Latter Day Struggles

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Join Val and Nathan in this episode where they respond to the address recently given in April 2023 general conference by Allen D Haynie, titled “A Living Prophet for our Day”. 

Specific points from this address explored:

1. The rule-of-thumb suggested privileging current prophetic counsel over past prophetic counsel when contradictions surface
2. Parents who teach and model by example the importance of personal discernment over strict compliance to church authorities will inevitably negatively impact their children's spirituality, and
3. Exact obedience to the prophet protects us from a hostile and dangerous world

Val and Nathan discuss troubling nature of the tactic of fear used to motivate obedience throughout this address. They also discuss the problematic nature of the “water bottle crushing” example as one that might suggest compliance to the inessential [or nonsensical] as a new form of higher law. 

They explore how the "water bottle crushing" antidote also invites inappropriate scrutiny upon a fellow mortal and exacerbates the perceived power differential that inhibits both leaders and constituents from living healthy, autonomous lives in respectful support of one another.

This entire episode calls for the need for personal discernment as the fundamental guiding principle in guiding all of our choices in our discipleship of Jesus Christ.

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In this episode Valerie and Nathan reminisce about the "good ol’ days" when they anticipated General Conference and the spiritual feasting that it involved.  This podcast (111th semi-weekly session, btw ;) of reminiscing was produced mainly to help many of us make sense of the very complicated feelings we have when the first weeks of April and October roll around.

What do some of us feel?  Based on their conversations with dozens of Latter Day Struggles Support Group Members…

• Many feel trauma activated within our bodies due to past (and the anticipation of future) spiritually and psychologically damaging sermons that condemn us and our friends and loved ones. 
• Many feel frustration over what feels like ongoing blindness to the pain of individuals and families in faith crisis feeling unseen, unheard, and misunderstood.
• Many feel invisible at the ongoing underrepresentation of the female gender in a church that proclaims gender equality but does little to  display this in doctrine or practice.
• And then there is grief.  Grief at the memory of when General Conference used to mean simplicity, sweet rolls, and maybe bingo games.  This memory feels like life in another dimension altogether. It was certainly back in another stage of life and spiritual development.

Val and Nathan share thoughts and feelings about the growing pains of transitioning from a relationship between the compliant and slightly frightened child [our old selves] relating to the overly protective authoritarian parent [the institution], to their present relationship, which they insist becomes like one between two adults relating to each other from a place of discernment, choice, and candor.

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In this episode Val and Nathan explore what it takes to form a psychologically healthy system…whether this system is an immediate or extended family group, a relief society class, priesthood quorum, Sunday school group, or any combination of people who come together regularly to share some part of their lives, thoughts, feelings, or experiences.

Val and Nathan walk through the four stages that all groups of people must pass through to become a safe and vibrant place for human growth and development in an interpersonal setting.

The four stages of healthy community development are:

1. PSEUDO-COMMUNITY (faking common experience, belief, and agreement in the majority narrative)
2. CHAOS (someone shares a differing idea, experience, perspective, and others frantically try to reconvert them back to their way of thinking, feeling, believing)
3. EMPTYING (the mandatory inner work of emptying ourselves of self righteousness, expectations, pride, the need to convert, heal, and save others)
4. TRUE COMMUNITY  (Where people come together and support one another in their own unique journey, accepting others exactly where they are and allowing love—not same belief—to drive connection and unity)

Join Val and Nathan as they break down these concepts, share personal experiences, thoughts, and feelings about the challenges of pseudo-community, how to invite healthy community, why community building is especially challenging in systems created around a foundation of supposed right belief, and how even an ongoing personal “emptying” is healing and helpful in cultivating healthy relationship with others when larger scale community building seems daunting.

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In this episode Valerie reviews some fascinating ideas about the relationship between cognitive dissonance and self justification and applies these ideas to humanity, institutions, churches, and the LDS church.

She walks you through the following ideas:

1. why humans and institutions self justify
2. why people in leadership are especially prone to self justification
3. why entire communities get caught up in self justifying behaviors
4. the self-justifying tactics people and institutions use when they are called out for questionable behaviors
5. what can be done to overcome the tendency to self justify 

In this episode Valerie applies principles of “self justification theory” to make sense of both historical and current struggles within the LDS church where this concept seems to readily apply.  

This episode is intended to help faith expanding Latter-day Saints better understand the nature of their struggles as well as shine a light on typical phenomenon connected to the human experience that might be manifest on the faith journey. 

The book referenced throughout this episode is called

• Mistakes Were Made (But Not By Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions and Hurtful Acts, by Carol Tavris, Marsha Mercant, et al.

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In this episode, Valerie highlights what you will learn in her NEW online course  “A COUPLE’S GUIDE FOR LDS FAITH CRISIS AND EXPANSION” for couples struggling with uneven faith journey experiences. 

As of mid-2024, this course ("The Couples Guide to Faith Crisis and Expansion") has been broken into three stand-alone self-paced online classes.  Once purchased, you will receive access to a printable workbook and enjoy unlimited access to the recorded presentations.

Each of these classes offers hope and healing for the LDS couple struggling to even talk about what is going on in their marriage.  Valerie expertly walks participants through why *both partners* are legitimately feeling grief and disoriented due to the unexpected changes in the beliefs of the less traditionally-believing partner and offers a wealth of  information, tools, activities, conversation and journal prompts that will help your marriage acclimate through this very challenging time. 

These classes can be taken by either the couple or just one partner wanting understanding and tools that may help heal your struggling marriage. 

Listen in and purchase this wonderful content at latterdaystruggles.com TODAY!

••A quick correction about this episode: in a few different places, Valerie accidentally used the word “validation” in place of “individuation” when describing the second class. Sorry for the confusion!

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Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part XII of XII]

In this final guest-interview portion of their ‘Eternal Marriage Theology Health Check’ series, Valerie visits with a married couple who shares their journey from early Mormon orthodoxy (which came naturally for him and felt like an ill-fitting costume for her) to their current stance as a couple whose primary allegiance shifted away from the LDS church and its beliefs and towards true commitment to each other and their expanding understandings of God, growth, and love.

Does this mean the LDS church no longer mattered to them? No. This couple shares their tender journey honoring his more traditional views and the real anxiety he felt both for himself and his wife as he witnessed firsthand her suffering as she no longer could conform to much of the LDS teachings that worked well for him.

Their story is one of authenticity, compassion, disorientation, struggle, conflict and resolution, and ultimately, what it looks like to really—really—unconditionally love your chosen partner, exactly as they are and where they are in their faith journey.

Does this couple’s early journey align with struggles you are feeling in your own marriage? If so, jump over to latterdaystruggles.com and grab a self-paced class to help your marriage heal! 

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Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part XI of XII]

In this episode you meet TJ, a wonderful young man navigating the complexities of young single adult life as a gay member of the LDS church. He shares his story about slowly and gradually learning to accept his infinite lovability in God's eyes, which led to his eventual ability to also accept his sexual identity. 

TJ shares with Valerie his ongoing process sorting out what he’s been taught about the plan of salvation…what feels right, what feels wrong, what is known, and what is unknown. 

This conversation is a powerful opportunity to better understand the extremely challenging position that our beloved queer loved ones (or what we ourselves) experience due to the current eternal marriage and family theology in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

It highlights that there are many who want to feel the love and belonging of their LDS affiliation, but struggle ultimately escaping a theology that reinforces in-groups and out-groups, exclusion, and isolation in a variety of significant ways. When theology excludes, it is not God’s way. And followers of God must speak in love and defense of those excluded.

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Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part X of XII]

Join Valerie in this incredibly tender episode with two sets of LDS parents with children on the LGBTQ+ spectrum as they share their journey as individuals, as a couple, and as a family system embracing their gay and transgender children.

Each of these beautiful parents walk us through their early years of life in the LDS church and their varying experiences embracing the doctrines of eternal marriage and the ‘together forever’ family and how their lives shifted (and are still shifting) in relationship to the LDS church as each of these brave parents navigate their deepening commitment to the first and greatest law: To Love One Another. 

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Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part IX of XII]

In this portion of this series featuring the tender stories of individuals learning about the complexities of the LDS eternal marriage theology first hand, Valerie visits with Cindy, a woman brave enough to share her story of her two marriages.

Her first marriage was the result of young Cindy’s desire to please her orthodox family, her ward, and her church by marrying the Mormon “ideal man” despite her own reservations and internal discomfort. Listen in as she shares her tender memories as an idealistic young woman trying to earn love, measure up to her learned ideas of enough-ness in a patriarchal system, and finally her eventual strength to divorce and truly begin her journey to selfhood.

When she fell in love with a “non-member” [insert a gasp here, please] she was consoled by the hope that eventually he would see the light, conform, convert, and therefore make everything okay.What unfolds is a beautiful story of deep love, compassion, and patience…on the part of Cindy’s husband, as he waited for her to grow up and realize that their marriage was precious just exactly as they each were—different, complex, and accepting of the otherness of the other. Cindy’s story is evidence that marriage is not about right belief and religious conformity. It is about patience, grace, and love.

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Series Title: Psychological Health Check on LDS Theology of Marriage & Family [Part VIII of XII]

Join Valerie and her special guest Lark, a single woman who candidly shares her painful journey beginning in the youth program aspiring to check every single box on the Mormon woman spectrum that was practically guaranteed to bring her all of the love, fulfillment, and satisfaction earth or heaven could offer.

This seemed all good and fine until life didn't cooperate and Lark found it imperative either sink in sorrow or challenge her deeply embedded paradigm handed her by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.In this beautiful interview Val and Lark walk through her raw and sacred process taking ownership of her own divinely appointed life, its unique sorrows, its unique joys, and how this life continues to be the place where Lark is satisfying her own brave, harrowing and sacred hero's journey.

She shares how she came to realize that the eternal marriage doctrine was not only not helpful, it was actively hurting her relationship with herself and with her divine parents, and therefore in need of an update on her own terms.

Her story is beautiful and inspiring.

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