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The words "you're just too sensitive" ring in our ears long after they're spoken—especially when they're used to cover up betrayal. As a trauma-informed coach who survived my own journey through infidelity, I've discovered that most troubled relationships follow a pattern: one partner acts as the "bomb maker" while the other becomes "the bomb." This powerful metaphor, borrowed from relationship expert Jennifer Finlayson-Fife, perfectly captures the dynamic where one person creates chaos while the other absorbs negativity until eventually exploding.

When someone lives a double life through affairs or addiction, they manufacture stress through lies and deception. Their partner feels this constant undercurrent of negative emotion but can't quite identify its source—until discovery happens. Then the explosion occurs. The aftermath leaves both people wondering how to navigate this emotional minefield. Do you recognize signs of a bomb maker? They create emotional outbursts, start arguments with contradictory statements, engage in gaslighting, blame-shift, emotionally manipulate, and place unrealistic expectations on their partner. These behaviors destroy trust, drain energy, and erode self-esteem in devastating ways.

Healing starts with acknowledging what's happening. Set clear boundaries and communicate consequences when they're violated. Instead of trying to control your partner's behavior, focus on what actions you'll take to protect yourself when tensions rise. Create emotional safety within yourself rather than relying on someone else to provide it. Most importantly, get support. While betrayal magnifies these destructive dynamics, with awareness and proper guidance, both partners can learn to recognize these patterns and create healthier relationship dynamics. If you're struggling to navigate betrayal's aftermath, know that healing is possible—and you don't have to do it alone. I've been there, and now I help others find their path to living happily, even after betrayal.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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Have you ever felt crazy when your intuition was screaming that something was wrong in your relationship? Jeni Brockbank's story will validate those feelings and show you there's a path forward through betrayal trauma.

Jeni, Executive Director of Her Wings Unfold, joins me to share her journey through a 25-year marriage marked by betrayal, and how she transformed her pain into purpose. After discovering her husband's double life just nine months into their marriage, Jeni spent years trying to hold everything together while raising six children and maintaining the appearance of a perfect family. Her powerful awakening came when she realized she wasn't the one breaking covenants or destroying their relationship.

What makes this conversation particularly valuable is Jeni's insight into the unique challenges of leaving an abusive relationship when religious beliefs emphasize eternal marriage. She candidly discusses how abuse often escalates after separation, sharing her own experience of temporary homelessness when her ex-husband convinced a court to place all their home sale proceeds into escrow.

The heart of our discussion focuses on Her Wings Unfold's revolutionary approach to healing through trauma-sensitive 12-steps. Traditional recovery models often pathologize natural responses to betrayal as "codependency," inadvertently blaming victims. Jeni's program instead validates survivors' experiences, emphasizing safety, self-compassion, and community healing to address what she calls the Four A's: abuse, addiction, adultery, and abandonment.

Whether you're navigating betrayal yourself or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers a compassionate framework for understanding the complex trauma of broken trust and the possibility of healing beyond it. As Jeni puts it, "I wasn't the one who broke the covenants" – a powerful reminder that taking back your life isn't breaking your promises.

To get in contact with Jeni:

Here are a few links:

Find a Trauma-Sensitive 12-Step meeting

H.E.R. Wings Unfold

Relational Trauma SOS

Also, something that I didn't mention is that I did author a betrayal trauma book for members of the Church.  Feel free to not use the link but here it is in case: Healing In Christ's Light From Patterns of Sexual Betrayal

I'd love to keep in touch!  You are doing amazing and brave things.  <3

Warmly,

-- 

Jeni Brockbank
Executive Director
H.E.R. Wings Unfold
435-339-3561
herwingsunfold.org / ts12anon.org

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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Grief comes in many forms, but society often ranks and responds to them differently. Research suggests that divorce—particularly after betrayal—can be more painful than losing a spouse to death, though making this claim often raises eyebrows. The key difference lies not in the intensity of pain, but in how we process these losses and how others respond to our suffering.

When someone dies, you're permitted to keep loving them. Your memories remain untainted, and their absence, while devastating, doesn't force you to question if anything was ever real. With divorce after betrayal, every memory becomes suspect. That anniversary trip? Was your spouse texting their affair partner throughout? That family Christmas? Was it all a performance? This questioning of your entire shared history creates a unique form of trauma.

Society's response amplifies this pain. Widows receive casseroles, company at church, and flowers on anniversaries. Divorcees often face silence and isolation. As one client repeatedly expressed, feeling "rejected" compounds the abandonment. Co-parenting requires regularly facing the source of your pain—like voluntarily stepping into fire multiple times weekly. The healing journey demands moving from love to temporary hatred before reaching neutrality, a complex emotional path not required when grieving death.

This isn't about comparing tragedies or diminishing the profound grief of losing a spouse to death. Rather, it's a call for equal compassion and understanding for different forms of loss. Both experiences require deep healing, support, and time. If someone you know is going through divorce, especially after betrayal, consider showing up for them with the same care you'd offer a widow. They're grieving too, just in a different way. Sometimes the person who needs a meal delivered or company on a hard day isn't who we traditionally think needs support—but they're hurting just the same.

Ready to transform your post-betrayal journey? Follow me on social media @happilyevenaftercoach or email [email protected] to learn how we can work together toward your own "happily even after."

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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Shame creeps in silently after betrayal, whispering that we're somehow responsible for our partner's choices. It tells us we should have known better, seen the signs earlier, or somehow prevented the pain that's now consuming us. 

As someone who carried the weight of both my own shame and my unfaithful partner's for years, I understand how paralyzing this emotion can be. That's why I love the acronym that perfectly captures this destructive feeling: Shame = Should Have Already Mastered Everything. This episode dives deep into how shame operates after betrayal, keeping us isolated and questioning our worth when we most need connection and confidence.

We explore the crucial difference between guilt ("I did something wrong") and shame ("I am wrong"), and how this distinction affects healing. You'll learn about the physical and emotional manifestations of shame after betrayal - from feeling undesirable to mistrusting your own judgment. Most importantly, we break down the "shame-blame trap" that keeps couples stuck in cycles of defensiveness instead of healing.

Whether you're trying to rebuild your marriage after infidelity or create a new life beyond betrayal, freedom from shame is essential. This episode provides practical guidance on finding the right support, practicing radical honesty, and reclaiming your sense of worthiness. You didn't cause the betrayal, and you don't need to carry shame that doesn't belong to you. Your journey toward living "happily even after" begins with setting down this burden.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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What happens when maintaining a relationship with a parent becomes too emotionally costly? Why are more adult children choosing distance from their families? These questions don't have simple answers, but they deserve honest exploration.

In this vulnerable conversation, I'm joined by my daughter Megan who shares her personal journey of going no-contact with her father nearly two years ago. Recording on Father's Day, we acknowledge the complicated emotions these celebrations can trigger when family relationships are strained or broken.

We dive into how modern technology has fundamentally changed family dynamics—constant connectivity means parents can reach adult children anytime, creating unprecedented boundary challenges. As Megan explains, "Sometimes those precautions like blocking have to be taken because if you have a difficult family member, it's hard knowing they have access to you pretty much at all times."

Speaking with remarkable wisdom, Megan dispels common misconceptions about estrangement. It rarely comes "out of nowhere" but typically follows prolonged attempts to establish healthier patterns. It's not usually born of hatred but arises from a place of self-protection and grief. Most profoundly, she shares: "I love my dad, but it came to a point where I had to love me more."

For parents experiencing estrangement, this episode offers valuable insight: reconciliation requires more than apologies—it demands genuine self-reflection and consistent behavioral change. For adult children navigating complex family relationships, Megan's story validates the difficult choices many face in establishing boundaries that protect their emotional wellbeing.

Whether you're personally affected by family estrangement or supporting someone who is, this conversation offers compassionate perspective on one of life's most painful relational challenges. Connect with me on Instagram and Facebook @HappilyEvenAfterCoach to continue this important dialogue.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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The journey through betrayal trauma often feels like navigating a minefield of uncomfortable emotions. Many of us instinctively avoid these feelings, creating a pattern of emotional suppression that prevents true healing. As someone who rode this emotional roller coaster myself for years, I'm passionate about helping others break through this barrier.

Emotional discomfort isn't something to fear or avoid—it's a necessary pathway to recovery. When betrayal leaves you emotionally numb, the first challenge becomes simply reconnecting with your feelings. Your body will tell you when you're suppressing emotions through sleep disturbances, weight fluctuations, emotional outbursts, or displacing anger onto others (like snapping at your kids or the drive-thru attendant when your real issue is with your spouse).

These uncomfortable conversations with your partner might feel terrifying—like walking into a lion's den—but they're essential for rebuilding trust and connection. Start by noticing how discomfort feels in your body. Is it tight, heavy, or restless? By becoming familiar with these sensations, you develop the ability to tolerate discomfort rather than immediately trying to escape it. If verbal conversations feel overwhelming, try writing letters, recording voice messages, or sending thoughtful texts to express yourself.

Remember that emotions themselves aren't good or bad; they simply are. Both you and your partner will experience different feelings simultaneously, and creating space for this emotional complexity is crucial for healing. Physical movement helps release emotional energy, which is why walking during difficult conversations can make them more manageable.

If navigating this emotional landscape feels consistently overwhelming, coaching can provide the support and structure you need—consider it a gym membership for your emotional wellbeing. The willingness to walk through discomfort rather than around it ultimately leads to deeper connections, stronger relationships, and the happily even after you deserve.

Past episode I did on being uncomfortable: 

https://www.buzzsprout.com/admin/1772565/episodes/11425430-becoming-uncomfortable

Ready to transform your post-betrayal experience? Follow me on Instagram and Facebook @happilyevenaftercoach or email [email protected] to learn how we can work together on your healing journey.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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Truth can be both illuminating and devastating. When I recorded my very first podcast episode on "content communicating" with my then-husband, I believed we were strengthening our marriage by teaching others to "say what you mean and mean what you say." Little did I know he was actively betraying me throughout our entire year of podcasting together.

Looking back at that initial episode brings a mixture of embarrassment, pain, and unexpected wisdom. What began as a simple communication concept has evolved into something far more powerful in my life: telling the whole truth. Not just the polite truth or the partial truth, but the complete, nuanced reality of our experiences. This isn't just about clearly expressing whether you need a bathroom break on a road trip—it's about acknowledging the complex, sometimes contradictory truths that define our lives.

My truth included desperately wanting to save my marriage while ultimately choosing divorce. It included building a life coaching career focused on helping couples rebuild after betrayal, then transforming that practice when I realized I couldn't be the poster child for staying together through infidelity. The whole truth is messy, painful, and ultimately freeing. Through my own healing journey, I've learned that speaking our complete truth—first to ourselves, then to others—forms the foundation for authentic living after betrayal. Whether deciding to skip an event where seeing my ex would trigger dysregulation or setting boundaries that honor my wellbeing, this practice of whole-truth telling has become my compass. Original episode on Content Communicating I did with my former spouse: Cue the Cringe. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/happily-even-after-with-life-coach-jen/id1566971244?i=1000522868984

Ready to explore what telling your whole truth might reveal? Connect with me at [email protected] or follow me on Instagram and Facebook @HappilyEvenAfterCoach. Together, we'll navigate the path to your own happily even after—one honest conversation at a time.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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Relationship and intimacy coach Monica Tanner joins us to unpack the damaging marriage advice many of us have accepted as truth. Drawing from her seven years of podcasting experience and three years exclusively coaching couples, Monica reveals why seemingly innocent phrases like "happy wife, happy life" and "don't sweat the small stuff" actually create disconnection and resentment in relationships.

Monica shares details about her upcoming book, "Bad Marriage Advice: Debunking Myths That Will Make You Miserable and What to Do Instead," which evolved from a heartfelt letter to her soon-to-be-married son. The conversation digs into why telling couples "divorce is not an option" often backfires, removing motivation for growth rather than strengthening commitment.

The most practical segment focuses on Monica's three-step formula for making effective requests in relationships. Instead of complaining about what you're not getting, she teaches how to identify what you want, make your request "stupidly easy" to fulfill by being specific, and show gratitude for any progress. This approach transforms communication patterns and creates positive momentum in relationships.

We also explore the powerful garden metaphor for marriage—how beliefs planted by others in our childhood need tending, weeding, and sometimes complete replanting as we grow and face life's transitions together. Monica emphasizes the value of seeking relationship support before crisis strikes, sharing stories of proactive couples who establish relationships with coaches early in their marriages.

Whether you're struggling with communication issues, feeling disconnected, or simply want to strengthen an already good relationship, this episode offers practical wisdom for creating a marriage where both partners feel valued, heard, and cherished. Ready to transform your relationship? Listen now and discover how to replace bad marriage advice with strategies that actually work.

Monica Tanner Guest Information
Monica Tanner, RLT trained, Relationship Coach and host of the Secrets of Happily Ever After podcast, transforms marriages with simple communication, connection, conflict resolution and commitment strategies. Her mission is to lower the divorce rate and improve marital satisfaction. Through her engaging podcast, new book, Bad Marriage Advice, vibrant social media community, and couple’s coaching practice, Monica's expert guidance has impacted thousands of couples, by helping them ditch resentment and roommate syndrome and get back to living their happily ever after love story.

website:  https://monicatanner.com

book: https://badmarriageadvice.com

podcast:  https://secretsofhappilyeverafter.buzzsprout.com

Have you gotten on the waitlist for my new book - Bad Marriage Advice? You can do that HERE!

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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Healing after betrayal often feels impossible when we're white-knuckling our trauma, convinced that hypervigilance will somehow protect us from future pain. But what if the very things we're clinging to—obsessive thoughts about the affair partner, negative self-image, or fantasy versions of our relationships—are actually preventing our healing?

Drawing from both personal experience and my work as a trauma-informed coach, I explore the invisible barriers we construct after infidelity and betrayal. Our primitive brains convince us that staying on high alert will keep us safe, but this constant state of anxiety is both exhausting and ineffective. If someone wants to betray you again, no amount of phone checking or hypervigilance will prevent it.

Real healing begins when we serve an "eviction notice" to the thoughts keeping us stuck. This process starts with awareness of what we're holding onto, followed by what I call bringing our "CEO brain" online—engaging our higher thinking rather than remaining trapped in fear-based responses. Through radical honesty with ourselves, we can loosen our grip on betrayal trauma and begin rebuilding trust from within.

The journey requires distinguishing between fantasy and reality. Fantasy feels safer—imagining what might have been or how things "should" have worked out—but it keeps us disconnected from our actual lives. The sooner we can accept our circumstances, the sooner we can create something meaningful from them. Letting go isn't about forgetting what happened; it's about creating space for new possibilities and yes—living happily, even after betrayal.

Ready to identify what you're holding onto that's keeping you stuck? Reach out for a free call, and let's work together to help you create your happily even after.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

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The aftermath of betrayal often leaves us scrambling to "fix" our broken marriage, convinced that our happiness depends entirely on our spouse's transformation. But what if these beliefs are actually preventing your healing?

Drawing from years of helping clients navigate post-betrayal recovery, I challenge the misconception that rebuilding a marriage is solely your responsibility. When your spouse has an affair, they—not you—must own their choices completely. No matter what challenges existed in your marriage, you didn't cause their betrayal. Their willingness to take full responsibility and seek help understanding why they strayed is essential to genuine reconciliation. Without this commitment from both partners, one person alone cannot repair what's broken.

Even more damaging is the belief that your happiness depends on your spouse changing. This mindset surrenders your emotional well-being to someone else's choices. While their actions certainly affect you, your thoughts about those actions largely determine your happiness. Many marriages get trapped in unhealthy power dynamics where one partner positions themselves as superior (one-up) while the other feels inadequate (one-down). Breaking free requires recognizing everyone's strengths and weaknesses without keeping score. What if both partners could be simultaneously amazing and flawed? What if different approaches to tasks weren't automatically judged as right or wrong?

True healing begins when you reclaim responsibility for your own happiness while releasing the expectation that your spouse must transform to validate your worth. This doesn't mean accepting ongoing betrayal—rather, it means developing the emotional independence to make clear-headed decisions about your future from a place of personal strength rather than desperate dependency. Whether your marriage ultimately survives or not, you deserve to find your way to "happily even after."

Ready to break free from betrayal trauma? Connect with me at [email protected] or @HappilyEvenAfterCoach on Instagram and Facebook to learn how we can work together toward your healing.

Please follow me on instagram and facebook @happilyevenaftercoach and if you want to see what coaching is all about I offer a free 45 min. clarity call via zoom.

Email me: [email protected] for any comments or questions.

Thanks for listening, please like and review as well as share with your family and friends.

My website is www.lifecoachjen.com