Seeing Your Blind Spots:

Why We Make the Choices We Do

In this powerful and reflective episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore why people make choices that go against their values—especially in the aftermath of trauma, betrayal, and emotional flooding. Drawing from clinical experience, Internal Family Systems (IFS) language, trauma reenactment, arousal templates, and the science of human behavior, they unpack the subconscious forces that drive unwanted patterns.

The discussion highlights how “firefighter” parts act impulsively to stop emotional pain, why unresolved trauma often leads to repeated relational patterns, and how blind spots develop from both early experiences and generational learning. Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn explore how shame, fear, secrecy, and lack of boundaries contribute to destructive behaviors—whether as the betrayed or the betrayer.

The heart of this episode centers on building self-awareness, humility, and character development through honest reflection. Listeners are invited to pause, examine the choices they’re making, recognize patterns that no longer serve them, and take courageous steps toward change. Whether you’re working through betrayal trauma, navigating recovery, or wanting to become a better version of yourself, this conversation offers insight, compassion, and a path forward.

RISE: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal

Reclaim: Healing from Pornography and Rebuilding Your Life

Internal Family Systems (IFS) – Richard Schwartz

Trauma Reenactment Concepts – Judith Herman, Bessel van der Kolk

Arousal Template Research – Dr. Kevin Skinner

Character Development Approach – Inspired by Benjamin Franklin’s virtues

Human Intimacy Podcast Archive

HumanIntimacy.com – Articles, assessments, and healing tools

Second Annual Human Intimacy Conference – March 13–14, 2026 (registration link in show notes)

The Cost of Judgment:

Seeing Ourselves and Others Through Compassion

Summary:

Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn emphasize that judgment often arises when we lack understanding of a person’s story. By shifting from judgment to curiosity—asking “What happened to you?” instead of “What’s wrong with you?”—we open space for empathy and healing. They also explore how self-judgment impacts individuals, especially betrayed partners who internalize blame, and how learning to suspend judgment fosters emotional freedom and connection.

The discussion integrates insights from Byron Katie’s “The Work” and Dr. Bruce Perry & Oprah Winfrey’s “What Happened to You?”, encouraging listeners to question their assumptions and replace self-condemnation with self-compassion. The episode closes with a reflective invitation: identify a situation or person you’ve judged, and ask, “What’s the story behind this thought, emotion, or behavior?”

Resources Mentioned:

The Work by Byron Katie — Four powerful questions to challenge judgments and distorted beliefs.

What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey — Exploring how understanding personal stories transforms compassion and connection.

The Betrayal Bond by Dr. Patrick Carnes — Understanding trauma bonds and how early experiences shape adult patterns and self-judgment.

Compassionate Accountability: A Field Guide to Building Connection and Trust by Dr. Nate Regier — For learning how to balance accountability with empathy.

HumanIntimacy.com — Explore upcoming courses and events, including Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal, Reclaim: Healing from Pornography and Rebuilding Your Life, and the Human Intimacy Conference (March 13–14, 2026).

Summary:

The conversation delves into why emotional self-awareness is the foundation of resilient relationships, how couples can “fight well,” and what it means to create safety before deeper connection can occur. They reference experts such as Dr. Al Siebert, Dr. Dan Siegel, Dr. Stephen Porges, and Dr. Martin Seligman, offering insights into the neurobiology of resilience and the relational skills that sustain connection through adversity.

Listeners will walk away with practical strategies to strengthen their emotional core, improve communication, and cultivate hope—even in seasons of deep pain or uncertainty.

Key Takeaways:

Resiliency begins with emotional regulation and self-awareness.

Adaptability and flexibility are learned skills that sustain connection.

Safety is the foundation for relational repair after trauma.

Emotional intelligence helps us stay curious and connected rather than reactive.

Hope is a neurological process—and a critical part of healing together.

Resources Mentioned:

The Survivor Personality – Dr. Al Siebert

The Body Keeps the Score – Dr. Bessel van der Kolk

Polyvagal Theory – Dr. Stephen Porges

The Whole-Brain Child & Mindsight – Dr. Dan Siegel

Emotional Intelligence – Dr. Daniel Goleman

The Hope Circuit – Dr. Martin Seligman

Treating Sexual Addiction: A Compassionate Approach – Dr. Kevin Skinner

HumanIntimacy.com – Courses: Companionship Course, Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal, and Reclaim: Healing from Pornography

In this powerful episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore one of the most important — and misunderstood — aspects of healing after betrayal: emotional experience and expression.

Many of us have been conditioned to suppress emotions, especially those that feel scary, overwhelming, or “unacceptable” — such as anger, fear, grief, or shame. Often, our logic steps in and says, “You shouldn’t feel that,”creating an internal shut-down that prevents emotional processing and healing.

Drawing on neuroscience, attachment theory, and therapeutic insights, Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn discuss:

Why we feel before we think — and what that means for trauma responses

The cultural discomfort with strong emotions and how this affects relationships

How betrayal trauma conditions many partners to distrust their internal emotional cues

The science of tears — and how crying releases different emotional chemicals

Jill Bolte Taylor’s “Brain Huddle” — an integrated approach to emotional awareness

How emotional safety enables true relational intimacy

Why our job is not to fix emotions, but to be with the person experiencing them

What prevents couples from sharing emotions — and how to rebuild that trust

Listeners are invited to approach their inner world with curiosity instead of judgment, give themselves permission to feel, and begin courageous conversations about how emotions are shared within their relationship.

Ask your partner (or journal independently if the conversation does not feel safe yet):

“When I share emotion with you, what is it like for you?”

“When you share emotion with me, here’s what it’s like for me…”

The goal isn't to fix — but to begin understanding, witnessing, and honoring each other’s emotional worlds.

Books & Theoretical Models

Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional Intelligence. Bantam Books.

Johnson, S. (2019). Attachment Theory in Practice: Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) with Individuals, Couples, and Families. Guilford Press.

Taylor, J. B. (2021). Whole Brain Living: The Anatomy of Choice and the Four Characters That Drive Our Life.Hay House.

LeDoux, J. (1996). The Emotional Brain: The Mysterious Underpinnings of Emotional Life. Simon & Schuster.

van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Penguin Books.

Neuroscience Articles

LeDoux, J. (2000). Emotion circuits in the brain. Annual Review of Neuroscience, 23, 155–184.

Trimble, M. R., & Pryce, C. R. (2022). Biology of tears and emotional expression. CNS Neuroscience & Therapeutics, 28(12), 1779–1789.

Related Human Intimacy Resources

Rise: Hope & Healing from Sexual Betrayal Podcast

Reclaim Podcast

The free Human Intimacy Companionship Course (includes worksheets for episodes 80–90)

When You Want Change

&

Your Partner Isn’t Ready

What happens when one partner is ready to change—but the other isn’t? In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore how couples navigate this difficult space. Drawing from the Stages of Change model, they explain how relationships often resist change to maintain balance (homeostasis), and why transformation inevitably brings discomfort.

Through live role-play, Kevin and MaryAnn demonstrate both ineffective and healthy ways to approach hard conversations—showing how to express needs, respond to defensiveness, and create safety for vulnerability. They unpack the Drama Triangle, attachment patterns, and the power of differentiation—knowing your truth while staying connected.

Listeners will learn how to prepare for meaningful dialogue, set boundaries with compassion, and build trust through accountability and follow-through.

Free Companion Worksheet: Available in the Human Intimacy Podcast Course at HumanIntimacy.com → Courses → Free Courses → Human Intimacy Podcast Companion.

Frameworks Discussed:

Stages of Change — Prochaska & DiClemente

Drama Triangle — Stephen Karpman

Attachment “Dance” — Dr. Sue Johnson

Four Horsemen — Drs. John & Julie Gottman

Differentiation — Dr. Murray Bowen

Recommended Reading:

Hold Me Tight — Sue Johnson

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman

The Dance of Anger — Harriet Lerner

The State of Affairs — Esther Perel

Understanding How Real Transformation Happens

Summary:

Dr. Skinner highlights that change rarely happens instantly; it’s often a back-and-forth process requiring awareness, preparation, and consistent effort. MaryAnn adds depth by describing how fear, shame, and uncertainty can stall progress, especially when one partner is ready to change and the other is not. The episode provides practical insights into how both betrayed partners and those seeking recovery can understand where they are in the process—and what steps will help them move forward.

Listeners will come away with a better understanding of how real, sustainable transformation unfolds and how to support themselves or their partners through the often nonlinear journey of change.

Resources Mentioned:

Book: Changing for Good by James Prochaska, John Norcross, and Carlo DiClemente

Podcast: Reclaim: Healing from Pornography and Rebuilding Your Life

Podcast: Rise: Hope and Healing from Sexual Betrayal

Tool: 12-Step Recovery Programs and Sponsor Support

Concepts Referenced:

The Stages of Change Model (Prochaska & DiClemente)

“Proper Preparation Prevents Pain” – on emotional readiness for change

Automaticity and habit formation (66-day model for lasting behavioral change)

Understanding relapse and stress triggers

In Episode 87 of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore the foundational role of core values in shaping identity, intimacy, and relational harmony. The conversation begins with reflection on gratitude and personal grounding, then transitions into how understanding one’s guiding principles—or “North Star”—influences emotional awareness, sexual decision-making, and conflict resolution.

They discuss how early family, cultural, and religious influences shape our beliefs about what’s “good” or “bad,” often leaving individuals unaware of their authentic values. MaryAnn introduces examining our internalized “shoulds” to uncover inherited rules that may no longer serve us. Dr. Skinner emphasizes that defining values is a process of personal ownership, not external expectation, and that clarity enables healthy boundaries and more honest relating.

The episode also covers what happens when partners’ values diverge—inviting curiosity, vulnerability, and respectrather than control or shutdown. Through clinical examples (anger, sexuality, secrecy), they show how self-awareness and emotional safety foster compassionate dialogue, and when persistent value gaps may signal deeper incompatibility. Takeaway: intimacy thrives when both partners pursue honest dialogue, self-reflection, and compassion, recognizing that values can evolve with growth and healing.

Show Notes & Assignments: HumanIntimacy.com/Podcast (values discovery prompts)

Books & Frameworks:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — John Gottman

Hold Me Tight — Sue Johnson

The Gifts of Imperfection — Brené Brown

Atlas of the Heart — Brené Brown

The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk

Quick Reflection Exercise

List three “should” statements guiding your choices.

Ask: Where did this belief come from? Does it fit who I want to be now?

Note how keeping vs. releasing it would affect your relationship.

Summary

Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis break down what “being triggered” actually is—the body’s alarm system firing after a stimulus—and how it can hijack thinking and push couples into fight/flight/freeze. They map the reaction sequence (stimulus → thoughts/emotions → chemical surge → flooding) and explain why triggers can surface even years into recovery (Hebbian learning: “neurons that fire together wire together”).

You’ll learn a practical path to move from reactivity to response: (1) name the trigger (“name it to tame it”), (2) notice where it lives in your body, (3) regulate—timeout, breath, movement, journaling, nature, (4) co-regulate with a sponsor or safe person, (5) practice self-compassion instead of shame, and (6) return for a repair conversation when both are calm. They coach the betraying partner to avoid minimizing or weaponizing the trigger and to offer steady presence and comfort. The episode closes with a preview of RISE: Hope and Healing After Sexual Betrayal, a new podcast + course focused on the early stages of betrayal trauma.

Immediate Tools & Guides

4-7-8 breathing or box breathing (physiological down-regulation)

Personal “Co-Regulation Plan” (top 3 people to call/text; what to say; where to go)

Trigger Journal template (stimulus → body sensations → emotions → meaning → next right step)

Time-Out/Time-In agreements for couples (when, how, and how to re-engage)

Books & Key Concepts Mentioned

Dan Siegel — The Whole-Brain Child / “Name it to tame it” (emotion labeling)

John Gottman — “Flooding” and physiological self-soothing

Patrick Carnes — Don’t Call It Love (addiction & long-term change)

Roy Baumeister — Ego depletion/decision fatigue (why long triggered states backfire)

Francine Shapiro — EMDR (trauma processing)

Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score (body-based trauma responses)

Kristin Neff — Self-Compassion (skills for reducing shame)

Stephen Porges / Deb Dana — Polyvagal-informed regulation & co-regulation

Hebbian learning (“neurons that fire together wire together”)—why old cues retrigger

Therapeutic & Community Supports

EMDR-trained therapist; trauma- and betrayal-informed clinicians (CPTT/CSAT)

Peer support: 12-step groups (S-Anon, SA/SAA/SLAA) or therapist-led betrayal groups

Sponsor/mentor system for both partners (borrow a regulated nervous system)

Related Episodes / Programs

Human Intimacy Podcast #50 — Navigating Triggers in Public

RISE: Hope & Healing After Sexual Betrayal — new podcast + course (early-stage betrayal trauma: triggers, PTSD responses, stabilization, and repair)

In this episode, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, dive deep into the destructive cycle of shame and its profound impact on relationships. Shame, often rooted in early childhood experiences, can silently disconnect partners—pulling one inward while leaving the other feeling abandoned and unseen.

Together, Kevin and MaryAnn explore:

How shame manifests in the body and nervous system as an automatic protective response.

The cycle of shame between betrayed partners and those who have acted out, and why both can feel isolated and misunderstood.

The difference between guilt ("I made a mistake") and shame ("I am a mistake").

Practical steps to recognize, name, and address shame—such as identifying its origins, noticing its physical cues, and finding safe spaces to share vulnerably.

The role of vulnerability, responsibility, and self-compassion in breaking free from shame’s grip and restoring intimacy.

Listeners will walk away with a clearer understanding of how shame disconnects us from those we love, and with tools to begin shifting toward presence, confidence, and connection.

Books & Research

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – A guide to embracing self-compassion and resilience.

Daring Greatly by Brené Brown – On the power of vulnerability in relationships.

Power vs. Force by David R. Hawkins – Exploring emotional energy levels, including shame as the lowest.

Childhood and Society by Erik Erikson – Psychosocial developmental stages, including shame vs. initiative.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk – On trauma, the nervous system, and body memory.

Therapeutic Tools

Emotional Floatback Technique – Tracing current shame responses back to earlier life experiences.

Acknowledge, Validate, Reassure (AVR) – A communication tool to reduce shame and increase connection.

Support Groups & 12-Step Programs – Safe spaces to share struggles, reduce secrecy, and experience acceptance.

Practical Applications

Notice physical shame signals (flushed cheeks, tight stomach, loss of eye contact).

Give shame a voice—safely name it out loud to lessen its power.

Replace shame with responsibility: shift from self-condemnation to ownership of mistakes.

Cultivate self-compassion: learning to sit with suffering without rejecting yourself.

Making Sense of and Responding to Tragic and Traumatic Events

In this special edition of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis, LCSW, reflect on the recent shooting at a university event where Charlie Kirk was injured, alongside the anniversary of 9/11. Together, they explore the rippling effects of tragedy and violence—how fear, anger, sadness, and numbness can show up differently for each person.

Kevin shares his personal experience as a parent whose daughter was present on campus during the shooting, describing the fear, violation, and anger that came with the uncertainty of her safety. MaryAnn connects this to past events like Columbine and 9/11, highlighting how communities and families are profoundly changed by trauma.

The conversation unpacks:

The 10–80–10 rule of human response to crisis: most freeze, some help, and some escalate.

How anger often masks deeper grief or fear, and why making sense of emotions is critical.

Practical steps for processing trauma—journaling, sitting with your body’s sensations, giving emotions language, and seeking safe spaces for group debriefing.

The dangers of media overexposure (“alone with media”) and “pain shopping,” which can reinforce trauma instead of fostering healing.

The healing power of action, connection, and vulnerability—whether by helping others, checking in on a neighbor, or simply sitting in presence with someone who is hurting.

The episode closes with a reminder, inspired by Fred Rogers: in times of tragedy, look for the helpers and be a helper.Healing happens through compassion, community, and connection—not isolation.

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. – Understanding how trauma lives in the body and the importance of movement/action.

Peter Levine’s Somatic Experiencing – Insights into trauma, the freeze response, and the need for movement.

Joseph LeDoux’s research on trauma and neural pathways – Why taking action helps break the cycle of fear and rumination.

Fred Rogers’ “Look for the Helpers” quote – A timeless reminder of resilience in the face of tragedy.

Join us at HumanIntimacy.com to learn more about healthy relationships and healing from life traumas.