Today, we’re going to be looking at therapeutic or trial separation- the idea of spending some time apart to heal your marriage. For many couples who feel like their marriage is at the end of its tether, this kind of separation might be something to consider. But you need to be aware of the risks and possible outcomes.

Let's state very clearly that our vision is to help people create thriving, passionate marriages. At the same time, we realize that folks often come to our podcast or website or for counselling in great distress. So when we’re talking about therapeutic separation today, this is with the goal of restoring your marriage, as long as it is safe to do that.

On a safety note, if you are in an abusive situation, a different approach is necessary — please see our episodes on abuse. You may still pursue separation, but you will not likely be safe to do so in the way we’re about to describe.

What Is Therapeutic Separation?

Let’s start by laying out what exactly a therapeutic separation looks like. A marriage and family counselor called Patrick Ward[i] sets out a helpful framework for a trial separation and the circumstances under which it may be useful.

A therapeutic separation is defined as a fixed period of separation during which the decision to divorce or stay together is postponed. In other words — a therapeutic separation is not a preamble or step toward divorce or even a trial of what it would be like to live without your spouse. It is always set up with a view to restoration.

That has to be a sincere commitment for both parties.

A therapeutic separation aims to address the negative feelings that one or both of you might have about staying in the marriage. Sometimes, it can also be used as an intervention if one spouse is not accepting the reality of their addiction problem or if they are not willing to address their hurtful ways of interaction with their spouse.

Possible Reasons that Make a Therapeutic Separation Appropriate

There could be a wider variety of reasons than this, but here are some common areas that may prompt a therapeutic separation:

Extreme or persistent marital conflict

One or both spouses feeling high levels of frustration or lack of satisfaction from the marriage

Harmful patterns of interaction such as abuse, severe addiction, neglect or control

Indecision about whether one or both spouses want to remain in the marriage

Ways Therapeutic Separation Can Help

Some possible benefits may include:

Acknowledging the seriousness of problems. It can be helpful or validating for both spouses to see that you are each willing to go to extreme lengths to try and save the marriage. Separation can create a “crisis point,” which shakes the couple out of denial and forces them to take action to save the marriage.

Relief from unproductive conflict and negative cycles of interaction. If left untreated, daily conflicts and bad habits can damage a marriage more than being apart for a time. Separation can help break this cycle.

Breaking the tendency to take each other for granted. Spouses get to see how hard life might be if they separated. This can be a reality check to think about the positives and stop taking one’s spouse for granted.

Gaining a sense of independence and self-control. Sometimes, if couples are unhealthily dependent on each other, separation can teach them some valuable self-reliance and allow them to reunite as stronger, more differentiated individuals.

Those are benefits identified by one researcher[ii]. Here are some other possible benefits:

Perspective:  separation can provide a "cooling off" period for couples who see their difficulties as insurmountable. The time apart can allow spouses to reflect on the marriage more objectively and deeply without the pressure of being in conflict all the time[iii]. By gaining new perspectives and life experiences from living apart,