Boys know that deep friendships are critical to mental health, says Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologists who’s been studying boys for 40 years.

But as boys move through their teenage years, many of them — as many as 70-80% — find it difficult to connect with other boys. Why? “Boy culture,” says Dr. Way, author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, noting that she uses that term to describe the stereotypical “boy” expectations which state that boys & men should be strong & indepedent. And in many cultures, that “boy culture” has spread to the culture at large.

“Sucess, manhood, & modernity privilege the need for autonomy, not the need for connection,” Dr. Way says. The message most of us get is that maturity = self-sufficiency.

That message may be harming the mental health of all of us, as humans as meant to be inter-dependent.

Rebels, Dr. Way says, is not solely about boys & men, but about all of us & the culture in which we live. “Everybody needs relationships, connections, and friendships,” she says.

Learning from boys to improve life for us all

“We come into the world with natural relational intelligence, and we don’t value it,” Dr. Way says. So, we need to “nurture our 5-year-old capacity to look at each other with wonder, and rather than say, ‘what’s wrong with you?’, to say, ‘what can I learn from you, about you, & also about me?””

Dr. Niobe Way says that we in the United States (& many countries) over-attribute boys’ & mens’ behavior to biology. Yes, biology influences & affects male behavior. But culture also plays a critical role — as evidenced by the fact that other cultures throughout the world & history live out male friendships differently.

“The reality is that we used to be a very different culture in terms of valuing our ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ sides,” she says.

Recognizing the impact of culture frees us up to make necessary changes. Because as a 7th grade boy once told Dr. Way, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.”

All humans can be a-holes; all can be compassionate. All have relational intelligence that needs to be nurtured.

“Kids do come into the world with different temperments,” Dr. Way says. “We shouldn’t immediately assume that boys who have trouble expressing their feelings are ‘troubled.'” She advises parents to “move past the idea that they [boys] have to express themselves to us,” noting that many kids directly resist parental pressure.

Instead, we should help our children develop healthy, mutually-supportive relationships. Start by normalizing the desire to be deeply connected to other people. (Talk about it with your boys!) Engage in a dialogue about relationships — and that may include sharing some info about your own joys & challenges in relationships with fellow humans. Expresse curiosity, rather than judgment.

Stop focusing so much time and attention on academics. Help kids build relationships instead.

Takeaways:

• Boys have a strong desire for close friendships and articulate the need for emotional connection and support.
• Friendships are linked to boys’ mental health and well-being.
• Boys often struggle to form and maintain deep friendships as they get older, which can lead to a crisis of connection.
• Boy culture, which devalues emotional expression and connection, plays a significant role in boys’ ability to form and maintain friendships.
• The findings from boys’ experiences can teach us about the importance of relationships and connection for all individuals, regardless of gender. Boys are capable of deep emotional connections, but may not express themselves as much as girls due to societal expectations.
• Parents should focus on helping their children develop healthy relationships with others, rather than solely relying on emotional expression towards them.
• Normalizing the desire for deep connections and valuing children’s curiosity and opinions is crucial for their emotional well-being.

Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:

www.niobe-way.com

Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe Way

Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe Way

Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek Murthy

Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise Eliot

When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy Chu

The Listening Project

Dr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episode

Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode

 

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