Educator Joseph Driessen on how to get your children to do the right thing with a 5 step method. This will help the family who has a child who always keeps everyone waiting because they are disorganised, or the whanau trying to convince their teenage to do some homework.

As a parent, getting into a screaming match just shows the kids you're not in control - so educator Joseph Driessen has five steps to calmly reason unruly children into changing their behaviour.

Driessen, a former principal and speaker at educational conferences, specialises in boys' education and is based in New Zealand.

He tells Nine to Noon's Kathryn Ryan tone, composure and persistence is key to getting a child into a mindset to actually make a difference.

"In some ways, a child is like an iceberg. Over the surface is behaviour, and what's beneath is a very complex set of needs or disappointments or sadnesses, or whatever it is.

"Your calmness or your kindness goes underneath the iceberg and it says, really, 'I care for you, I love you, I'm your parent and I'm in charge of this household but I'm on your side'.

"At the end of this talk I'm going to talk about what if they dig in their heels and don't do it at all, but in fact many children are very rational and very amenable if they're not anxious and under emotional stress."

He uses two examples he says are fairly common in a lot of families: a seven-year-old who takes a long time to get ready for school in the morning and a 15-year-old who is playing computer games and refusing to do homework and chores or interact with family.

He stresses, however, that this approach can work with people of all ages - and not just children.

Step 1: Planning and preparation

He says the first step is to think about what you want to achieve, and accept that as the adult it's your responsibility to change their pattern of behaviour.

"For the adult to sit down by themselves or with their partner or a friend; have a reflection about 'how can I assert my leadership here and what have I done in the past which hasn't worked'," Driessen says.

"The idea is that before you launch in, you have some idea of what you want to achieve and where you want to go with this child. So you come from a leadership position which is pretty calm, which is reflective.

"And you have some rational ideas: 'maybe there are some problems there, what am I trying to do?'

He says children will usually respond positively when an adult takes up the leadership role in the family in a mature and reasonable way…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details