Sometimes we ask more philosophical questions about the future of our marriages. One of those is that age-old question, do opposites attract? It turns out they do – and they don’t... How confusing is that!

The research actually seems very contradictory over the whole opposites/similarities thing until you start to pull it apart carefully. Which is what Caleb loves to do… :)

This topic actually came from a concern from one of our listeners, and we’ve heard it echoed elsewhere – that uncertainty of “our marriage is struggling and we’re just so different. Can this really work out for us?”

Spoiler Alert: Yes, it can! It may just take a bit more work…

Do Opposites Attract?

Let’s try to answer this question. People say opposites attract but is that the case? Well, when it comes to the methods people use to choose their future spouse, some research suggests that people tend to look for individuals who are similar to themselves and who represent their ideal preferences for a romantic partner.

In 2003, 978 individuals completed a two-part questionnaire. They “first rated the importance they placed on 10 attributes in a long-term spouse and then rated their perception of themselves on those same attributes.”[i] These attributes were grouped into four categories: wealth and status, family commitment, physical appearance, and sexual fidelity.

The results showed that people looked for a spouse who was similar to themselves. This makes it look like people don’t attract opposites until you really look at the four categories.

These categories are based on values, appearance, and socioeconomic status. In those ways, we often do look for someone similar to ourselves.

What Happens When You Marry Your Opposite?

Despite the fact that the previous research supports a “likes-attracts rule”, many people end up married to someone who is their opposite. When we look at the research on whether opposites or similar get along better, there’s some interesting conclusions.

Unfortunately, there’s no straight answer to this question. Some research suggests that similar couples are happier and other studies suggest that too much similarity can lead to difficulties in the marriage. The research is conflicting!

Marrying Your Opposite Can Lead to Lower Marital Satisfaction

One study we looked at said that opposites don’t work as well. The researchers supported the idea that personality similarities are positively related to marital quality.

They measure marital quality and personality in a sample of 291 newlyweds.

Marital quality is the usual stuff like measuring intimacy, how they handle conflict, how agreed they are on different areas of life, etc.

Personality was measured using the Five-Factor Personality Inventory which looks at the five factors of:

Extraversion: level of sociability and enthusiasm

Agreeableness: level of friendliness and kindness

Conscientiousness: level of organization and work ethic

Emotional stability: level of calmness and tranquility

Intellect/autonomy: level of creativity and curiosity

The results showed a positive association between personality similarity and marital quality. So, the more similar these newlywed couples were, the greater their marital quality.[ii]

Dissimilar Personalities Can Lead to More Passionate Relationships

However, other research suggests that this is not always the case! A study from 2007 investigated three things in 137 couples: relationship onset (love at firs sight vs. gradually becoming involved), personality (same 5 measure as above), and relationship quality.[iii]

Results of the study showed that “partners who fell in love at first sight…showed more dissimilar personalities”.[iv] However, it also found that “individuals prefer to select partners with similar personalities as themselves, but that they only succeed in doing so when they have the opportunity and time to get to know each other.”[v] Also, “partners who fell in love,