August 04, 2023

Logan Ury on Dating, Attachment Styles, How To Break Up With Someone, Finding Love and How To Build A Relationship That Lasts! (From The 2021 Archive)

53 minutes

This episode first aired on 26th April 2021

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Logan is a behavioral scientist turned dating coach, and the author of How To Not Die Alone.

As the Director of Relationship Science at the dating app Hinge, she leads a research team dedicated to helping people find love. After studying psychology at Harvard, she ran Google’s behavioral science team—the Irrational Lab.

Her work has appeared in The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME. The Washington Post, GQ, Glamour, Vice, and on HBO and the BBC.

Today’s podcast goes deep on all things dating and relationships. It’s a full-circle podcast from meeting someone to breakups and finding the one—we cover it all today. Also, I touch on some of my personal attachment styles and previous dating tendencies; so, today’s episode goes through some new topics not previously explored on the podcast.

Key Points

· Each of the three dating tendencies have to do with unrealistic expectations. The romanticizer has unrealistic expectations of relationships. The maximizer has unrealistic expectations of their partner. The hesitator has unrealistic expectations of themselves. Unrealistic expectations of any kind create huge problems because, even if things are going great, the person is never satisfied with what they have at present.

· Our society has become obsessed with “the spark”: the idea of instant chemistry, that pang of connection; that feeling when you walk into a room and everything else fades and you can only focus on that person. Now, the spark is a wonderful thing; but you should not be selecting your long-term life partner based on it as it’s nothing more than a first impression. Instead, go for the slow burn and get to know the person beyond first impressions.

· Becoming ready for marriage is a matter of the level of your intentionality. You have to exercise the same muscles that you do to strengthen your growth mindset and goal-orientedness and know how you want your future to look. With regard to marriage itself, ask yourself a series of questions, such as whether you see yourself with your

partner in the long run and how you’ve both weathered conflict. Then, ask your partner questions such as how many kids you want to have, the religion you want to raise them on, and how you want to manage your finances.

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