Nagging is our subject for today. We’ve got some insights for you today! For example, did you know that there is a good reason why wives nag more than husbands? And that it is not actually because there’s something wrong with the wife? This is like mythbusters for marriage!

Nobody likes being nagged by their spouse. And no one likes having to nag their spouse over and over about something. But, as we’ll see today, there are often some real and honest reasons behind nagging, and getting to the root of them will definitely benefit your marriage.

What is Nagging?

Nagging is "pestering others with demands, pleas, and/or requests for compliance when they are not doing what we would like them to do[i]”

Typically, in order for something to be qualified as nagging it needs to have a negative effect on the target of the nagging too. It usually needs “to annoy by constant scolding, complaining or urging[ii]”.

So typically it is a persistent attempt to persuade or request something but it is not overtly aggressive in nature. Usually what happens is nagging is prompted when someone fails to comply with a request (there’s a hint for the myth busting part of this episode…we’ll get to that below), so the request is made again.

Nagging in Marriage

Within marriage, nagging is motivated by a desire for your spouse to change some aspect of themselves or their actions. So it is therefore different to complaining or simply venting emotions. Common topics for nagging within marriage include[iii]:

Household task completion

Money

Personal habits

Appearance

Health

Children

Amount of love/affection displayed

Work or work/life balance

Time spent together

So how does it actually work or what does it look like? A study in 2008[iv] describes the process of nagging, and why it can become common:

One spouse (the "initiator") makes a request for a specific action from their spouse

The other spouse (the "responder") refuses the request, for whatever reason: perhaps they aren't motivated to do it, they weren't paying full attention to the request, the request wasn't worded clearly or the responder didn't agree that it needs doing.

The initiator must now choose either to persist with the request or to abandon it. For the interaction to be considered nagging, the initiator would choose to persist in making the request

The responder now chooses either to comply with the request or continue refusing

Steps 3 and 4 continue until either the initiator gives up or the responder complies with the request

So you have this back and forth, perhaps over ten minutes or maybe over several days, of a request being met with a refusal. Sound familiar?

Nagging can become a common behavior because it is very likely that the responder will eventually succumb and do what the initiator is asking. They’ll do what is being asked just to shut their spouse up, in other words. If this happens then the initiator has been "rewarded" for nagging by getting what they want. So the behavior is reinforced: therefore they become more likely to use nagging in the future. In the mind of the initiator, more nagging=more likely to get what I want.

Do Wives Nag More than Husbands?

The general stereotype is that wives are more prone to nagging than husbands, and the majority of people believe this to be true. But what does the research say?

A study in 2006[v] tested whether this was actually the case and found that women are more likely to nag both men and other women, whereas men are more likely to only nag other men. So in the general population, nagging is equal between sexes, but within a marriage the wife is more likely to nag the husband than vice versa.

But, here’s the myth busting part where us guys kind of have to hang our heads and stop pointing the finger at our wives: a study in 2014[vi] found that in most marriages women are more likely to comply with a request the first time they are ask...