity Call here. For the free resources, click here.

PPS From a graduate:

"It has transformed my relationship with my wife and with my coworkers and those I supervise. It has given me tools to listen and pray better and got me into the habit of daily gratitude. Every married man, regardless of how healthy or unhealthy your marriage, will benefit from the MR [Masculinity Reclaimed] program."

I used to think I only respected someone if they deserved it.

Whether that was my husband or the young adults I worked with. Which meant I didn't treat them with respect. Maybe not blatant disrespect as I saw it. But more neutral.

Though I have come to find out "neutral" is generally not good.

My natural tendency if I don't have the correct heart (that God created everyone and they should be treated with respect) is being mean.

Maybe it's our human nature?

Anyway, what I discovered is if I'm trying to tell my husband what's best for him, how he should improve, or what to do...

He's busy being mad at me rather than listening to the Holy Spirit and discovering his own journey to growth.

(We want our husbands to be the spiritual leaders right? Then we've gotta stop being their spiritual leader.

​​And give them the space and support and encouragement to do it for themselves.)

But he was so untrustworthy. Inconsistent. Unhelpful. Unreliable. Irresponsible. And worse...

I was doing everything and unless I would nag, push, correct, complain, teach, criticize... it wouldn't get done.

I was so exhausted.

It wasn't until I decided to

1-​​forgive

​and no longer hold his past over his head---let him be a new man in my eyes,

​

2-​let God change my heart according to His will,

​

3-​change my words, and

​

4-​behave respectfully...

Did I witness my husband transform.

And He changed without my "brilliantly helpful" input.

I also speak to women who have experienced betrayal in the form of pornography, an affair or something else.

My heart breaks for you. I would love to hold you in your legitimate anger and pain.

And I want to give some guidance on what I think is helpful next steps.

I encourage you to listen with an open heart and see if God has a nugget of wisdom that you need in your life.

Blessings,

Belah

PS If you need immediate help, please schedule a Clarity Call ($300 value) for free at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

A Clarity Advisor will walk through your specific situation with you and help discern if this is the right fit for you to witness God's transformation of your marriage. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

PPS From a Delight Your Marriage wife:

"It's been so amazing! I still call it a rollercoaster, because there are ups and downs, but the ups are way more than the downs now and that's a huge win! I honestly was at a place where I didn't like my husband a lot of the times...

I now WANT to spend time with him, miss him when we're apart, initiate intimacy, and enjoy intimacy!"

When I look back on my life — when I see what is currently unseen — when I see Jesus face to face — when all has been revealed…

I am convinced I will be BLOWN AWAY by the love I never realized He truly had for me.

In the Bible, it says that God feeds the birds. (Mt 6:26)

He FEEDS the birds.

I was observing birds yesterday in the park.

There are tons of them, flitting around, this way and that.

And yet the God of the universe cares about His creation, so much so, that He Himself feeds the birds!

He is intimately aware of your life and what you're going through.

And He is feeding you. He is clothing you. He is giving you far more than just that.

He wants you to realize that in every good AND in every suffering, He remains good.

There is SO much you (and I) cannot see.

He allows suffering for His reasons only He can see.

But when you trust this truth that He is the one that gives everything that is right in your life — it allows you to see the suffering better.

You can endure the suffering with a peace, a joy, and a contentment that is important.

In fact, when you have that peace/joy/contentment during the suffering, you will accomplish at least some of the important purposes He has for that suffering.

Make no mistake, God cares about your suffering.

God cares about the rejection you feel from your spouse.

He cares about your loneliness in the one supposedly "safe relationship" – your marriage.

He cares about the lack of intimacy.

He cares about the lack of warmth.

He cares when your spouse ignores the cravings of your soul that you were designed to have.

He cares.

And IN THIS He is good.

If we only knew how much He truly loved you…

He would risk you possibly turning away from him due to that suffering because He has bigger purposes.

Remember…

Higher than the heavens are above the earth are His ways higher than our ways, are His thoughts higher than our thoughts.

We do NOT have to understand.

We DO have to trust His goodness.

That starts with realizing, if the God of the Universe feeds each of these birds, that means he makes each of my breaths happen, each of my blood vessels moves when they are meant to.

It means He causes my son to smile at me.

It means He causes my eyes to even see the sunset.

It means that He not only knit me together in my mother's womb for 9 to 10 months…

But He didn't stop.

He is still in me.

He is still designing, directing, causing all these things to go well in me.

EVERY good gift is from Him.

Even the ones I don't take time to notice.

When my arm breaks it should remind me that He was the one that caused it to thrive every other day.

If we only soaked in the truth of His love, we could more easily trust it during the suffering… He is still good.

If we only knew His love.

If we only knew His love.

If we only knew His love.

May you know the love of Christ.

May I know it, too.

Love & Blessings,

Belah

PS If you would like help with your marriage, we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call with our advisor. This call allows us to help you evaluate where you are in your marriage, and whether or not we are a good fit for you. Click here to schedule a free call.

PPS When a graduate of Masculinity Reclaimed (MR) was asked:

Do you recommend MR?

"I do far more than recommend it, I advocate for it and fortunately one couple has joined both MR [Masculinity Reclaimed] and DW [Delighted Wife] as a result. Why - because MR is filled with lots of explanations of what and why things need to occur, but it's also very heavy on HOW to do things, which is missing from all other marriage content out there. Plus, Belah's insight is extraordinary. When she was describing in podcasts about why men enjoy oral sex I stopped and remarked to myself, that's 1000% correct. I never thought about it, but she's 1000% correct. So the degree to which Belah has insight and understanding into the male and female psyches is extraordinary.

Massively improved our marriage. Brought me closer to God. Helped me see my wife in an entirely different way. Set us on a path to healing. Facilitate mind-blowing, real-deal sexual intimacy (aka wholehearted sexual intimacy) and helped me get better at being vulnerable, sharing my vulnerability, and be more sensitized to when my wife is being vulnerable. With more time I can easily think of more things.

I never once questioned if what I spent on MR was worth it, because without question it was."

Do you feel broken? Dirty? Ashamed?

These are all normal feelings for a victim of sexual trauma.

Do you know what feelings Lisa now has?

Freedom. Confidence. Trust.

One in four, or even one in three women, have been victims of sexual abuse.

One in six men have been.

So, many of us need the HOPE for healing Lisa gives us.

Was it instant?

Was it easy to confront?

Was it comfortable to start this process?

No.

She had to have courage to get out and join a healing process to get to the other side where God ultimately wanted her to be.

You will love her story and the encouragements she gives.

Especially the one and most important thing that she wants you to know, if you've been abused.

Love & Blessings,

Belah

PS - If you'd like to get "vision", the opportunity for "intention" and the "means" to transformation (as Dallas Willard says)...

I invite you to sign up for a Clarity Call. You'll work with a Clarity Advisor to discern that vision. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Looking forward to seeing how God heals you!