Evolutionary Men

What is Shadow work and why is it so important for men? How connected are the mind and body when it comes to our traumas? How does doing deep work in groups impact our nervous system? Listen as I chat with Chris Jerome, my co-facilitator for our deep dive weekends for men as we break it all down in preparation for our next weekend for men.

Join us for our next Shadow Breakthrough Weekend for Men this January 18th & 19th in Hollywood, CA

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We’re living in an INCREDIBLE time where we have access to all of human knowledge in a tiny device we can carry with us wherever we go.

But the truth is, sometimes it’s a TRAP.

It’s a journey I walked myself, amassing a huge collection of books, pdfs, courses, podcasts, audio programs, you name it I had it when it came to relationships, personal growth, and development. I’ll just read this book, do this process, listen to this interview, learn about this modality….etc etc.

And yet when I was in the peak of this madness, my life still wasn’t changing in the ways I was longing for.

Here’s the deal, our great GIFT and SHADOW as men is our ability to dissociate from our bodies into our heads.

To just push through when we’re suffering and not feel.

When that is combined with the information overload of the current moment, it’s unbelievably easy to get totally trapped in an endless cycle of learning.

Cognitive learning is a crucial first step but it is NOT enough for true growth and change.

Instead of continually getting sucked into an ENDLESS stream of information, true shifts require actual transformation.

What’s the use of learning a new theory or listening to an audio book if you’re not actually putting it into practice in your life?

This is where having a coach, or the structure of a program can become SO key. In all my years of growing myself, and now helping others do the same, I’ve found that almost ALL real growth and transformation happens RELATIONALLY, IE, it happens when we’re IN RELATIONSHIP with others.

This can be a men’s group, coach, therapist, accountability pod, or mastermind. Whatever the structure, it supports us moving OUT of endless information gathering and INTO actual practice, integration, and embodiment. Quite literally bringing our new knowledge down out of our heads and into our bodies, so we’re living and breathing a new reality.

If you want to change your life, you have to change how you’re living! Taking risks, making vulnerable choices, messing up, growing, etc.

Reading about masculinity or how to connect with women (even on this blog!) isn’t ENOUGH! You must actually spend time with men that have the DEPTH you seek, and spend time getting out there in the world engaging with the feminine in different ways than you have before.

Most of you do NOT need more information, you need transformation – actually embodying new ways of being as you move through the world.

Watch my free BEYOND THE NICE GUY webinar that teaches 5 keys shifts on the road to mastering masculine energy and dating. Then and book a FREE call with me if you’re serious about changing how you’re showing up in the world.

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Nice guys don’t have to finish last.

I’ve now trained hundreds of men and coached dozens more one-on-one to find the freedom they desire in dating and relating.

Along the way I’ve discovered five HUGE mistakes nice guys make over and over again that kill attraction and often make guys want to give up outright.

1) Withholding desire

This is the BIGGEST culprit I’ve seen that over and over again lands men in the friendzone. Not wanting to be “one of those guys”, many nice guys will withhold their attraction or sexual desire in order to prove they’re not just into a woman for her looks.

It’s a GREAT intention, however, it’s actually SUPER MANIPULATIVE! Withholding, pretending, or avoiding what’s actually true for us is way out of integrity, and a huge turn off for the feminine. Hundreds of years of objectification of the female body and abuse have made more and more guys AFRAID of sharing their desire, but unless you’re wanting to attract a friend, this will NEVER work.

Right now I’m sure a few of you are screaming “but it’s not safe in this day and age to share attraction, what if I’m accused of X”.

You can let go of that story right now. Dissociated or repressed attraction is what’s dangerous and what will trigger red flags for women. If you’re attracted to a woman but holding it in secret, she’ll feel the incongruency and TRUST YOU LESS. On the opposite end, if you’re FUSED with your attraction, overrun by it, and only see her as a sexual object, she’ll ALSO NOTICE AND TRUST YOU LESS.

However, when you can embody and integrate your desire in a healthy way, feeling it from head to toe while staying connected to your heart and seeing her as a FULL HUMAN BEING, she’ll at the very least TRUST you more all the way up to be turned on by it.

You don’t even have to say it out loud, this can be something done totally with the sensations in your body and eye contact with her.

No women I’ve ever talked to has wanted to be with a partner that WASN’T attracted to her. She wants you to desire her, feel her, and know her.

Too many nice guys try the “I’ll be so nice to her she’ll know I’m attracted to her” strategy and it DOES NOT WORK! You can’t just wait to find out if she likes you before connecting to your desire, by then it’s usually TOO LATE!

2) Listening more than leading

Modern women are BADASS and don’t need men to “take care of them” in the old stereotypical ways. That said, many LOVE it when men lead FOR them as an expression of care and interest.

This one again often stems from not wanting to be one of “those guys”, and wanting to be respecting of a women’s desires, wants, needs, and opinions. Like before, this is a great intention but it just doesn’t play out how many guys think it will.

How I’ve often seen this show up is guys defaulting to listening more than leading. Some concrete examples being “What do you want to do tonight?” or “Where do you want to eat?”, thus LISTENING FOR AN ANSWER and putting the ball entirely in her court. That’s abdicating leadership in the moment and an INCREDIBLY frustrating thing many women tell me about all the time.

For nice guys this can also combine with #1, Withholding desire, and manifest as the “emotional support friend”. The guy that listens patiently to her, is always there for her, and yet is someone she likely never even sees as a romantic partner.

Be it making plans or leading a conversation, the solution to this problem is to REVERSE them. Lead, then listen!

3) Getting stuck in their heads

Whether consciously or not, women will almost IMMEDIATELY size up a man when they meet him on whether or...

Having spent over 20 years in the world of personal growth and development, I’ve tried a lot of modalities and practices.  Of everything  I’ve done, being part of a Men’s Group has been hands down the most impactful thing on my life.  So much so, that I truly believe every man should be part of a group in some capacity.  I’ll share a bit about why in a moment, but first you might be asking, what is a men’s group?

Quite simply, it’s a group of men that gather together with the explicit intention of supporting and challenging each other to be the most vital, expressed, and powerful versions of themselves they can be. There are many different styles of men’s groups, but all in essence boil down to that idea.   Life is short and men’s groups help us make the most of it.

The benefits to being part of a group are countless, but let me share 5 of the most important reasons I think you should join a group now.

1) Loneliness is dangerous

More and more research data is pouring out that shows how social isolation and a lack of social connection can be devastating to our health.  In fact, this epidemic may increase your chance of dying by as much as 30%!  It rewires our brains, keeping us in a state of chronic-stress. It’s also theorized that social isolation (lack of connection) is one of the root causes of most major addictions.

So much of modern society is conspiring against us in this regard, with more and more people working remotely, living alone, and communicating over email and text message. Many of the cultural institutions that provided our social glue and fabric are fading away, made even more extreme here in the United States with our strong bent towards private spaces over public ones.

Joining a men’s group is a POWERFUL tonic to social isolation. Sitting in circle with other men gives us community, connection, and can go a long way to lowering our stress levels. In person face-to-face contact is more important now than ever.

2) The masculine grows through challenge and feedback

Whether you call it feminine and masculine, Yin and Yang, being and doing, communion and agency, we all have two of the most primal energies active inside of us. For many (though not all) of us men, we have more masculine energy in our systems.

The masculine grows most quickly and powerfully through challenge and feedback. This is a truth that is crystal clear in sporting culture, where coaches, our teammates, and rival teams constantly provide the information and push to make us better. Improving at anything in life is easier when we have trusted people along side us offering us what they see in service of our transformation. We can often be totally blind to pieces of our behavior and ways of being in the world, which is were fellowship becomes so important. Other men can point out to us what we aren’t seeing ourselves and call us on our bullshit from a place of deep service and love.

3) It’ll improve your intimate relationships

This one is huge, and might seem like a bit of a surprise at first, but I’ve seen it change relationships for men of any sexual orientation. For us men that are attracted to women, I am a FIRM believer that the quality and depth of our connection with women is almost always determined by the quality and depth of our ...