Delight Your Marriage

The FREE Masculinity Reclaimed Foundations training is back for the last time this year. If you missed it previously, join on September 12 -- sign up at delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining

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First of all.

I'd like to tell you that I'm right in all that I do.

In fact, I'd like to say that I'm right... all the time.

I'd also like to tell you that I'm right even when others think I'm wrong.

I'd especially like to tell you that I'm right when other people think I'm right. (I mean, isn't that extra confirmation that I am definitely right...?)

So, the truth is...

[I have] become like something unclean, and all [my] righteous acts are like filthy rags (Is 64:6).

Even the things I think I did that are right... are filthy.

Even the things you think I did that were right... are filthy.

Oh, but then the things I did that were wrong! (The things I am sure were wrong... eek!)

I hope you see where I'm going with all of this.

You're in the same sad boat that I am.

And... it's sinking.

Seriously.

Can you imagine being on a boat in the middle of the ocean, and it sprung a leak... and then another... and then another...

Seriously, take a moment to put the picture in your mind... breathe fast... your stomach is turning and feel utter alarm and desperation.

The ONLY way you could survive is by being saved.

That's what's happening here. You and me. We are in a leaky boat in the middle of the ocean.

We desperately need to be saved.

Every single time we sin and we hammer a hole in our boat, we need a Savior to restore it. We can't do that ourselves.

When we try to defend our sin, we continue to hammer through the sides of our boat.

What does this look like in your marriage...

As an example, when you are rude and cruel to your spouse (disrespecting and/or making them feel unsafe), you hammered a hole in your "marriage boat".

And then you defend your own righteousness by saying they triggered you... thus hammering another hole in your "marriage boat". Making your marriage worse.

The marriage boat is sinking and your self-righteousness is making it worse... it's going to continue to make it worse and worse and worse.

You can't fix it.

We can't hammer our way out of a leaky boat.

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How hopeless this is for people who don't depend on Jesus.

If you don't, here's how it is...

You know you're on a leaky boat. You've made mistakes and your whole sense of self is tied up to being a good person.

So, when you see evilness in yourself, it threatens you're whole identity of being a good person. And you can't erode your whole identity by humbling yourself and saying you were wrong (!?)

Of course not! It wasn't your fault, you were triggered, someone didn't do something they should have... it was someone else's fault.

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Do you see yourself in that description?

Are you following Jesus? Do you really believe in Him? Is He really your King, Master, Lord?

Is He mine? Every. Single. Day?

Our boat is sinking.

That's why only in Jesus is there hope.

We need forgiveness for our sin against God and others.

We need Jesus over and over and over again.

Every day.

Every single action.

It's pride to think we can do it ourselves.

It's pride to think we're good enough.

It's pride to think we are righteous.

It's pride, to defend our own righteousness.

It's even pride to think we can do something great for God without Him.

That's why our burdens are heavy. We think it's our job to do what only God can do. We just need to be grateful slaves. Humbled servants. Dying to ourselves and doing it God's way.

Humility means depending on Him.

Humility is coming before Him.

Humility is needing Him.

Humility is resting in Him.

Humility is being faithful to Him.

Humility is not contriving and defending an identity of perfection, it's boasting in our weaknesses.

Instead, go before Jesus, hand your worry, your issue, your burden, your identity, your pride to Him.

Humble yourself... you can't fix your sinking boat.

You need to be saved. Over and over again.

If you're married... you have hurt your spouse. You have hurt others in your life.

And that was sinning against a precious child of God.

That was sinning against God.

That was tarnishing God's name in front of them. You represented God and you did evil to them. That was sin.

Here's your hope. This is the process.

1- Repent to Jesus --

Confess your need for Him. Accept His sacrifice for all of your sins, and believe in Jesus to be saved. Make Him truly your Lord. (Start reading the Bible and find a Bible-believing church to be discipled).

2- Every day after your first conversion, continue in the same way --- repent of that new sin that He reveals. Come closer to Him over and over and over. That is His invitation.

3- Regarding marriage, your next step is to repent -- tell them the wrong you did, own it, listen to and validate their hurt, and say genuinely how sorry you are that you hurt them like that. That you were wrong.

Guess what that means?

You're strong!

Because you humbled yourself, that means you're strong.

[God said:] "'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness'

[Paul said:] For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Cor 12:9 & 10b)

Humble yourself today.

Accept Jesus' sacrifice today.

Accept Him saving your boat today.

And then apologize to others you've hurt.

Don't squander today.

You don't know how many days you have left.

I don't do right. You don't do right. Jesus is right. :)

Love,

Belah

PS -- If you're a husband, you want to love your wife the way she was designed by God to be loved.

Maybe you know you have hurt her, you've accepted Jesus sacrifice but you don't know what to do next... this free training is going to be a big help.

The free Masculinity Reclaimed Foundations course will be coming on September 12, 2022 -- Sign up here. delightyourmarriage.com/menstraining

Alternate Title: 7 Steps to a Productive Disagreement

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Arguing. Ugh. It's so... so... unhelpful.

When have you left an argument where the dust has settled and you felt 100% good with everything you said -- your eyes, your words, your tones...? Everything.

In fact, how would you feel if your church congregation watched what you said and did?

Would you be proud of yourself?

Would you feel small and immature?

Usually, after an argument, I only feel the latter.

To clarify, what I mean by arguing is having elevated emotions when we start using a stronger voice and intense words.

Essentially, the judging/reasoning/impulse-control part of our brains (pre-frontal cortex) goes offline during that stressful conversation and we're left with the "lizard brain" which only knows how to flight, fight, or freeze.

All the wisdom that we have cultivated throughout all of our lives and have prayed for and read about, goes out of the window during an argument.

We say things we don't mean and throw verbal knives at each other.

Sure, we might apologize for it the next day when we're calm, but those words leave scars.

So, can we ever disagree?

Yes.

We need to disagree. That's healthy and correct.

We need to be courageous and disagree about things that matter.

But we need to do it the Jesus way.

I have some very practical tips on how to disagree well, and how to honor God in it.

It's easy to use "popular thinking" and just say what you think. But the Bible is clear that's not best.

"We all stumble in many ways. Anyone who is never at fault in what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check...

The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell." James 3:1 & 6

(Also, see the full book of James for more of this type of goodness. :)

How do we make sure we're not setting forest fires with our mouth?

Well, I have given you 7 or 8 keys in this episode that if we could consistently apply, I'd be a closer reflection of Jesus, and I think you would be, too.

Love & Blessings,

Belah

PS - We'd love to help you with your marriage and intimacy - to be connected, and for you to rate your marriage a 9 or even a 10 out of 10 marriage!

If you're interested in finding out if we can help you, sign up for a free Clarity Call at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Encouraging believers is a very biblical concept in the New Testament.

I want to encourage you in this episode.

I am praying for several people through this episode:

7:00 - invitation prayer

8:30 - prayer for men who feel like they're not leaders in their home

12:28 - men who are receiving frequency in intimacy, but it feels like a duty from their wife

14:30 - men who don't have frequency in intimacy and lack joy in their marriage

17:00 - women who have a critical and judgmental husband

19:45 - women who want to find pleasure and desire

23:30 - churches and ministries and pastors who would have courage to address the hard issues around sex, sin, desire, & God-designed passion

May God give you grace and strength and encouragement - wherever you are in this mix. Or, if you want to agree and pray with me on these topics.

Love & Blessings,

Belah

PS We're here to bring hope and help in all these areas of your marriage...we invite you to schedule a Clarity Call to see if we can help you.

*"I speak the name of Jesus over you

In your hurting, in your sorrow

I will ask my God to move..."

*Lyrics to "In Jesus Name" by Katy Nichole

I'm excited to share that my wonderful friend Darcy is here to share her story and advice for you!

She is actually the Delight Your Marriage Office Manager, and she reads all of your emails and prays for all of those who are suffering and in such difficulty in their marriages. She often weeps for you and truly, truly cares about you and feels your pain for those of you who are in need of hope.

Her conversation today reflects what God has done in her and what she prays He does in you. I am excited to let you hear what she has to say!

Love,

Belah

--

Thank you, Belah, for giving me this opportunity.

God is doing and has done so many amazing things and what an honor to testify of His power, love, and goodness!

*"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands." Ps. 63:3-4

I pray that God speaks to and encourages many weary hearts through this podcast.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." Prov. 13:12

This is my prayer for you:

Father, thank You for the one listening to this podcast. Thank You that You know them...intimately! You know how many hairs are on their head. You know their hurts, desires, and joys.

You desire good for them and desire them to know and experience You and Your love in ways that will reveal to them the abundant life that You have offered to any who will come to You in faith in Jesus and walk in the power of the Spirit of God.

Father, you see the tears. You see the brokenness. Even more incredibly, You care about them and have the power to do something good with them.

God, You know that we so often want to run from hurt and pain! Teach us to trust You...to take You at Your word...

I encourage you to read this scripture as though you've never read it before:

*"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Rom. 8:18-28

Thank You, Father, that You NEVER lie! Thank You that we can cling to You and Your promises through every storm, every hurt, every disappointment, and every thing that we face on this planet! People may fail us, but You NEVER do!

You use the trials and pain to teach us greater things. You may seem far off at times, yet You are more interested in the details of our lives than we could ever imagine!

Teach us to relinquish everything we hold onto to You, trusting that You will never disappoint...we wait on You.

...in Jesus' name, I ask this, amen.

So, dear listener, remember:

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Ps. 34:18

*"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Ps. 37:4

And let me ask you:

How long was Joseph a slave and a prisoner?

How long did David wait for the throne or Abraham and Sarah wait for a son?

How long were the Jews in captivity?

Hebrews 11 tells us that some died not yet having received the promise, yet they looked forward in faith and believed what God said.

God asked Abraham to sacrifice the fulfillment of His promise - Isaac. Abraham was willing. He even got up early the next morning to do so.

Likely not because he felt like it or wanted to, but because he believed God.

Husband...wife...are you willing to believe God?

Are you willing to sacrifice what you hold dear and trust God to deliver on His promises regardless of how bad things look and regardless of how long it takes?

Faith fleshes out in obedience. Because Abraham believed God, he acted like he believed God.

What does that look like for you in your situation today?

He is worthy! He is faithful! You and I can bank on it!

Grateful for His presence and His great and precious promises,

Darcy

Office Manager

*(All verses are in the ESV Bible version - emphasis mine)

PS If you would like to grow in your walk with God in many various ways, and particularly how that relates to your marriage, we invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call with our very caring Clarity Call advisor - click here to schedule

A testimonial from a course graduate:

"I was very, very nervous to try this program out. My wife still doesn't know about my involvement and I was very nervous about doing this without her knowledge.

But it has really exceeded any expectations I had about what might happen in my marriage.

I do believe I will talk with my wife about MR, in the right time, and I think it will go just fine. But if that is the reason you are hesitating, I can tell you…it really can work!"

Well, first of all, I feel very ill-equipped to answer this question.

However, I don't think it serves you best for me to pretend that I don't know the limited things that I do believe God has taught me.

So, with that in mind, I'd like to share the general themes of today's episode

-humility

-the horrific humiliation of the cross

-how that makes us more surrendered followers

-the necessity of solitude

-the reality of our nothingness which we will only perceive should we stay in solitude long enough

-how I wrestle and fight pride and seek humility -- and how I always hope to.

May this draw you closer to who God wants you to be.

Blessings,

Belah

Invitation: Would you like help in your marriage? We truly do care and so does God! Have you given up hope of change? God can do the impossible!

We invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call with a caring, understanding advisor here at Delight Your Marriage. Click here to schedule.

Here is what one man shared about the Clarity Call experience: "Fear and shame tried to stop me from a clarity call. I had to humble myself to get the help I needed. The advisor was warm and friendly and could empathize with my situation."

Invitation: Would you like help in your marriage? We truly do care and so does God! Have you given up hope of change? God can do the impossible! We invite you to schedule a free Clarity Call with a caring, understanding advisor here at Delight Your Marriage. Click here to schedule.

Here is what one man shared about the Clarity Call experience: "Fear and shame tried to stop me from a clarity call. I had to humble myself to get the help I needed. The advisor was warm and friendly and could empathize with my situation."

A quote from a course graduate: "Nothing good ever comes easy, so if you are ready to stop trying to get your marriage and your intimacy to a good place and start TRAINING to get your marriage and your intimacy to a good place…this program is for you."

When God said, "Let there be light," something amazing happened.

When I said, "Let there be light," ummm... well... I felt silly and 0 things, amazing or not, happened.

I guess I'm just not God. Which is surprising?

No, it's not.

But, the world thinks we get to decide who God is.

Unfortunately, too many Christians feel that way, too.

It's tragic.

God is not us.

And we don't get to live by feelings.

We don't get to say, "Today I feel x, so it must be true."

A follower of Jesus -- surrendered -- taking up his/her cross -- dying to his/herself -- is not led by his/her feelings.

Feelings of right and wrong...

Feelings of attraction or non-attraction (to spouse or many types of others...)

Feelings of desire for sexual intimacy...

Feelings of pleasure in sex...

Does this mean as a follower of Jesus you have to do things you don't want to do?

...

Ummm...

...

Yes.

Does it mean that you have to do what the Bible says?

...

Ummm...

...

Yes.

Are there things I don't LIKE that the Bible says?

Yes.

Am I the one who said "Let there be light," and something happened?

No.

So, I get to humbly submit to the God and author of ALL and say "You're smarter, You're wiser, Your ways are better, and I'm going to submit my will/feelings/desires to You".

My sexuality included.

"No one should say God is tempting me...

but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death...

[God] does not change like shifting shadows. He chose to give us birth through the word of truth."

So, stop asking, "Why am I tempted?" Or, "Why don't I have desire for my spouse?" Or, "Why don't I enjoy sex?"

And instead, embrace the cross of Christ. Deny yourself. And decide this IS God's best for You.

The surrendered Christian's questions become: "How do I do this Your way?" "How do I have desire for my spouse?" "How do I love MY spouse the way You created them?" "How do I enjoy and find pleasure in the sexual intimacy You designed and ordained and said I should not withhold?"

Yes -- sexual intimacy is a spiritual battle. Do you surrender all to Jesus?

Or are you still self-surrendered? Self-guided? Self-centered?

I pray that this would be as convicting to you as it is to me. May you listen and feel God calling you to greater repentance, depth, love, and worship of Him.

Love,

Belah

PS -- We'd love to partner with you in this. God doesn't ask us to do any of this alone. We love helping people into joy in sexual intimacy and marriage at every level in every area. Get on a call with a Clarity Advisor to see if you'd be the right fit for us to help you in this vital part of life. delightyourmarriage.com/cc

Clarity is crucial in a marriage because it allows individuals to gain self-awareness, understand their own emotions and behaviors, and without even realizing it, it can help you take responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamics. Maybe you didn't "cause it" but you haven't worked to solve it.

When couples face challenges or conflicts, it's easy to blame each other or external factors without examining what is really going on under the surface of the behaviors. A Clarity Call encourages an individual to look carefully at themselves, their patterns, history, and reflect on their thoughts, feelings, actions, and current situation.

Sign up for a free Clarity Call today! Delightyourmarriage.com/cc

By engaging in a Clarity Call, individuals can identify their own patterns and unresolved issues that may be impacting the relationship. It helps them recognize their own biases, insecurities, woundedness, and areas for personal growth. Through a Clarity Call, individuals can better understand how their own behaviors and reactions may influence the dynamics within the marriage.

Believe it or not, a Clarity Call can also foster empathy and compassion. When Dana speaks with an individual -- they take the time to understand their own experiences, process them, and become more attuned to their partner's emotions and perspectives.

This increased awareness enables them to approach conflicts with empathy, communicate more effectively, and find solutions that meet both partners' needs.

This is why the individuals on today's call said this:

• "After that call, everything that I went through, it was just like, all the pieces of a major puzzle being put together."

• "You make it very easy. You make it our lives are in chaos and you guys just speak peace right into that situation and calm it down to where we can unload what we need to unload."

• "It was a great experience something I'll never forget because it was a great moment that I'll hold dear to my heart for the rest of my life."

Sign up for a free Clarity Call today! Delightyourmarriage.com/cc

I am sharing the episode that has the most downloads at Delight Your Marriage of all time!

Blessings, Belah

PS - Also, I have many free resources and would love to invite you to check them out: delightyourmarriage.com/free

PPS - If you need help with your marriage -- do not hesitate to apply for a free Clarity Call. One of our Clarity Advisors (a former graduate of a DYM course themselves and experienced transformation in their own marriage) will guide you through the process to determine how we can help you. Sign up at delightyourmarriage.com/cc

A recent grad wrote,

"I could probably fill a journal with the celebrations I experienced in the program!...

By far, the biggest celebrations have been what God has done in my heart! Our sex life has never been better…

our times of making love are passionate, tender, emotional and spiritual."

If your marriage is still plagued by your past mistakes -- she brings up what happened 20 years ago... or he brings up how you used to be all the time...

What can you do to heal it?

How can you two move forward and actually build a better marriage?

I would like you to remember some important scriptures on this topic:

It is His kindness that leads us to repentance.

He disciplines those He loves.

Whoever heeds discipline shows the ways to life.

And then this is the one that's super practical:

"if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar.

First, go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

How do you reconcile?

Apologize.

How do you make your apologies effective?

That is what I want to walk through with you on this episode.

I want you to have all of the know-how to get out there and do the scary, excruciating but necessary thing of owning your side and apologizing for it.

Is it 100% your fault. I bet not.

But, there is always an opportunity for us to own our side and for the purposes of getting right before God -- go and repair with your spouse.

I hope this helps and gives you the encouragement you need to do the right thing.

Blessings,

Belah

PS -- We'd love to support you in your marriage -- feel free to get on a Clarity Call with a Clarity Advisor to see how we can help transform your ho-hum marriage to one that's warm and inviting!

A recent grad wrote:

"I'm not exaggerating, I'm keeping it real…this is what I would tell anyone who asked…

I had been praying intensely for my marriage daily for 8 months... I had very limited improvements until starting the program.

The [Clarity] Advisor was warm and friendly and could empathize with my situation.

This program helped me stop doing the things that were undermining my efforts to improve my marriage.

I have spent much more money trying to rekindle my marriage with no results.

This might possibly be the best investment of my life."

We'd love to have you see this kind of transformation! delightyourmarriage.com/cc

When I look back on my life -- when I see what is currently unseen -- when I see Jesus face to face -- when all has been revealed...

I am convinced I will be BLOWN AWAY by the love I never realized He truly had for me.

In the Bible, it says that God feeds the birds. (Mt 6:26)

He FEEDS the birds.

I was observing birds yesterday in the park.

There are tons of them, flitting around, this way and that.

And yet the God of the universe cares about His creation, so much so, that He Himself feeds the birds!

He is intimately aware of your life and what you're going through.

And He is feeding you. He is clothing you. He is giving you far more than just that.

He wants you to realize that in every good AND in every suffering, He remains good.

There is SO much you (and I) cannot see.

He allows suffering for His reasons only He can see.

But when you trust this truth that He is the one that gives everything that is right in your life -- it allows you to see the suffering better.

You can endure the suffering with a peace, a joy, and a contentment that is important.

In fact, when you have that peace/joy/contentment during the suffering, you will accomplish at least some of the important purposes He has for that suffering.

Make no mistake, God cares about your suffering.

God cares about the rejection you feel from your spouse.

He cares about your loneliness in the one supposedly "safe relationship" - your marriage.

He cares about the lack of intimacy.

He cares about the lack of warmth.

He cares when your spouse ignores the cravings of your soul that you were designed to have.

He cares.

And IN THIS He is good.

If we only knew how much He truly loved you...

He would risk you possibly turning away from him due to that suffering because He has bigger purposes.

Remember...

Higher than the heavens are above the earth are His ways higher than our ways, are His thoughts higher than our thoughts.

We do NOT have to understand.

We DO have to trust His goodness.

That starts with realizing, if the God of the Universe feeds each of these birds, that means he makes each of my breaths happen, each of my blood vessels moves when they are meant to.

It means He causes my son to smile at me.

It means He causes my eyes to even see the sunset.

It means that He not only knit me together in my mother's womb for 9 to 10 months...

But He didn't stop.

He is still in me.

He is still designing, directing, causing all these things to go well in me.

EVERY good gift is from Him.

Even the ones I don't take time to notice.

When my arm breaks it should remind me that He was the one that caused it to thrive every other day.

If we only soaked in the truth of His love, we could more easily trust it during the suffering... He is still good.

If we only knew His love.

If we only knew His love.

If we only knew His love.

May you know the love of Christ.

May I know it, too.

Love & Blessings,

Belah