Going Terribly

Rabbit Rabbit! It's the first episode of September, and boy, do we have some atoning to do. After making some not necessarily false but ultimately misinformed statements throughout August about the Lindbergh Baby, the Saved by the Bell revival, and the Morton Salt company (the very cheek, we know...), Doug and Alice guess at some celebrity ages, invent a new music-themed board game (Doo-wop-oly?), and catalog the extraordinarily prolific, birthday queen Diane Warren's entire discography. Did you all know she wrote Chumbawamba's "Tubthumping"?* Seriously. So prolific!

Other discussion topics may include: 

- The safest way to send your 3-year old skydiving

- "Harry Shearer," "Marv Green," and other great names for Illinois pickle farmers

- A celebration of music's greatest Glorias - from Gloria Gaynor to Gloria Estefan to Gladys Knight

- The best spots around town to pick up a Supreme Leader with Cheese

- In case you're reading this after listening, a friendly reminder: Don't look up "teratoma"

*Oh, nothing. Just felt like including an asterisk. What a fun, typographical notation.

You know what everybody loves? Summer camp. A week of open flame, peeing into troughs, and getting your first period out in the wilderness and not telling any of the camp counselors and just shoving toilet paper in your hoochie. Wet and hot indeed.

Other discussion topics may include:

- The best U.S. restrooms and the pilgrimages that must follow

- "Communal Expelling": The grossest two-word combination ever?

- Unnecessary possessivizing and the shame immediately after

- The Pump House: Gas station, "massage parlor," or other?

- Human anatomy, including male and female eggs...and outdoor plumbing

Today is Strange Music Day, so Alice and Doug will take you on a magical musical journey through upbeat songs with sad lyrics, the best genres of music to fight depression and facilitate pooping, how to torture someone with silence, how to torture someone with a theremin, and how to truly be metal. Like Amelia Earhart, who totally assassinated Thomas Edison. That patent-pending turd.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Martian tornadoes and how they're not quite as cool as they sound

- "Hot tuna," "Loose Pipe," "Sticky Cookie," and other cute pet names for your darling

- Two "My Girl" references, but only one that involves eating off where a dead person has been hanging out

- More Gary Puckett & the Union Gap talk than 99% of the podcast episodes out there

- A brand new candy is spontaneously invented, so please don't steal it, okay?

Sometimes, you just gotta start out an episode by making juvenile fart noises with your hands. You certainly don't have to continue the rest of the episode like that, but what can we say, we're just gems like that.

Other discussion topics may include:

- How gymnastics can improve or infuriate your black cat

- Gallagher's fruit smashing, brother suing journey into our hearts

- Why you should be watching EPIX...from two people who've never seen EPIX

- Which food would you want to bear your favorite celebrity's name?

- This is the day to give your own feet some love. No, really.

Going Terribly is a true crime podcast now. Doug watches a ton of Forensic Files, Disappeared, and Killer Couples (who knew?), and Alice was recently trapped in a car for 9 hours and listened to the entire first season of the Cold podcast (not against her will), so obviously, this whole episode is a grisly dramatization of Ashley Judd's 1999 film, Double Jeopardy. 

Other discussion topics may include:

- How to found a college. Or, wait, that should say find. Or....hold on. Which one did we mean?

- Olympic withdrawal, featuring speed bowling and dizzy golf

- Safety or Nachos: Life's difficult decisions

- An explanation of the game Stratego by someone who doesn't remember how to play the game Stratego

- Just how "bumpin'" is Omaha?

August is upon us, which means National Ice Cream Month is over. Join Doug and Alice as they pick up the shards of their shattered existence by conquering their childhood fears of killer clowns, anxiety dreams, lyrical abstraction, catfishing scams, and sitting on one's nuts.

Other discussion topics may include:

- Incredibly beautiful songs about infidelity

- Martha Stewart, hot pink buildings, and other pretty fine pieces

- Boxers vs. Briefs: A New Debate

- Terrifying movies, such as Beethoven

- If you started a company, how would you pronounce its name? ... Or would you?

Was the Lindbergh Baby ever found? Are the humanoid races from Lord of the Rings still considered "humans" like we're considered humans? Are Counting Crows lyrics actually deep, or are they only deceptively deep? 

And does "deceptively deep" mean something is shallower than it seems or deeper than it seems? (There IS a right answer to this...)

All these questions and more in this episode where Doug and Alice show off how much they don't know about anything.

Other discussion topics may include:

- An examination of sitcom preferences

- How too much buffet food can keep your car from moving

- Television repair obliviousness

- Storks. Just lots of storks.

In this fast-paced episode, Alice and Doug go *bang zoom* straight to the moon and back with musings on Hogwarts houses, reality dating shows, and sex work destigmatization. Doug also creates some predictive text fortune cookies (in bed), and Alice intricately details the obscure, niche world of international collegiate muggle quidditch.

Honestly, are any of those words even real?

Other discussion topics may include:

- Pink panthers, chocolate frogs, and Twix kittens

- Sexy Beasts and Where to Find Them, by JK Rawring

- Rob Thomas and also the other Rob Thomas

- The sexy adventures of Remington Rock and Dick Crocker

- Conjoined Toilets and Rotisserie Chicken: A Going Terribly Guide to Romance

You guys, this episode is adorable. Chock-full of puns, callbacks, and wholesomely embarrassing stories about Doug macing someone in the face and Alice almost drowning in a pool. Bonus Words With Nerds: Pronunciation Edition and a *Giveaway* entailing mac 'n cheese and nudie pics. 

Oh wait, adorable? I mean, deplorable...

Other discussion topics may include:

- Cats and the silent treatment: a lesson in futility

- The impossibility and inevitability of having one's belt loop caught on a door handle

- One-handed amateur cancer screenings

- Some really uncomfortable stuff about "edging"

- Sunday is National Ice Cream Day. It is very important that you know that.

It's our 40th episode, and we simply MUST revisit the wiping debate again. After all, it (i.e., “going,” e.g., either #1 or #2) is the namesake of the podcast. 

Other discussion topics may include: 

- A celebration of Elena Cabins, the forgotten 1970s star 

- Spelling bee d-e-p-r-e-s-s-i-o-n 

- A blown up case of the Mandela Effect that might be full of hot air 

- The time William Shakespeare blatantly ripped off Roald Dahl 

- Do you REALLY need to wash your hands after you pee? No, I mean REALLY?