Parenting Without Power Struggles

In this episode, Susan explores what happens when our children are disappointed, upset, or frustrated — and why our instinct to fix, minimize, or rescue them from that feeling often does more harm than good. Using the example of a child upset about a not getting to wear a favorite shirt, she demonstrates what it sounds like to sit with a child's disappointment instead of steering them out of it, and why that "big fat period" of silence can be more powerful than any explanation.

• Why rushing to fix or minimize a child's disappointment can quietly signal, "I don't believe you can handle this."
• Why kids are built to survive disappointment — and how repeated small setbacks build real resilience.
• Why sitting with discomfort, rather than fixing it, is itself a powerful form of connection

Full transcript here

In this episode, Susan explores what happens after Lawyer or Dictator mode has taken over and you've lost your cool. She explains why the goal isn't to stay serene all the time, and why genuine repair, done well, teaches a child that relationships can survive rupture. Susan breaks down the steps of effective repair like, and why a quick "I'm sorry, but..." doesn't count.

• How rupture followed by real repair teaches a child that conflict doesn't mean the end of connection.
• Why it's okay if your child doesn't respond warmly to your apology.
• How naming your "parts" to your child can open the door to greater connection. Full transcript here

In this episode, Susan connects Internal Family Systems to three modes she's taught for years: Captain, Lawyer, and Dictator. Using a real dinnertime example, she shows how a child's simple request can pull a parent from calm boundary-setting into defending themselves, and eventually into threats, once an old protective part takes over.

• What Captain-mode language sounds like across homework, screens, bedtime, and chores.
• How arguing (Lawyer mode) and threatening (Dictator mode) both come from protective parts trying to shield you from old pain.
• How your child's simple "it's not fair" can be met without defending yourself or needing to win

Full transcript here

Eckhart Tolle's foreword to Parenting With Presence here.

In this episode, Susan unpacks Richard Schwartz's term "tor-mentor" — the idea that our children, in the moments they frustrate us most, are also mentoring us toward healing. Ordinary friction, like being ignored, can trigger reactions far bigger than the moment calls for, often knocking into old, buried wounds. Susan explains this isn't about blaming kids — it's about recognizing that the intensity of our reactions is information worth exploring with curiosity.

• Why a child ignoring a request can trigger rage disproportionate to the moment — and what that intensity is really telling you.
• The IFS concept of "unblending" — creating just enough distance from a reaction to meet it with curiosity instead of being swept away.
• What it means to see your child as both the catalyst of some of your hardest moments and your path to healing.

Transcript here

Susan continues her Parenting Without Power Struggles series on Internal Family Systems, introducing "manager" parts. A healthy manager keeps life running smoothly, but when driven by old fears or insecurities, it can tip into perfectionism, control, or people-pleasing, often at a cost to our peace and our relationships. Susan explains why these parts formed, and why the path forward is curiosity, not judgment.

• How managers that run on fear form in childhood, often in unpredictable or conditional-love environments.
• Examples of perfectionist, controller, over-planner, and people-pleaser managers in everyday parenting moments.
• Why an overworked manager can "run out of steam" — often exactly when a firefighter part steps in to take over.

Transcript here

Susan continues her Parenting Without Power Struggles series on Internal Family Systems, exploring how "firefighter" parts trigger intense reactivity, rage, and regrettable parenting moments. She explains that parents often fixate on what went wrong and overlook what went well — a result of the brain's survival-based negativity bias, which fuels shame and discouragement rather than change.

Susan describes why firefighter parts need consistent proof that a grounded, wise Self ("Captain of the ship") can handle hard moments without escalating, and how logging small successes helps those protective parts relax their grip over time.

In this episode, you'll learn:

1. Why your brain is wired to magnify threats and mistakes
2. Why understanding a reactive pattern intellectually isn't enough to change it — protective parts need proof, not insight.
3. How a moment as small as catching yourself and stepping out of the room counts as real evidence of change — not a near-failure.

Transcript available here

Chapters: 00:00 Welcome and Recap 02:12 Why Negatives Stick 03:55 Survival Brain Bias 05:36 Firefighters and Self 11:06 Build Proof With Wins 14:36 Daily Five Wins Homework 18:32 Small Steps and Growth 19:57 Coaching and Wrap Up

In this episode, Susan explores what Internal Family Systems (IFS) calls "firefighter" parts — protective parts that flood in with fast, intense reactions like rage, trying to put out old emotional pain, often at a cost to the relationship. She explains why these reactions aren't really about your child's behavior, and why healing them doesn't require your child to change first — using a real coaching conversation as an illustration along the way.

In this episode, you'll learn:

• What a firefighter part is in IFS, and why intense, "zero to sixty" reactions are often this part protecting an old, tender wound — not a reflection of your character as a parent.
• How to recognize the moment a firefighter part has "hijacked" you, and why simply noticing it is the first and most powerful step.
• Why healing this pattern doesn't just improve your relationship with your child — it breaks a cycle that would otherwise pass down to the next generation.

Full episode transcript available here

In this episode, Susan introduces the core idea behind Internal Family Systems and what it means for parenting: beneath our anxiety, anger, and overwhelm is a calm, confident "Wise Self" — the steady part of us that functions as the Captain of the ship for our kids. When our children act out, it's a protective part of us that takes over, not our true Self.

• Why our reactive outbursts ("I didn't mean to say that!") come from protective parts, not our Wise Self.
• How old wounds get reactivated by our kids' behavior, fueling out-of-proportion reactions.
• Why the real work of parenting isn't finding the perfect script, but learning to stay anchored to our calm, "captain of the ship" Self.

Transcript available at this page

In this conversation, Susan and Dr. Kristin Neff talks about the importance of cultivating both fierce and tender self-compassion, offering specific practices that parents can easily use when they're feeling overwhelmed, angry, or simply being hard on themselves. https://susanstiffelman.com/podcast-episode-kristin-neff/

In this episode, Susan talks with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of author of the new book, It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, as well as the books Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Surviving A Relationship With A Narcissist, and Don't You Know Who I Am? How To Stay Sane In An Era Of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility. Susan and Dr. Durvasula discuss difficulties, grief and legal challenges associated with co-parenting with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. https://susanstiffelman.com/podcast-episodes-ramani-durvasula/