The average Kiwi child first encounters internet porn at 12. To prevent the unsafe and unrealistic sex depicted in porn from being normalised for a child, therapist Jo Robertson recommends parents offer contrasting information a couple of years beforehand.

When should parents start talking to kids about sex - and what do you actually say?

With the average Kiwi child first seeing porn at 12, the old-fashioned idea that one "birds and the bees" talk will suffice as sex education is really problematic, says Auckland sex therapist and porn researcher Jo Robertson.

To prevent the unsafe and unrealistic sex depicted in porn from being normalised for a child, she recommends parents offer contrasting information a couple of years beforehand.

no caption

Listen to Jo Robertson on Nine to Noon

To encourage your child to have a healthy relationship with their own body, it's important to use correct anatomical words such as 'vulva' from birth, Jo tells Kathryn Ryan.

"What we are communicating then is this is a totally normal thing to talk about, there's no shame in it, its just another part of our body.'

"When we use the word 'foo foo' for a girl's vulva, we imply that there's something a little bit embarrassing or shameful about it - and also that we as adults are uncomfortable.

"They'll feel more comfortable telling us if they don't feel already shamed about that area. If they feel embarrassed or that part of their body is a little bit weird they've got kind of a double whammy there - they don't want to tell us something inappropriate happened and they also don't want to talk about their part of their body.

"What we want to do the whole time is show them 'it's okay, we're comfortable, you can bring anything to us'."

By the time a child is three - a common age to get a sibling - it's time to introduce them to the concept of consent (a word they'll hear about in school later) and how to clearly say no, she says.

Before your child is eight, it's good to have already talked to them about reproduction but not necessarily the specifics of intercourse.

"If it feels like a question that's beyond appropriate or you think they'll tell all their friends say something like 'I'm really happy to talk to you about that when you're a bit older."

Sex therapist Jo Robertson

With the average New Zealand child first encountering porn at 12, many are seeing it younger, Jo says, so 10 is a good age to open up a conversation about how the sex it depicts doesn't represent reality, Jo says…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details