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How to Make Friends as an Adult
Friendship is the most important thing nobody talks about. In this episode of The SOLVED Podcast, Drew and I dig into what makes friendships work, why they fall apart, and why so many of us are struggling to build or keep them as we get older. We’re talking loneliness stats, Darwin’s confusion about cooperation, and the deep emotional mechanics behind being a good friend—and finding one.
From ancient philosophy to game theory, we break down why friendship isn’t just some social nicety—it’s a biological survival strategy. Plus: the modern forces slowly strangling our ability to connect, and exactly what to do about it. You’ll walk away with a clearer sense of what real friendship looks like, how to build it, and how to stop shooting yourself in the foot every time you try.
We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/friendship
Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join Momentum, a community of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/friendship
Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough
Chapters:
0:00 Introduction
7:52 Chapter 1: Friendship: an Evolutionary Puzzle
25:45 Chapter 2: What Is Friendship?
27:11 Friendship in the Great Religious Traditions
37:21 Modern Psychology's Definition of Friendship
49:02 Chapter 3: Your Brain On Friendship
1:03:34 The Neurobiology of Connection
1:22:48 Health Benefits of Friendship
1:33:11 Chapter 4: How to Make and Maintain Friendships
1:35:19 Proximity and Repeated Contact and Reciprocal Disclosure
1:53:51 Time investment (quantity and cadence)
1:58:15 Evidence-Based Strategies for Making Friends
2:07:46 Examples Of Making Friends
2:26:50 Chapter 5: How Friendship Changes Across the Lifespan
2:54:18 Chapter 6: Gender Dynamics in Friendships
3:09:39 Can Men And Women Be Friends?
3:16:39 Chapter 7: Toxic Friendships
3:17:41 Competitive Friendship
3:21:18 Codependency
3:34:45 Chapter 8: Why It's So Hard to Make Friends These Days
3:35:48 External Headwinds: Why Getting Together Is Hard
3:53:18 Internal Frictions: Why Staying Equal Feels Impossible
4:02:45 Chapter 9: Technology's Double-Edged Impact on Human Connection
4:11:19 Mark's LA Story
4:20:21 Chapter 10: The 80/20 of Friendship
4:30:33 Chapter 11: The Trade-Offs of Friendship
Produced by Drew Birnie
Research by Zenya Giatzoglou, Katherine Wei, & Gage Greer
Edited by SJ van Breda
Director of Photography Jess Choi
Thumbnail by Jonathan Sippel
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
View all episodes
By Mark Manson
4.9
35343,534 ratings
Friendship is the most important thing nobody talks about. In this episode of The SOLVED Podcast, Drew and I dig into what makes friendships work, why they fall apart, and why so many of us are struggling to build or keep them as we get older. We’re talking loneliness stats, Darwin’s confusion about cooperation, and the deep emotional mechanics behind being a good friend—and finding one.
From ancient philosophy to game theory, we break down why friendship isn’t just some social nicety—it’s a biological survival strategy. Plus: the modern forces slowly strangling our ability to connect, and exactly what to do about it. You’ll walk away with a clearer sense of what real friendship looks like, how to build it, and how to stop shooting yourself in the foot every time you try.
We also put together a free companion guide for this episode with all the takeaways, references, and tools to help you get your sh*t together once and for all. Download it here: https://solvedpodcast.com/friendship
Ready to stop listening to podcasts and actually start taking action? Join Momentum, a community of like-minded people who are taking small steps every day to make big changes in their lives: https://findmomentum.com/friendship
Sign up for my newsletter, Your Next Breakthrough. It will help make you a less awful person: https://markmanson.net/breakthrough
Chapters:
0:00 Introduction
7:52 Chapter 1: Friendship: an Evolutionary Puzzle
25:45 Chapter 2: What Is Friendship?
27:11 Friendship in the Great Religious Traditions
37:21 Modern Psychology's Definition of Friendship
49:02 Chapter 3: Your Brain On Friendship
1:03:34 The Neurobiology of Connection
1:22:48 Health Benefits of Friendship
1:33:11 Chapter 4: How to Make and Maintain Friendships
1:35:19 Proximity and Repeated Contact and Reciprocal Disclosure
1:53:51 Time investment (quantity and cadence)
1:58:15 Evidence-Based Strategies for Making Friends
2:07:46 Examples Of Making Friends
2:26:50 Chapter 5: How Friendship Changes Across the Lifespan
2:54:18 Chapter 6: Gender Dynamics in Friendships
3:09:39 Can Men And Women Be Friends?
3:16:39 Chapter 7: Toxic Friendships
3:17:41 Competitive Friendship
3:21:18 Codependency
3:34:45 Chapter 8: Why It's So Hard to Make Friends These Days
3:35:48 External Headwinds: Why Getting Together Is Hard
3:53:18 Internal Frictions: Why Staying Equal Feels Impossible
4:02:45 Chapter 9: Technology's Double-Edged Impact on Human Connection
4:11:19 Mark's LA Story
4:20:21 Chapter 10: The 80/20 of Friendship
4:30:33 Chapter 11: The Trade-Offs of Friendship
Produced by Drew Birnie
Research by Zenya Giatzoglou, Katherine Wei, & Gage Greer
Edited by SJ van Breda
Director of Photography Jess Choi
Thumbnail by Jonathan Sippel
Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
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