We know for some of you, this episode is going to be a tough one. We’re going to speak the truth in love because we’re committed to integrity, but at the same time we want to give you hope because this IS hope, and recovery of your marriage IS possible.

If you’re at the point where you think your marriage is fine, I hope you will take from this post the need to be proactive. Don’t want until you’re wondering if you can recover your marriage to take action – take action now!

Personally, we don’t believe that any marriage is ever beyond recovery. We do believe that in some cases, like an abusive marriage, it is not safe to recover the marriage until the abuse issue is addressed thoroughly.

We do not have any judgment for folks that have decided to move on – we’re not God and it’s not our job to judge that – but if you’re out there today and you just want someone to tell you there’s hope, then listen, there is hope! We’re going to talk about a number of things that challenge that hope, but we will end up with some things that you hope, so stick with us.

Indicators That a Marriage is Moving Beyond Recovery

Research indicates that the following behaviours may be warning signs that a marriage is headed past recovery and towards divorce.

A Lot of Spouse Hostility

Hostility without warmth is a major warning sign that your marriage longevity is seriously threatened.

A study was conducted of over 400 couples married an average of 18 years. The study went on for five years and looked into the hostility of these marriages, the divorces that happened, and the quality of the interaction between spouses.[i]

Hostility became a theme in the marriages that ended, so let’s look at hostility for a moment. The researchers looked for the frequency of how often a spouse had:

gotten angry

been critical

shouted or yelled,

ignored their spouse

threatened to do something that would upset their spouse

tried to make him or her feel guilty, or

said that their spouse had made him or her unhappy.

On the other hand, warmth looked like times when their spouse had:

asked for his/her opinion

listened to his/her point of view

let them know that he or she cares

acted in a loving and affectionate manner

let them know that s/he is appreciated

helped them something important to him/her

had a good laugh with them, or

acted supportive or understanding.

Here’s what they found: “In every instance, greater marital instability was associated with more hostility and less warmth in marital interactions.”[ii]

This warmth vs. hostility dynamic was so apparent that the researchers were able to predict with an 80% level of accuracy which couples would divorce the following year. All they had to look for was high levels of hostility and lesser levels of warmth.

The researchers summarized their findings with the following statement, “Couples observed to exhibit high levels of hostile, angry, critical, stubborn, inconsiderate, defiant, or rejecting behavior that is not counterbalanced by considerate, cooperative, or affectionate behavior were more likely to perceive high levels of hostility in their marital interactions, were more likely to have unstable marriages, and were more likely to actually separate or divorce.”[iii]

All that to say, that hostility needs to be counterbalanced with warmth in a marriage, or it will have lasting negative effects. We all get our ugly on once in a while unfortunately, but if those times are balanced with a lot of warmth and affection, it will serve your marriage much better.

Significant Ambivalence and Lack of Responsiveness

Another study looked more into the newlywed end of the spectrum and found the following. Couples who divorced after 2 years of marriage had:

lower levels of love,

more ambivalence and less responsiveness to each other,

fewer affection acts in their marriage, and

more frequent negative behaviors.[iv]