Summary

Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis break down what “being triggered” actually is—the body’s alarm system firing after a stimulus—and how it can hijack thinking and push couples into fight/flight/freeze. They map the reaction sequence (stimulus → thoughts/emotions → chemical surge → flooding) and explain why triggers can surface even years into recovery (Hebbian learning: “neurons that fire together wire together”).

You’ll learn a practical path to move from reactivity to response: (1) name the trigger (“name it to tame it”), (2) notice where it lives in your body, (3) regulate—timeout, breath, movement, journaling, nature, (4) co-regulate with a sponsor or safe person, (5) practice self-compassion instead of shame, and (6) return for a repair conversation when both are calm. They coach the betraying partner to avoid minimizing or weaponizing the trigger and to offer steady presence and comfort. The episode closes with a preview of RISE: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, a new podcast + course focused on the early stages of betrayal trauma.

Immediate Tools & Guides

4-7-8 breathing or box breathing (physiological down-regulation)

Personal “Co-Regulation Plan” (top 3 people to call/text; what to say; where to go)

Trigger Journal template (stimulus → body sensations → emotions → meaning → next right step)

Time-Out/Time-In agreements for couples (when, how, and how to re-engage)

Books & Key Concepts Mentioned

Dan Siegel — The Whole-Brain Child / “Name it to tame it” (emotion labeling)

John Gottman — “Flooding” and physiological self-soothing

Patrick Carnes — Don’t Call It Love (addiction & long-term change)

Roy Baumeister — Ego depletion/decision fatigue (why long triggered states backfire)

Francine Shapiro — EMDR (trauma processing)

Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score (body-based trauma responses)

Kristin Neff — Self-Compassion (skills for reducing shame)

Stephen Porges / Deb Dana — Polyvagal-informed regulation & co-regulation

Hebbian learning (“neurons that fire together wire together”)—why old cues retrigger

Therapeutic & Community Supports

EMDR-trained therapist; trauma- and betrayal-informed clinicians (CPTT/CSAT)

Peer support: 12-step groups (S-Anon, SA/SAA/SLAA) or therapist-led betrayal groups

Sponsor/mentor system for both partners (borrow a regulated nervous system)

Related Episodes / Programs

Human Intimacy Podcast #50 — Navigating Triggers in Public

RISE: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal — new podcast + course (early-stage betrayal trauma: triggers, PTSD responses, stabilization, and repair)